Newspapers / North Carolina School of … / April 1, 2015, edition 1 / Page 4
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April 1 +6, 2015 Op-ed The Stentorian I NCSSM I’ve got a blank space baby, because people didn’t write their articles The Stentorian on last legs By Sacob Jebastian Staff Writer The editors of the Stentorian are making a final plea to the student body. The Stentorian may soon have to close its doors due to lack of interest. The Stentorian has been a long standing tradition at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics, but the staff and the paper have recently come onto hard times, The main cause of these troubles are due to the student’s body general apathy towards the paper. A student who works closely with the paper is quoted as saying “it is interesting that a student body, so invested in soeial justice and equality, has no investment in their local news.” Most commonly in situations like these it is the lack of funds that takes a newspaper to its knees. In this case it is quite the opposite. In the case of the Stentorian it is that neither the student body, nor the writers can be bothered to give a @#!$ about the paper. One of the editors is even quoted as saying “It’s not that I’ve lowered the bar for journalism, it’s that I’ve taken the bar and put it beneath the ground so one could merely walk over it, but apparently the bar is still set too high.” The Stentorian has tried all manner of gimmicks to gain the favor of the students. The paper tried running articles on interesting teachers, but they had no effect. The paper also tried doing a big expose on the food quality of the PFM, but the article came a few years too late, because the PFM’s food quality has greatly increased in the past years. So the article only served to antagonize the Administration and the PFM workers. The paper even sunk so low as to publish an article titled “Is Nicolas Cage good or bad?: Why Nicolas Cage is the best actor ever” and tried to passes it off as real news so as the gain favor with the hip youths. In the paper’s most recent effort to gain popularity it is planning to publish a “Onion” style newspaper full of spoof articles, printed well after April Fools Day The Stentorian is a well- equipped journalistic entity that could be delivering real news to the students of Science and Mathematics. Instead, because of the apathy of the student writers and the student body, the staff members have to get their roommates to write spoof articles on the pseudo-true state of the Stentorian. The Stentorian is pleading that the student writers and to a lesser extent the student body give the paper the attention it needs to survive. The Stentorian is currently accepting donations from its readers to support the paper. NCSSM to expand, modernize campus by annexing North Caroiina By AJ Goren Staff Writer The NCSSM Board of Trustees approved on Monday a proposal to use a generous grant from a ^wealthy group of alumni to expand and modernize NCSSM’s Durham campus by annexing the entire state of North Carolina. Chancellor Todd Roberts called a press conference at the North Carolina Governor’s Mansion to announce the news. Reporters were baffled when they arrived to find hordes of high school juniors robotically chanting “good morning, welcome to Science and Math.” Roberts appeared in front of a podium adorned with an official “North Carolina Office of the Governor” emblem to deliver the address: “Thanks to an extremely generous anonymous gift from alumni, NCSSM is expanding its campus, effective immediately, to include the entire state of North Carolina. out rule means students may be able to catch flights or trains anywhere in the country and remain within the parameters of the student Code of Con duct. “I can’t wait for some late night shopping sprees in SoHo,” designer-wearing junior Stella Smith admitted eagerly. Others intend to take advantage of the plethora of new hiding places on campus. “We’ve only got about 8 security officers patrolling 53,819 square miles. Statistically, the chance of being walked in on is now slim Additionally, I will be replacing Pat McCrory as The Unicorn, the mascot of NCSSM, is now the governor.” official state equine of North Carolina, ever since the This major change annexation of the state. This image is now also the state n e u t r a a school enough money to buy a whole state anyhow?” demanded conspiracy theorist and longtime Asheville resident Jason Jackson. Chancellor Roberts issued a statement Tuesday quelling concerns, stating “I believe in the maturity and capability of our students. Rest assured the integrity and future of this land are in good hands.” Upon reading the statement, junior senator Harvey Roo sevelt laughed, “Yeah, right. With Student Government in charge of the General Assem bly, the most we’ll be able to pass is a resolution on wheth er we need a Facebook group for each county.” As of press time, the state Senate, led by senior Daniel Ren (D-Wake), had passed SBOOl, which called on administration to make Dare County the location of new gender- 1 marks an exciting time cWma. for the school, allowing the extraordinary educational opportunities it offers to reach students from far comers of the state. Students residing on the Durham campus will also have new residential life opportunities, with the “Replace-a-Resident” plan allowing students to kick a homeowner out and assume their property. And with thousands of restaurants now right on campus, students are pleased that rules will no longer restrict them from accessing food after dark. “Finally I can get Chubby’s at 1 AM on a weekday without having to have my friend sneak on campus to bring it to me,” said senior John Beeferton. Many rules required revision to accommodate the newly ex panded campus. Although stu dents will not be allowed to walk into bordering states after dark, a loophole in the rewritten sign- to none! After all, it’s only a level if you get caught,” said a junior who wished not to be identified. Still, some residents of the area formerly known as North Carolina are skeptical of these changes. “What’s to stop these high school students from mnning amok of the justice system? From making a joke of the laws of this great state?” asked concerned Matthews resident Priscilla Wentworth. “Who’s this source giving housing, and SB002, which will replace all Dunkin Donuts franchises with Krispy Kremes by 2017. Roberts spoke with the Stentorian Tuesday after unveiling the shiny new corporate offices of the paper in the tallest building in downtown Raleigh. “I’m so excited for all that NCSSM is accomplishing with this big transition. From the start we’ve been here to give back to the state, and what better way to do that than to mn it ourselves?” The Stentorian The North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics 1219 Broad Street, Durham, NC 27705 stentorian 123@gmail.com Editors-in-Chief?; Sierra Dunne, Betty Liu, Richard Ong New Editor: Caroline Liu Featured Editor: Addy Liu Opinionated Editor: Rebecca Liu ' Sporting Editor: Katherine Wang Photography Editor: Chichi Zhu Advisor: John Kirk . Staff Writers: Sacob Jebastian, AJ Goren, Chase Roy croft, Dolan „ Potter
North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics Student Newspaper
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April 1, 2015, edition 1
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