Newspapers / The Wilson Advance (Wilson, … / March 5, 1891, edition 1 / Page 4
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t - - 3 f ! r t i 1 i i ? " 4 r i 1 it ;t : ! I ' 5 I -: , j; . ? 5 .1 i ; i i Si : ) 1 ; ! -Ml Hi i if ! If 1 1 ; if i r If- BILL NYE AS A FIREMAN. THE PRECARIOUS CONDITION OP , THE VILLAGE OF BILGEWATER. '- William Give a Brief Iiulght Into the , Harrowing Relationship Between the Department and Mr. TeeterUfe as a Volunteer Fireman. ' ' (Copyright by Edear W. Nye. A Tery disastrous fire occurred night More last in the village of Bilgewater, tti Staten Island, destroying valuable moputy belonging to our fellow town 3 JaanTMr. Cicero Teeter, whose summer om j8 at Jimsenhurst-by-the-Sea, acd vao spends the winter here. Mr. Teeter Wongs to one of our best families -fend la Holland, as also do his haughty and high bred horses, each of the latter of which points with pardonable prid,'by peans of his ..well decked and . wind teased tail, to his lineage high. WALKKQ TO TEETER S FIRE. ' . We must, before going any further. fate that the trustees of the village of - SHgewater and three companies of the in Lafldies are not on good terms. The trateeaand these firemen dislike each etfecr very much indeed, and as Mr. fceter Is a trustee it is said that his loss fc moch greater than it would have been ad his name even been Dennis instead ofCScero. The fire companies are all composed of volunteers, and as they pay ices and fines and put out fires at their m expense they feel rather independ ent about where they will show . the most zeaL The trustees have an appropriation which they handle each year according to the dictates of their own consciences, which is supposed to go to the fire de partment, but this year they do not fend it over without the duly receipted bills of the department to "show that the noney has not been misappropriated. This makes the fire laddies hot, for they wn their machines and board them- elves. A fire laddie hates to have his whiskers singed off and his cose frozen so stiff that in blowing it the whole for ward part of the nose may crack and fall off, but still worse he hates on top ef all this to have his motives impugned. The fire laddie suffers, but he never weeps. He says to the trustees of the Tillage of Bilgewater: "We, especially members of Unparalleled Squirt No. 1 have put up with about all we care to stand, and so we shall soon offer our nice red trucks and blue ladders for sale. If you are afraid that we will fool away your appropriation on axle grease for ocr engine or rat poison for our engine koose, and you dare not trust us out of sight, we will pause before we rescue toot abnormally plain hired girl from the blazing rafters of your burning buildings. You have asked us for our ultimatum, and we inclose one herewith which we have never used. It is a nice. bright, new ultimatum, with a snapper en the end of ii Use it carefully and it will last you a long time." Then the trustees appealed to the pa triotism of the fire laddies, saying: "Sure ty you; will not go and sell your bright red trucks and things to a comparative stranger, and then on the Fourth of July have no machine to haul around past the DsAch pond and along the Fingerbowl road. Come, now, boys, don't act that wayr V With this state of affairs, which has keen unchanged for several weeks, it is Bat strange that when the shrill cry of fire - burst forth from the massive throat of Mr. Teeter, at 11:47 on the above night, several volunteer firemen coyly looked out at window and then went back to bed again. "Help! help! I will no one save me?" evied the haughty official as he stepped on a cold, toy rubber ball with his bare foot, and shrieked again till the affright ed sight caught up the refrain, and two raen who were passing by on their way to catch a boat almost stopped to sec what the matter was. . , By this time the .forked flames beeran to lick their chops and reach out for combustible material The fire fiend Soen discovered, for it was but the work of a moment, that the building was fire proof, so there would be nothing to pre- Test not only gutting it but actually ' wiping it from the face of the earth. Bending the hired man (after tipping him) to the nearest drug store to tele phone the fire department, Mr. Teeter began to twist the tail of the fire fiend alone, meantime only pausing long sugh to shriek or take a sip of mince f navonng which stood on the escri tare. " Just then some neighbors came by on TOeir way home from the city where tbey bad held a theatre party conver- imniony.- The ladies were in full dress, ad the full orbed moon came out, took a good square look at them and hastily retwfeii uc.iinc! a large, cooi cloud. geste wore, also, each a bran pneumonia Wnt of full dress, and all remained sev eral moments watching the fire. "Who lives here?" asked one gent who bad taught himself not to.Bhow any emotion. -iinuijc xeeter lives nere," said one rf the party, "but I do not know them. Ws have never called on them, for we easnot reafly find out whether they came are' first or we. "Un, well, then, if you are not ac quainted, let us not fool away any more tune here. Come, Waterloo 1" ... "Waterlooloo, you' mean," ' said bright young lobster dealer who hap pened to be passing by at the time, and who is known as the wag and raccoonter of Toad Hill. xy wus ume me nirea man had re turned and said that the telephone was not working, so the fire department could not be reached. The trustee then went to the engine house personally, and would have got the machine out if he had not been arrested by the police for burglary, the' engine being the private property of Mean Temperature hose company No. 34. . But it was now apparent to a number of all night people that there was a fire near by, and word wasent by the Jersey Street Vestibule Horse Car line to West Brighton that the fire fiend had broken loose m the residence of Trustee Teeter, tne village of Bilgewater, S. L . The trustee having given bail, went home to see what he could do toward saving hia rtome and family. At this moment a hose cart -was heard on Westervelt avenue, running at a high rate of 'speed, and soon the beautifully ciocKea nose of Kecalcitrant Hose Com pany No. 2 hove in Bight, but lost some time by stopping to ask a pedestrian for 11 aiewaoiiara io tray ue ""rmsiui , the company. 