The Hot MAne
Dial A“
Column
THE CAROLINA JOURNAL WetoesjUy^ Jan. 5, 1966 Hiree
Ilf*
We have a party line at our
house and I overheard a tele
phone conversation recently, in
dire need of a coiumn I iistened
to the whole conversation and
jotted it down in a somewhat
reasonable facsimile of a col
umn.
This is what I heard between
Him and Her:
Her (sweetly): Hello-oo?
Him (confidently): Hi, Bab-
ee! Know who this is?
Her (hesitatingly): Maynard?
Him (disappointedly): Nope.
Guess again.
Her (teasingly): Clifford?
Him (exasperatedly): Now
come on, Babee^j you know me.
I’m the guy you met at the party
Friday night.
Her (giggiing): Which party
and which Friday night?
Him, (teed off): Last Friday
night at Stan’s party. I’m the
guy who put you back in your
chair every time you siid out.
You said you’d never forget
me. Rememher?
Her (knowingly); Oh, you’re
that sweet, lovable Leonard,
aren’t you?
Him (Giving up): No! Leon
ard’s the one who kept sliding
you out of your chair. I’m “tall,
handsome Neal’’ but I guess it
doesn’t matter. (Puzzied). What’s
that noise I hear?
Her (peeved); If you mean that
little “beep” you hear every
fifteen seconds, that’s my nutty
neighbor listening in on the
conversation. He thnks he’s
some kind of Super Bond or
something.
(When I tap a wire, I do it
right!)
Him (annoyed): I think I’ll
hang up and callback later.
Me (pleadingly): Don’t do
that. You’ve oniy given me
seven inches of copy and I
won’t be home much longer
today.
Her (matter-of-factly): I’ll
have to be leaving in a half-hour.
By ELLISON CLARY, JR.
LETTERS
Go^ Go, Go
Forty-Niners
It is about time somebody did
something and changed the nick
name to something other than
Forty-Niners. The one we have
now stinks! When you hear the
name you naturally think of the
National Football League team
with the same name. And we
don’t even have a football team
yet!
Why was the name chosen in
the first place? We reside on
Highway 49 and the school was
founded or something in 1949.
Wow.
Making up good cheers is one
of the numerous problems in
volved with a name like “Forty-
Niners.” Why? They don’t scan,
which they should. For instance:
“Rip ’em up
Tear ’em up
Give ’em Heil (Forty-
Niners?)”
Come, come. Surely some
bright UNC-C student of words
could come up with something
better. Something like “Owls”
perhaps.
Or maybe the “Sixty-Fivers.”
We became a University in ’65.
DISGRUNTLED FAN
Through
these Porfcils Pd.ss
Him (grudgingly): Okay, we’ll
talk now. Uh, what did you get
for Christmas?
dr^K> ^ sot a granny
Him (clarifyingly): You mean
your Granny got a dress. That’s
nice but I asked what you got
Her (pertly); I told you’ a
granny dress.
Him (seeing the Hght): You
mean you got one of those sexy
jobs with the iow chin iine and
the high toe iine?
Her (proudly): I certainly did
Him (wisely): What’s your
Granny wearing, granddaughter
dresses?
Her (smartly); No. She’s wear
ing auntie dresses.
Him (cornily); That’s enough
to make a guy say “uncle”.
Maybe I’ll find me some grand
father trousers.
Me (cutting in): Aw, come on
Buddy, You’ve got to do better
than that. After all, this IS
supposed to be a humor column.
Him (heatedly): I’m ddng
the best I can, wise guy. If you
can do better, why don’t you
call your girl and take down
the conversation?
Me (explaining): ’That would
be hilarious but I could never get
it printed.
Her (cuttingly): You do need
some new trousers, Leonard.
That pair you were wearing at
the party looked sort of ratty.
Him (angrily): My name is not
Leonard and I’m a shurp dresserj
Her (off-handedly); That’s
nice.
Him (suavely); I guess you’re
wondering why I called.
Me (nastily): I certainly am.
Him (in rage): I’d sure like to
know who you are, you wise.
Me (wittily): I’m Leonard.
Her (advisingly): You ought to
Leonard and I’m a sharp dresser.
Leonard. You did appear a little
birdy the other night.
Him (straining): Listen! I
called because I need a date for
Friday.
Her (stabbingly): I hope yc .
find one. I have plans.
Him (persistently): How about
Saturday?
Her (viciously): I hoped you’d
never ask. Alright, make it
Saturday.
Him (meaning well): Would
you like to see a movie?
Her (menacingly): No, but
we can. I’ve seen everything
that’s on except “Lasagna Ital
ian Style” and “Annette Meets
the Son-In-Law of Franken
stein”.
Him (suggestingly). Let’s see
the one with Annette in it. I
always get a kick out of those
beach pictures.
Her (emotioniessly): Make it
the early show because I have to
be home by 9:30 to meet my
fiance.
Him (half-heartedly): Fine, I’ll
be by at seven. Goodbye.
