180
ZION’S LANDMAEKS.
Eocky Mount, N. C.,
Oct. 12th, 1870.
Dear Brother Bodenhamer:—It is
in much weakness I make the at
tempt to pen what 1 hope the Lord,
in his tender mercy has done for
my poor soul. From my earliest
recollection I had serious irapres-
•ions on the subject of my soul’s
•alvation. My first impressions
were, that I was unprepared to meet
a just God. I remember well a
proposition I made to my sister,
who was a few years younger tlian
myself, if she was fortunate enough
to reach heaven, that she would ad
minister to me in my suffering con
dition, which would be, I feared, in
utter darkness. You must know
my idea of God’splans and purposes
were very faint. I remembered
hearing ministers speak of Lazarus
and the rich man ; it bore with con.,
siderable weight on ray mind, which
led me to read the bible. Previous
to that time I have no recollection
of having any interest in even ever
reading its sacred pages. But in
searching the bible, I found that
the Pharisees prayed three times a
day. 1 resolved to do a little bet
ter than they did, and tried to pray
four times a day, and thought sure
ly the Lord would love me. This
I kept up for sometime, but at
length I forgot to pray at all, and
followerl greedily after the pleasures
of this world—among them was
dancing, which was my chief enjoy
ment f it was roy soul’s delight
whenever an opportunity afforded
itself. In this way I went for years
the downward road to destruction;
hut at times would have a remorse
01 conscience, feel it was wrong, and
resolve that I would never dance
again. But often as I made vows
I broke them, until I hope the good
Lord, in his infinite mere}’’, saw fit
to turn me from the love of sin.—
Pen will fail to describe my auguisli
of soaL I could not enjoy the coni"
■jiany I once delighted in, neither
could I enjoy the company of Chris
tians. I felt ruined and undone,
and could adopt the language of
one of old:
“ Like one alone I seem to be,
Oh I is there any one like me.”
In this condition I tried in niy weak
way to heg the Lord to have mercy
on me, a poor, lost, miserable sin
ner, and even in that attempt I felt
I committed a sin to take his name
in my sin-dafiled and polluted lips.
In thi.s deep distress I was going to
school, and mv teacher and com
rades would often ask the reason of
my sadness and depression. At
times I would feign myself sick and
go home. My father and mother
would wonder what can be the mat
ter. At one time a physician was
him will I also deny before my
Father which is in heaven. This
marred my peace day and night;
there Was no enjoyment for me. I
concluded I would go to the church
and tell them what I had felt—that
a very simple one, but indeed I felt
it was the worst of cases. I verily
believed that I was going deranged,
and that in that condition I should
die, and eternal punishment would
be my doom. I would often seek
my silent chamber, and read the
bible to try to find some comfort,
but all was eondemnation ; I could
find promises for others but none
for me. 1 wished myself anything
else but a humau being, for I verily
felt that I had committed the un
pardonable sin ; that the time had
been when I could have found rner^
cy, but I had been such a great sin
ner the day of grace was past.—
Here I resolved to pray if I perish
ed ; I ceased to part my lips in pray
er, but the very breathings oi my
soul was, Lord be mercitul to me, a
lost and undone sinner. I was un
fit for any duty. The last night I
remained in this deplorable condi
tion I was afraid to close my eyes
for fear I should wake in torment.
It pleased the Lord, as the sun arose
next morning, to speak peace to iny
troubled soul. These words were
forcibly impressed on ray mind,
Ephesians 2d chapter and 1st verse;
“And you hath he quickened, who
were dead in trespasses and sins.”
They were to my poor troubled soul
like meat to the hungry and water
to the thirsty. I can never describe
the peace and gratitude I enjoyed
lor a season. I never felt that ex
ceeding great joy I have heard oth ers
speak of. But alas, what was Sa
tan’s first step to molest my peace :
You are deceived, or you would have
felt like praising God aloud ; but
ontheotherhand I thought I would
keep it within my own bosom and
never reveal it to any human being.
These doubts soon passed away, and
my mind was directed to the church,
but I felt so unworthy and my hope
was so little I could never venture.
