60
Zion’s Landmai'K.
Batblebora’, N. C., January 14, 1876.
J'llder P.D. Gold,— Dear Brother:—
Highly esteemed one in Israel—I am
aware that you know how weak I
am and how little I know, and I
dunk 1 know it too, hut sometimes
tear I am not sufficiently sensible of’
Its extent. I know that all which is
necessary for me to know will be
tainrht me as I hobble alonsi on my
journey. It will be all that is in
tended for me, and enough, no more,
no le.ss, and at the right time. If I
try to meddle with God’s hidden
mysteries, misuse or abuse, and spurn
what is revealed to me with a rel>el-
lious spirit, I shall get over into the
enemies’ country and receive my
richly merited wounds and bruises.
And if 1 am too dull or slothful to
comprehend it, I shall be made to re
ceive it if I pa.ss through fiery trials
ere I am made willing.
Knowing my incompetency, why
did I write again? To liave my
name emblazoned on the records of
God’s children, to make a display of
pretended wisdom? or, to be consid
ered smart ? No, no, none of these !
Wliy then? I cannot tell, for noth
ing is more humiliating to me, more
mortifying to my natural pride, than
to see my writings published, replete
with errors, incMisistency and weak
ness, and know at fclie same time that
numbers of the true Israelites see the
futile attempts, the vanities and in
congruities. But there is an unrest
that draws me forth, an earnest de
sire that urges me on. God only can
aud does reconcile me to it. I dare
say, no earthly power could so sub
due my natural, proud heart and stub-
l>orn will, as to make me make a
public exhibition of my weakness and
folly. I have often made up my
mind to ask vou to correct the raul-
titude of mistakes in my lettei's, ere
you published them, but as often de
cided, No, let me appear in my own
true cc'lors.
My mind has been very much ex
ercised about writing upon different
subjects, so much so, that I could not,
at all times, rest either night or day,
but I thought if I continued to desist
it would eventually wear off.
December meeting at Falls, I made
up my mind to write sometime dur
ing this year (1876,) if I felt a liber-
tv, or an impression to Sxiy anything
that would benefit others, (perhaps I
wished to say something “smart,”)
hut a warfare seized upon my mind
and I could neither rest nor sleep till
I did write. I thought I had gain
ed the ease for which I was striving,
when I complied with the irresistable
demands—still there was a principle
within me that desired to serve God
and his glorious cause, whatever the
trials. But a fesv niglits, after send
ing off the package, slioweU me that
I had nor gained peace. After re-
tireing to re.«t, it ocenred to my mind
very forcibly, that I had not written
what I should, but what I .should
not, that had I written—I had made
inappropriate illustrations, an absurd
buntrling of foolishness. It drove
nil sleep from my eyes and filled my
hcait with unutterable sorrow. I could
not recall the language of my letter
to satisfy me whether these aevusa-
titms were true or not, but aflU*r en
during, for a few days> tliis n»ast in
tense mortification, I think the Lord
appeared for me, and made me wil
ling to submit my case to him. He
enabled me to see, that if I had com
mitted such outrageous follies, his
mercy still endured, and you would
deal with it according to its merits.
Are these things a part of my na
ture, that I can cultivate and resist,
my peculiar temperament? If it is
a part of my nature I cannot success
fully resist it. Brother Gold, I liave
tried, with all my mind, for the last
six months,also endeavored to commit
my way unto God, begged him to
keep me in my place, to prevent my
intruding my exercises of mind and
feelings of weakness upon others, and
enable me to cultivate a more friend
ly (not friendly, for I am more friend
ly to the world and sympathize with
its short comings than ever,) or a so
cial feeling with its vanities, follies,
and fashions, and what have I gain
ed ? Apples of Sodom, husks with
out the kernels, barrenness, leanness,
and darkness of soul—or a rebellious
spirit, sorrow, sore trials, and severe
conflicts of mind. What I have pass
ed through proves very clearly to my
mind that I cannot cultivate these
tilings. 1 must speak and act as I
am moved, or suffer the just penal
ties, God works in his j>eo[)le to will
and do of his own good pleasure,and I
am glad it is so. If they disobey or
rebel against his wise decrees, they
will surely suffer the inevitable con
sequences.
I find I must have a daily cross,
a daily crucifying of the flesh—or
there is no peiice for lue. I often'
wonder why my life is so much more
barren than others. In temporal
things 1 can’t do what I wish. I al
ways desired to deal honestly before
God and with man, that my life
might he in some manner, devoted to
the welfare of my fellow-creatures.—
Alas ! ivhat a complete failure ! How
void of one good deed is my whole
life! How unprofitable! What a
bungling mess I have made ©f every
good intention! It is all for my
good, I glory in it: but hew hard to
bear, when not blessed with the prec
ious presence of my Lord.
A fear w as once suggested that one
of the Siamese twins might die before
the other, and the surviving one have
to carry the dead body of his com
panion the remainder of his days—
horrible to contemplate ! And last
night as I tossed upon my bed unable
te sleep, unable to approach the mer
cy-seat save by groans, by reason of
being burdened by the enormities of
my follies and deformities of acts, it
seemed to occur to my mind with
force, that I was like th« surviving
Siamese would have been, that I
should have to carry this putrifying
body of sinful and rebellious flesh all
mv days, which appeared to me more
repulsive than the defunct Siamese
eoald ^have been, but I was made
willing t® bear it,and thankful it was
so, if I could at last ascend to those
blissful mansions above, where sor
row, pain and death are felt no more.
Those around me know not, neillier
can they, what I daily pass through :
mixtures of joys and sorrows, feasts
and famines, foolishness ®»e minute
to be re{>ented of the next, in dust
and aslies, groanings that cannot be
uttered, and ecstacies of delight.
