Newspapers / Zion’s Landmarks (Wilson, N.C.) / July 15, 1874, edition 1 / Page 4
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'S ©BinrauBiratEu. ri PROSPiCCT HI LI., I Caswell (‘ounty, >’. C., > April 28tli, 1874. j 1 Dear Jh'others and in Ziem :— j It ha.s boon niy intention for some i time to offer to the pnhi'C my vxpe- •■ienee in religion, if it he religion— ihongli in so miutli darkness and gloom I fear 1 am a stranger to that bies.sedness ; and feeling my ineompe- tency to edify I ho;>e you will b-ar with my infirmity, and I will try lo abbreviate as mueh a.s possible. Vrom my youth Uj) to my twenty- .seeond vear in life I 'ivas a gay, giddy and thoughtle.ss girl—company, fash ion and the jirai.se of the world were mv g’orv ; thought.s of (Utath and eternity rarely ever interruiitcd my mind. I went to |)reaehing often, out like many of the pre.sent day—to •see and be seim. I flatter my.selt to say I wis kiitd-hearted and unassum- Mig, ready to do mv friends any fa- '.•or that wa.s in my power, never,eotild bear deceit tind hy]>oerisv in any- tliing, j.articnlitrly in religion, and - it wa.s never mv design to wear any ■doak of divine things. I felt a j)ar- tiality for the Methodist (b.etrine, their plan of salvation appeared mo.st roasonalde tind ottsy to me, besides I received' iny education in a Metludist .school to a'hieii I was mueh attachel, and my teatdier was a minister of that faith, who,se piety I never doubted, and through all,, mv life have been f.n'mmnihHl with Anninianinfluences. I have often tittended tludr revivals, and, on many oceasioys, during the I’vereises, fell d(S»j)ly ilmj)re.ssed, but like the morning mist'd .siy;n jia.s.serl awav,and 1 returyed to my sin again, and roilel H as a .sweet morsel under my tongue. During tlie vear 1862, I became very intich tmubUsl. 1 don’t know that lliere was any specdal instrnmen- tvlitv—the j)!eii.stire that I onee dc- iiir hted in l>e(“ame burden,some to iup, 1 would strive to drive it off in various wav,s,hill all in vain, and was always fearful that .some one would discover tiie melaneholy that was brooding over my sjurii, I flilt foi'sa- ken and uneai’ed for by all my rela tives and friends, and wou.d often wonder to my.self why it was so, I could liear others .speaking of their anxieties and troubles of the war, hut I did not feed it as they exj)ros.sed thein.solve.s, altliough I iiad a brother, relatives and friends engaged in the struii'gle. I thought .snrelv that 1 h.ad a wairse heart than anylKKly else, vet there wa.s a depres.sion in my feelings and my heart was burdened with a secret trouble. I felt a keen sense of my nn worth!ne.ss, and tliat I had been a great .sinner, and tmly de sired religion, but bow to obtain it I wan at a loss- My « irslant prayer w'as, Ijord convict my lieart of sin and show me what to do. 1 felt willing to reooauoe all worldiiness to obtain the for the preparation for death was (^'Juore imjvortancc to tne than all the charms of the world, but my faith was liedged and hounded. I knew not how to pursue. I would try to read the Bible, but it seemed so dark and mysterious tliat I could ; not understand it, and I woiihl lay it aside, thinking that a convicted soul would love to read the Ikble, and it | would give tliem some comfort. I yearned fiir eousolation hut it was no w'here to be found. If I could have' i'elt that God liail convicted me I would liave liad some hope of deliv- eianee, but I could not believe't. 1 attended a Mi.'^sionary Baptist revival and felt very mueh concern ed under the cxliortations; in eomlu- .sion, the minister invited tliose wdio wi.shed the prayers of the ehnrcli to make it known b\' kneeling. I felt that I wi-hed tlie jiravcrs of Chris tians, and I immediately knelt, and there came such a liardnoss in my heart I could not shed a tear, and in stead of trying to pray ravself, I thought I had eomraittod a sin in kneeling. I was trying to i mpress the eongi'og.atinn that I wa.s seeking rcliwion when it wa fal.