Newspapers / University of North Carolina … / April 1, 1972, edition 1 / Page 2
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CHAFED ELBOWS page two/the Carolina urinal/october 1, 1946 Dear Mr. McGully: This is to inform you that I plan to drop dead before April 1, as a result of lack of sleep, lack of sex, and rigor mortis of the brain. Two of these conditions I can blame on your Simon Legree editorship. I could probably remedy the other condition myself, if working for your rag had not drained me of my energy. I have left instructions for my calloused fingers to be severed from my corpse. They will be bronzed and presented to you as a tribute to your ability to get blood from a stone. Since my fingers have worked for you in life, I sincerely hope that you can find some use for them after my death. Use your imagination. You may console yourself with the thought that although I died unhappy, I gave you many glorious hours of editing illegible copy, and somebody to bitch at whenever you were grumpy. I am consoling myself with the thought that I have done my duty as a woman. For what higher calling for a woman is there than to devote her life (or at least a year of it) to slaving for some man? RIP, Sharon deck Freedom to To the editor; "...politics are fucked-up games with no winners..." pmm to a friend. "YES, but let me qualify...if these be the means then what of the ends?... an elected official can do absolutely nothingunless he's elected... a compromise can be WON... if enough threads interest and conflicting demands are woven into one's life -or job- then you are free to do what you please... as the game of life is played there are four basic types of players. Those who play to win, draw or transcend. Those who play to lose simply do not play at all except in a negativist sense... "what is to be done?... one must everywhere compromise, equivocate, vacillate, lie, cheat and steal... for those ends, baby, for those ends... but those ends must be always kept in mind for if for a moment the sight of them is lost... there goes the ball-game... and your life... gather all the factors and judge... where your actions are most effective... and to whom... then you will know with what... while I agree that a worm can be killed with a hydrogen bomb but not an elephant with a pinprick... the choice is not always that simple... life is a constant definition... howto... ...maintain a public and private self... and still be real and relatable... ...from the confused mind of jme Love Dear editor and editorial staff of the Carolina Journal, Congratulations, on being elected as MOST TIRED AT UNCC by the Ha Ha Hall of Famous Dipshits. Happy Shoveling, James Cuthbertson, Jr. P.S.: Nip it in the bud. The Journal encourages its readers to write in response to items appearing in its pages-those of you who are at least semi-literate. The Journal accepts all letters to the Editor provided they are legible and perferably typed and limited to a maximum of 25 words or less. All letters must be signed and bear the address and phone number of the writer-, if you're female and attractive, you must accompany your letter to the Journal office. The Journal reserves the right to edit all letters for libelous statements and good taste....ha, ha, ha ha, the national journaler staff adolph hitler heinrich himmler joseph goebbels joseph Stalin benito mussolini betty feezor jane parker mud-slide slim, minnesota fats, the lone ranger, joe dimaggio, dick banks, harold stassen, waiter brennen, ernest borgnine, tim conway, dark kent and many, many more... richard burton, john belk, polly paddock, art linkletter, pat boone, henry kissinger, john mitchell, dita beard, the cisco kid, buster crabbe, howdy doody and mr. bluster... The opinions expressed are not those of the student body, but usually those of us elite few who have gained a little bit of power over you peons. But then those fools who sign their names to some articles do not necessarily reflect the opinion of our staff and editors. Subscriptions are $40.00 per year and if any of you are thinking of subscribing you'd better think twice because we rtever mail them out. The Journal offices are located beep in the bowels of the University Center and you'd better take someone with you if you decide to come and visit us if you expect to return alive. Represented nationally by the AFL-CIO,the Journal charges outlandish rates for its advertising in line with it's long standing policy of ripping off as much as we can. . Ads are accepted from wherever and whoever we can get them from and you d better watch out when you answer them. Abortion ads are accepted without verification and we don't know whether they're straight or not. Find out for us, will you? editor managing editor news editor arts editor photography editor cartoonist staff photographers by norman maler Rumor has it that there is an illicit organization on campus that is engaged in nocturnal rites around the Bell Tower. There also is substantial evidence that this is a Satanic cult with connections in the Near East with an old group of Manicists. To substantiate or discount these reports. Journal reporter Sharon Lane was secreted in the tenth floor of the Dalton Tower to watch what went on during a night which included a full moon. Here is her report: It was all quiet here in the library tower as the night progressed, but around midnight furtive gray figures began to converge at the well-lighted base of the collossal monument. At exactly twelve midnight, as if by magic the moon lined up with the stars in a straight line over the Bell Tower and strange loud music began to exude from the desolate white monument... it sounded like Also Sprach Zarathusra. Simultaneously, the shadowy figures began a rhythmic litany and formed a circle around the base, while holding hands. Then they approached the Bell Tower chanting and singing and formed a circle close around the base. They then outstretched their hands and began to caress the base of...it was disgusting and obscene. Before long, the Tower began to quiver and pulsate with slow ululations, sort of like fondling a banana. The tip grew monstrously red and as the chanting grew louder and louder, a great rumbling occurred and the monument suddenly spurted this awful slimy Diary Of a by bore veedahl Irrefutable evidence has been found to support the theory that the bell tower leaves campus every night, just like everyone else. Students in philosophy seminar were examining the question: How do we know that the bell tower is there when we cannot see it? They decided to place a round-the-clock watch on the tower to check its movements. The first night, the tower went into the University Center, guzzled 43 Cokes, and played a game of pinball. It scored 22,687 points and won a free ball. After playing "The Night Has a Thousand Eyes" on the piano and writing next week's editorials for the Journal, it returned to its pedestal. On the next evening, it went to Gus's for a keg of beer. Nobody in Gus's thought it was strange; they assumed it was just another drunk albino banana. Later it had a long chat with the flagpole, and the two rolled down the parking lot for a game of basketball in the gym.. The tower won, 664-82. While the tower was in the gym, students examined the pedestal. They !»