Newspapers / University of North Carolina … / April 1, 1972, edition 1 / Page 8
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FACULTY SING-SING.... lyy^ Professor Harmonious Gee Golly (center) sang his latest grading proposal, which eliminate all grades except D and/or F, at last week’s faculty meeting. The Faculty joined in a chorus of "We're Just A Lovely Bunch of Cocanuts" (with Tom "Thumbs" Turner accompanying on the harmonica). Next week, an academic rendition in G-string minor of "We've Got Your Whole Life In Our Hands" will highlight the meeting. WHY IS THIS GIRL SMILING? Student Herbie Smack, shown crawling above, was the winner in the Intravenus Frat-Sorrowity Combined Stud-Virgin Contest. Herbie did an original dance, using a ten-foot Pole as a partner in the event. Music was provided by the Up-and-Down Trio and refreshments were Saga leftovers from the Battle of the Belch. Herbie wore "super-cool" clothes to UNCC for a solid month to train for the competition, and spent nights "raising hell" generally. The Stud-Virgin Award will be made at a candlelight ceremony when it is expected that Herbie will announce his upcoming marriage to his left hand. . . . JUST A BIT LATE, BUT.... UNCC's Gay Liberation Alliance announced today that Ms. Bobbee Gently (above) had won their "Queen For A Day" contest. A closet for the queen is being provided by the Urban Institute. Contestants were judged in evening gown, garter-and-hose, and leather gear competition. Said Ms. Gently: "The boys were so sweet to do this for me." Ms. Gently is a senior physical fine arts major. HER/HIS MOTHER WOULD BE PROUD. REFRESHING PAUSE BETWEEN CLASS.... Student Igor Steinberg, a transfer student from Screw U., pauses 'neath the bell tower for a drink of water. Igor has just completed a horible mid-term exam in French Ecomonics, and looks like it, too... In a surprise move at the faculty club's annual meeting and White Elephant Sale, long-time hysterectomy analyst and cigarette smoker. Dr. Abernathy surrended the United States to King George and England. Abernathy said, "God Save The Queen Mary, The Titanic, The San Francisco Quake, and The UNCC Hystery Oepiartment." tv ✓ COF^ee, TEA, dK... UOO^|^iT ^Nf^VAOtTCH, TAKB -rouei. PAMNBP HAHt> OFP tAB Oft. I’LL People ,'ho News page eight/uncc lampoon/july 25, 1947 SWIRL. SWIRL... The Engineering College says in a recent report about their research that they have developed a new, fast method of analyzing scientific data. The process. involving the machine pictured above, is highly secret at present, but it is known that large volumes of material can be dealt with in only a few minutes. A patent on the process is pending clearance, and funds for the study were provided by a grant from theRoto-Rooter Corporation and Sani-Flush Investigations, Inc.... AND THE HAIR ON HIS BODY.... Former Student Boozer Tufguy turned away a group of long hairs from his "Blood and Boozer, commented: freaks were restaurant/lounge. Guts," last night, shown above, "None of those wearing a colored jacket. Not a one of them had any Greek letters on their clothes. What's worse, they weren’t carrying beer cans and driving fast cars. We can't allow those kind of people in here." Boozer, later that same evening, received multiple cuts and bruises trying to stop the hourly fight over who had drunk the most beer. VELCOME, COMRADE BOONDOGGLE.... The Sociology Department today gave approval to the appointment of a new faculty member, Herman Boondoggle, at left above. Boondoggle, currently visiting friends in Latin America, is a specialist in socio-political theory and holds a third-degree black belt, and an honorary membership in Kaptain Amerika's Korp(KKK). Boondoggle will assume his position on the faculty if his clearance by the CIA, FBI, AAUP, and NAPCA comes through.... At a recent speech on campus. Dr. Kreg Kornflake, noted human being and his mother's son. ADVANCED CASE OF WISDOM TEETH.... Little Smiley Wetland, caught above in a rare nude photo, was admitted to UNCC by the Admissions Department last week. An Admissions spokesman commented: "Well, he scored an 800 on College Boards, and had an outstanding nursery school performance report." When asked about what course of study he will pursue at UNCC, Smiley smiled and replied, "Goo goo, ga ga." delivered a sizzling thirty-second assault on democracy, Amerika, and society in general. When asked to comment on his short speech, Kornflake, seen above in a demonstrative gesture, "What’s to say? I got said all there was about everything." Reprints of the speech are available on the inside cover of Diamond Matchbooks, in their March edition.... Obituaries this is the way the journal ends this is the way the journal ends this is the way the journal ends not with a whimper but with a BANG.... thanx to jay, Sharon, Charlie, tom, and all who have made our first annual bullshit edition possible.... we have tried to offend every* one so that no one could say we were prejudiced, malicious, or liars -although those things may be true.... people take care.... enjoy your spring break and make peace with each other..., love one another.... take time as a celebration.... i love you all.... mcculiey
University of North Carolina at Charlotte Student Newspaper
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April 1, 1972, edition 1
8
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