Newspapers / The Wilson Advance (Wilson, … / Feb. 26, 1891, edition 1 / Page 4
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HOW TO . AVOID A COLD. BILL NYE'S ORIGINAL PLAN AND HOW IT WORKED, lag and Outs of the Hotel Business. Breakfast in a Gotham Boarding House Delicately Alluded to by One Who Has Been There. ICJopyright by Edgar "W". Nye. This department regrets to state that it has succeeded in getting itself into trouble. Some months ago a correspond ent wrote to know how he should avoid THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT. taking cold at night while asleep. He was very restless, he said, and' while en gaged in slumber so far forgot : himself as to kick the clothes off. This bad habit resulted in nothing serious, so far as others were concerned, as the young man is a bachelor, and in kicking off the bedclothes is therefore his own worst enemy. The writer of these lines, who as a bachelor was also rather a spirited . slum berer himself, suffered from cold and exposure in the same way, but finally obtained relief by having made to order a large, fleece lined bag, six feet in length, with a puckering string which could be pulled about the neck after he had inserted himself. This worked so successfully that he volunteered the recipe for the use of the correspondent. He adopted the plan, and soon was de lighted to know that he was no longer annoyed by snuffles in the morning, and so health 'and consequent joy sparkled in his eye. All went well until last week, when a low, coarse burglar entered the room of this young man. The moon was just in the act of piercing the tissue of fleecy clouds when a middle aged bur glar, wearing a heavy growth of .bushy, tan colored whiskers, from which one might easily scare a flock of Welsh rab bits, softly raised the window and en tered the room. The regular breathing of Mr." McTige was like the gentle purring of a Mal tese cat-o'-nine-tails, and the burg lar, though alert, had no fears. Soft ly be stepped around from one ob ject of vertuto another, now and , then pausing perhaps to smell a bottle of bou quet d'Alps and put a little pomatum I on nia beard. . All went well till the' burglar, in pick ing up Mr. MeTige's trousers, awkward ly upended the pockets, and with some racket -eighteen cents in money and a bunch of keys fell out on the floor. Then Mr. McTige gave a little start and ex claimed "Oh, mammal" as he saw in the uncertain light a total stranger. Mr. Mc Tige spoke to the man and asked him what he was doing, That made the burg lar mad. No burglar likes to have his motives impugned. So he came up to Mr. McTige, and warmed up the cold muz zle of his weapon in the young man's ear. Pretty soon, though, he saw how Mr. McTige was accoutered, so he put away his revolver, and with a meaning smile he snatched Mr. McTige from his bed, pulled the puckering string considerably tighter and hung the bag up on the gas jet, so that Wellington McTige looked like a large Christmas present. He did not dare to shriek for fear that his sister, who always tied him into his little bag at'night and untied him in the morning, would run to him and get shot. So while the brutal man about town gathered in all the portable bric-a-brac and means in the house, Mr. McTige hung there as helpless as a trussed fowl and looked directly forward. Oh, it was a Bad sight, indeed, and the mental an guish turned one side of his mustache white in the night." He now writes to this department to ask what was our idea in sending out such recipe, and wishes also to know if we stand in with the burglar interests ef the country. It is hard to try to do good, and then meet with this style of reward. We do not claim to supply burglar proof sleeping bags or designs for same, but we try to do right by one and all, and we shall continue to do so even though conttunely and such ; things as that constitute our only reward. ' , . -.'- The following letter comes ,from a lady of veracity and undoubted respect ability. It is written, in a spirited Btyle and appeals to one and all. I give 'it as it is received, with much pleasure. As a rule, general correspondence is more pleasant to give than to receive. So I give it. Will yon explain to mo why the New York hotels are guarding bo carefully against all ap pearances of respectability? Late one evening I found 1 must spend a night in tho city, hav ing missed the train Iin tended to take. I applied for a room at the house. 1 was informed they were -all engaged. I told that lynx eyed clerk that he could furnish me a room or I would spend the night on a gofa that stood there in the hall. He eyed me again in a polite (?) way, and asked me to step on One side while he spoke confidentially with me. There he told me that I .was too respectable looking to stop in this hotel, or worda to this effect. His exact words were: "We cannot give you a room. If you wero with a gentle man it would .be oUiorwiBe." Then I blew that soft voiced clerk very high Into the ev-'en- - ing air. I think he ascended down aain. though, so I wont repeat what 1 said. Novr it seems had i been a vile, unprincipled woman applying with a man admirer for a room all would havo been well. But 1, a lonely woman, unacquainted with New York boarding houses " and despising Now York boarding house break fasts, was j of used, accommodation. What is the motive of this role, and will It be long eciforcod? Indignantly yours. Drop, The rules which are used in running hotels have to be rigidly adhered to, 1 am told, and it is against public morals for unaccompanied ladies to put up at an hotel. . That is the reason why so many men, who are tender hearted and noble in every way, go about