1 '' The hcse company soon after arrived, but the engine of course had not yet j reached the disgusting episode, or nolo- J canst rather, l nemo now oeSm nA havoc ami J tae beautum nouse decorations of the trustee's high priced home. First it meanuerea tnrougn ino cellar and used up the winter's kindling wood, baked the Rlioue Island green ings, worms and all, skinned up the hol low trunk of the dumb waiter, made a pass at a fine oil painting of a lobster in . i n i 1 1 JT the dining room by Prang raised a blister on the face of -the 'clock and; scorched one of its little hands, eeemed j to laugh mockingly at tlie aquarium, j cooked a gold lisli or two, and then went j into the pantry and exploded a pie. r" j Anon the crv of re was borne along i the North Shor and one of the Brighton ' whistles blew a. low, sad blast which ; wajled througa the shrinking night like j the dying song of some old master whose ; death is due to painter's colic alter paint ing too large a towri and getting himself overlie t. Now we can hear the pulsing beat of ; the hoofs of those who are coming to , the- rescne frota Totteimlle pulling an( . engine. The f-re has eaten out the whole . - interior of the structure, uavmg guiceu ; the etire boil?, ul wound up by clias-! ins the trustee himself for two squares. As the roof falls in the Wet Spell En- j gine company, or xoitenvme, ami iuu ; Rise - Up - W miain - Kiiey-ana-w)nie- , Along-With-?Ia Hook and Ladder Truck j company, of Eltii.gville, reach the ground and begin to couple cm to the j hydrant, 'meantime emitting the shrill . cry of fire. It is now almost .breakfast ; time," and several pot;te who. have' beeH ! untiringly watching the fire excuse, themselves ana go home, not being more than mere calling acquaintances of. the trustee. - Some delay is experienced m finding j the wrench, 'out at lost H is secured, and a desirable connection made with an eligible hydrant. No sooner i the apnaratns ready than an opprobriouo epithet is hurled at the company by c-r s oi taz rebellious nremen of the village of Bilgewater, hitting him back of th-3 ear, and quicker than ne can ejacuiitv tlia remark "scat" the hose is turned on t.ie rude person and held there till tiif fire has gone out. We as a viil tire of 17.000 jople may learn a valual-lo lesion from the above little incident,. In the first place we must not fool with fire, and in tho sec ond place we must not fool vritk a volun teer fire deuaaent.--- V Iiie tae two: companies, f -r instance, squirt watr at j each other tho i:uiia?e is done, so also: while the oft. '..i an-l tin fireman squab ble the rafeb - i p o;i insurance.- I once bei 'ns.'ed to a volunteer fire I : c-i! with much pleas- j comuanv. as .vtii umi uiuoii i wao- ore the day T ik-s'gned. I never looked j well on par.' ; and my hat was - too heavy severe 'THE - V 1XTEER FIREMAN. out. When 1 ;;'' t to a fire I was all het up and conll'w-t do -anything for quite awhile. Once I w:- fined 5 for not go ing up into a rnrain.iii'ift in the night to rescue a lan e Le:vy girl whom I had never eveu u -it nnd vrho was iu'htr bar feet. A .volunteer fireman has too many so cial strains to stand for the salary he gets. Anoth'r tim I w'a fin -I for not attending a '-Ire because 1 w-as asleep at the time; it cfcn.rrcd. I v.- s vt anarry when 1 learrd that I w.' and for suc.'i a trivial ( fined again. ence, too. I then offered re-ignati want," I said. y. i:!ik-atliv- "M. "Wbatyou . and .-arching '.t. I iun not one scorn, "is a FotKi"':mo of tho'se. - i :l-e.ure- for .your Licking in courage.' licvod ncriVflhig to ucations.'" 1 a!.- fur seeing &. firemen. I -a va but I am not con: your plans an d Once 1 v-'.vs tin yo'ing laoy i hal been !- case, and Lai": common g.-Jh ;.! ' 2 ' L.0 r,.7-y .11 try. ::ri,;'. y t. v 1 V.7 i- tn ifanii firo tpefat!, unt- lort my i'or simply an act of ' r-, I presume, t young lady tanl-it-re the e:ir rnirrht h n-'i!dly if to. a fire,, hat. - A- never could. , :..it lort would leave' a ing in the t:r run over Ikt, but I could i Socially I ;ir tritanpli as a volunteer in-.-i ux:i, no i.ne m tb 1ns tgraions fend hairbreadth "e:iil o::" better at a flre :i I, b'-s't . -'. -i I would get tory of cbnfi.- escapes con!:; men's ball tin smoke ia ir.- '.rid to the vrouH ;;it "he orchard to '. curse me i-i wouldn't, be ; more off me." .the :-,! v it a little .. .nrt me that" way great war : an time vrn before can come and frne me. I v.;.; f.uvnl three times. . There arc on St.-itc-n 1.- an occasion .! ; t- bn the Perth A--and chop a 1. Possibly ' trouble may al be ajain no way but taxpa;.ers the reserv.-' volnnte'eis t Noisek'SK Sp: As it is ii;. young villa;: V-..' !" Cf 'I:l"- lb:- is printed the tt-d in some way, and L-1-. Oth;n'wiae I see few- of the wealthy . ii:.y.Plocb, opposite ferui a company f Ik-i the Damp and upauy of the Kills. 1 Oil V I can poiLit on ; of tin! new a thousand west with 1.500 people- that would easily shaiiie.this wealthy aud jwpnlous town of over ten times the por-huion and a dozen times tlie wealth. .- '.My own e-n-ne.u'e as firenian te:n-iiv-.s inn that we a 'volunteer fn '!;. . i il ',vu rigid refiniro:nent-; That we a volunteer cannot hold t-o the same can a paid department, ana po-ibly the b:-st way out ot.iiie t-.v.no;-: i,. r.iter all, to unite with the U:-U-d Kr.t.-:r, at the same time that Cana: t-o:.' -; hi. Staten ive features meat, fh,hKihs, oil refineries. C i.:;s !!-,:;ny verj- attract e fr tni lier fire depart-r-i. '.'ht blooming cereus, iKbt'ule Hook (and Lad- der company). Sabbath baseball, suicide and summer street railways, -which run when it is not too stormy. All the.