' ■ ■ - ?§• THE FLOWERS gOU
VOLUME XI.
Reporter and Post.
PUBLIIIIKD WKKKLV AT
DANBURY. N. C.
PMPPBR k SONS, Pubs. # Praps
BATLM OF MUMl'KiniON J
Oie Year. paoable Ivi advance....,,*
SU Month* «*,
RATW or AI»TI«IlKl3l'i:
One Square ft«n lino* or le«a) 1 time «l On
F»ir eark ahiltiomil luwrti*m ~ 5o
Contract* for longer time or mora *paie can bo
made in proportion to the above rale*.
Transient advertiser* will be expreted to remit
according to the*e rates at (he time tin y send
their favar*.
Local Notice* will be charged SO per cent. higher
than above rates.
IIUIUUVM Cants will be inserted at Ten Dollar*
)ier annum.
l-JL* ■* ■!.' ' F
professional cards.
■"7 • - —-■y-'f •
kODERT l). CflMEh,
Attorney and Counsellor,
MT. ALKY, N. C.
Practices in the coiu-tA of Surry, Stokes,
Yadkin and Alleghany.
W. F. CARTER,
-
Tnr. AIKT, hi;nilY co„ N. t
Practice* whwevar his service are wanted.
R. L. HA YMORE,
ATTORNEY-AT LAW
Mt, Airy, N. O?
Special attention given to the collect ion oi !
claim*. I l_: i *
11. SL MABTINDALE,
WITH
WM. J. C. DUUXYX CO.;
tiTA TinXVUS' A .YD HOORSKLLEHS j
H A It KllOt'S K.
•A#o/ Hook* a
Stationery of nil kinds. Wrapping |*per, ;
Twine*, Bonnet Boards, Paper hliuus.
WJW. Baltimore sr., HALTIMOKK, vr>
J. 8. HAltltlSON,
WITH
A. L. ELLET £l CO.,
DRY QOODS & NOTIONS
10, 1U & 14 Twelfth Streo'.,
A. L- KI.LRTT, \
A. Jt'nso* W'ATKtafl, (
sßichm'd, Va
B. F. KING,
WITII
JOHkYSOX, SUTTON $ CO.,
DRY GOODS,
No*. 2f ami 20 Smith .Sharp, tUrcet,
"T. W. JOIIFBON, U. M. BUTCON.
J. H. K. ORAIiHE, O. J. JOHNSON.
Y. T>AT, ALIIKKT JOfJKS.
33ay & J »es
manufacturer* o!
■AnDLEIIY.IIAUWKJI*, COLLARS,TRPNRH
M*. .130 W. Italttmoce street, Baltimore, -l/tl.
W. A. Tucker, H. C. Smith, U.S. Sprajrgin*
Tucker, Smith a Co-
Manufacturhr* A; \vhwle*aie Dealer* in
809T6i t *lloßß* HATS AM) CAPS.
N«*. JOO Baltimore Street, Baltimore, lf«l.
*. J. * K. K. BK»T,
WITH
Henry Snnnoltorn 4' Co.,
WHOLESALE CJsOTUISRS.
H Aaoovt* imivi« Uilub.nl Sh)
UAtTIMOKE Hl>.
■ . 9ONKBBOM, B. III.IMMXE.
C. WATKISM, TT. S. ROHKHTSOX
W. L. OOTTBRM., A. K. WATKJNS.
Watkins. Cottrell & Co..
Importer* and Jobber* of
H ARDWAIIK.
1807 Main Street,
ltlCllilOXD, VA.
Agent* for Falrbnnfc* Standard aji«l
AnHor llrand Bolting t'loth.
n Putney, L. U tllair
11. MILES,
WITH
JSTEPHEXrUTXKYS CO.,
II 'hulvtuile dealer* in
Boots, Shoes, and Trunks,
lUI9 Mam Suvct,
u. MiJW. It I a J/MO SI), I'A.
J. U AHUOTT, or N 0.,
with
ItlltfiO, ELLG'I'T k CRCJIP,
RIOUMONU, VA.,
Wholewle D*«l«r> ia
BOOTS, SHOES, TRUNKS, St C.
Prampt alUnlion paid to order*, aud
(aclloa
/*• Virginia Suit Priaa Oo* U a ij'taalty
March, 6. m
aoaiKT w. rowaaa. auuaa u. r*vuo .
K W. I'OWKIUs A UO.,
WHOLESALE DRUGGISTS,
Daalart ta
-CAINTR, 011-S, DVKS, VARNISHES,
French and American
WINDOW ULA»S, PUTTY, &.C
DIUARS, UiIuKING ANUUHISWINU
TtIBAOOO A SL'KUIAIiTV.
ISO# Main at., Biehmond, Va.
Auguit IS— Bm
P. 11. Winaton, Ji*.
ATTORNEYATLAW
WISSTO«,N. C.
AI too 4a tk« courts of lUtirfmn, Tad-
Ata, Surt;, Daws, Hioko. and Forsylb,
aodtUa *t, t mtt aoi *t ieul ounrw.