late at night sometimes hoping that they may be of use in this way to those who are lonely, and need the name of some great strong man upon whom to lean. I agree .with you, madam, regarding such New York boarding house break fasts as I have been thrown in contact nth; The eggs at a New York board ing house I recall now as peculiarly de pressing and filled with vain regret. These eggs, as I recall them, were notice able for their defective ventilation. They were eggs that had been marked down from the regular price. And yet you cannot well evade the breakfast of the metropolitan boarding house if you are a transient and a wom an. Honestly, I do not think that woman gets a fair shake in this matter. She may be able and willing to go to a first class hotel and eat a good $2 break fast, but as a stranger she is compelled to put up at a plebeian waffle works, and eat in a breakfast room in which t.W is a tired looking bed .lounge. Now a bed lounge in a breakfast room will cast -H mu aTglooET" overbettef victuals tnan we generally find in that neighborhood, and ah, how depressing it is when the hollow chested muffin, leaning on tb etrong arm of the butter, gives a sad cough and seems to appeal, as does also the feeble coffee, for Professor Lymph Koch to come to its aid! New York is a very wicked city, lady. It is said to be next to Cheyenne, Wye, for original and artificial sin. There ifl no place of its size where it is harder for one to live up to "his epitaph than New York. Scarcely a day goes by that some body does not cut up some deviltry here. Even people of undoubted standing com mit indiscretions. It isn't more than a month since a policeman, right here in town, stepped aside from the beaten path; and if a policeman goes astray when every gxl influence is thrown about him, what may we not expeot from the general public? Sin not only of a local and amateur character stalks onr streets at noonday, but the imported wickedness, the handiwork of pauper labor, comes in here dnty free. Sin, with all the advantages of many foster ing and festering centuries, gets off at the barge office here, and begins to com pete with the amateur wickedness , of New York. Eternal vigilance is the price of th umbrella, and also the price of success in the hotel business. It is found that cer tain rules must be established and lived up to in running a hotel or the buaineae will be a failure. That is why I some times have difficulty myself in obtaining 'cue STS without B5ADMITTECr' THE GRAND BLUFF, suitable lodgings. If unaccompanied, especially by baggage, it is often hard work for me to get quarters at all in keeping with my position. - Per that reason we most submit, though often unwillingly, to the ena toms, harsh though they be, and eaa&ent ourselves with the New York boarding house and its extremely eetat. eggs. Overstayed Ills Furlough. A young soldiar had gone to the thea tre with a friend. The play dragged and he fell asleep. An hour later b was awakened by the voice of an actor saying: "We have been here five days." Our infantryman got up in a fright and said to his mend: "Ah, morbleu! and I had only leave to stop out till midnights Le Gaulois. Variety the Spice of Life. ia-oressor i sea, rrauiein, that my remarks on the ancient Romans do not interest you. His Hostees (politely) Oh, yes, Herr Professor go on. Professor (kindly) No, I shall change the subject. Ve will now consider the ancient Greeks. Fliegende Blatter. And the liiy; Jlan Stood No Chanoe. Aunt Rachel Yes, I like him well enough, Jerasha; but how did you ever happen to marry a man a head shorter than you are? Ni6ce I had to choose, auntie,- be tween a little man with a big salary and a big man with a little salary. Chicago lribune. Must Be Done. "Look here, Mr. Scribe, your paper says that my lecture is to be a comic one and it isn't so." "Then, my dear sir," returned the ed itor, "you mnst make it comic. This journal never makes, mistakes. M Har per's Bazar. ? .' Owed Him a V. St. Agedore Old Faugh, great man as ha wa, will never have a statue erected to his memory. Da Mascns Why cot? - "He never had a memory." St. Joseph wews. . . r . -Acting on'a Suggestion. "Do you believe in startinsr a iMrA party?" asked old Mr. Dimmick of Ms daughter's beau, as all three sat in the parlor. "Well," replied the young man, who naa not cfiiled to discuss nolitirs. wouldn't have thought of asking you to retire: but nince von mntfnn it. f Dimmick, I win say that it is the geiv erai belie! tnat two are company.' Harper's Bazar. Pretty Fat Gone. Myrtle He's awfully attentive to her, you Know. Lilly How far has ho crone? Myrtle Very far, I'm afraid. He held her prayer book upside down lit chusch yesterday, and I'm wire I heard him "a woman" inatead of "amenr' New lork ledger.' Domestic Peace. Policeman (excitedly to boy on the rence outaidc) Avhats going on there, Johnny?.; Having a war dance with all the neighbors on the square? Johnny (composedly) Nope. Only mam insistin' on dad spendin' his even- in s at name. w ashmgton Post. .A Wonderful Cure. Carter (calling on friend" Mahk What's that frightful shouting upstairs? Servant That's Mr. Bar W trir Carker Why, I thought he had lost his voice. . Servant H had, sir; but he has just received the doctor's bill. Puck. A -laia Definition. "What is life?" asked the teacher of tneIass in moral ethics. "The absence Of death," .innnnn scholar from tho natural philosophy titt&a, ana n stooa. w ashmgton Star. A iiesiieay lor Seasickness. ..Captain Seasick, eh? Passenger Awfully. Captain Kuow how to avoid it? Passenger (eagerly) How? Captain Sit under; a shade tree. Chicago News- - Wings. She 8bo! Whaffo' yo eall me your