Her (quickly); By the way,
what’s your name again?
His end of the line: Click.
Baaaaaaaaaaaaa..
Her (questioningly): Do you
know who he is, Leonard?
kCaroUnds finest,, Youth
0 0
If Bed-Wetting DoesnH
Work, Try Drunkenness
Certain fundamental values of
our American way of life are on
trial for their lives again. One of
these is a principal on which our
great country was, in large,
founded. This is tolerance.
During recent years American
tolerance has been tested on
many sides, the most dramatic
being the civil rights protests and
demonstrations. Now a new
movement is under way which
seems destined to test this prin
cipal as it has not been tested
since McCarthyism and the
Smith Act. I am speaking, of
course, of the problems of the
anti-war dissenters.
The big issue is not whether
we should be fighting in South
Viet Nam or not, but whether
our “great society” is strong
enough to find a place for
dissent.
'These anti-war demonstrators
have created quite a stir among
every aspect of our country’s
N.C.’s Finest
Pass Through
These Portals
Continued From Page One
“Be a C.O. Write your local
draft board requesting the spe
cial conscientious objector form
SSS 150. Now if you don’t have
a religious or philosophical
reason that will cause you to
be against war “in any form,”
don’t let it bother you. It’s
fairly certain that your local
board wiH turn you down.
However, you can ther, appeal
their decMon, be investigated,
appeal again and so or.. The
whole process takes about a
year, and by that time we v/111
have stopped the war in Viet
Nam (we hope).
“Refuse to sign the loyalty
oath. They’ll investigate you and
if you’ve been fairly active in
any of the “subversive” campus
movements, they won’t want you.
“Note from doctor. If you have
a “friendly” family doctor or can
buy one, you’ll find he’s extreme
ly handy. Without a doctor’s
note you’ll have to do a pretty
good job of faking allergies, ect.
“Be a troublemaker. Refuse to
couple of weeks without a
shower. Really look dirty.
Stink. Long hair helps. Gk> in
barefoot with your sandals tied
around your neck.
Me (devilishly): I’m not
Leonard. I’m really your fi
ance. What’s the idea of dating
out on me?
Her (sobbingly): Oh Tony,
you’re just looking for an excuse
to break off our engagement. You
know I wouldn’t cheat on you for
all the money in the world, etc.,
etc., etc.
My end of the line: Click.
Be a troublemaker. Refuse to
follow orders. (You don’t have to,
you’re not in the Army). Let
them know exactly what you
think of them. Be antagonistic;
smoke where the signs say NO
SMOKING.
“Bed-wetting. Tell them you w
the bed when you’re away from
home. If they don’t defer you,
prove it when you’re inducted.’.’
These are the Berkley sugges
tions. Here’s another. Hit the
books. ’The board won’t touch
you. yet.
Analysis
society. Such a stir as a matter
of fact that a distinguished
bureaucrat. General Louis B.
Hersey, used his position as
director of the Selective Service
to “punish” certain Michigan
University students for their anti
war beliefs. He took it upon
himself to lift the draft exempt
status of the students.
Hersey was immediately chal
lenged by Sen. Philip Hart (D-
Mich) and house minority leader
Gerald Ford (R-Mich) for his
intolerance. Now don’t mistaken
ly interpret the action of these
legislators as pacifist, for Ford
has repeatedly called for stronger
military actions in Viet Nam.
If these congressmen are not
“peaceniks” why did they
come to the defense of the anti
war students? They believe,
and rightly so, that If we
become intolerant of opposing
segments of our society that we
will be no better than the
enemy we are fighting in the
rice paddies of Viet Nam.
Hersey is by no means the only
bureaucrat guilty of over zea-
ousness and Intolerance. An
Army lieutenant, wearing civil
ian cllotihes, appeared in an
anti-war demonstration and
was court marshalled for his
actions.
He was sentenced to a dishon
orable discharge from the service
plus two years hard labor. This
far too severe sentence is being
appealed to the highest military
court of appeals on the grounds
of the “no cruel or unusual pun
ishment” clause of the Eighth
Amendment to the U.S. Consti
tution.
Also, along the same lines, is
the law passed by the last
Congress providing for as much
as five years in prison for
anyone burning his ^aft card.
This is a rather absurb law
since a man who burns his
draft card is still obligated to
report if called by the Selective
Service Board. Thus, in no way
is the card burner’s status with
the board changed hy this
action. Hie burner is oniy using
his Constitutionally protected
right to protest the actions of
his government. At most such
an action would have to be
considered futile, much in the
same manner as someone who
is annoyed with a traffic cop
and tears up his driver’s
license in protest. But he is
certainly not a criminal for the
act.
If America is to remain the
“enlightened” country which it
now has the reputation of been-
ing, our judges, politicians, mili
tarists, and the general popula
tion will have to remember a
phrase coined by the wise Vol
taire “I disapprove pf what you
say, but I wili defend with my
life your right to say it”.
We can only hope.
c
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