Newspapers / Roanoke News (Weldon, N.C.) / Nov. 19, 1891, edition 1 / Page 3
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THE ROANOKE NEWS, THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1891. THE HUMORISTS. ;,ITIL NONSENSE NOW AND THEN IS RELISHED BY THE WISEST MEN. Author I have just completed a story : 300,000 words. His friend How is that Vwto are but 150,000 words in the lan - see. Author Ah, but this is a dialect ' ry. Simnierson (over a bottle of Mumm's -The best of Uncle Dick's legacy, old .4, is that it will give me a chance to Europe. Rambo I thought you went abroad farce vears aco? ; Simmerson Yes, but that was a hon cjmoon tour. 1 I "I sav. Benedict, can't you help me Mil on this? In trying to describe my ieroine'g dress I've put a strip ot tur on be bottom of her dress, and I don't know iitli in Klavoa tat (b11 it. I Benedict "Call it? By Jove, should ihink that was easy enough. Why, lur i&elow, of course. 1 Mrs. Gatham I see that a new law i Georgia prohibiU the selling of liquor iithiu three miles of a church or a school ouse. Col. Kaintuck, of Louisville My ' . i i 1 1 i- r ifr That's a temDie mow 10 ueur gia. I Mrs. Gotham Think so? t Col. Kaintuck Mercy, yes. In five years there won't be a church or school house left in the state, i . 1 Cashlet There now that I hare given that poor woman a quarter I ought to have luck. I Flashly Don't follow, my dear man; .nothing to do with it. I Cashlet-Whv? 1 Flashlv I went to the races one day land cave a blind man standing at the gate a quarter for luck. Lost every cent l had. When I came out I tried to bor- I row a quarter of the blind man, but he couldn't see it. V An ordinary thunderstorm is said trav- I el at the rate of thirty miles an hour. Of cnuree, that is the plain, ordinary thunderstorm that merely goes loafing nlntxr f..r rhn nnrnose of sourinn milk and eonimittini; minor depredations. The thunderstorm designed especially to catch you in your full suit and silk bat swoops along at a much faster speed. Mrs. Jocelvn Don't you miss your luwVinnil verv much, now that he 18 awav? Mrs. Golishtly O, not at all. You see he left me plenty of money, and at breakfast I just stand a newspaper up in fron of his plate, and half the time forget he really isn't there. V "The teacher wanted to box my ears this morning," remarked John Fiale tOD. "How do you know that ho wanted to box vour ears?" askod his mother "If he hadu't wanted to box my ears he wouldn't have done it, would he, eh?" Hicks Grigson, they tell me, spent the summer at his new place in your town. How did he get on there? Wicks 0. fairly well; he loaned his lawn-mower to everybody who came alons. That was Gentlemanly, I allow; but a man can't expect to become a popu lar character who will keep his mower so confoundedly dull as Grigson does. "Mrs. Upholsterer, I would like to buy a nico reception chair. Something new." "We have just the thing madam Here it is. Made especially for our trade. Take a scat on it." "Dear me! Why this chair is awful. I couldn't sit on it five minutes. I never sat on suoh an uncomfortable thing in my lite ti idea That is just the You see it is made for callers." Kiaot.lv, madam. Aiimistiis Dense I understand that a barber insulted Senator PefFer by throw ing a whisk broom at him through his window. Cholly Smarteigh Then what is the difference between Senator Peffer mak' ing a speech and Senator Peffer insult ed? A. D. (coldly) Aw, don't know. 0. S. Whv. in one case the wind blew through his whiskers, and fn the other the whisk blew through his win dow. WANTED A FAVOR. A traveller for a New York dry goods house in the smoking car of a train on an Ohio railroad when a horny-handed young farmer came in for a smoke and sat down beside him. Tho young man felt and looked happy, and pretty soon he rematked: "I heard some one saying you was from New York." "Yes." "Drummer, ain't