-'c, and I felt when I aroi^e to mv .«eat,if God would fo"give me for 1:h!it deception I never would knee! in public again. Soon mv troubles returned vv’d? more force than ever. There was io eommenee another revival, Metliodist, the next Sabbath. I went and iieard a se mon from my old .school teacliee, whii'h affected mo very much, and I was n,nde willing that day to go anv 4T 'V 'V where or lo anvt.hino; that'v.'buld id- ford me any relief. 1 went bai-V, n 'xt day feeling very much hardened, .so mueh. so, that I couhl not sujiport it, and at the first invitation for mourners I arose deliberatidy and knelt at th.' altar. Many others followed and they .said liiany were hajipily converted, but I wa.s too mueh concerned about my own eonditiou to know or care for iuiy- thlng that wa.s going on. Thev prayed and talked to me agoiM deal, but I fe t that it was doing me no good. I tried ti> pray uni'casinglv my.self, but it seemed that mv jieti- lions did not reach the throne of grace. They would tell mo to look and lielicve—that I would receive the ble.ssing, that it would certdrdy oome, and to give my heart to God. I thought that it was all an impossi bility, for I was trying to do all that I could, ami coueluded that mine u as a different case from all others. I longed for some to tell nie their feeling's when they were mourners, but I received that comfort from none. Their shouting and exhorta tions did not excite me. I was im moveable, determined never to trifle with such a j>ure thing as I thought religion ought to l>e. 1 went every day until Idiursdav, went to the altar every invitation ainl remained ’till dismission, but mv iveart became f ¥ hardened. I felt tliat I was in the wrong place. I desired to be alone where I could pour out my heart in secret to him who heareth the peni tent’s prayer. I felt compelled to leave them. I went home feeling | wor.-ie'thai; hefore—all my efl'orts had | jiroved nnavail.’ng. I knew not what | to do, but still my jvrayer was like | tlie poor publican who smote Ujioii | his hrea.st and said : ‘“God, he mer- | eiful to me a sinner!” 1 felt that I | had done all that I could, that mine I was a peculiar and heljffes.s eiise and | if I was saved it would be tlie good ness and mercy of God. S.durday night after I retired lo re.st there came over me a peaceftii comfort wh'ch I could not account for, yet did iiot take it for religion. I had spent many sleejile.ss nights before, but that niglit 1 slejit sweetly. M"hen I awoke next morning mv burden was gone, everything was new; as I walk ed in the house my stejis were easy and ligfit, the birds sang a new ‘■'ong. I felt joyful and liapjiy but .“a-d nothing to any one. There seemed to sjirlng up a love for the Primitive Baptists, and I felt like I wanted to lienr one preach. There wa.s a sec tion meeting at Ebenezer, ten miles from home. I asked my mother if she wonhl go willi me there—she consented. I never enjoyed, a ride better, all nature seemed ' to be en robed in beauty and lov’eliness. I had been there often in my ehild- iiood (living near there then) to jn’emciiing and singing .scho.-ds, hut (lie place appeared new,and altogeth er tdianged. Elder David Moore preached. I thought I never had liear.d a I'^irnion, lodbrc. D had .seri - j ouslv objected to tlie Biptists telUng I their exjiericnces, but it svas just tlie thing I wanted to hear—it was mu sic to rnv ears; atid in tolling his own I thought that he expreijsed mv filings 'setter tlian J could have do’.ie mvself. All die Witv home J was perfectly hapjiy, no timuglii.s of the world interrupted ray mind, ail was love, joy and peace—ready lo ac knowledge I had been brouglit by wtiv.s I knew no'-, and in jiatiis I laid not sfsm. I loved God and all ids creation, and 1 lielield as it were, with my natural ey&s, Jesus on the ero.ss atoning for my sins ; I saw }h.s puritv, goodness and love in