Volume 76 No. 7
Grimsley High School
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
Saturday, April 1, 2000
Who ya gonna call? Ms. Edwards!
By Seymour Butts
Under the Bleachers
One of Grimsley’s most cel
ebrated teachers is near retire
ment and considering an unusual
field; paranormal studies.
Ms. Edwards is an English
teacher here who has always had
the supernatural around her. Her
family has a long history of
special mental powers, as her
grandfather was a dowser. Her
grandmother told her that she
was the one child born in the
family in her generation with
“The Knowing.”
Family stories stretch back
into the Colonial period, where a
distant relative had the unusual
distinction of being able to use
blue seashells to speak with
African elephants on every other
full moon (if the signal was clear,
of course). As a result, Ms.
Edwards’s abilities seem natural
to her. “Eve grown up with it,”
she said.
Along with her family stories,
Ms. Edwards’s life is filled with
strange people and occurrences.
When she was in elementary
school in her town of Sandy
Mush, NC, she had foreknowleuj,c
ol her friends’ house burning
down. This enabled her to
prepare ahead of time to assi...
the families in question, startir '
with a load of her own extra
clothing.
Another notable instance
happened right here at Grimsley
High School. One corner of her
room used to provoke a strong
reaction. If she were to come
near it, she would get a strong
feeling of deja vu, as if she knew
exactly what would happen next.
At times, she even felt that she
could look out the window and
see students from the 1940s.
Other strong concentrations
of paranormal phenomena are the
book room, auditorium, and
basement. Apparently, a student
named Thelma got lost in the
basement during a tornado drill
in the 1950s and died there, but
her spirit still remains. She is
even now wandering around,
eating trash thrown in the grates
on the front lawn, frightening
roaches, reading old disciplinary
action files, and sending
screeching wails up the pipes
which bother students as they
rattle towards the roof.
The most famous incident in
Ms. Edwards’s life, however, is
the celebrated Great Fong,
whose supposedly immortal
dragon. Ho Toi, died. The Great
Fong grants protection to those
wearing the red color of the
dragon’s scales on his birthday,
Friday the 13"’.
The most interesting example
of this is the great Grimsiey-Page
game played on Friday the 13‘",
in which the final score was 13-
13. Less well kiiuwii cxaiiiples
include the miraculous escape ( f the
entireP'i;n. loolball team, all wearing
their red leisi'vs fVj'.ni the
t Ircensboro polic : prior to that t me.
Just whin all hope seemed lost, a
flaming meteor the size of a large
desk fell on the SWAT team van that
was called out to pacify them. They
were later apprehended.
With all of this history, it is
no surprise that after her career
in teaching, she is looking with
interest on the studies of the
bizarre. Earlier in life, the Duke
Paranormal Institute approached
her about joining their study. She
no longer meets eligibility
requirements, and they no longer
have funding, so Ms. Edwards
is thinking of writing books and
speaking in order to raise enough
money to found her own
institute.
She is already planning her
first book, “I Am Not a
Ghostbusler," aiid collecting her
notes for her autobiography, the
pages of which will come in a box
unnumbered, so the reader can
choose their order. If all else fails,
she will fall back on her love of the
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile and
become their official driver for the
southeast region.
I personally will buy her books,
as soon as I can find a way out of
this basement...
Shiner phoi'
Ms. Edwards (above)
points her proton
pack at a fleeing
phantom. At right,
she emits a victori
ous laugh as she
conquers her en
emy. After retiring
from her teaching
job, she plans to
make a career of
her fascination
with the paranor
mal. Thanks to
Ms.Edwards,
Grimsley has been
ghost free for the
past decade, with
only a minor scare
of an infestation in
the fall of 1988.
New attendance policy absent no more
By Tardy Bell
Always Late
At long last, administrators have
decided to revise Grimsley’s attendance
policy in order to create a less confus
ing and more student-friendly system
for dealing with truancy and absences.
ILie newly designed system is sure
to satisfy high school students, as it
accommodates a much wider range of
excused tardies and absences than
before. For instance, the following ex
cuses for tardiness, previously laugh
able, are now perfectly viable: “A
couple of bad burritos were rioting in
my stomach,” “Hey, teach, there’s still
ice on my street!” and “I wanted to be
fashionably late.”
Absence documentation has be
come equally obliging. Under the new
system, if a student can prove with a
parent’s note that he or she was at
school at least in spirit at the time of
bodily absence, then he or she will be
marked with a category zero absence.
The new attendance system
pleases more than just students, of
course. Mrs. Christy Cratchety, a
worker in the attendance office; says,
“I love this new policy. It’s cut down
my work so much that lean spend my
days in peace and quiet playing Mine
sweeper on the computer.” Her fellow
attendance office employee, Mr. Stinky
Tiz.zlewit2,says, ‘Tmglad wegettobe
so easy with our category zeros now.
I’ve always thought that the numbers
one and two have hogged the lime
light. Now maybe zero will get the re
spect it deserves!”
The decision to revise the atten
dance policy at Grimsley and other
neighboring schools is a result of a
general warming trend in the previ
ously icy hearts of the Guilford
County School Board members, per
haps a side effect of La Nina. Says
Ms. Mary Touchstone, a longtime
member, “Yes, I have certainly had a
great time being an authoritarian
ogre, but then I thought that it
would be nice to get a picture
Continued on page 5
Featured
Outside
Start your engines
Mrs. Teague relives her
dramatic win at the Daytona
500 and describes her rise to
NASCAR superstardom.
page 3.14
Money saving tips
Slim wallet syndrome? Here’s
how to steal office supplies
from your teacher-and not
get caught!
page $1.99
Dirty dancing
A Lambada craze has
students and teachers break
ing out into the forbidden
dance of passion. Es caliente!
page censored
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Nekid Folk 2
Cheese Puffs... .3
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