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April 1 +5, 2015 News The Stentorian | NCSSM Pigeons strike Th© TrSSh campus in terribly Factori written article Richard Ong Editor-in-Chief Durham- 13 pigeons died yesterday after sudden apparent heart failure, according to experts, at 420 Drug Reference street. Police are investigating further to see if it was indeed murder, but currently they are leaning towards a mass suicide. The pigeons were flying further South for the Winter, but stopped at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics to rest and regain strength so that they could keep flying south, to warmer climates, where they have a better chance at survival, but obviously not the North American Blue Pigeon, which flies counter-clockwise instead. The police are storing the departed fowl in coffins each 4 ft by .5 ft by 1 m. “The loss of the pigeons will weigh heavily on the hearts and souls of our community” said mayor Bill Bell of Durham, NC, just hours after the pigeons were found dead. Durham leads the Southern U.S. in pigeon deaths so far this December. Durham has seen over twenty five pigeon deaths so far this year, leading some in the public to conclude that a pigeon serial killer is on the loose. “It only makes sense. There can be no other explanation for why Durham is so high in pigeon deaths”. This latest pigeon related tragedy constitutes over fifty % of the pigeon deaths that have occurred so far this year. The story of these pigeons is expected to be the centerpiece of the new local film Pigeon in: A local community and tragedy by Bob Winston. The pigeons were found by local eight year old Jenny Maristan, who claims she found the pigeons dead on the sidewalk around a local park around 1 PM. Maristan is the only witness the police currently have, and she will likely be appearing in the third district court soon. The murder occurred less than two miles from the local zoo, leading some people to suspect that the pigeons escaped from the local zoo recently. However,'- the. local--zoo-. has confirmed it has no’ species missing. The financial cost of the pigeon’s deaths is likely to be around eight dollars per pigeon. However the ecological cost is expected to be far greater. The pigeons belonged to the rare Southern North American species, which has been on the brink of extinction ever since the US govt, announced they were endangered on May of 1995 AD. The species is responsible for consuming the Super Scary Poisonous spider species, native to the Durham area, which is not actually a spider species but an insect species, because two of the Super Scary Poisonous spider’s legs are not legs but antennae, leading to the misnomer which has accidentally cost eight million pesos and the lives of three university professors in the past five years. How much fowl play is involved is yet to be determined, but an anonymous source has said police suspect the deaths to be the result of the local organized crime syndicate headed by Robin B. Jay, the notorious bird mobster. Many people are saying that '-the new flock of bird murders, ' orT^ird murders if you will, is a result of the crime activity. Feather or not crime is responsible or if this was merely a terrible accident is yet to be determined, but the police are investigating the matter with the utmost gravity. Newspaper article goes missing, headline left alone Photo of the Month April 2015 Is 2 i 3 4 11 5 6 1 e] $ 1 12' i3- 14 ^ ii j 17 19 19 m 21 2?j 23 74 IS a® 71 2a 29! » f j J 1 A ranking of NCSSM’s trashcans By Addy Liu Features Editor What . quantifies and qualifies a good trash can? We at the Stentorian dedlded to investigate this puzzling problem for the edification of our readers - but, in our pursuit of this ultimate knowledge via investigative journalism, came to the awareness that it is far more important to identify the bad trash cans, rather than the good trash cans. This is essential for students to be able to know what trash cans will be the best for them to throw out their trash, and for the school to know which trash cans to upgrade or replace. Afterall, the student body deserves trash cans that are free of bees? After all, the most basic requirement of a trash can is that it have the ability to contain trash; such a standard of utility is not difficult to reach. It is the trash cans that subtly transgress the minimum standard of trash cans that are the danger, wreaking havoc upon unsuspecting consumers. But after some thought, we came to the second realization that most trash cans on campus are actually fairly decent. Still, after such a comprehensive study (featuring 6 different categories in which all of the trash cans on NCSSM’s campus were ranked on a 0-10 point scale by five different impartial judges found on the streets of Durham: location, ease of trash disposal, aesthetic value, gross trash capacity, smell, and presence/lack of bees) we felt it necessary to still share the findings of our novel research. For the sake of time and convenience, we hereby present to you the condensed stats and biographies of five trash cans on NCSSM’s campus: Physics floor trash cans - Location: 4.8/10 - esoteric and difficult to access for those who don’t already have to be on 4* Bryan for class or their hall Ease of trash disposal: 8/10 - no foot pedal, but also no lids Aesthetic Value: 4.8/10 Gross Trash Capacity: 8.5/10 Smell: 9/10 Bees: 10/10 —no bees. Additional Notes: helpfully labeled to differentiate from recycling bins Library trash cans - Location: 8.6/10 Ease of trash disposal: 7/10 - these trash cans are open, but low to the ground, which can engineer a need to bend one’s . spine in order to dispose of one’s trash Aesthetic Value: 9/10 Gross Trash Capacity: 6.5/10 - low trash capacity, but this, is counteracted by what is discussed in the additional notes. Smell: 9/10 Bees: 10/10 - no bees. Additional Notes: these trash cans get taken out frequently, which provides for a better user experience Hall trash cans - Location: 5/10 - accessible only to those who can get on the hall Ease of trash disposal: -/lO - varies and depends on how the person with trash for housekeeping is doing that week Aesthetic Value: 3/10 Gross Trash Capacity: 6/10 Smell: -/lO-varies... Bees: 10/10-no bees. Additional Notes: be warned - hall trash cans can get very full on weekends Trash can in front of and slightly to the left of the senior benches - Location: 5/10 - one must go outside to access these trash cans Ease of trash disposal: 1/10 - though necessary in this situation, push-in lids are inconvenient and unhygienic Aesthetic Value: 1/10 Gross Trash Capacity: 4/10 - average capacity, but gets full frequently Smell: 2/10 Bees: 2/10 - contains lots of bees during the summer months Additional Notes: be careful Bryan Lobby trash cans - Location: 8.8/10 Ease of trash disposal: 7/10 - the presence of a foot-pedal makes the experience of trash disposal almost enjoyal?le Aesthetic Value: 5.9/10 Gross Trash Capacity: 4/10 - get very full, very frequently Smell: 5/10 - often smells like pizza or takeout Bees: 10/10-no bees. Additional Notes: easiest and best to use at the beginning of each day ,
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