you?" "Yes." "Bin, around a good deal, I 'spose?" "Well, I've been travelling for fitteen vears, "Shoo! You must have seen a heap. Say! I've got a sort of favor to ask of you "Well?" "I'm encaged to a gal in the next oar. I'm coin' with her down to Medina. She's the all-uredest purtiest gal in four counties, and I know she lpves me, but" "But what?' "You know a feller is alius sort o' un easy about his gal 'till he marries her. She pretends that she wouldn't even look at the President of the United States if he was a single man, but I dunno. You can't be sure of these women." "No. you can't." "May be purtending to love you like a house afire, and yet be plannin' to drop you fer the first better-lookm feller who comes along. She's in the next car and I'd kinder like te try her. . I'm purty sure she's all right, but I'd like to know jest how she'd act if you went in and sat down beside her. I know it a askin a bie favor of you, but " "Oh, I'm perfectly willing to accom modate you," interrupted the traveller, "but you must promise to abide the uon sequences "How?" "Why, if she seems to take to me you mustn't get mad and raise a row. I am only trying to accommodate you, you know. "D'ye think she'll take to you?" "Why, I can't say. She's sitting in a seat alone. 1 II take my grip and walk into the car and sit right down beside her." "Yes." "Then I'll speak about the weather the scenery ask where she is going, and soon, and the chances are that in about ten minutes we'll be tulkiug away like two old friends. "Humph! It took me three months afore I dared ask if her ma was well! '-Then I'll gradually lead up to the subject of my being a widower, contin ued the traveller. "1 11 remark how lonely I am; and how I am thinking of marrying again, and how my second wile ill have a seaskin saque, diamond ear rings, and a horse and carriage. If you come in and find me holding her hand you mustn't fly mad and pitch into me." Goin to talk sealskin sacque to her, eh?' Yes." "And diamond earrings?" "Yes." "And tell her she can have regular Brussels carpet, stuff chairs and a hired gal?" "Certainly." "You wait a minit!" He trot up and left the car. Just then the whistle blew for a station and the train soon stopped. The traveller looked out of the window and and saw the young man and his girl getting off with as muob as if there had Leen a collision expected tie put out his head and called "This isn't Medina; what are you get ting off here for? "I know it hain't Medina," replied tho voudu man as he came forward a tew steps, "but we will stop off here and take the next train." "But I thought you waoted me to do you a favor." "I do. You jest keep right on that traiu and git out of the State of Ohio as soon as you can, and if I ever ketch you within fifty miles of my house after 1 in married I'll thump you all over the coun ty!" NEW ADVERTISEENTS. . .1 f I Stores, Dwellings and other buildings insured in the best companies against loss by fire. LOSSES -:- BY -:- FIRE -:- PROMPTLY -:- PAID. LOSSES -:- BY -:- FIRE -:- PROMPTLY -:- PAID. Rates Low. Rates Low. -o Rates Low. Rates Low. mmmmmmmnnimmim O-mmmmmmmmmmmmmm- GINS A SPECIALTY. -mmmmmammmmrammraOmnioitnaiBimmminminmui- Low rates in the Standard Companies given on STEAM, WATER and HORSE POWER GINS. For further Particulars Apply to THE iMffi HEWS OFFICE. 0 0 Eswi5T. CLARK, r m olart to te.tifv that I used Pastor Kw ai' Nerve Toulo with the beat sujoob lor llMploisuen, and believe that It Is a leall ireai relief for .uttering tauuiauity. I iBANK, Paswr, Keylertoa, P. 0., Pa. V WiLDOCK. Mo., Oct. 14, 90. About five yeum ago 1 became atfeoUxl, throuKl. .loe-nive sruokiuii, with a nervous Slouiiu rouble (dysjKjp.laj. My health broke do. l mpletoly, I lost my appeUW, aud iu oou.e mence became very weak ; 1 oould not sle.