tfeietta' ob dem sleeves angel, Sam? H I was Judge. WANTED VENGEANCE. Tb Oon4Mor Ueteaed Alai bat Didn't Catch On. When a conductor on a Chicago sub urban train approached a heavy set, red headed fellow the fellow said, "Look here, yon have already punclsW my tick et twioe." , "Well, bat why do yon give it to me twiceT "Buoanee." the fellow replied, "you eame along and hold out your band, and was tempted to see how often you would punch away my salary , for it takes about aH I make to buy a monthly ticket. Hold on," he added, when the conductor began to move off." "I have discovered that yon axe a robber, and I am going to call you to account. I am going to whip you, sir. ' ' MI reckon, not." said the conductor. "But I reckon I am. I have noticed for several yea a growing disposition on all sides to rob me, and I have made up my saind that I am going to whip every man woo l nasi rare is a KU&eer. I knaw fine yau kav robbed me, asd I d same t nh yen. w art a avtewte. Lest yon think these may be aerse doebt as to my ability to perform ray duty ia th4s matter, let me say that X have three TOi1-Vt presented to me by Afferent box ing asBociaooBS. . What time, will yon be at referrpe?' "I dont know," said the oead-aotor. "Well, bo matter, for I have a day off, and eaa ride with von until the desired opportunity prooonta itself." The conductor, who was evidently disturbed, went into a forward car. When he returned a lew minutes later he dfeeovBfed that the revengeful fellow was gone. . "What beeame of that red headed man? be asked. "He got off at tae last station, " a pas senger pned. By the way, way didn't yon make Mm pay Ms fartf" "Because fee said that I had already poaehed Ms treket twice." "Yes, he said so, bat the truth is you Rd not pnnoh it at aH. He. had no ticket. He lives at Madison Park, and is known as the biggest dead beat in the community." Arkansas Traveler. It worked. "Fanny abont this telephone business, isat iff" remarked a bald headed citizen of the Cass farm as he heard somebody "helloing'' at the back end of the drug store. "In what respectr "Well, in respect to your neighbors. At one time last year I had no less than eight different families using my 'phone to do all their bosfness. They'd oome in night or. day, use it as long as they wanted to and for every purpose, and not one ever laid down the fee charged at a station, although they knew I had to pay $50 per year.". "WeB?" - . "One day X hnag up a card, stating that my 'phone was put in for the use of the neighbors alone, and that's where the funny part mem in. They dropped off like leaves la aotamn. Some one killed my dog, my eat was poisoned and onr Mned girls were frightened off by the stories ef the neighbors, my wife lost callers, my ehnvok pew was hired away from me at a higher price and the boys chalked signs on my barn doors stating that I was the meanest man m Michigan. I have got my "phone yet, but, alas! I have no neighbor who -would lend me enough mustard for a midnight piaster." Detroit Peee Press. SHE DID IT. Brooch to tho Brink of Rata tfce HUm M Han Is Saved. Disaster eame. John W. Hethering ton went home a rained men. His wife, a beanttful woman, met ram at the door.' Instantly she saw that something was wrong; she read trouble and hopeless ness in hte face. "John, dear, is there anything wrong?" He groaned and sank down on a sofa. "John, I know there is ometning wrong. Please teQ me." "Julia," he said, in husky tones, 1am ruined.' "How mined, dearr "Broke. The sheriff called today, and now a cad en the door announces to the world that he has paid his respects to me. My once famous house has fallen, and there is nothing but death left for me." ' "Don't talk that way, John. Remem ber that you still have me." He looked at her reproachfully and groaned. "Oh, yes; I have you," he said after a while, "but what does that amount to when it's money that I need in my bufdnew? I cannot bear to be poor when I have been rich so long. I will kill mysolf." "You shall not. It is money that you need. Come with me." She led him up stairs, smiling as she went, and approaching a bureau opened a drawer and took out a purse. "What have you there?" he asked, hoping, yet fearing to hope, that the purse might contain means for his de livery. "See," she said, opening the purse and exhibiting five pennies and a postage stamp. "Gracious!" he gasped, "where did yon get all that?" "I walked home," she said, "and thus saved my fare." "Noble creature r murmured Hether ington as he pressed her to his heaving d08- ""You have put me on my feet again. To-morrow I will resume busi ness." Arkansas Traveler. A Terrible Vengeance. Mrs. Browning What a pleasant smile there is upon his features? He must have died very happy. Mrs. Johnson You remember the old grudge he bore the Smiths Mrs, Browning And the dear man forgave them? Mrs. Johnson No, he provided in his win that the property next to their resi dence should be used as a home for lost cats. Binghamton Republican. Kewarded at but. ..'