-e and many other rsr.sons are urged why we should enter the Union, adding South Beach, the Newport of .Richmond county, to, I've desirable watering places, for stoclc espocially. which the United .. ... ." . - 1 . 1 T - - - , . omies wiuu iaea ciaaa. vvitn a largo cool tunnel open at both ends and con necting us wilh Brooklyn we might be come an linrwrtaut factor of the future great me troirolis. The present United States minister to Staten Island. , of course, i3 a gooi man, but as n citizao and taxpayer, also Veritas and Pro Bono Publico. I would favor annexation. and oo no'. I always got a heaik.c:ie .and then a fire broke a TJ ' ''v::.-;l ; ;; Easy Enough. i A stationer's traveler, having had a run of bad luck in prosecuting business, recejve(j from the "boss" the following tee?ram: If yQU c-ant make expeilgeg, com jme t once, The reply was, "All right. Can make nlentv of expenses, but no sales." Lou- don Tit-Bits. Left. Are vcz the gintleman that wuz to catch the foive-twinry?" "Yes. 'Tic"lar 'pointm'nt. Wouldn't miss't for the world." "Ah. thin, yez may's will rist in pace; it's jidt garni!" Judy. "IayiBg on of Hands." My Wend, the agent of a Buffalo wall paper house, was "taking on" with a j headache in the waiting room of the big j depot in Philadelphia, when a slick . looking stranger about 25 years of age sat down beside us and asked: "Is.the ache mostly over your eyes or teen dollar huntin cased watch round in the back of your head?" j considerable, & as I was drest in my 'fit's all over my head," groaned the ' store clothes & had a lot of sweet scent victim. . 1 ed wagon grease on my hair, I am free Exactly. Proceeds from a nervous state of the system. Ah! your pulse is awav ud. Let me see your tongue. I thoaght so; a cold current of air has chilled the nerves along the spine, and a smashing headache is the result." "Are you a physician?" I asked. nWell, no, not in the ordinary sense. I am called a professor. Some call me a fakir, oven. I effect cures by what is called laying on of hands. You are skeptical, of coupse; but I'll agree to cure jrour friend here in ten minutes or ' forfeit $o0." "For heaven's sake go ahead!" groaned Tom. "If you can cure me in an hour Til give you 10!' We went down into the baggage de partment, where the performance ? wouldn't attract so much attention, and the fellow began passing his hands over Tom's Lead and face, and also rubbing his hands. He hadn t worked a minute betore i om saw no ieu uetter, ana in xea i the lieaaac-ae was entirely gone. i Xow, don't offer to pay me or I shall , h3 offended," he said, as he stopped wci-if, -anu you d oetter sit quiet ngni where j ou are for about ten minutes. ; Close your -eyes, thus, and lean back a : little more, so.". , Me bowed himself out in a graceful way, and had been gone fifteen minutes I when lorn carefully arose, opened his j eyes and suddenly cried out: "Robbed, by thunder!' The fakir got .$90 in cash, a railroad ticket to Washington and a diamond pin worth 123, and' the police haven't nabbed him to this day. New York Sun. . . Very Consoling. "Boy,", said a lady on East Elizabeth street, "have 3-ou seen a little lost dog anvwhsre on the street?"' "A little black and tan?" " "Yes." - "Ye..-, I saw him right down by the allev." "Thanks." "Bat he isn't there now. dog caught him right at chewed him up " A great big the alley and "Ivlercy!" . "And "gulped him right down." "Heavens, no!" . "Yes, lie tlid. I guess he took him for a piece "of beef. You needn't feel so very bad. though. The big dog is down there now, anu lie's pawing and howling and aches ail over. I'll bet 3our dog stuck lii his tiiroat, and that he'U choke to death in k-ss'n half an hour." Detroit Free Press. Too Much Follow. ! A Dstroiter who returned from Buffalo j the other day decided to walk to his I home on Adams avenue. After getting up to Fort street he discovered that hs was being followed by an old woman with a valise. He made two or three turns, and as she continued to follow, and at the same time appeared to be a stranger, to the route, he halted and asked: "Madam, can I assist you?" "Not as I knows of," she replied. "But j ou seemed to ba following me." "Well.- when I got off the train the conductor told me to follow the crowd and I'd be all right, and so , I took after yon. Hope j'ou"ll slack up a little after this, for I" in almost out of breath." De troit Free Press. Inherited. - , Miss Mildmaid Do you know, Miss Haughty, that I think your neighbor the debutante at last evening's reception is destined to shine in society circles. MLs Haughty She ought to. Her father was a. bootblack long enough to insure her inheriting remarkable shining qualities. Boston Courier. Not Visible to the Naked Eye. Cle verton I hope you won't think an old friend 'impertinent, but about how much is j-our income? D.'shaway Well, to tell the truth, old man, I live so far beyond it that it's wtiy o it of sight. Life. -The Road to Fortune. "Yon look prosperous." "I am prosperous." " What line are you in?" " I m a nn f acture a complete assortment ol t-uver antiques. Texas Sif tings. " Ton and I. Johnnie What is an egotist, papa? Papa It; is a person, my son, who tells j'ou about himself those things which j'ou want to tell him about j'oursclf. Washington Star. . Would if He Could. .'Ir-rnn.-in (entering) There is a man ii th-:'v who would like to see you. s.'-hi ---. What kinduf a man? -'ii rnian A blind man. Lowell Cit- !:.':!. London Signs. 1 hero are many curious signs and business annorrsioements to be found in London; auioug the number: "Sick dogs medically attended to by tne wrei; or wonta. Birds to board. Ladies' and gei.tlemen's feet and hands proi'essionally t reated by the job or sea- son. IkOimd. shouldered persons made straight, ttubies or children hired or ex changed. Fak e noses as good as new, and warranted to fit. Black eyes paint ed very neatly." London Tit-Bits. Flies on II rid get. Mrs: Brown Bridget, where is the fly pa'tx-r.