Page 2. West Craven Highlights. April 26, 1984
Things I Don’t
Understand
By JONATHAN PHILLIPS
Things I don’t understand:
1. How women get suntanned.
Females will refuse to venture outdoors in shorts or a swimsuit
until they have a respectable suntan. The thought of venturing
out with pasty-white legs ranks just behind nuclear war and
ahead of such horrors as split ends and broken nails on the list of
things which induce dread and horror in the human female.
Yet, acquiring a suntan demands that one go out of doors in a
swimsuit or other scanty attire. I’ve seen women deepening their
tans on the beach, refining their pigmentation in the backyard,
and comparing their tans on the street.
But, given the fear of venturing out without at least some
browning of the skin, how do they get that first bit of tan? This
remains a total mystery, like why lemmings periodically commit
mass suicide by marching off a cliff, or why permanent press
clothes do not stay pressed permanently.
This mystery, needless to say, applies only, or at least mostly, to
white women.
2. Where potholes come from.
They just appear in the road. Nobody puts them there. These
holds just crop up in the road. One day you’re driving down 43,
listening to the Braves on the radio, with the Ford on automatic
pilot, and everything is fine.
The next, you are going down the same road, straining against
the seat belt to the strains of “Steve Hardy’s Beach Party,” when
suddenly the car shudders and your head hits the roof, just as the
Drifters finish up a chorus of “Under the Boardwalk.”
Where did the pavement go that used to be where the pothole
is? Did it disintegrate? Did somebody steal it for their rock
garden? Where did it go in just 24 hours? I don’t understand, but
I have an idea:
It goes to the same place where all the mood rings, lava lamps,
and Davy Crockett hats are, wherever that is. Someday an oil
driller will penetrate a giant, secret underground cavern full of
mood rings, lava lamps, Davy Crockett hats, and crumbled up
pieces of asphalt that gave their lives to make a pothole.
3. Why anybody cares where the beef is.
On my office door there is a full-page newspaper
advertisement with a picture of poultry magnate Frank Perdue
munching on a fried drumstick. There are only six words: “Who
cares where the beef is?” I agree.
I certainly don’t know, as well as don’t care, where the beef is,
but I suggest it was all gobbled up by the same guy who did all
the Alka-Seltzer commercials a few years back that went: “I
can’t believe I ate the whole thing.”
That’s the only other slogan that was ever as overused and
abused as “Where’s the you-know-what,” and there must be a
link.
4. How jokes start.
I hear a lot of jokes, but I’ve never known anybody who makes
them up. Sure, gag writers write jokes for the likes of Rodney
Dangerfield and Johnny Carson, but those aren’t the kind of
jokes people tell each other.
Where do they come from? Who makes them up, and why don’t
we know who those people are? Why haven’t I heard any good
ones lately?
Only one thing do I know for sure: Readers assure me that this
column is not the source for any decent ones.
5. Where we get TV weathermen.
I’ve been around academic programs where they teach
meteorology, climatology, and physical geography. None of those
students have ever expressed a desire to be a television weather
person.
Likewise, I’ve been around schools of journalism and
communications. None of the budding broadcasters I
encountered ever said their fervent desire was to be a weather
person.
If meteorologists aren’t yearning to go on TV, and TV news
types aren’t yearning to do the weather, where are the
TV weatherman schools out there, just like there are specialized
TV weathermen schools out there, just like there are specialized
schools of morticians and cosmetologist?
I don’t understand.
Above is an aerial photo with an artistic
rendering of the future bridge over the
intercoastal waterway at Holden Beach
designed by Bigger and Agnew, Inc.
engineers of Raleigh.
North Carolina Department of
Transportation (NCDOT) officials have
announced that construction on the bridge
should begin next month. The contract was
awarded F'riday by the State Board of
Transportation to Lee Construction Company
of Charlotte for $4,088,586.10.
LSC Crime Watch Meeting
The regular Little Swift
Creek Community Crime
Watch was held Saturday,
April 14th at 7:30 p.m. at the
Caton Fire Station. President
Tommy Morris presided.
Mr. George Dimick intro
duced our guest speaker.
District Court Judge J. Randal
Hunter, resident of Craven
County. At the age of 29, he is
the second youngest judge in
the state. He was appointed as
a judge for the remainder of
this term, but he is a candidate
for the position in the
forthcoming election.
Many informative facts
were presented by Judge
Hunter. He is one of six district
court judges in our area which
is composed of Craven,
Carteret, Pamlico, ^and Pitt
Counties. He is the only one
from Craven County. Judge
Hunter is assigned to one of the
four counties on a weekly basis.
The district court hears all
domestic and juvenile cases in
addition to those regularly
assigned the court. Many of the
ways, a judge determines
sentencing were also discus
sed.
Judge Hunter was well
received by the group from
Askins, Ernul, and Caton. The
crime watch citizens had
many questions which were
well answered by him. He
asked the people to keep in
touch with him. He would
welcome their ideas and
comments.
The next crime watch
meeting will be held Saturday,
June 9th at 7:30 p.m. in the
Woodmen Hall in Ernul.
By Charlotte Whitford
I Do We Have An Evacuation Plan?
Have you ever thought of being evacuated from your home?
It could happen but according to our knowledge there is not a
published evacuation plan available. With the large number
of gas leaks, natural disasters, fires, wrecks and other public
hazards occuring, it is felt that the public should know what
procedures are to be followed in case of an emergency.
Questions need to be answered such as: Can I choose to stay
in my home? Do I drive my vehicle or will I be transported by
volunteer vehicles or other means? Where will I go? Who mans
or opens emergency shelters? Where are emergency Shelters?
Are they clearly marked so they can be readily identified?
Who declares an evacuation or emergency?
You might wish to attend your town meeting or Contact
county fire marshall’s office for some of these answers. If you
wait for the answers to be published it could be too late—act
today!
THE
HIGHLIGHTS
Cravan County'a Family
Waakly Nawafiiapar
P.O. Box 404, Mam St.,
Across from the Post Office
Vanceboro,
North Carolina, 28586
Phone (918) 244-0780,
(818) 244-0808
W.t. Cannon, Jr
Publisher A
Business Manager
ChriaUne Hia
Office Manager
Oharon Buck
Production Manager
Bdllh Hodgas
Circulation Manager
Circulation
seraNs, IN
Paata Up
PUBLIBHBO
EVERY THURSDAY
Oecond Claaa Poalaea
Paid at Vanceboro, N.C.
(Permit entered Maroh 1,1878)
SUBSCRIPTION PRICES
Single Copy 208
1 Year SubscrIpUon.... $0.27
2 Yeers Subscription.. $10.45
3 Years SubserlpMon.. $14.63
UPSP 412-110
(Payable in advance. Subscribers
desiring their Higlililkb, terminated
at expiration should notify us of
this intention, otherwise we will
consider it their wish to continue
to receive the paper and they will
be charged for It).