forgiv ing such a wretched sinner as 1 had been, and_ Ihougtit surely I would never sin against such a good Being again. ISty onee sinful heart was changed into a heart of love, and I was filled vrith such a rapture of de light I could not refrain trom telling my motiier of it. But oh, too soon to re,,ent it! Soon I began to have doubts and fears that I had mi.ssed the substance and caught the shadow. I began to read the Bible which was before so dark and mysterious, I found it to f>e plain and easy to my undei“standing, and every word of it 'seemed a confirmation of the Bible doctrine. I had never noticed Iiefore that “Satan was transformed into an angd of liglit,.” 2nd Cor. 11: 14. Here 1 began, to jiasJise, thinking jier- haps Satan had given me that light. Clouds then seemed to lie hoverinfr over tne, which caus'd me much anx iety. I knew that it was not sudi as like everv God would have nor sneh a.s he de serves, I eoneluded if I ever jiiiiuHl tile e-hureh that it must be the Mis- sioi ary Baptists,tiiey wen- mere jiojiu- !ar,that their jn’eaehors wei'c educated and it would be a liisadvantage tome to join t'lc Old Baptist?,, although what I lu'.d experieneid and read had taught me tliat tiu-y were right. I knew tliat such thoughts were wicked, and wa.s I'onvinced that J wouhi be [lunislied for if: worldly de sires and pursuits crowded my mind .so fast I lo.st .sight of fruflr. hiveor- rujitions commenced ri>in: mountains and it .seemed that sin that I had conriiiUel in my life came rushing in my mind and united in my heart. Ala.s, I icli—I ftdi a.s it were bom earth into tlie jaws of hell—inexpre.ssib]e misery. I wa.s like the dove that Moah sent out from the Ark, I felt no rest for the solos of my feet, 1 cc>ased to jiray, I felt that I had abu.sed the goodness of God, that I had played the hypo crite and betrayed myself to the worhi. I felt unworthy to walk up on the earth, unworthy to eat the bread the earth brouglit forth, un- worthv alas! to fail at the feet of Je sus and ask forgivenesS; si.ut cxi; from earth and from heaven ; doomed to e-,’er!a.«tirig iHini.shment —wretched and undone, I ;-.;i-.v'*iu> way ol fseajie. I hated my existence and 'wanted to hide myself from all of God’s creation. Sad and alone I andv would roiiiijrtthe seeking relief luir, it was no wliere to bo found. J could see ii'!: giHKhiess of God in everytl ing: };is puritv. wisdom and rigiiteou.-'mss, and to feel how jioliuted and ecfrrujit mv heart was, it seemeHi more tlian I eou'd bear, and thought surely my heart would bur,«t, and oftimes iuive pneSs- ed my hand there tosupi'iort the bur den—it WO.S so heavy I iho'ight it imjM),sible to carry it. I cannot bet ter describe my lieart tluin a soiid rixik impenetrable and immoveable, I felt no softue§.s nor symivuln- for anything. ]No eartliE ties nor aflec- tions aroused me from ray leihargv. My lu'otlier ivas kiih-si in the last battle fought at Petersburg; v/hen the news reaeluxl us I eouhi see my mother and sister weeping, l.ut rot a dart of .sorrow could I fe'“i, vvfeteh(d and) mi.sera'ole to kno'w that mv only Imither, the only protector 1 Imil on earth wa.s gone never to return, and i could not shed a tear of j-egret for iiim. How guilty and eondemned D stood before God, and how desjiised and abhorred by the ivorld—it even makes me shudder to think of it^now. 1 felt meaner than anybody living o-f that Gi’d had ever created—ami I must rei-eive my portion in the low est pit in hell. I was .siitisfied that I; had committed the unjiardoruible .sug. for I had never heard nor read of any one being in such a condition as I was. I \va.s eneomjias&iHl Nvith dev ils and, had. m» power to re.sist them, nor hope of dielivesance. I would look back on the past to the time that I received so mush comfort—it
Zion’s Landmarks (Wilson, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
July 15, 1874, edition 1
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