!rm catching onr exchamea the am bitious young literary ehap. "Here's one of my poems printed in a New York paper in the column headed 'A Little Nonsense.' "Chicago Tribune. QM. Chollie (singing) How can a leave thee? Ethel (coldly) The front door is.st&l doing business at the old stand. Try that. New York Herald. SHAXEBS, SELECTIONS FROM " THE WRITINGS OF AATEMUS WARD. T3k Prttr CUstt Who "YmfO." avttue Offer of KJaa, ad the Brother-' Who Denofmaed UM-'Baaacbt a a Kan of Btn Pnsoltoitod Adviev2iTn. Ocsiyzlghtad ad priuHshed by-special rrango teant rO d H, nnWngbaun. Hew Yorfc, pub- ltatarJ I n. TEX fTrTiTTOfl, HE Shakers is the strangest religions sex I ever met. Td team tall of 'era and Pd seen Vim, with their broad brim'd hats and long wastid coats; bat Fd never cum into immejit contack with em, and Td sot 'em down as lackin ntelleck, as Pd never seen 'em to my Show leastways, if they com they was disgised in white peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. But in the Spring of IS, I got swamct in the exterior of New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds Bine pityusly, and I was forced to tie rrp with the Shakers. I was toiim threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the fnturj I obsarved the g&UMof a talkr candle. Tiein a txtnK'ff aest to aay off boss's tall to kinder wiontraage Bkn, I'eoon reached Oae piece. I kaockti the door, wikii it was opened nnto me by a tall, slick Jaoed, aolnzn loolrln indisldooaL who tuxu'd out to be a Elder. "Mr. Shaker," sad I, "wa see before you a Babe in the woods, so to speak, and he axea shelter ef you." "Y&y," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house, another Shaker bein sent to pint my bosses and waggin nnderkiver. A solum female, looMn smnwhat Hke last year's beanpole stock into a long meal bag cum ui and axed me was I atharwt and did I hanger? to which I urbanely anserd "a few." She went orf and I endevered to open a oonversashun with the old man. "Elder, I spectT" sed L "Yay," ho said. "Helth's Kood, I reckon?" "Yay.-i "WhatrS the wages of a Elder, when he ondexstans bis bizness or do you de vote your services gratooitas?" "Yay." i "Stormy night, sir." "Yay." "H I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that peoooler kind of wesket you wear, lncloodin trimmtns?" , "Yayf I pawed a mtnit, and then, thinkin Td be faseahns with him and see how that would go, I alapt him on the shoul- der, best lntoaharty larf, and told him that as a payer he had no livin ekaL He jumped upas if Bilin water had bfa squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: "You're a man of sin" lie then w&Drt out. Just then the female in the meal bag stock her bed into the room and statid that refreshments awaited the weary traveler, and I followed her into the next room. I sot down to the tableland the-female in the meal bag poured oat . sum tea. She sed nothin, and for ftveTninntes the only live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, whioh tlckt in a eubdood and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I dermmed to -talk to the female or bust. So sea L-"Maxriage is agin your rules, I bleeve, marm?" "Yay." "The sexes liv atrickly apart, I epect?" MYay." "It's kinder singler,N sez I, pattin on my most sweetest look and speakin in a wianin voice, "that so fair a made as thou never got hitched to some likely taller." "J dant Hke menT she eed, very short. "Wall, I 6hirmoseffl',"theyre a rayther iinportent'parto tho1 popuia- "Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there ras no menP "Yotrl ejteootr mtymivm , but I don-t think that afar would wrfev" 'Tm afraidof menf- hosed. in no digger. Dont fre yoraself on thatpfnt" ,xHere wVre shot out from the sinful workJ. Bare aH is peas. Here we air brother and sisters. Sodcked matri mony here. Would thou tike to be 'a 8haker?" TEfe," sez I, 'tanVt my e' "-." I had now bisted' ln.as . i load of pervishuns as I cpnidcarrY ..v...rortable, aodleaBdaiiback to my. cheer, comnienst piddn. my teeth withUrirk, Tha female went out, laavin me all aten&swtth the clock. I hadnt sot tbaIongvbefore the Ekfar poked his bed in at ! the door. "You're a man of sinr he sed, and greaaed, and went mmscy. rhrectlythar CTxm.inJtwo. yccnsrSbak- eraneavas putty nndfcVWrtrtfC7tfaas I ever met. They comenst ckngtiMnroyhedhes casthvaby glances afcrift;tlie&e. f got excited. I forgot BeteyvJanosin-my zapter, and sez I, "my pretty dears, how abryouJ" ,cWe air well," they soiumly sed. "Whir's the old man?" sedl, in a soft voice. - "Of whom dost thow speak Brother Driahr "I' mean the gay aad festiv cuss who calls me a man of stn. Shouldn't won der if his name was Uriah?" "He has retired." "Wall my pretty dears," sez I, "let's have sum fun. Lefs play puss in the corner. What say?" "Ah-you a-ShAkarsb"?' they axed. "Wall my pretty, dears, I haven't ar raved my proud farm. in. a long weskit y. hut if they was aUTtte yon perhaps rdjme'em. As it is, Tm a Shaker pro tensporary." They -was fall of fan. I seed that at fust, only theyroa. a.leetie skeeryt I tawt 'em Puss in tho corner and sich like plase, and we had a nice time, .keeping priet of coarse so the old man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, "my pretty dears, ear I go 'you hav no objec tions, hav you, to an irmersent kiss at partin?" . "Yay," they sed, and I yatfdL I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd been snoozin half an hour when I was woke np by a noise at tho door. I sot up in bed, leanin on my elbers and rub bin, my eyes, and I saw the follerin pictert The Cider stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in his hand. He hadn't no wearin appaerel on except his Trtghtloee, vAlch fluttered in the breeze. He aed, "Ybtfr a man of sinr then groaned and went away. I JBhrjaOT. .aiidaremnt of WISHING nmran orr wrtn xne prerryUttxe'Teaiiucer esses mounted on my Calif orny Bar.- I was woke np ariy by the Elder. He eed refreshments was reddy for me' down stairs. Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away. As I was goin tlfre w the entry to the room where the witles waa,Xcam across the Elder and the old female Td met t2ie night before, and what d'ye sfiose they was up to? Iluggin and kisgin jLike young lovers in their gjiahuigit-'8tte. Sez I, ' 'My Shaker frends, I reckon ytmld better suspend the rules and git mar ried." . "Yon must excoos Brother UrJahsed the female; "he's subjeck to "fits and hain't got no command over hisselfwhen he's into 'em." - ".QaTritilr " OB7 T "Vira lira tru-it t-Vinf way myself frequent," L "You're a man of sin!" said the -Elder. Arter breakfnst my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear away the dishes. VMy pretty dears," sez I, "shall we yay agin?" VNay," they sed, and Inay'd. The Shakers aed - me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav sarvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on hand, in clean wesMts and meat bags, ranged on the floor like milingtery com panies, the mails on one eide-ofthe room and the females on tother. They com menst clappin t heir hands and sin gin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryjiess in his legs, considerin hi time of life, and as he cum a dubble shufHe near where I sot, I rewarded him with a appro vtn smile and sed: "Hunky boy! Go it, my gay and festiv cuss!" "Your'e a man of sin!" he eed, contin nerin his shufQe. , The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker te say a .few remarks. He sed they was hokexs and all was ekal. They was Ike purest and SeJeckest peple on tfhe y earth. Other pople was sinful as they eocQd be, bat Shakers was all xkiiL Sskers was ftH goin kerslap to .IPromist Land 4aid nobody want going to etand at thegate to bar 'em out, if they did they'd gttYun over. The Shakers then danced and .-sung 'agin, and arter they was threw, one of exa axed me what I thwat cf it. Sez I, "What duz it eiggerfy?" "What?" sez he. ''Why this ampin up and singirj? This long weskit bizmss, and this anty- matrimony idee? My frexrSs, you air neat and tidy. Your lands is flowing with milk and honey.' Your breams 1s fine, and your apple ease is -honest. When a man buys a keg of apple ease f you he don't find a grate many. en&tas wider a few layers of saas a little Game Vm sorry to say sum of my New Bnglan. an cestors used to pranttes. Your gandrog seedis fine, and if I should sow "em on the rock of Gibralfcer probly I should raise-a good mess of gardang eass. Yon air honest in your dmrifis! Yon t&r quiet and don't diatarb nobody. Eor all this I givs you credit. But your religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away your lives here in -singk- retchidness, and-as you air all by jottp- seives nocnin ever conllifrgs witn your pecooler ideas, except when Human Nater busts out among you, as I undes- stan she gnmtimes do. H giv Uriahs aly wink here, which made the old fel low sqnirm like a speaxadei.1 "You wear. long waekits and long faces, and lead a gloomy lifo indeed. No children's prattle is ever heant around harthgtans you .air n a .Araary f og tho vime, and you treaitikfeteuy sun- smne-or me as tner w was.a it'from your doors by them weskits, and meal bags, and pecooler neshfins o; yourn. The gals among you, .earn which air as suck pieces ox eajiknr: ever sot eyes on, air syin to piaee their heds aem weskits winch Cfver tamees. manly harts, while you -old nyds foolyer selves with the idee that -jihey air ful fillin their mishnn here, and, air content ed. Her you air aH pend up by yer sfelvee, talkin about the sms of a world you don't know nothin. of. Meanwhile Bald world continners to resolve round on her own dxeltree onct m every 24 hours, subject to iihe CJonsti tution of the United States, and is a very pleasant place o restdence. It's a unnatraL onreasonable- and dismal Efie your'e leadin hare. So it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a wel come adoo. You have treated me ex ceedin well. Thank you kindly, one and all." "A base exhibit of dejrEay-ed monkeys and onprincipled was works!" saod Uriah. "Hello, Uriah," sez X, '1S& jmostf orgot you. Wall, look oat tcf' wem.ma. of youm, and dont catciSf eow and die ia the flour of yonr yotitaantl beauty." And I resoomed my Jenfty. Young Depew's Ornate Effort. I made a speech in my youth in the Mobawk valley, when I was frisky with aurora' borealis and rainbows. - I was depicting the possibility of the ideal re public under the principles of the party which I loved, and when I concluded an old campaigner, an old timer, an old "spoilsman," stepped np to me and. said: "Chauncey, that speech had more frill than shirt." From a Recent Speech. Artful Hankingon. MrT Hankinson (looking at the clock) I beg your pardon for tarrying so long, Mif-s Quickstep. I did not know it was so late. " Miss Quickstep I shall be glad to have you t-xry a while longer, Mr. Hankinson. Yon are the first young man I have evor met who thought 10 o'clock was late. 'Chicago Tribune. Pleasing Prospect. She Llamma says she knows that when we are married we sha'n't live so like cat and dog as she and papa do. He No, indeed! Your mamma is right. "Yes, she says she is sure ysou'll be easier to manage than papa is." "Oh!" Loudon Tit-Bits. Thrifty Caution. Oddson Why are you always asking mo for a cigarette? Why don't you buy your own? Ends I don't want to get into the (puff, puff) habit of (puff) smoking the darned things, Oudson. Chicago Trib- une. A Great Field. City Parson I have been appointed hiisiionary to the heathen and Chorus of Parishioners You are not goiu; to leave its.-are you? "City Parson No; they told me to stay just whore I was. New York Herald. V. Uo Me Fought With. 'You say you fought all through the war, but I can't find your name on any of the enlistment rolls." 'I know it; I wasn't enlisted. I fought ! with my wife." Busy Bee. Educational Item. Undo Q.?.-rgo And so you go to school now. ny? " What part of the exer- cl.;: - w yet like best? Jointly.; 'i'lio exercises we get at cots. -'Ci'&s Piftinrrs. re- A F-.:.t IlHcovery. . 