I was afraid 1 was deceived, and if
I was I did not want to deceive any
one else. I felt that I could be as
good a Christian out of the church
as I could in it ; but these two pas
sages of Scripture were forcibly im
pressed on luy mind If you love
me, keep my commandments; and.
He that deuyeth me before men.
called in ; he pronounced my case they all knew how sinful I had
been, and I was quite young, and
they would not receive me, then I
would have a clear conscience. I
went to church in September 1853,
fully determined to offer, but obsta
cles presented themselves over which
I had no control, and I went away
miserable. There was baptising
next day. I felt at the water 1
should not live to see another meet
ing roll around, but promised the
Lord if he would spare me I would
not let another opportunity pass.
With that promise I made myself
pretty well contented for a week or
two. Before the next meeting I
determined fully within myself I
never would offer. I went to ch urch
so determined, I moved the seat 1
had usually occupied. It seemed
that the whole sermon was directed
to me. After service a door was
opened, and to my utter astonish
ment, my father went forward and
was received. I could no longer
forbear. We were both baptised
the next day. I had just entered
my seventeenth year. I can say of
a truth it was the happiest day of
my life, I felt indeed that all my
troubles were over. I could view
Jesus as my Saviour, and was ena
bled to exclaim, Whom have I in
heavdn but thee, aacl there is none
on earth I desire besides thee. I
had no care, no sorrow, neither
grief nor pain. I went on ray way
rejoicing over seven months. I
often heard Christians speak ot their
doubts, but they had seemed to take
their flight. I verily felt that 1
should be carried to heaven on flow
ery beds of ease. But alas, my
troubles came with double force ;
afflictions, sorrows, bereavements,
trouble on every side. It is thus
the Lord leads his chosen. It is
through great tribulation you enter
the kingdom. The Lord chastens
whom he loveth, and scourgeth
every son whom he receiveth. The
Lord Jehovah is luy strength, I
shall not fear. Like every other
dispensation of 1’ro.vidence, it was
wisdom and loving kindness in him
to choose our pathw^ay to be a rug
ged one. Behind a dark Hrovi--
dence he hides a smiling face, and
makes every sorrow yield them
good. I have often felt in my trials
if I was one of the redonned of the
Lord I would not be so borne down.
But the promise is to hi.s children,
he will be with them in the sixth
trouble, yea, in the seventh no evil
shall touch them, and whenever we
are enabled by an eye ot laith to
take hold of these promises, it does
away with all trials, and we are en
abled to go on our way rejoicing.—■
How comforting to the poor weary
saint, overpowered with care and
trouble on every hand, to meditate
on the loving kindness of the Lord;
how he leads us about and instructs
us; leads us in paths that wm have
not known ; opened our blind eyes,
unstopped our deaf ears; gives us
a heart to understand; has taken
our feet out of the mire and clay'
and placed them on the rock of
ages, and put a new song in our
mouth, even praises to Israel’s
God. Behold what great tilings
the Lord hath done for us, whereo-f
we ought to be glad. I do feel to
rejoice in the God of my salvation,
but oh, how unworthy I feel. But
Paul said, To me, who am the least
of all saints, is this grace given.—
I feel to bless God for this free and
unmerited grace, which- enables me
to endure hardness as a good sol
dier. Oh, that the Lord would
strengthen me, so I may be able to
bear up with ebristian fortitude
and resignation under ail the trials
and conflicts that may await me. I
trust I have a well grounded hope,
that Jesus has borne all my sor
rows, all my iniquities, anfl that he
is my blessed surety, and that I am
justified by his righteousness, called
by the operation ofhis Spirit, which
Spirit can, and will I hope, enable
me to pass through all my infirmi
ties, deep trials, fiery temptations,
sore discouragements, dark provi
dences, and at last be glorified and
eternally saved in Christ beyond
this vale of tears, where the days of
my mourning will be ended. Then
sin will grieve me no more, afflic
tion, sorrow and sighing depress me
no more. Then shall I thirst and
hunger no more, but shall rest safe
and secure in Christ, the ark of
safety. There the Lord in the
midst of the throne shall feed us
and lead us to fountains of living
water, and God shall wipe all tears
from our eyes. This is some, as I
trust, of the dealings of the Lord
with me.
Yours, I humbly trust, in Christ,
P. E. WHITLEY.