*• Rare pix of bell tower's brother.... found 87 pounds of hashish, an airline ticket to Los Angeles, and a tape recorder. The hash, being smoked by the tower, may explain the unusual actions of the students who usually gather around it and breathe deeply. The plane ticked led students to believe that the tower planned to travel to the NCAA basketball finals. Rumor has it that UNC-CH coach Dean Smith plans to let the tower play center and the National Anthem against UCLA. The tower, a 110'8" senior, will certainly tower over UCLA's 6'11" sophomores. The tape recorder contained a complete record of all subversive activities on campus. The tape took special note of the inhabitants of Rowe Hall. A swarthy man in a trenchcoat picked up the tape, but students are divided as to whether it was Jack Anderson or J. Edgar Hoover. If the tower is an FBI agent, the agency will be looking for a replacement soon. Applicants must be tall, white, and stable. They must be looked up to and must be in the center of campus activity. vuMic 10 ^ CATCH MPI BY FR^MK 3/vn/rH micre: the "iCOPtE POSES5 M0> AUTV^3e.\‘C‘i, THeiP- JO RespECT. white stuff all over the Atkins Library. It kind of looked like the old feller was horny. When it happened the group dispersed and was no where to be seen. For those of you who don't know what to make of this strange story, let us assure you that it has been backed up scientifically. Our own University scientists were on the scene the next morning and verified that there were large blobs of material that looked very much like semen on the top of the library. SGA President Stan Patterson and Administration officials met that very morning and agreed to form a committee to investigate the possibilities of finding a mate for the lonely tower. Special mailings of form letters have been sent to all communities in the Appalachian Mountains in an attempt to find a hole 150 feet deep and 6 feet in diameter. Although they admit that chances are remote they hope to be able to mate the tower with something by next year. The Cumberland Gap has been suggested as a possibility but officials are skeptical as to whether or not the Bell Tower would be content., and we will admit that it would be a sort of loose fit. Others have proposed the Old Well at Chapel Hill, but officials believe it would not be deep enough and possibly may be frigid after all these years. They also urged us to urge you, if you know of any hole that you think would make the Bell Tower happy, to contact the Journal office in B-4 immediately. We have also set up a box at the Union desk to receive suggestions as to how to ring the Bell Tower's chimes. In the meantime everyone is urged to either avoid the Bell Tower entirely or carry an umbrella on your way to class. classifieds Journal Classifieds are FREE to ail members of the University, regardless of their race, creed or national origin. Anything you want to buy, sell, trade or pimp-just scribble it down on something and leave it at the Info Desk of the University Center or even write it on a bathroom wall. All ads will run once only, space permitting and the Editor reserves the right to chop them up any damn way he pleases. Clarity of style and conciseness is requested, but what the hell. 40>YEAR-OLD WHITE MALE needs loving care from any female in the immediate area of Two Dot Montana. Tve got what gives If you've got what it takes. Douglas Hard, 522 W. Montana Ave,, Two Dot Montana. FEMALE ENEMA FANS: A colonic expert who would rather give than receive, but who takes with a joy equal to the zest of his giving. Basil Fleet c/o 4728 Asspirin Ave., Philadelphia, Pa. YOUNG DOCILE MALE, 27. needs training and discipline by a dominant female (I was harshly toilet trained as a child). Will obey any command. Very sincere. All answered. No males. Oedipus Occupant, P.O. Box 131. Oozone Park, N.Y. ATTENTION: If your thing Is tickling, you have many friends who want to meet you. Our new club Is for correspondence, but personal contact at your pleasure. Don’t feel alone in the world. We would be tickled to meet you. Write: Dr. Tickle, 525 Featherbelly Lane, Los Angeles, Rhode island. FROM ANCIENT JAPAN RIN NO TAMA' DUO-VIBRA-BALia 2 hollow bolls, 1 with brass ball held loosely Inside it. Vibrations between them create super turn-on for him & her. Insert into vagina & hold in place with tampon. Each movement heightens arousal. Use during foreplay or any time, remove* before penetration. The longer they stay in. the greater the arousal when coitus begins. Washable & safe . . . recommended in “Everything you always wanted to know about sei. . (page 201). Send $15.95 per pair to: JERRY LEE, P.O. Box 6e4 W V-19 (larden Grove. Calif. 92642 Give a FUCK that Lasts Forever! Now Available! His & Hers FUCK RINGS in 14 kt. Gold Start the New Year with a real *l>ang"! Now! For the 1$t time ever to crew readers, treat your mate to the real . . . it'll tast a lifetime! "His" or "Hers" only $19.95 each plus 504 for maitir^ arid handling. The "matched set" only $35.00 plus $1.00 for mailing and handling. M & W ENTERPRISES. Inc. P.O. Boxl84, Dunelien, N J. 08812 I have enctoaed $ .... in check or Money Order for (quantity) Q Hers (size) □ His(size|.„ (Fleese be sure to specify ring $ize(s) or ring(s) will be shipped size 6-Hert and size 9-His.) Addraat. CitY_ Sute. -Zip- N J. Ras. add 5% sales tax 10OAY MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE
University of North Carolina at Charlotte Student Newspaper
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April 1, 1972, edition 1
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