Newspapers / Zion’s Landmarks (Wilson, N.C.) / May 15, 1869, edition 1 / Page 2
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na 90 ZION’S LANDMARKS Farmville, Pitt County, N. G., March 29th, 1860. Dear Brother Bodenhamer .-—If an entire stranger may venture to claim that tender relationship -whi'ch my feelings encourage me to do : yet, although stranger in the flesh, I hum bly hope that it is not so in the Spirit. Therefore, after many thoughts and irre.solutions, I have undertaken to avail myself of your kindly invitation to contribute to the columns of your very interesting and highly prized little paper. And now it seems almost like presumption in a poor weak crea ture like myself, to venture on so sacred a cause ; but I feel encouraged by the example of^my dear sisters, whose writing I have been reading for sometime past, both in the Land marks and in the Signs of the Times. Dear brethren and sisters, I would not have you suppose that I expect any one to be much edified by this feeble attempt; for what am I calcu lated to say, that you do not already know. My object in Avriting is this : J AA'ish to bear testimony amongst a cloud of witnesses, that salvation is of the Lord, Avith those who have repudi ated the filthy rags of self righteous ness and Arminianism, and rely sole ly on the merits of our once crucified but noAv risen and exalted Saviour, for justification and acceptance Avith the Father. 0, Avhen a poor sinner is brought to see hoAV Aule, hoAV Ioay eunk he is by nature, he gives up all reliance on anything Avhich he can do. V O To this place, the AA'riter of these lines has been, and if any one Avas ever saved by grace alone, it is me, if saved at all. A long time ago, when a very .■^mall child, by peculiar circumstances, 1 became aware that I Avas a sinner, and felt in some measure condemn.- od. As I grew older, these uneasy thoughts Avould often recur, and at times I Avould be much troubled, and I Avould try to pray ; but oh, how re- ' ieved ] felt when I could escape from such solemn feelings, and enjoy my play and sports with my young com- ])anious; such reflections are indeli bly stamped on my memory, and al though 1 am noAv in my seventy fifth yci.r, I have never forgotten them. From my earliest recollection i was accustomed to sittiug under the preaching of both Methodist and Jlaptist denominations ; but as near ly all of my near connections VA’ere Old School Baptists, I thouglit that they must certainly be right, and supposed I believed that doctrine ; when poor deluded creature, 1 was nothing but an Arminian by nature and principle. Through the restrain ing grace of an allwise God, I was never suffered to run into such lengths of folly and profanity as many of my youthful associates were permitted to do. But instead of giv ing the glory to whom it was due, I took it to myself, and now I can sec how proud, and what a self righteous Pharisee I was ; I believed my heart and natural disposition, to be far bet ter than the generality of rry ac quaintances, and even some profes sors of the Old School Baptist order. Although I was fond of gay amuse ments, and sometimes indulged in them, yet I never joined in making a mock of religion or telling false hoods, in jest or in earnest; and often after spending a gay night, on being left alone, the thought of a future state AA'ould he presented to my mind, and oh, hoAv miserable I Avould be, but still I believed in my good heart, and by some, I was thought to be so perfect, that they told me they believed me to be a Christian, yet, I could never per suade myself that I Avas a con\mrted ^ person. After a while I came ,out Avith my figleaf apron, and said I did believe 1 could do something tOAvards recommending myself to the favor of God, Avhen my dear old father, Avho Avas a thorough going Predestinarian Baptist, urged me to harry about it; said I had no time to lose, no excuse to make. I thought when I get mar ried I AA'ill seek religion ; but alas, that time never came, I never got ^ ready to begin. MeanAvhile I thought I that I felt reconciled to God in all things but death, I AA'as not recon ciled to die. I heard others complain ' about the season, about AA'et, heat, I . ’ ! cold and all such thinn-s ; I thought I I felt Avilling that God should rule his OAA'u earth according to his OAvn Avill; I thought I loved Him, and could not see Avhy I did not obtain the blessing. I heard of a Mediator, but could not see my need of one.—- Truly the SaAuour was a root out of dry ground, haAong no form or come liness in Him for me. Poor de luded creature that I AA'as, 1 had been creating a God to suit my own capac?