There is nothing in this life I love
so well, -or ever have, that I adore
with niisprakabel adoration, as I do
this good old doctrine that debases
the creature and exalts the Creator.
It only is life—it is a glorious theme.
I want to talk and sing of it forever.
I desire to thank and praise my Mak
er, while lie spares me breath, for re
vealing this blessed truth to me, if
he leaves me out of the covenant.—
There is no comfort, peace, enjoy
ment,, or satisfaction in this life for
me, unless I am, in some manner,
dwelling upon the glorious truth that
is taught from the beginning to the
end of the Bible. I love to seclude
myself from mortal eye, when I am
able, and meditate upon God’s glori
ous plans, his wonderful works to the
children of men, his mercy and kind
ness, his watchful care, especially
over me. Who am I but a grass
hopper ? How sweet, how sublime,
how it fills my soul with ecstatic joy
to be allowed thesesweet meditations !
My soul doth magnify the Lord at
these times. At other times furious
storms rage within, and I find no
rest or peace, either in solitude or so
ciety. The howling winds and rag
ing billows break upon me from ev
ery direction and I turn for relief.
Singing becomes a burden, and pray
er a task, (for when God shuts uo
man can open,) so much so, that
when I try to ask the dear Lord for
relief, something tells me I am mak
ing up every word without a feeling
sense of it in my heart, aud I am
weary with my gfoanilaa« a»d fa
tigued with my struggles for relief. I
get so tired that I long to be releas
ed from it all, and lie down and rest
in peace. Bat I shall find no perfect
rest this side of the grave. I know
I ouglit to be willing to endure all
things for Christ’s sake, but I have
not that will at all times, and it is
so far as the grace of God will ena
ble me, that I ever have it. And
blessed be his holy name forever, for
one minute in his dear presence is
worth more than a thousand years in
sin and rebellion.
llis purpose will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour;
The bnd may have a bitter taste.
But sweet will be tlie flower.
If the veil could be removed and I
could see bis glorious [flans, .wise pur
poses and gracious provisions, that
are now being fulfilled in our midst,
the magnitude of bis goodness and
mei'cy to his people, would over
whelm me. My sinful flesli could
not believe it. Remorse of my guil
ty couscienco would consume me.
I have been brought to take a re
trospective view ot my life to
day, to dwell upon bow the Lord ha.s
dealt with me in providence and
grace, Itow I have wandered up aud
down upon the earth in a solitary
way, with no abiding city ; what
anxiety, pain’and toil I have borne,
and how he, in merey, has helped me
out of every difficulty, and blessed
all ray sorrows to me, I would nat
urally suppose, tliat iny membership
would have bt^en at a Church near
the old homestead, but uo, it is at the
Falls—-which lias become the dearest
spot »o earth to me—at the Falls,
wdiere the gosj>ej f(Kxl is sweeter to
me than h >ney, sweeter to me than
anywhere else—whore I always have
a feast of the good things given out
in the very essence of .svvectness,
wiien allowed to be there, at tko
Falls! where I first heard the gos
pel sound, with power, by Elder
Hart, though under condemnation.
When, after years of wandering, 1
was brought hack to tlie Falls, tho
the dear old pastor had passed away
and another had taken his place ; yet
there was something in store for me,
fwrfherel heard the first words that
gave me a glimmer of a ho|>e for a
hope. It was hut a few words : I re-
mem'oer them well, Imt they sank
deep into my heart. There, a hriet
period afterwards, I was allowed to
feast n[)on the glad tidings of the
gospel of Jeeus Christ. There is no
enchantment about the location, but
I feel like tiie Lord met iwe there.,
and when I am being nourished with
the savory meat of the word tliere, I
feel like he is present, and I could
endure my sufferings for his sake,
without murmur wr complaint, be
burned at the stake or have my limbs
severed from mv body. I believe
now that he could enable me to do
it; but, if he was not present I
should deny him and boldly affirni I
never knew him. And now the time
will soon come when I cannot often>.
if at all, meet with the loved ones of
the dear place. Can I hear the sep
aration? Yes, tiie Lord will enable
me to bear it. Wherever my lot
may be cast be will be there. He
had a purpose in bringing me here, ^
and, a pi/rpose in my going else
where. His wojtl sliall stand. His
designs shall be aix-omplislisd. Thcf
I grope in darkness here, and get on
ly glimpses of the shadow of things,
vet when this mortal body shall havo
put on immortality, I shall have
light, I shall see things as they are.
All hifl (God’s) hidden mysteries will
be made plain to me.
Please bear with me a little long
er: I desire to tell yon what relief
the editorial in the last (January 1st)
Landmauk afforded me. I sjient a
few weeks in the neighborhood of
Free Chapel, a meeting house, wiiere
Elder U. Taylor, (formerly a
Primitive Baptist minister,) preacli-
i?s. I did not attend his meeting,,
hut those who did said he [ireached
the truth; but rny conscience told
me all was not right; and I have no
desire to hear those who, my con
science tells me, are in error or pro
claiming a false doctrine: a lo hcre
and a lo there; for we are command
ed not to bid such God speed, &c.
Though, my friends tell methe scrip
tures say, bear all, I tell them
I do not read it so, but, provm all •
tilings and bold fast that which is
good; besides, I feel like I have
tried to hear ail, and think I have
found tliat which is good, and hope
it wiJl hold fast to me.
I read a copy of minutes of their
(Eidfer Taylor and followers,) Associ-
tioiu I saw the name of a minister
(forni«rly a Primitive Baptist,) whom
[ used to hear preach, and whom,
outsiders made much sport of, which
used to hurt my feelings consideni-
bly. I also saw the name of another
who, hut recently, was a zealous
Primitive B«[>ti»t. His nanje brought