VOLUME I.
OXFORD, N. 0., MONDAY, JULY 11), 1875.
NUMBER ‘21).
THE SAEE or rrws mv ii£a-
VEi\.
‘i\ 1)E WITT TALMAGE.
5Ye were in a Htreet-car about
iiooii; M^e had been thinking
concerning the fact lliat many of
tlie cluirchcs in our cities aie
adopting the iialht of auctioneer
ing their pews. We Were wear}'
and fell asleep, and our liead
rested in an inieaBy position
against the slats of the window,
and our dreams, which are usual
ly delightful, became unwonted.
AYe thought we were in a great
churclij by far the largest church
We had ever seen. M'e were told
it was twelve thousand furlongs
in clrcuinferrencc, and tlie walls
were a Inindred and forty and
four cubits higli. We said to the
janitor at the gate : “Is this Saint
Paurs, or Saint ilarkV, or Saint
Ik^ter’s f’ “ Neither,” said the
janitor; “tliis is the Clmrcli of
Heaven.” As we were going in
we found many people doing the
same. There was a long line of
carriages standing in front the
great church, one angel on the
driver’s box, and one angel stand
ing on behind. As the ])eople
got out of tlieir golden turn-outs,
1 saw that some of them wore
1‘obes with a trail of ten yards,
and the trouble was that those be
hind were all the time treading
on the trail of those who preced
ed. Some of us, however, came
up on foot and wont in. We cri
ed out: “What is going on here
to-day f” and were informed 1)}'
nn usher that this was the da}' on
which the pews of the Church of
Heaven were to be di8])osed of
1)}' auction. An angel, whom we
were told wa.s a converted and
glorified Wall street broker, stood
on a stand, and with a silver
mallet called the meeting to or
der. lie said that the churcJi
liad been built at great expeiise,
and it was a ])opular church ; and
as there would uo doubt be a
great rush, they Imd concluded to
auction the j)ews olf to the high
est bidder.
“For this pew, No. 1, splendid
ly cusdiioned and oasy-backed,
hov/ much ?” cried the auctior-
eer. “One hundred thousand
dollars,” said the auctioneer, “is a
Lnall price for the best seat in
this the greatest clmrch in the
miiverso. Am I offered any more?”
“Guo hundred and fifty thousand
dollars!” said some one else.
“Two hundred thousand dollars!”
cried another. , “Going at that!”
said the auctioneer. “Going at
that! Gone! Who buys it?”
“Astor Van Derbei/i' is the
response. “Bogus?” said some
one'v “We never heard of that
name itp here- Wlio is he I We
have no record here of any of his
prayers. He is not on the roil of
the meek and quiet spirits.”—
“Never mind all that,” says the
purchaser; “here are the bonds
that I brought along with me
from the lower world. Here is
the cash down.” “Sold!” cries
the auctioneer-—“tlie first seat in
haven to Astor Van Derbklt for
two hundred thousand dollars.”
As tlie auction went on, the ex
citement increased. There ^vas a
great struggle to get the best
pews, an.d moral and religious
ch^^,i:acteT weighed, nothing in the-
he who ha.k most,
eartlil}' scrip won itv Tliere v.'as
a slight interruption vdioii an old
ehler from an earthly clmrch de
manded a seat. He said ho liad
served God fifty yearS} and had
held the fir.st position on earth in
cimrclies and prayer-meetings;
and while ho was nit ambitious
for the first or second scat in lica-
ven, he th.ougiit ho ought to have
a seat somewhere, because he had
])ecn journeying seventy -j-cars
and was very tired, and would
like to sit down. To quiet this
old soldier of the crossj and to
keep him from farther interrupt
ing the auction, some one said to
him : “Old man, as you are used
to camp-life in the (.'hristiaii war
fare, Iku’c is a camp-stool for you
to sit OR in the aisle, but sit as
mucli aside as possible, and give
room foi’ those angels’ dresses as
they come sweeping tlirough the
ai.sle.”
At tins moment there was a
great shout at the door, a huz^a
among the common saints wlio
stood outside the building. ‘What
is that noise about ?’ said the auc
tioneer, as he brought his silver
mallet heavy on the stand before
him. It was found to be two
brothers, locked arms, coming in.
All knew them outside the door,
but inside they were compara
tively sfcfangers, and looked a lit
tle embarrassed. The one began
tn speak in.application for a seat.
“How much do you ‘bid ?”’ said
the auctioneer. The man replied :
“I bid nothing. When I left the
eartli I had but eight pounds; all
the rest I had given to On’istian
objects.” “Who are you ?” said
the auclioneer, “that you would
disturb this sale “1 am John
Wesley !” said the aj^plicant- ‘O',’
says the auctioneer. Jt seems
to mo I have heard of you, but
we have no pews as low as eight
pounds.” At this a man who had
given seventy-five thousand dol
lars for his celestial pew, and who
had on earth been known as
much for his piety as his wealth,
says: “Let mo take John Wes
ley into my pew. Bless him ! 1
was converted through reading
one of his sermons !” “One more
perplexing case got out of 'the
way, cried the auctioneer. “But
what,” says John Wesli-.y, “are
you going to do with my brother
Charles ?” “0,” said the aiic-
tionoer, “he can bo in the choir,
and stand among the singers,
and he can pay his way in that
manner. It will be worth some
thousands to hear liim in a solo
sing ‘A charge to keep I have.’
