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Zion's Landmarks: Wilson, N. C.
©nraminiicaitu.
Eocky iMouxT, N. C., July 14th, 1874.
Elder P. D. Gold, Dear Sir:—
thought—with every breath I begged
for mercy, till at last, becoming ex
hausted, both physically and mental
ly, I lay helpless and nearly uncon-
FjEASE excuse tiie liberty I
am taking in thus addressing
you. I have wished ,so much
to talk with you—and that
{trivilege being denied me, I have
concluded to write and tell you what
my feelings have been and are, and
ask your opinion and advice.
From my earliest recollections I
wished to be a Christian. I looked
on Christians as superior beings and
ref^arded them with reverence, but I
suppose I was in rny sixteenth or
seventeenth year when I became sen
sible of my exceeding sinfulness. I
commenced trying to pray—would
read the Bible for instruction and al
so in hope of finding comfort—but
only read my condemnation. One
evening when in a great deal of trou
ble I took the Bible, thinking surely
there must bo something in here
comforting, even for me, and if so I
Avill find it, but had read only a few
lines when suddenly I thought, How
do I know this is a correct transla
tion of the Bible? How do I know
the Bible is the book of God? or,
How do I know there is a God ?—
Immediately I thought, What have
I done ? I have doubted God’s word,
I have doubted his very existence, I
have committed the unpardonable
scions, when these words came into
sin and he will never forgive me!
For a wldle I seemed to be paralyzed
ancTsat .^arccly able to move and
gasping for breath. As soon as I
could, I arose and laid up the book
and for sometime after I was afraid
to touch it—I felt unworthy and was
afraid that if I even so much as laid
my hand upon it some awful judg
ment would be sent upon me. At
last I thouglit my condition could
not be much worse than it was, so I
again commenced rending, but still
found no relief. After a while my
distress wore off. At times I wandd
be troubled, at others more carele.ss.
I continued in this way about four
years, I think, when I became so
miserable that life itself was a bur
den. I felt that I could not live any
longer as I was. I would look on
the birds and beasts and wish I was
like them—I thought they had no
soul, they could not sin, while I could
do nothing else. One evening I felt
like giving up everything, and did
not care much whether I lived or
died, for I thought almost anychange
would be a relief. I took up a little
book (think it was Allien’s Alarm to
the Unconverted) opened it and com
menced reading, when every word
seemed directed to me, and that also
condemned me. I arose and went to
my room and tried to pray, but all I
could say was, ‘"God, be merciful to
my mind : “Christ is the end of the
law for rigliteousness to every one
that believeth.” I then saw that I
had never, believed in Christ, had
never understood any of his nature
and office—I had been depending on
my own works for my salvation,
while I could do nothing at all—I
must give up all to him, and I felt
perfectly willing to do so. A calm
quiet peace seemed to steal over me,
I felt that I was in God’s hands and
he would do right. Thus I contin
ued for several days : I seemed to be
waiting to liear the final decision,
and felt sure it would be right.—
About that time my brother and sis
ter came to visit ns. That evening,
father, as usual, commenced singing.
I generally .sang with him, but tlien
I could not sing. I was thinking of
God’s mercies in sparing us all, and
permitting us to have such pleasant
reunions, and I Altso thankful. They
commenced singing
thought I would tell her; then I
thought, I may be deceived and shall
I deceive my darling mother* ? Ho,
not for the whole world ! So I was
silent. Fi’om that time I thought I
was mistaken, was'afraid I had im
agined a great deal. A few weeks
after that one evening I was walking
in the garden, thinking of my condi
tion, and wishing that I could recall
the past, when suddenly I thought.
language it would bo inadequate,—
The third day Air. Purvis* preached
the funeral. He and pa had been
together a short time previous. He
There is no God! It shocked me
“Drooping souls, no longer grieve.
From the first it affected me, but
when they sang
“Prom his liands, iris feet, his side,
Eans the liealiug lotion.’'
I seemed to see Christ nailed to tlie
cro.ss bleeding and dying. He look
ed on me, but, oh! I can never de-
■and
love
that
any
me a sinner
I had often thought
before that I tried so hard to do good
and prayed so hard, God ought to
forgive me, but then I saw that jus
tice required that I should be cast off,
iDfcver; but, oh! I could not bear the
-scribe .that look, so full of 'love
pity, yet it seemed to say : I
thee! I die for thee!! I found
I could nob control my feelings
longer, so I arose and left the room,
as I thought, to pray, but my prayer
was turned to praise. I saw how
loving, kind and merciful he was to
me and I loved him so much that I
wanted to tell the whole world of it.
I thought they would be obliged to
understand me and love liitn too.