-' Bridget Sure, mum, it was athracht-i-ig so man y flois I thought ye wouldn't want it, so . I burned it up. Harvard THE SHOW ON THE KOAD. SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITING? OF ARTEMUS WARD. The Exhibition Meets -with Immcnss Success, bat the Proprietor Falls Into the Clutches of Wicked People Also of a Female Seminary. Copyrighted and published by special arrange ment with Q. W. Dillingham, New York, pub . lisher. . rv. ON THE WING. Gents of the Editorial Corpse: INCE I last rit you I've met witn im mense success a showing my show in varis places, particly at Detroit.""". I put up at Mr. Russel's tav ern, a very good tav ern too, but I am sorry to inform you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge i uuav i Game on me. I brandislied my new six- to confess that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better put my watch in the safe. "Six," sez I, "that watch cost J sixteen dollars! Yes, Sir, every dollar boyt Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the clerk wanted. He wanted that watch himself. - From Detroit I go Weet'ard hoe. On the ears was a he-lookin female, with a green cotton umbreller in one hand and a handful of Reform tracks the other. She eed every woraan should have a Spear. Them as didn't demand their Spears didn't know what was good for them. . "What is my Spear?" she axed, addressing the people in the cars. "Is it to stay at home & darn stockins & be the ser-Zave of a domineerin man? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show my- geif the ekal of man? Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper bgearf' Sayin which the eccentric female whirl- ed her umbreller round several times. & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it. i hav no objecshuns to your gom into the Spear bizness," sez I, "but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril. Don't Spear me agin, if 3'ou please." She sot down, At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sud- den faintness, I called for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage up, a pale faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoul der, & sed, "Look not iipon the. wine when it is redl" Sez I, "this ain't wine. This is Old Rye." "It stingcth like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpentr sed the man. "I guess not," sed I, "when you put sugar into it. That's tha way I allers take mine." 'Have you sons grown up, sir?" the man axed. ; "Wall," I replide, as I put myself-eut-side my beverage, "my 6on Artemus junior is goin on 18." "Ain't you afraid if you set this exam ple b4 him he'll cum to a bad end?" "He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learnin the shoe makin bizness," I replide. s "This is a cold world," sed tho man. "That's so. But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if yon don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled at the feller, because I never take anythin only when I'm on well. I arter wards learned ho was a temperance lect urer, and if he can in juce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the fright ful licker which is retailed round the countrv I shall heartilv reioice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than to nizen 'em to deth bv dejrrees.' At Albion I met with overwhelmin success, lne celebratea Albion r einala Semenary is located here, & there air over 300 young ladies in tlie Institu- shin, pretty enough to eat without sea sonin or sass. Tlie young ladies waa very kind to me, volunteerln to pin my handbills onto the backa of their dresses. It was a sublime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round with a, adver tisement of A. Ward'snparalelel show, xraspicknsly posted onto their dresses. Virtoo is its own reward. A. Warp. THE OCTOROON. It is with no ordenary feelins of Sha- jTin 62 indignashun that I rite j'ou these here lines. Sum of the h.t and most purest feelins whitch acto- tho lmmin hart has bin trampt onto . i - Amer i ¬ can flag has bin outraje " . i i nii.: in a Adder in my Bocwi. The fax- is these here: A few weeks ago I left Baldinsvilla. to go to N. Y. fur to git out my flamin yeller handbills fur the Summer kam pane, & as I was peroosin a noospaper otfthe kara a middel aged man in speck- terkuls kum & sot down beside onto me. He was drest in black close & was ap peerently as fine a man as ever was. "A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway ay. "Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kom- mit mij-self, tho he peered to be as fine a man as there was in the wurld "It is a middlin fine day, Square," I obsarved. Sez he, "How fares the Ship of State in yure regine of cquntry?" Sez I. "We don't; have no ships in our State the kanawl is our best holt." wood f ale me ef I stead try to do it. I shall Btop here a few periods and "enjoy my "Oatem cum dig the. tates," as our skool master observes, in the buzzum of my famerly, & shall then resume the show bisnis, which Tve bin into twenty two (22) years and six (C) months. AMONG THE SrlRTTS. My naburs is mourn harf crazy on tho new-fangled idear about Sperrets. Sper retooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers has settled' here and gone into the Sperret biznis excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. 1 of the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whare upon she attact him with a mop handle and drove him out of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs. Ward is a inva'l erable womun the partner of my govs & the shairer of my sorrers. In my ab sunse she watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye & when I return she welcums me i n af eetionate stile. Trooly it is with us a-s it was with Mr. & Mrs. Incomer, in the Play, to whit, S soles with but a single thawt B harts which beet as 1. - My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretoool Sirele at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east rpora cnocK run mcmoin all tne 01a macros m the viHige & the long hared feller a-lsaid. When I went in I was salootid with here cums the benited man" "hear cums the hory-heded unbeleever" "here cums the skoffer at trooth," etsettery, etsettery. ' . " Sez I, '.'my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your Sperrets." 