Another troublesome case ended,”
cries the auctioneer. At this an
old Methodist back by the door
burst right out and shouted “Glo
ry !” and the silver gavel came
down with an em2)hatic command
of ‘silence !’
When the bids on the pews be
gan to slacken, Girard Roth-
ciiiLD, a man who in the earth
beneath had owned whole blocks
of store-houses, bid in a number
of pews partly in his own name
and partly in the name of others,
so that the aggregate might foot
up to an amount that had never
previously been known in hea
ven ; and when the bids were all
in, it was found that the pews
liad brought ninety-three million,,
seven hundred, tliousand,, and.
foui’to.ou. dollars.. Bufe tlie, SQQUq*
was not over. A wealthy Scotch
man, wlio had an eight}’--thoiis-
and-dollar pew, said: “1 notice
back there in the crowd }nning
Robert McCiieyne, with a clus
ter of peop'le from Dundee. What
arc they to do?” “Take those
poor seats along by the wall,”
said the auctioneer; “And yon
der is Richard Bas'I'er, with a
crowd from Kiddcrmiiistor,” said
an Englishman. “Well,” said the
auctioneer, “he can find his ‘Saints
everlasting rest in that further
corner.’ ” When Latimer and
Ili]:)LEY applied they declared that
they liad nothing to pa}', as they
had got burned out and the fire
had takoJi ever}’thing. Butfmal-
ly the holders of the chief pews
lost their patience, and said;
“Drive those common people out.
They vitiate the atmosphere. We
will give something nice to have
a mission chapel for them down
on one of tlie back streets of liea-
ven. Let them go there, and be
by themselves. Send down to
tliem some of those third-class
harper.s ndtli their harps, and let
that angel with the bronch tis go
and preacli to them. But got
them out of this jilaoe. Away
with thorn !” At this all the first-
class pew-holders shouldered tlieir
gold-headed canes, and began to
clear the promises; and Isaac
Watts was shoved out, and Hen
ry Martyn, and Philip Dod
dridge, and Elizabeth Fry, and
a great multitude that no man
could number. The aisles were
(inally cleared of all save two,
who at first peremptorily refused
departure. The one was roiigh-
i)’ jostled and asked who he was
that he dared thu.s to interfere
with this auction ; and he gave a
startling amioimccment, which
made all the chandeliers rattle,
and the whole building (juake as
if nadcr a clap of thunder : “J
am the Apostle James.- If there
come unto your assemblv a man
with a gold ring, in goodly ap
parel, and there come in also a
poor man in \ ile raiment; and ye
have respect to liim that weareth
the gay- clotliing, and say unto
him, ‘&it tlioii here in a good
placeand say to tlie poor,
‘Stand thou tliere, or sit here un
der my footstoolare ye not
then jiartial in yourselves, and
are become judges of evil
thoughts ?” But this was consid
ered impertinent, and two of the
trustees of the Church of Heaven
seized tlie Apostle James by the
collar of his robe, and marched
him off to the fastness in the tow
er, asking the municipal authori
ties to take charge of him till next
There was now but one more
case to be disposed of. He seem
ed weaiy, as if ho had walked a
great ways, and leaned up against
the MGill. And when he was ask
ed whether he wished to purchase,
he said : “No ; I liad not on earth
where to lay my head. 1 was
born in a manger that did not be
long to me, and was buried iu a
borrowed sepulchre, and I am
consequently in full sympathy
with the people whom you have
shut out. Ye refuse the benedic
tion I gave when I said ‘The
poor ye have always with, you.”
You. wdl'L have' none such,, ami
IjcucG'ye oannot; have my bene-
dictiouJ Inasmuch as ye did it
not to them ye did it not to me.”
Witli this He staggered in fatigue
and faintness tmvard the door,
and passing out, sTiut it so loudly
behind Him that the jar of the
gate woke us; Then we found
that there had bemt no {inction
sale of jiews in heaven at all, but
we had liad a dream consequent
iqiou our leaning our liead against
a slat in a car window.
All irreverout C'IU€U€?r{
They have lutd more trouTde
at our i^Ietliodist meetiitg-hmise.
Last Sunda}' Rev. ivfr. Mood}-
was just beginning his sermon,
and had uttered the words “Breth
ren, 1 wish to direct your atten
tion this morning to the fourth
verse of the tweiitii.ah chapter of
Saint-^—wlien a hen emerged
from the recess beneath the ])u!-
pit. As she had just laid an egg,
she interrupted Air. Moody to an
nounce the fact to the cougre-
gatioii; and he stopped short as
she walked out in the aisle, screech-
in cr^—
ill o
“Knit - kuk-kiik - kuk—to - ho !
Kiik-kuk-kuk-knk—to-lto !”