* ity, aaTio existed no Avhere but in my OAvn imagination. All this, AApile I eften heard the gospel preached in its purit_^, and often felt much affect ed under it, but still the blindness Avas not removed nor the deaf ear unstopped; I tried to live a moral, upright life, and build my hopes on that; I was trying to make clean the outside of the cup and platter, with out ever thinking to look AA'ithin ; I did not expect to be accountable for those sins Avhich I could not avoid ; indeed I scarcely knew that they ex isted ; having never discovered the depravity of my nature nor the exceed ing sinfulness of sin. In this wmy i Avent on for years. But at last, I one day attended a funeral. My dear old brother Ilyman preached. Under his discourse I began to comprehend something of the nature of original sin, and of accountability to God for even the thoughts of foolishness. I Avent home in a very unhappy state of mind. The whole truth did not flash on my mind at once, but step by step I Avas led to realize the awful condi tion I Avas in. 0, then this good heart of mine, in which I had trust ed so much, I found to be the cage of every unclean and hateful bird. The Avhole head was sick ; nothing hut AYOunds, bruises and putrifyin a: sores throughout. And, ah, they had not been molified nor bound up. Whole SAYarms of evil thoughts, such as I never imagined before, came flocking in, and n,OAv I found Avhat I never could see before, that the carnal mind is enmity to God, not subject to his law, neither indeed can be. I saAV no way but that my poor soul must be forever lost. I could see no Avay to be saved but by obedience to the laAAq and I failed in every point. 0, how uprightly I tried to Avalk. I could not be careful enough in speak- insc, for fear I would sav something: wrong. But all this gave no relief; instead of getting any better, I grew I vrorse. I could imagine of no crea. i ted thing that ever had been or ever I AYOuld be more sinful than my poor i corrupt heart. And yet I could not i weep and grieve over my sad state as I Avished to, which caused me to sup pose that it Avas nothing good, but a fcai'ful looking out for fiery indigna tion. In this condition I remained a long time. I could eat and sleep, and sometimes my troubles Avould Avear off measurably, but AYOuld re- turn again. During all this time I would often try to pray. But poor ignorant creature that I Avas, I kncAY nothing of a SaA'iour. I had often heard of Him, but understood nothing of a Saviour’s love. Yes, and all my life long he d been in the habit of reading the Old and Ncay Testa ments, and felt great indignation against the Jcat- for their treatment of our Lord; never once realizing that it was you, mj sins, my cruel sins^ his chief tormentors were. I often sat under the ministry of a Hyman,, a Ward, LaAvrence, and others.— Their preaching seemed to apply to my case ; still my distress remained, and I thought that I Avas one who never was to be saved, for not any thing I could hoar or do Avould relieve the sorrowful state of my mind. One Monday morning, (Ayhile I retain mw reason, that day Avill never be for gotten,) I think I had been to preach ing the over day, and that morning I arose Avith a deeper gloom on my mind than ever I experienced in all' my life ; a deep sense of my forlorn situation atus impressed on me, and it came to my thoughts that ray case Avas similar to that of the Avicked-— cursed in my basket and in my store, in my goings out and my comings in; a deep gloom seemed to hang over all nature and myself too. As tl?e dav ATore on, I got no better. At last, not feeling like attending to my domestic affairs, I took a solitary stroll in a field, musing in deep de jection on my sad condition ; all that I could do I had done; I could not see hoAY God could sIigay mercy to such a wretched creaturg asT AAuas ; Avhen in a mom,ent, as it Avere, what a glorious vision burst on the vieAY of my understanding ; with my mind’s- eye I plainly saiv the blessed Saviour before ILs Father’s throne, as Me diator and Bepresentative for all who ever had or ever AYOuld belong to His church; and the Father no longer looked on the poor helpless sinner for restitution, but on His dear Son, Avho, by His sufferings here nn earth, and ignominious death on the cross, had given complete satisfaction for them, to offended law and justice.— 0, what a sweet calm ; delight dif fused itself over my mind; 1 could see noAY how a sinner could be a sia- ner and yet saved by the merits of a crucified Bedeemcr; I could now rest from my laborious work under the law, hoping that I was one of those Avho Avas represented in Him. With very different feelings from Avhat I had on leaving it, I returned to my house, singing or repeating ; ’Tis not of works, lest I should boast, But Tis of grace alone ; If the least work depends on me, I’m sure to be niidonc.” I did not feel that ecstatic joy which some are so highly favored Afith.— Perhaps that might be the reason why I was so soon doubting my ovi- denee of b-eing one of the number
Zion’s Landmarks (Wilson, N.C.)
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May 15, 1869, edition 1
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