1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a few remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck & was rnovin on to a Gole. Sum men had big ger intellecka than other men had and they wood git to the Gole the soonerest. Sum men were beests & wood never git into the Gole at all. . Ho sed tho Erth was material but man was immaterial, and-kens waa different from the Erth. The Erth, continnered the speaker, re solves round on its own axeltree once in 24 hours, but as man kairit gut no axeltree he can't resolve. He sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate. branchis of superhuman natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in har monial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized theirselves & turned into reglar sperretuellers. This was versif ferusly applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get along as pleas ant as jjossible, I sung out, "bully for you, old boy." The cumpany then drew round the table and tho Sirclo kommenst to go it They axed mo if there was anybody in the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, I should like to con varse with kirn a few periods. "Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?" set! 1 of the long hared chaps, and thero was tlireo Imox on the table. Sez I, "William, how goe3 it, Old Sweetness?" . "Pretty ruff, old hoss," ho replide. "Air you in tho show bizniz, William?" sed I. He sed ha was. Ho sed he Cz John Bunyan waa travelin with a silo chow in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s Circus. . Ho sed old Bun (meanin Mr. Bunyan.) stired up tho animals & ground,-tho organ while he tended door. Occashunally Mr. Bunj-ail sung a comic song. Tho Circus was doin midlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was delitia the pexilo with his trooly grate ax of hossinanship without saddul or bridal. Sez I,' William, my luvly friend, can' you pay me that 13 dollars you owe me?" He sed no with one of the most tremeu jis knox I ever experiunsed. The Sirele sed ho had gone. "Air you gone, William?"' I axed. "Rayther," ho replide, and I knowd it was no use to pursoo the subjeck furder. ' I then called fur my farther. "How's things, daddy?" "iliddlin, my son, middlin." "Ain't j'ou proud of 3'our orf urn boy?" "Scacely." - " Why not, my parient?" "Becavrz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my son. Bimeby you'll lose all 3" our character for trooth and verrasserty. When I helpt you into the show biznis I told 3Tou to dignerfy that there prof eshun. Litteratoor is low." He also statid that he was doin mid dlin well in the peanut biznis & liked it putty well, tho' tho climit was rather warm. When the Sirclo stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it. Sez I, "My frens, I've bin into tha show biznis now goin on 23 3-ears. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of tho United States which sez in eff eck that every bodj may think just as he darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctriu wirile I think it is a little mixt. Just as soon a3 a man becums a reglar oat out Sperret rapper ho. -leeves orf workia, lets his hare grow all over his fase & comnieusis spungin his livin out of other peple.- He eats all the dick ehunai'ies he otm find & goze round chock full of big words, scarin the wim min folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of evrj' fa merle he en ters. He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all jou say abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say tho reglar perfessional Sperrit rappers them as makes a biznis on it air abowt the most ornery set of cusses T. ever enkountered in mjr life. So saj-in K put on my surtoot and went home. ' Respectfully Y-.Tiv?, . ARTEircs Ward.- Sometimes 1 lie Case. Depositor I thought j'our company was a building and loan association? President So it is, Depositor But I ask for a loan and don't get it. How's that? President you don't understand our plan. Yon loan-' us the money and buihl car-ties m the air. See? Chicago Times. HIS BLOOD PURIFIER. lint tho I!u;.i:'.l Ilaco IiIi!'t YTatit to IJe" mi l s (led Too JIucli A dilapidated loolring old man, who was chewing sassafras root with great energy, suddenlj' appeared in the wait ing room of the Erie depot across the river, and as he approached a man who was waiting for a western rain he pulled a bottle of liquid from an old sacliel in his hand and said: . "j.Iv friend, you are looking yaller r.bo'L l": eyes, which is a sure sign that j'oar blood is iu a bad state. One bottlo of i!)' blood purifier v. ill restore 3'ou to health and vigor." 'Don't want it, sir!"' was the curt reply liglii, loi-crj all right. If a feller wauls about the j hand that's to keep on looking yaller s when a pannj-cea is at his own business. Long 'bout the midvMa of April j-ou'll bo on your back with a spell of bilious fever, but j'ou needn't lay it ux agin me." The next person approached was a se vere looking woman about thirty-five j-ears of age, who was probably an old maid. ' . . "Them yaller streaks at the corner of your month denote a torpid liver, ma'am," said tho man as he gave the bottle a shake. "Suthin' right here to improve vour looks 50 per cent, in two weeks." "Sir!"' she demanded, in icy tones. "Onlj- fifty cents a bottle, ma'am, and made right in my own house, from herbs and roots gathered by my own hand. Just opened the spring campaign, and the price is only fifty cents a bottle." ' ' Go away, sir !"' she commanded 1 oudly. "Don't want any, eh?" "No, sir!" . "All right, madam all right. Torpid liver majr be a good thing to have about the house, but I , don't think