'Didn't you take mo for better or for worr- "1 took "you for better, and I find that y:.u couldn't have been worse." Lowell Citizen. A REVISED VERSION. Earnhardt's Adipose Suggests a Sew Een - ' ierlng. The intelligence that Bernhardt ia growing stout luis attracted its share of attention, and has suggested probabil ities for the arranger and adapter that should make him glow with satisfaction." Mr. Augustin Daly hasn't had a more brilliant opportunity in years.' The end ing of the play could be fixed up some thing like this: Enter Armand. " Camille Armandl You are come, but It Is too late. Armand Oh, Camille! you most not speak of death. Think of the vista xt hope that the Koch lymph opened for you. . - Camilla Kolas! 1 1 was the lymph that faisait lea affaires. (Society French for "did the busi es.") Let the world remember my sufferings and forget my faults. Armand Camille, but you must live for me. You cannot be on the verge of your demise. Honestly, Camille, you don't look.lt. Camille Little do you know of tho real truth. Listen. Caring nothing for my fate, I became a confirmed victim of the lymph habit. Lok at me. Am I not robust? Ah! I am far from being a consumptive. i Armand murmurs something In-broken En glish that the audience cannot understand.! Camille Here, take this lymph can. It will ' bo a souvenir when I am gone. At this point there are several paths which may be taken by the dramatist. Camille may be made a glittering adver tisement for an anti-fat company, and everybody live happy afterward; she may expire in an apoplectic attacK, mangling the curtains with her teeth and raising dust from the furniture amid great applause. Or she might be allowed to go on with the lymph until she gets to be fat lady in a dime museum, whither Armand in his devotion follows her as the tattooed man. There are an indefinite number of possible! endings, any of whioh might be made effective by a good hand at adapting. Washington Post. ' He Thanked Him. A horse attached to a buggy . came ruamng down Grand River avenue the other day Hckety-cot, and a pedestrian rashod out, seized the trailing lines, a&d after being flung down and dragged tb-ro-"'i t!e insd a hundred feet he brouii t-iia animal to a standstin. Then he led it up to a post, picked up the whip and cushions, and had just got everything shipshape when a fat man, walking very kdsurely and emokiBg a cigar, eame along and took possession. "Bo it was your horse?" asked the mud covered rescuer. "Yes my horse. Got away from my house on Fourth avenue." - "And and" "Oh, I wasn't worried any. I knew that somebody would stop him sooner or later. There's some of that sor t always around, you know I" - - And as he drove off without another word the philanthropist took off his overcoat, gazed at the ruin wrought, and said to the crowd which had collected: "I own right up, gentlemen. I'm from Fooltown by the most direct route!" Detroit Free Press. Too Xate. It was in a crowded Columbus avenue car that the fallowing laconic conversa tion occurred, which caused a brisk laugh, although the gentleman in the case had no intention whatever of being 'funny." Ho got up and offered hia seat to a lady who was standing. ' , ,fDon't rise," said she. "But I have," said he. Boston Times. Naotlcal Blood In lor Veins. ' "You may sit in the stem of the boat and work the tiller, Miss Gaewell," said the young man as he tqek the oars, "if you think you can steer." "I guess that won't be hard to dp," re sponded the proud young heiress. "I have often heard mamma sny she crossed the ocean in the steerage." Chicago Tribune. ' " ' Anchored for Keeps. . Teacher Miss BlitherBome, why dont you rise for yoor recitation? Miss Bollison Please, ma'am, she can't. She's been sitting on her spruce gum. Judge. ' One at a Time Enough. Mr. Macsuitor (to the fair ene's sister) And how old are you, Flossie? . Flossie Oh, that hasn't been decided yet. - "Not decided yet?" "No; ma says itll be time enough when Kate has landed you." Wave. Next Thing to It. "I was very much surprised to that you are not the son of Mr, hear . Bar- rows." ; "No; I was left on his doorstep when I was a baby, and he took me in." "You are a sort of stepson, then?" Harper's Bazar. The Dea Girls. Ethel Clara went to Europe to get married, did she? I'd like to see the man I'd go to Europe to marry. s Maud Without doubt,-or Timbuctoo either, I fancy. New York Herald. Misled. Mr. Jason threw down his paper and ejaculated "Bah!" "What's the matter, Jehiel?" asked his wife. - i "Oh, nothing. I just started to read something here about 'How to Manage Scraps.' It was one of those fool house hold recipes instead of sporting matter, as I had supposed." Indianapolis Jour nal. An Easy One. Newsboy Say, Ben, if you were sit ting in the parlor with your best girl, and her mother came in and commenced wiping off the chairs, what would you think she meant? Ben Thar Why, "dust," of course. Brooklyn Eagle. Trouble -with Bagley. Wool 'Why did Bagley fail in his country paper enterprise? Van Pelt He struck a town where th,e people were all first and second cousins; they knew all the news a week before he could get hold of it. Harper's Bazar. The Stan and the IHe. Chappie What I Don't you remember Cholly? It was he who had the beauti ful dog down at the hotel last summer. - Maud Ah! I remember him now. York What became of the dog? New Herald - ' The Money Safe. . Needy Client If I lose my case I don't see how you are to be paid. Lawyer Oh, don't worry about that, my dear sir. The lawyer .on tlw other side is my partner. New York Weekly. " Defective Vision. , , Anxious Mother As I passed the par lor door last evening I saw Mr. Nice fello's