Then I remembered how often I iiad
heard of his loving kindne.ss, but
never felt it before, and I knew they
too were blind, and lie alone could
open their eyes. But to me the
whole face of nature was changed,
evei'ything looked lovely, every-sound
was sweet music, heaven seemed to
open and I sa^y Christ ascending and
looking down on me. Oh how I
wished to go to him, to be with him
and praise him forever witli every
breath. I begged sweet Jesus to take
me! Oh, let me come! When he
was shut out from my sight, I thought
—This is wrong, I ought to be re
signed to his will. I then felt that I
was resigned, that I could bear any
thing that it was his will that I
should. Y^es, if I should become so
poor and afflicted as to have to crawl
about and beg my '.daily bread
I should be happy for I know noth
ing could ever trouble me again, and
for several days I was almost perfect
ly happy. I wanted to tell my pa
rents of my great joy : I knew they
would rejoice with me. So one eve
ning when alone with mother I
so that to prevent falling I sat down.
For a while it appeared that I could
not live. ' I seemed then to know
that my former feelings were real,
not imaginary, and I thought ifafter
all that I -hen doubted his existence
there could be no hepe for me. I
co'-dd not even ask for mercy. As
soon as I could, walk I arose and
went to the house and into my room
and thought I would try to pray
again when I thought: If there is no
God to whom shall I pray? and ev
erything seemed a blank,without God
there could be nothing. I then felt
that there was a God and if I perish
ed I would perish at his feet; and, I
again found peace. Soon after that I
seemed to be drawn to the church : I
loved Christians and wished to be
with them. I attended one of their
meetings thinking I would talk with
them, and if they were satisfied with
me I would be baptized ; but, before
the time arrived, the same which had
prevented my speaking to ray mother,
again arose. I ‘felt that I would
rather die than deceive God’s people
or dishonor his church. After that
I was generally cold, almost indiffer
ent. I did’nt fear eternal punish
ment. jmt I could not bear the
thought of dying : I loved life, my
family and friends, and did not want
to leave them. Thus time passed
till a few months before my fatlier’s
death. Aly health was dreadful, I
didn’t think I could live long, and
when ta,king on as I sometimes did,
he would talk to and try to lead me
to trust in God. Oh, how I wished
I could have such hope and faith as
he had. I knew he loved me and
prayed for me : perhaps God will
save me for his sake. Yes, he will
spare him to me to be my guide and
counselor while I live, and when I
am dead he (pa) is too good to die—
perhaps God will take him to heav
en. When I heard of his death (he
died suddenly) I thought I could
not bear it—then I thought, He is
not dead, or if he is God will save
him. I was not able to go up that
night, so I listened for some one to
come and tell me that he lived.—
Sometime through the night they
gave me an opiate which put me to
sleep. Next morning when I awoke
I again listened to hear some one say
he lived. When I knew he was cer
tainly dead I began to accuse God of
cruelty and injustice. Then I thought
that cannot be, there cannot be a
cruel or unjust God—perhaps after
all thei’e is not any God. It is use
less to attempt to describe my feel
ings
for had I perfect command of
spoke of their having such a happy
time, and said : Ho thought if man’s
prayers were ever answered his (pa’s)
were,for he had described such a death
as that to him as the one he h.ad long
prayed for. Then I thought, Surely
there mu.«t be a God to hear and an-
siver prayer. Yes, pa was more
righteous than I: his prayers were
received—mine were rejected. After
that, at times I was very skeptical,
till my mother’s death,' which was
Alarch 9th, 1874. She died of a
very painful and lingering disease
yet bore it patiently and seemed to
have such a strong hope, such a full
assurance of rest beyond the grave,
that I thought, Is not this enough
to convince me? Shall I ever doubt
again ? I do not know that I have
really doubted since, 'out at times
would think of the possibility of
last Fall, when I
left me
never to
such a thing, till
hope skepticism
return.
Air. Gold, please jiray for me if
you can ! Oh, ask God to Sjiare me
for have I notsuffered enough? How
long, how anxiously have I looked
for a Christian experience similar to
mine, but failed to find it till the sec
ond Sunday in Alay 1874. On Sat
urday I heard you and Elder A^an-
meter preach and enjoyed it very
much. Sunday I wa.s sick and could
not attend. The disap];>ointmcnt was
great. At'first I was very impatient
and strongly inclined to murmur—
then I remembered that we had jurt
received the Laedmaek-S, I also felt
like reading the Bible -so I was rec
onciled to remain at home. When I
took up the jiaper the first I saw was
from Elder J. E. Eespess, and there
I found wliat I had so looked for in
vain. I thouglit, Oh, if I could only
see that man I could expre.-5-s myself
fully and freely to him, for he would
not scorn but would sympathize with
me. But to retuni: During: all
those long weary years, I seldom,
heard preaching; I often wished to
hear.it but my health was bad and I
didn’t feel like going in company.—
About April 1st, 1872 I felt that
I must go. The next meeting I went
and again felt much love for Chris
tians. I felt it was my duty to join
them ; and if they received me, how
could I be baptized in God’s name
when I was not at all times certain
there was such a being. I also
thought as long as I was out of the
church my conduct could not affect
it, if I was in it it would, and I did
not want to bring reproach upon it.
I did not attend another meet
ing till September—I again felt that
it was my duty to offer to the ch.urch.
When Conference ^vas ojiened, the
wish to go was almost irresistible but
did’nt feel that I could speak a word.
On Sunday evening, death, a miser
able death, presented itself, I then
promised God if he would spare me
’till the next meeting I would go ;