so. Here's your pannj'cea, and if j'ou don't want it I can't compel j'ou to buy it." v. The third person was a man with a marked redness of nose and rough spots on his face. He was busy with a news paper when the old man approached and said: "One bottle will cure that nose, or money refunded." ' ' What ! W hat's that?"' demanded the man. "And 'the second bottle will cause jvery rough spot to disappear, though it would be safer for j-ou to take a third. Three bottles for $1.25, or fifty cents for a single bottle. I war" "Looka-here. you old reprobate! What are you driving at?" exclaimed the pa tient as he stood up. ; "I am selling a blood purifier, made of roots and herbs. It's a little pfcrW haps, but! want-to get tnestartprtaie" buckwheat scratches. Are you a drink ing man?" ' . "Do you mean to insult me to my face, sir? Why, I'll punch your bead for a cent!" ' . - -: - "It wouldn't do no good, mister. Here's tlie only genuine blood purifier in -market, and last year I sold 7.000 bottles of it. Invigorates the liver, tones up the blood, and if I can't cure that nose of yours I don't want a cent." "I'll purify you, yon old assassin P shouted the man, and he was peering off his overcoat to do it when the depot po liceman' came up and told the old man he must go out. "And not sell a bottle of my blood purifier in this crowd?" he asked. "Come, out you go!" ' " And j'ou don't want a bottle for your self? You've got a jandice look, and this 'ere stuff will knock the jandice into a cocked hat in just five doses." . He was led out, and told not to re-enter the depot; but he stood at the door and said to the policeman through the glass' window: . ' ' ' "Ail -right, ofucer, all right. If the people don't want my blopd purifier they - needa t have it. It s the season to purif y. but I never go agin the law, and if there's a rampage of bilious fever next spring don't sajr I wasn't ' around with my pan nycea at regular price." New York Son. A BRAVE DEED. H Knew the . Crowd He Had to Deal With. . ";-' . ' M adly fle w the slefgh over the track less prairies. It needed not the lash that the frantic driver was using with :ill hia energy to urge the frightened horses to the top of their speed. The blood curdling howls of the wolves that grew momentarily nearer and nearer lent wings to the panting animals, and they tore along over snowy wastes, every muscle strained to its' utmost, ever jr nerve quivering, their nostrils Tli hi ted, their eyes starting from- their sockets, and long trails of filmy yapor from their steaming bodies following in their wake. ' Comrades," said one of the Tn in tho f ieigh, rising up, pale, but'wiRi iron resolution written in every line ot bis f-- "Hi" wolves are gaining upon us. Lt L'.-y iLtinutes more, unless they are checked, we are all lost. If we had ten minutes we could reach that farm house yonder, but we cannot do it. Thero is oidj- one hope. One of us must sacrifice hinif. If for tho others. Farewell!" ; Before 'they could, stop him he had thrown himself out of the 6leigh and dis appeared. ' - ' un new tlie norses. The sleigh, re lieved cf fas weight of the brave' man who had voluntarily offered himself sacrifice to the bloodthirstyTLnimals to save the lives of his friends, went per ceptibly faster. A few minutes later and they dashed into the yard surround ing the little farm house. They were saved! But liow had it fared with that daunt less, unselfish hero?. -'Will it be believed? .The gaunt, hun gry wolves, diverted from the pursuit of the sleigh, had no sooner surrounded him than they seemed to regard him as a friend. They smelt , of him, fawned upon him with every demonstration of delight, and one of the boldest and fiercest of the whole pack, evidently the" leader, offered him his paw as if to shake hands with him, looked at the sleigh, now too far away to be overtaken, shook his head slowly, turned about and trotted away, followed by all the rest. -The erce bloodthirsty wolves had recog nized in this man a kindred spirit. He was a Kansas City real estate agent. Chicago Tribune. ' Somehow It Did Not Work. . "I don't know whether they dq it ir. tentionallj' or not," thoughtfully re marked young Jack Kanebiter at the club tho other night, "but somehow these newspapers pass around an awful lot of unreliable information." -,. ' "How's that, old chappie?" inquired Freddie Choker, his-running mate. ' "Why, I saw in The Examiner last week that a poor young fellow in Chica go borrowed an umbrella of a bank v.vtici.1.vnf OTifl li Q Tiflrf i o xr 1 1 r i la1 i "Awful lie, that." "Oh! but he did, really. He walked into the bank the verj- next day and re turned it. The president was so much astonished that he called the young man back and made him his cashier, at thumping salary." ' "Because he was so extra honest, ehl" "Exactlj'. Well, you see, I thought It was a big scheme, and that Td work the same racket before the other boys got on to it. "Boss idea." - , "So I rushed around to the Nevada bank and asked old Hellman to loan me an umbrella, l neard there was going to be a directors meeting the next day. and I intended to return the umbrella right in the midst of it, so as to paralyze the entire outfit; see?" "What did old Moneybags say?" V.YVhy, ne said tnat it aia not iooK a bit like rain. 'I know my business,' said I. 'Just you produce your gingham.' So he told a clerk to let me .have an old one and take $5 for security at regular hank interest." "Great Scott!" "But that' wasn't the worst' of -it. When I looked at the umbrella 111 be hanged if it wasn't one that Hellman had borro wed from me himself down at L03 Angeles during the boom." And they both lit a fresh cigarette and mused sadly over the. utter unreliabiUty of a sensational press. San Francisco Examiner. lie Wanted Something Recent. Countrj man (in book store) My wife wanted me to get her some magazines to read. .