face very, very close to yours. Lovely Daughter Y-e-e, ma, he's ao near BitedJood Kara - So Say We All- The first of the two new lo comotives that have been or dered by the A. & N. C, R. E. has arrived, and the other is expected t be l.ero by rext Friday: The engines are con structed by the Richmond Lo comotive Work9, and certainly tbi3 one does them proud, for it is in very way admirable. It is of powerful build, magnif icent proportions and flitter ing flDish. It is "No. 10," and bears the name of North Caro- lina'rt Governor, "Daniel G- Fowle,'' under whoee adminis tration not only the A. & N. C. K. LI. has flourished a9 never before, but every other State institution. The . penitentiary is on a self -sustaining basis, the asylums and like insti u- tioi'S of the State, are economi cally administered, and this A. & N. C Railroad, whi ih ued to create a regular turor all the year round bv reason of its management, is now as peace ful as a June day and as pros perous as a green bay tree. And it is goiDir to be extended too, with the present management ind the Governor heartily iu favor of it. May it, indeed, go forward. Goldsboro Avrus. Not So Courageous Af er All Mr. Cleveland will not be tbe candidate of the democratic party ia 1892, said one of the leading democrats ot interior New York, at the Hoffman House today, and 1 snr-iilj as a friend ol tn? ex-Preei- dent. The speaker was a man no i a powQr id thi8 city and . an impor tant factor in the dercocratic yol tics of the otate. IWoiH writing tfea5 letter t tbe Cjper Union meetine, said the Ji.veuu.tf- Joorn- al's in Tor in ant, Mr. Cleveland tboroaghly cnavassed tbe matter with his moet intimate advisers and decided that lit would not be able to held his party to'? be tarm ques tion as the all important issue of the next campaign, while liia pnst utterances and present senti ment! on the silver pat him oat of line with his party ou tbe financial question. Long before the PresidatUI con vention of ext year, lis added, yoa may expect to reisd another letter from Mr. Cleveland, with drawing his name from tbe contest. Oa this Mr. Cleveland bad folly deteraainea or he would not have D.eu so radical and nr. politic m his opposition to free silver coinage. New York Journal. Law Abiding Citizens. Some of our citizens af pet- tin? to be law abiding. They have resolved at last to eii- forct the stock law. To show their lawful desire one 01 our citizeus imp unded his neigh bor's ox and demanded 50 cents. Tbe o vner not Laviog sufficient funds with hlin paid 13 cents in cash and pawned hia barlow knife for the bal ance Snow Hill Cor. Kinston Free Press. Cone to a Pretty Eonnd Waste, ot : Courss if stolen kisses are judicially worth $260 a piece in tho Wes tern courts, what would a jfc-od, equare, lapping over aDd lin-gered-on hu come to? Tarbo ro Soot herner. : It is not always perfectly safe to ecothe the bauy with opium prepa rations, but you -can rely tn Dr. Bull's Congh 8yiup. it coutains nothiug injurious. Suld bv ll deal ers for 25 eents. Justice Hill will noc qualify a witness unless he places bis whole hand upon the coart bouje Kible When in the midat m( an oath r ceu ly, he ditseorered that tee w't Dess had but thre fitirft npon the book. He stopped n-Lort eff and bad the entire-band piac (. on the book. Coacord Sraudai d. ;pCtoODkM ALLSKINndBLOOD DISEASES. The Best Household Medicine. Once or twice each year the sys tem needs purging' of the impari ties wbicli dog the blood. From childhood to old a.ge, no remedy meets ail eases with the same cer tainty of good results as BOTANIC BLOOD BALM. W. C McGanhey, Webb City, AA write. ' B. B. B. has done me more good and for tea money than any other blood purifier I ever used. I owe tbe comfort of my life to it." P. A. Shepherd, Norfolk, Va., August 10, 1888, writes : " I depend on B. B. B. for the preservation of my health. . I have bad it in my family now nearly two years, and in all that time have not had to have a doctor.' XW Write for Illustrated Book of Wonders UUJUU OO. Atlanta, 6a. Sent tree. Caveats, and Trads-Marka obtained, and all Fat eat traaliiesf condoctcj for Modcitc Fees. and we can secure patent in leas time than, those Oui Orriev ib Oppositc LI. B. Patent Ornef remote from Washington. Send model, drawing or photo., with descrln- tion. We advise, if patentable or not, free of charge. Oar fee not doe till patent is secured. A Pamphlet, "How to Obtain Patents," with names of actual clients in yonr State, county, ox town, sent free. Address, G.A.SOW&CO. Op. Patcwt office. Washihotosi. d. C WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE GARDEN? If so,raisa PERFECT VEGETABLES witb POVELUS SOLUBLE PHOSPHATES Far GARDENS Which are elsaa and modor ons. Put np ia suttabla qoso. titles for null mJ larf far. dw. No triable t ase. NotaxpsnatT. For sals by trnMrmlMcOTS.DTTiccisua nwinliiiioii An lulia sslna; circular tsllina; how to mtake a good (mrden, Sent Free. W. 8. POWELL & CO. - Oaemleal FertOisar aUra. -; UaJUmere, Jttd , I - Mrt si 11 II I twm " WtmM An Awful Sore Limb Flesh a Mass of Disease. Condition Hopeless. Cored by We 'w i l , Cutleura Remedies wfnl aora leg from my knee down to i Jiif. the akla was entirely gone, and the fieali ttbyt one mau of diaeaae. Soma phyaldana pronooloed It Incurable. It had dlminuked about one tttfr- Uai elze of the Other, and I waa in a hopeleaa condition. After trying all kind of remedkea and a pending bundreda of dollars, front which I sot -no re&af whatever, I waa peranaded to try your Outicura Riudiis, and the reault was aa follows : After three daya I noticed a decided change for the bet ter, and at the end of two months I waa completely curea. ttj uean was punned, ana we Done (which naa oeen ezposea lor over a yearl got aound The flesh began to grow, and to-day, and for It tw. years, my leg is as well aa ever it was, sound la every respect, and not a aura of disease to be see. EXT. S. O. AHKR2T, Dubois, Dodge Co., 0a. Bad Eczema Cured The Ccticuba RBXinns wrought a wonderful cure on me. I was troubled greatly with a severe case of eczema, and after receiving little or no ben efit from the treatment of some of the lead In ' I t: . l t - - . . . 