-p at tu aud nervous uffering and .yniptom. were niiuuicrable. Four dootorl, all known dynpup ia reuiedio. and also eleotrioily afforded me no vliof Asa ln..t reort,juat a year ago, I or lered loine ot Pastor Koenig Nerve Ionic. The suoond doe rolieved my pain., and after lalns only a lew bottle. I am .niiroly ourwi. I sertifytbit Pastor Koenig'. Neive Toino uiu proven not only a Kreai aud beneficent remedy .,utal.o entity Armless. 0HrH n aa A Valuable Hook .n Meryoui r H i I ud vT """ 0,n, If0 obulD Thi. ramedvhoa been jrepared by the Reverend Ptor kSSS. Port .Alnd, .inc. Wlaui l.now prepared und.rhi. direction by the KOENIG MED. CO.. Chicago, III. Sold by DntwrUt. at 1 per Bottle. C for 90 Lari.sl.e.Sl.75. 0 Bottle, for 99. au(? 20 ly B. 0. BUBTON, JB., 0 KWD. L. TBATI8. BURTON AND TRAVIS, MTTORNETS AND COUNSELLORS T UW, HALIFAX, N.C. tli rrmnties of Halifax and xt i,.,,t,,. nml in ihn Snnreme and Federal courts. Claims collected in all parts of North Carolina. ang 14 lj. WELDON. N. C. Ilucklleu'i Arnica Save. The Best Salve in the world for Cut. Bruises. Sores.Ulcers, Salt Rheum.Fever Soies,Tetter, Chapped hands, Chilblains Corns.and all skin cruptions.and positive ly cures Piles, or no pay required. It is guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction, or money refunded. Price 25 cents per box. For sale by druggists at Weldon, Brown .bCarraway. Halifax, Dr. J A MoGwigan, KotiflM; W. M. Cohen, Weldoo. f! n man uS?n rmir wif finrlftrl tnnlr fliMlnnia ot trmiv lw.u.1 tit. I a; lift TTnltt ( Ebeneier?" Uncle Ebenezer "No, sab; vc Prv.v n (lalinn, eah." The coutso nf true love may never run smo iili but that fact does prevent the loves from striking a gate now and then. CSSSam Mffi W SOUTH SYCAMORE STRLE1, PETERSBURG, VA. MonunenU, Headstones, Tomba,' Tablets, io. Lowest cauh prices guaranteed. All nrnrb wurrantml satisfactory. beautiful calendar for 1S8S) sent to any address on receipt of stamp for postage. CHARLES M. WALSH, oct 11 ly. rp HOSE desiring to purchase or sell property in the town of Weldon, will Jr. -nil tn una nf corresoond with me. I have been surveying the lands in and around Weldon at anou times tor me past ten yean and hence I know some thing of the Talue of these lota. PROFESSIONAL CARDS. L IQUORSAND GROCBWES KDWAltD T. CLARK. . "A!"K. weldon, h.u. i.iiut,.v. OFFItl or CLARK -:- AND -:- DANIEL, ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW. WELDON AND LITTLETON. t)mi.i;(i.i, wlirovcr thnir Bervices are X ' B.-l'V:' , . .. - needed. One ot the firm will attend at Halifax every Monday. imiSM.lirlLIN, WAI.TKE I. DAHIKL . m tv a T W T UiiLAtl U A il 1 Ai, M ATTORNEYS AT LAW, Wki.don, N. C. . ..... . .i nf uUtmv m-nAKnrihumTt rraciioe in wiotuhvi ......... ........... j ton aud In the Supreme and federal courts. Col lecttonsmaae in .iiparwui n .. i. r.. n.iifuv m rv. nnen everv Mon nav. Jn ' I have a comple stock of Family Gro ceries of all kinds which I will sell ehep for Cash. i I have also on hand and am constant ly receiving a large variety of LIQUOBS. Such as whisky, brandy, wine, beet, ale, porter, carbonated waters, &o. IIQUORS. .0. SMITH. SEE HIS LIQUORS, SEE I1IS CIGARS, Wiae,Beer,Soda, rpHOMAB N. HILL, L Attorney at Law, HALIFAX, N.C. Practice. In Halifax and adjoining counties aad federal aad Supreme oonrta. EVERY DRINK IN SEASON. ksh Smitn Rrirlc Buildiner. on North Corner of Railroad Shed, Weldon, N oet lb' ly. SURGEON DENTIST. Can be foand at his office in Enfield. Pur Vitrnn. Oxide Gas for the Painlc Extracting of Teeth always en haad. fob in 1 y. Call and see me on Washington Ave nue at the JfiaTold stand of R. W. Daniel. W.D.SMITH.- oot 18 ly This - Space - be longs to the Weldos -iRacbt J. W. HARRIS, D. D. S. LlTTLETOV, N. C. Teetn Extracted wiihuut pain. 4 30 6m. STORE. H. C. SPIERS, liiiiii
Roanoke News (Weldon, N.C.)
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Nov. 19, 1891, edition 1
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