- " . ' Proprietor Yes, sir; how would The Century Magazine do? Countryman Gosh, no! She wants monthly magazine. Texas Siftings. A Queer Fellow. Miss Smilax Mr. Nicely has just been paving me some very handsome compli ments. Cutting Oh, yes; he s a very queer fellow; j ou never can tell what he's go- big to do. Boston Courier. - A Terrible Suggestion. Wife (tearfully) rve lost dear' little Fido, John! I've tried the Dogs' home, but he is not there. - Husband (brutallyHave you tried the sausage manufacturer's? London Tit-Bits. - . ' . Enterprise Thwarted. Agent When yon get it done let me give J-ou my rates. My company will give j-ou the lowest figures in fire insur ance. Farmer Wa-al, you" can insure it ef yer want ter, but I guess it won't burn up very soon. We're a-diggin' a well. Judge. His Highest Ambition. Visitor-Are you going to be a great man when you grow up, Willie? nn WilliA? 1 Willie You bet! I'm going to be an arctic explorer. "An arctic axplorer's life is full of hardships, Willie." "Yes'm. But I can stand "'em, I reckon." 'I like youT 3pirit, my boy. There is a great deal of glory to be gained in a career of that kind." " 'Yes'm. And you don't never have td wash your face." Chicago Tribune. Equal to the Occasion. Ex-Pounder Why did the wise king tell the sluggard to go to the ant? Little Willie 'Cos be had been to bis uncle so many times that he was onto him. r Once a Week. , He Had a Dream. A negro had gone to sleep in the sun on the platform of a railway station in South Carolina, and some of the boys put up a job to have Borne fun with him. A bag of shelled corn was laid across his knees, a second on his stomach and a third on his head. As the weight didn't waken him, another bag was placed on his stomach, making about 370 pounds resting there. He snored away for three minutes, grew uneasy, began to mutter, and at the end of five threw the sacks off and sat up and looked around in a dazed way. "Anything wrong. Bubo?" asked one of the jokers. "Fo' de Lawd, sah, but Pze had de worstest dream dat I eber drempt! I'ze all in cold blood!" "What was itT ' "Drempt dat I had sich-a sore froat I couldn't swaller, an' de de woman brought hum two chickens, some yams an' a possum, an' dun cooked an' eat de hull outfit wid me sittin' right dar an not able to open my mouil Jbawd save me, but didn't I - suffer when I saw de las' of dem chickens gwine down her old froat V Detroit Free Press. All Went Oat. Prospective Beau Hullo, Bobby; your sister in? Bobby Nope. -P. B. Your ma? . s Bobby Nope. P. B. Your pa? Bobby Nope. They all went out and left me alone- with the fire, but that's gone out too. P. B. (sarcastically) Ah, yes; I thought I saw the fire escape through the window 84 I. entered. Brooklyn Eagle. Good Taste. "How did you like my friend Stnbbina that I brought around with me the other evening?" said Billy Blivens. "Oh, very well," replied the hostess. "He seemed to be a man of good breed ing." . "I should say so," said Billy, emphat ically. - "He owns one of the finest racing sta-blea in the -country." Washington P'Mt. ' When Father Carves the Dock. We aU look on with anxioos eyes When father earvee the duck. And mother almost always sighs When father carves the duck; v Then all of as prepare to rise. And hold our bibs before oar eyes. And be prepared for some surprise When father carves the duck. He braces up and grabs a fork Whene'er he carves a duck. And wont allow a soul to talk Until he's carved the duok. The fork is Jabbed into the side. Across the breast the knife he slides. While every careful person hides From flying chips of dock. The platter's always snre to slip . When father carves a dnck, ' And how tt makes the dishes skipl Potatoes .fly amnckl . . The squash and cabbage leap in space. We gtt some gravy h onr face, -And father matters Hindoo grace Whene'er be carves a dock. We then have learned to walk around The dining room and pluck From off the window sills and walla Oar share of father's dock. 'While father growls and blows and Jaw. And swears the knife was fall of fljuwa. And mother jeers at him because lie couldnt carve a dnck. -E. V. Wrfght In Boston Transcrtyt, EfifflarkaMt Scent In Court One of the most remarkable scenes that was eTtr witnessed In a court of law is reported as having occurred at Winston last week. A remarkably beautiful, at tractive ana intelligent young girl was trie d in the Superior Court of Forsyth, his bouor Judge Jno. Cray Bynum pre siding, for infanticide and the jury returned a verdict of guil ty. On hearing the verdict the poor girl was overcome by the awfulm sa of her fate and her pitious appeals for mercy were so touching and ' )srt runn ing, that every person in the court room wept, and the Judge, bathed in tears, declar ed that he could not pass sen tence upon her, but appended judgment and ordered the sher iff to release her Raleigh Evening Capital. "The quality of mercy is not strained'' by such a human, Judge and we suspect a great many of us would have done likewise, saying in the lan guage of the Great Teacher: Go thy way and sin no more." A. Strange, Esq, Lynchburg, Va . writes I use Dr. BulPs (!ongh Syr up regularly for a tickling cough at night. It gives relief and pats me to sleep. It is much used here. Price 25cents. Adam mignt bare been the bpst man of men since boru but it does not appear that be ever did any enp clal good for his family. What a blessing he migbt have left bes bind, It be could bare wade Salva tian Oil ai d I H pain. ' Ho Will Bo .The Best. Pi'ess our "dollar propor tion" Raleigh Christian Advo cate. The best mediaal authorities say: proper way to treat caUrib is to t tke a constitutional teuitdj, like flood's Sarsaparilia, RflRYt 11111- Nil I Ml flRF wnw B ? will, vwkiw VWIIk Tried Everything without Relief. No Best Night or Day. Cured by Cutlcura Remedies. 