'B peviasiBw juvro, m. pruvurou m set ui wem and be fore they were all used the disease had left me. I recommend the Ccticura Rnxnoica aa the beat and surest cure for all diseases of the skin. W. RKLfiON CHAaOJBRXJLYNE, Concord, Vs. Cuticura Resolvent The new Blood and Skin Purifier, and purest and best of Humor liemcdies, cleanses the blood of &U impurities and poisonous elements, and thus re moves the cause, while Ccticuba, the great tiki a Cure, and Cuticuba Soap, an exquisite Skin Puri fier and Beauufier, clear the akin of every trace of disease. Hence the Cuticura Kxxkduu caru every disease and humor of the skin, soalo. iuuI v i 1 i . i. i i . . . . . ' ri uiuyu, wuu iubs vi uiui-, irom pimples to scrofula. Sold everywhere. Pries. Cctictjxa. fiOe. aaiP 25c; BaaoLVSMT, $1. Prepared by the Pottkh Dbco akd Chxici. Corporation, Bostoa. J-8end for " How to Cure Bkin Diseases" 64 pages, 60 Illustrations, and 100 testimonials. n I MPLK8, black-heads, red, rough, chapped, amd I I 111 oily skin cared by Cuticuka BoAr. UnUf I IV Birv imirni nuu mi PAwrV AUncotr Back Aahe, Kidney Pshas, and Weak. I ness, Boreness, Lameness, Strains, and - -- avuvwu I WH uusvis yj up Cnticnrm AntLPaln V)mtar mw. - first and only ins tan tan eons pala-MUer plaster. WILMINGTON &WELD0H RR AND BRANCHES. OOHSSNSZD SOSZBlTLa. TWAINS GOTOO BOCTH. : 3 7 mh'1" s S Leave Weldon- t ss pm 63sns 1 18 k Ar Rooky Mt-... Ill 1 1t " Ar Tarboio- 3 p a . Lv Tarboro 10 a am ............... ............. Ar Wilson........ 2 jinTN n lilim Lt Wilson. J2 88 ... Ar Belma- 8 40 . Ar FayetteYllo- 8 00 " .. ....... Lt Goldsboro.- 8 16 " 7 46 " sstaaa' Lv Warsaw 4 10 M " Lr Masrnoiu: 4 84 " 8 49 - , t it " Ar Wilmington 4 80" 8 65 " hl38- TRAINS GOINO NOBTH. i 'it Ly. Wilmington 13 01 t m tOOiBlHiii Lv Magnolia 1 81 - 10 84 " 888 - Lv Warsaw 10 48 188 " ArOoldbboro 2 28 " 1145 " 8 88 " Lv Tayettevllle 48 " Ar 8elma 11 68 " ArWilion ...12 18 " Lv Wilson 8 03 a m 12 37 p 7 47 piu Ar Kooky Mt. 110 " 818 " Ar Tarboro..... ... . 2 80 p n Lv Tarbo.-o lo 20 a m I Ar Wldon 4 80 - 2 45 p B 30 p m Dally except unday. Trains on Scotland Nock Branuk Utatd leave Weldon315Hallfax3 87 P Af, arrives land Neck at 463 P M. Greenville 8 00 P M. libim-nta loaves Greenville 7 30 A M, Arriv ing Halifax at 1010 A hi, Weldon 180 p m daily except Sunday. Freifrht U-aves Weldon 10 80 a m Halifax UbH a m Scotland Neck 2 00 p m Arriving; Green ville 6 10 p m Returning leave Grecnvilie Tuesday Thursday and Saturday 9 80 am Boor land Meek 1 00 p tu H alifax 8 35 p m Arriving Weldon 4pm Train leaves Tarboro, N. C, via Albemarle & Raleigh It. II. daily except Bunday. 4 05 P M. Sunday 3 00 P M, arrive Wllllamston, N 0. 80 P M, 4 20 P M. Plymouth 7 50 P. M., 6 M P. M. Heturning leaves Plymouth. N. C., Daily except Sunday. 6 00 A M. Sunday 9 A M. WilliamstOD, !U A M. 8 68 A M. arrive Tarboro.N" anAM.llSOAM. Train on Midland N C Branch leaves Gelds boro, N C. daily except Sunday, 6 00 A M. ar rive Smithfleld, N C. 7 80 A M. Retorfllag leaves Smithnold, N C, 8 00 A M, arrive Goldsboro, N C. 9 80 A M. Train on Nashville Branch leaves Reeky Mount at 3 00 P M. arrives Nashville 8 48 P M. Spring Hope 4 15 P M. Returning leaves Spriag Hope 10 00 AM, Nashville 10 35 AM. arrive Rocky Mount. 11 15 A M, daily excppt Sunday. Train ou Clinton Branch leaves Warsaw far Clinton daily except Sunday at 6 60 P M ad 11 10 AM Returning leaves Clinton at 8 a A M and 3 10 P M. connecting: at Warsaw with Nos. 41. 40, 23 and 71. southbound Train on Wilson FayetWvlUe onnoniino. oa. nonBDOunauna. no. -vmur except 8 unday. Train No. 27 South wlU stop only at Wllsee. Goldsboro and Magnolia. Tram JNo. 78 makes close conneotioe at Wel don for all pointa North dally. All rail via Riohnrond, and daily except Sunday v Bay Line. . AU tittins run solid between Wilmlnrten and Washington, and have 1 oilman Palaee Sleepers attached. JOHN V. DIVINB. Ges'l nt. J. R jv Qn tii bupx. I ranspot anon. T. M. EM N.uei Jon'l Pasaenicer Aaeat. BrilliiBt, fare mi Ferffd LfMi In the World, Goiii In net! with Great Rtfractiag Power. Tbey are as transparent nriti colorless as light Itself. And Tor HoltiK'S8 of endorsnce to the eye cannot bo excelled, enabling the nearer to read for hours without i.f i rrn a I n f a f" x tt a t-A - - - Perfect Sight Peeseetekb. Testimonials from the ladiBg phj8icians in tbe United Stales can be given, who have bad their sight iraprared by their use. ' AU eyes fitted and the tit. guar anteed &! A. W. KOWLaND'S Detjo Stokk Where, an immense assortment of these celebrated glasses can be found and properly adapted to all conditions of tbe eye. These glasses are not applied to peddlers at any price. None genuine unless the name HnAW&ES is me W i l !? O A stin, Te To core Biliousness, Sick Headache, Consti pation, Malaria, Liver ComplainU, take tho safe and certain, remedy, SMITH'S F.?, SIm (401ittle UMnB to tha bottle). THKT All THE MOST CONVBliIHT. Yri9 of cither mim; 8Q. per Bottlj, I.IIIITIiae8J(akmaC-'BILXBKijis.-'ST.L88tS 8M. lost anse jqrqy
The Wilson Advance (Wilson, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Feb. 26, 1891, edition 1
4
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