Mr. Moody oonteinplated her
for a moiuont, and then eoiduded
to go oil; but the sound of )iis
voice seemed to provoke her to
rivalry, so she put on a pressure
of five or .■ ix pounds to the square
inch, and made such a racket
that the pi-eaclier stojipod again,
and -said:
“Will Deacon Grimes please
remove that disgricefiil Ciiiekcii
from the meeting-house 1"
The deacon tose and proceeded
with the task. lie fiist tried ^to
drive her toward the door ; but
she dodged him, and,, still cluck
ing vigorousl)', got umler the
seat ill the front pew. Then the
deacon seized his umbrella and
scooped her out into the aisle
again, after which ho tried to
“shoo” her toward the door; but
she darted into a pew, hopped
over the partition, came down in
to the opposite pew and iu the
.side aisle, making a noise like a
steam planiiig-niill. The deacon
didn’t like to climb after her, so
ho went around, and just as he
got into the side aisle the hen flow
into the middle aisle again. Then
tlie boys in the gallery laughed,
and the deacon began to grow red
iu the face.
At last Mr. Bimis came out of
his pew to help, and, as both he
and the deacon made a dash at
the chicken in opposite directions,
she flew uji with a ivild cluck to
tlie gallery and perched on the
edge, while, she gave excited ex
pression to her views by emitting
about five hundred chicks a min
ute, The deacon flung a hymn-
book at her to scare her down
again, but ho missed her and hit
Billy Jones, a Sunday-school
scholar, in the eye. Then an
other boy in the gallery made a
dash at her, and reached so far
over that he tumbled and feel on
Mrs Mi.skey’s spring bonnet, where
upon she .said out loud that he
was predestined to the gallows.
The crash scared the ken, and
she flew over and roosted on the
stove-pipe that runs along just
under the ceiling,, fairly howling
with fright, lai order to bring
lie.r down {lie dbacon and Mr.
Biiins both boat on the lower part
of the pipe with their umbrellas,
and at the fifth or sfixth. knock"
the pipesejiarated, aiid about forty
feet of it came down With a critsii,-
emptying a barrel or two of soflt
on the congregation. The'fe wcr'e'
woD'en in tliiit co!igre'ga:tib'n Syho
went home looking as if they had
been working a coal rftirie, arid
wishing' they could strib Deacon
Grimes without beiitg Imiig for
murder. The hen Came' down
with the stove-pipcf rind as shei
flow by 5Ir. Binns he rimde a d.-feli
at her with his umbfella and
knocked her clean tlit'ottglr fi fif-
teen-dollar pane of glass, Wherc-
npon she landed in the street, and
hopped ofl’ C ink'n-)' inisaaely.
Then Mr, Moody adjourned the
cong-regation. They are going
to exjK'l the o'ivfier' ef fha't Iieri
from the church when the}' dis
cover his identity.
Pbayixo with CffiLBSES.—a
minister had been talking with a
young mother on the importance'
of prayer for the children, and
asked her whether she ever pray
ed with, as well as for, her liltio
ones. .She said she had riot, as
she feared they would bo i'.3stlesK
andslie ombai'i ass ;d; but nevertlu -
less she promised to try. As even
ing came she noticed that her
daughter seemed unusually peev
ish, and so she thought it best tet
take her little son first. Willie;
was a bright lad of only five years^
but when his mother whispered
her wish to pray with him, ho
gladly put his hand in hers and
knelt by her side. As he lieard-
his own name mentioned before
the Ijord, a tender hush seomeef-
to fall upon his young spirit, and
lie clasped his mother’s fingerri
more tightly as each petition for
his special need was breathed in
to the ear of the Groat Falheiv
When they rose from their knees'
Willie’s face was radiant.- “Mam
ma, mamma,” he said, “Tm glad-
}'0u told Jesus my iiaTne'; now'
lie’ll know me, when I get to
heaven.”
VkT/Ocity and DljkA'ftON' Op
Lightning.—A largeflasliof ligbt-
ning, distinedy seen,, often’'loavek
upon the mhiu an impression that}
it has lasted fully a seOorid Oi*'
more, but it is proved, that siicfc
is not the fact.- Its velocity is' .at?
the rate of 288,000 miles pef s'fteo
ond. The utmost duration of at
flash from beginning to end ik es
timated not to exceed the' sixtietlr
part of a second, though retained
upon tho retina .so much longer.
Tliis- may be proved during a
storm on a perfectly dark nighf
by setting a wheel to work so-
rapidly that in a steady feglif itk
spokes appear to blend ajid be
come indiviilualiy invisiWe: It
being; dai'k, and tire wheel'I'ftjjidly'
rOTolving as above, wheti a' flaslr
of lightning occurs the Wheel will,
appear to the eye motionloss, ev
ery spoke beiEg distinctly and
separately visible and still.- This-
was first observed by IVlieatstone,
and is recorded by liim,, in con
junction with other similar exper
iments, as-eonslusive' proof that
the duration' of tiki flash is excess
ively Mef.
A coffin maker liavi-ng apart
ment to let,'postedhis-bills-announ-
cing the same upon th’o coffins in?
tho ivindow, ‘Lotlgi-ng'i^ si-ngla'
-gentlcmon..’