1 ' My baby, when two monuid hm.m t.,tin. ont with what the doctor called Km,. n hoH arms, feet, and bands were each one solid sore, f tried everything, but neither the doctors nor any- ujmgeiseaia ner any good. We could pet no rect day Or night wiOj her. In mw extremity I tried the Cu. TICCBA Remedies, but I confess I had no faith in them, for I had never seen them tried. To mv treat L surprise, in one week's W timA ftftA1tulHnnnni..n - - - iiruro theCuncCRA Rexkdibs, the sores were well, but I continued to use the Re solvent for a little while, and now she ia as fat a baby as you would lik t see, and as sound as S dollar. I believe my baby would have died if I had not tried CirrictriiA Rkm imis. I write this that every mother with a bahv like mine can feel confident that thero is a medic-inn that will cure the wost eczema, and that medioine is Ule tTJTICTJRA KsmcDrES. Mas. BKTTUE BIRKXER, Locthart, Texas-" Cutlcura Remedies Cure every humor of the skin and scalp of infancy and childhood, whether torturine, disfiguring, itch ing, DurniDg, scajy, crnsiea, pimply, or blotchy, with- loss of hair, and every impurity of tho blood, whether simple, scrofulous, or hereditary, when the best physicians and all other remeulee fju. Parents, save your children years of mental -and physical suffering. Begin now. Cures made in childhood are permanent. utmcuBA Kkkkdixs are the greatest skin enres, blood purifiers, and humor remedies of modern times, are aDsointeiy pure, and may be used on the youngest infant with the most gratifying success: Bold everywhere. Price. Coticpra. 50c J5c.; Risolvbnt, $1. Prepared by the I'otteb VBua Asa UHIxirAi, corporation, Boston. 49 Bend for "How to Cure Skin Incases." fU pages, 60 illustrations, and 100 testimonials. mPLES, black-heads, chappsd and oily skin cured by Ccticura Mzdicated Boap. W FREE FROM RHEUMATISM In one mlnnte the rnMcnm Anti-Fain Plaster relieves rheu- kmatic, sciatic, Lip, ki.liu-y, chest, and muscular nains and weakneAap.. Tim first and only instantaneous pain-killing plaster. WILMINGTON &WELD0IRR AND BRANCHES. . i , CONDENSED SCHEDULE. TKAINS GOING SOUTH. . - , ' , K . CO t- 08 S. . IATHD N '- WS May litn. 1890. c c'' 6-bc , - fc0 ss-ag Leave Weldon.. i so p m 5 43 p m 6 00 a m Ar Rocky Mt... 1 46 " 7 10 " Ar Tarboio- 2 36 p m ...... Lv Tarboro ... 10 20 a m- Ar Wilson . 2 p m 7 W p ni 7 4 i a ni Lt Wilson J2 30 " Ar 8elma 3 40 " Ar Fayettevilo.. 6 00 " , Lv Goldsboro.... 3 16 " 7 40 " ss'Sair. Lv Warsaw. 4 10 " 84 Lv Mafrnolia 4 24 " 8 4-i - , P 49 Ar WilminBton 5 50 " j 55 " n-M - tkatns ar.Ta NOllTH. . ' ! i ( c X 55- . j try. Wilmington 1201 a mi Lv Magnolia 1 21 " Lv Warsaw ..... ArOoldsboro-... i 23 " ; Lv ayetteville J Ar Selran Ar Wii'on , Lv Wilson a 03 a vt ArKocky Mt j Ar Tarboro....... ; Lv Taruo.-o Ar Weldon 4 30 i) Kl a ii 4 00 p ni 10 H " ft .W " ;il 45 " M ;8 40 ", j.. 11 U) " i ;i2 iu . p m l lo Ii i ;8 3d p m .... hi 20 a m ... 2 45 pra 930 pm Daily excepi unday. Trains on Scotland Neck UraiK-., .Mid leave Weldon 3 15 Halifax 3 37 P Jl, iirrtvi s Scot land Keck at 452 P M. Greenville ti 00 P M. Uetumin leaves Greenville 7 20 a M. Arriv ing Halifax at 1010 A M, Weldon 13u p m daily except Sunday. on Monday Wednesday mid rr.nay lcai Freight leaves Weldon 10 30 a in Halifax 1180- a m Scotland Neck 2- 0i p m A rrivintr (ireen- villeolU p m Keturning liae ureenvnio Tuesday Thursday and Saturday 0 30 am teii land neck 1 uOp m Halifax 3 35pui Arming weldon 4pm Train leaves Tarboro, W. U., v.a Ainemnrie & Kaleigh It. It. daily except Sunday. 4 05 V M. Sunday 3 0" I M. arrive Willlaniston, JN 6 30 P M, 4 2ii P M. Plymouth 7 50 P. M-. 5 '20 P. Si. Keturning leaves Plymoutn, . t-. Daily except Sunday. 00 A M.Sunday v 00 A M. WHIiamston, 7 10 A M. 8 58 A M, arrive Tarboro. N " i A M.U 20 AM. Train on Midland N C Branch leaves Ooldg- boro, N t daily excej)t Sunday ,-i(N) A M. ar rive Smithneld. N C. 7 30 A M. Heturningr leaves Smithneld, NO. 8 00 A M, arrive Goldsboro, N C, 9 3C AM. Train on Nashville Branch leaves Keny Mount at 3 00 P M, arrives Nashville 3 40 Y M, Spring Hope4 15 P M. Keturning leaves Sprintr Hope 10 On AM, Nashville 10 35 A M, arrive Kocky Mount, 1115 A M, daily eneept sutiflay. Train oauiinton Uranch leaves x ars.iw. ior Clinton daily except Sunday at 6 M V M and 1110 AM Keturning leaves t 'imioj at s a A M and 3 10 P M,4 connecting at Warsaw with Nob. 41. 40, 23 and 78. Southbound Train on Wilson & i -ajetteviiio Branch is No. 51. Northbound is No. 50. Haily except Sunday. Train wo. 27 soutn win stop oniy at uson. Goldsboro and Magnolia. Train No. 78 makes close conneciion ai ei-. don for all points North daily'. Ail rail via Klchrrond, and daily except Sunday v nay use. AU t.-ains run solid betwe n Wilminiftpn and Washington, and have I ullmau l'alace Sleepers attached. ' JOHN-F. DIVINE flen'lHupt. J. R. KENLV, iSupt. Transpji anon. T. L EMEitSCN.Gen,l Passenger Agent. Krilhaat. fore acd ffrfid In the World Combined with Great lft (r';tin 4 Powir. They are as tianspaienl nd ct!orle88 as light, itself. And for tfoltiieKs of endurance to the eyo. canuot be excellec, enabling the weaier to read for hcurn witbont latigue. In fact, tbey are Perfect Sight Treserveks. Tes'imoniala liotij tbe 'ading physicians iu the United States can be given, ho bare hud iLeir sight imprDved by their use. All eyes fitted uud. the tit guar anteed a 1 A. W. KowiuN ds Dei o Stoke Where i an immense a-oitinfnt of these celebrated ia.-ses, can te found and properly adapted to all conditions of the ee. These, g'sses aie not applinl to peddlers at any price. None genuine unless tic naine Hqawkes i ' .me W I 1 )4' . C A stin.Te To core Biliousness, Sick HeadArhe, Consti nation. Malaria. Liver Complainnvlak0 the safe and certsin remedy, SMITK'S 33 Fae the hflALL Kise v i : : !e P.eans to tho bottle). THEY ARB THE MOb. CONVEKIKNT. Suitable tor 11 1 Vrle of either wize, gget.--- itottle. flSa3SB"7.!7407A ft a I W W lliyilalMIarlcta.. -orl" or Uul i. f .SMITH . O.Mter.ofUlLt BKA.3,-ST. 10U15 MO. 4 5. n t i t 1 a cr 1 ci 11 at si t 9 ci r t af t t 1 t 1 ( 1 ! t 1 1 1 e' J
The Wilson Advance (Wilson, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
March 5, 1891, edition 1
4
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