.JL M - .MM
—>—n»rwßftiWK w *it*ww»i | -.air"a-Fn
" --
for I>y*pepda,
11 ro 111 c ' > ' ur *
@ thtv%, Jntmd4cc t
1 inputily of tho
liluwl, Fffrorand
"* fr-'t-lr-r) A^ne ( Mallrln,
wAil' ?' V UI,|J I>S*enHee
* A7 rnimfil by I)»-
raagumuut of Liver, liuwulH and liidii"*.?.
STHrTOHS OF A DtSFAF.ri) I.IVKR.
llad ikc#th: I' in i.i th • M s >.n times th«
mill I* u ft under th* f-h
Khcun>aii»«a ; jjcncral i».t of appetite; l>owcU
gi-Ttar.tlly costive. » mctjia * idler Sating with Ux;
the hea:l is with p..in, i« doll .aid heavy,
mill u»wH'Viab. - Ii«-i of memory, accompnni-d
%itT\ apaidful s*nsati>ii4>( umlone something
whidionght «> h.i vc U.cn ne; a d««at, dry c.oi»jh
ami (lush- 1 face \± s .utuiru s'aYv Mienk»nt, often
mlvt iken for ceiu.iu*i .i >n; the puUint ctjmpluins
of weannvNH and debility ; ncivtsi. e.*»ly kUrticd;
feet cold « r loniPtmm * pri« Vly sens:>tntn
of thu skin e.viais, spirtU ate low and deBDOIHicM,
and, tHtislic t i .ut exercise w »uld l»c bene
ficial, yet one can hanlly f.inimcn up IbrtitMiir to
try it—in fact, ciiMrusis every rome»ly. Several
of |hcab*vi- the Jisra*e, but *ascs
have «c*urrr 1 »!»>■•. btmuar t-f tlie'• existed, y«t
ea.iflrtnal. >n v.ner de.ttnTvts shown the fcivi t" lu
have been extensively Uutangcd.
It Nhould be used by all jwrson*. old in J
vrhrnnver any ot the al>> *o
i}np.iitus appear.
Feraona TravolSnff »c t.Uinpr In ITn
j henlfhy LnCttiitli ii, uv - . »»i..n-
I ally to keep th«- Liver iu healthy .iction, will avoid
j aU Alnhirin, Illliotta ;i(lt M -ka ( Hi.-un.-s .Na
1 sea, l>epn sinn 1 Spirits, etc. It
I will invurotwfr like * i;la*» wine, but 1.% no li.-
bevtruifo,
If Yon have eaten nny'lilnf hsrd of
I dKrslioii, ur fvel heavy after nii.aU. >.l *tei»p
-I«MS at night, take a i!o*e and you a ill be relieved.
Tltne nii«l Doctors* 11IIU will l»o aaved
by alwnya keeping the Regulator
la the Honor (
For, whatever the ailment tn.iy lv, a
S;>'- ulterativo .tra! tonic c.« 1
I never l»e OIK O place. I it. remedy i% bitniilt-is
I mid doi-a (tot iiiterfero aitli busiiifna «»r
I plenaurc.
IT T«J FURKI.Y TKOirr tm.!?.
And h#-. -!l Ihe j.. >».. • :.n . ?i >mrl or
wtthout any af the iujuri >ui after eliccu.
A flovernor's Te*tiaiony.
Simmons I.iver Rrjulrttnr Ka» I « r> in use in r-.y
faur.lv for % me time, .nai I «ni ««iHticd 11 is A
valuable addition in tlu* nuain .d > : -u -p
J iiin. SHOMTKU, (»>»vrnor of Ala.
lion. Alexander !f. Blenheim, of fin.,
j eavc: Have derived sonic benefit :« 111 the use Ji
j Simmons Liver Kegulatur, and wish to give it a
further trial.
I "The only Tiling: that nev«r fall* to
Baltotre. 9 * - I I
I p«|».i*. l.iver Attrition and |)«*!.' ty, but never
I have fntind anytbimc to lui 'fit me t> t!»- ext. Nt
Sinim.'hs 1 jver Regulator h. » I sent ' m Mir
j iiesota to (•oirgia f"i it, and » uld -.udftirh r r
suchawrdiciac, and w>ukl advice all %»!. . a:c n.ni
il.oly * fleeted to R-ve it a tri.il as it aeeuis the only
tiung that ne\ r!, to relivte.
I'. M. JANNKY. Minncnpolis, Minn.
I»r. T. W. Mnaon a.-»ya: Ki >«i act.ial e»-
periance in tlw; t««.e ft Sinin >n% JJv. r K cin u rin
iny practice 1 bav-i een and am -atulttd tj use
•1. i pr**ci«be ii as a purgaeve medisnie.
 nly the Cciinlno. which always
hjs vx% the Wrapper the ivd '/. Trfide-M.uk
and «.f J. H. ZKIL.2N  >.
JOR SAI E BY AM. pRUfIC.TSTS
BTOHlca (f|S?
"STTE^
i What the prrent restorative, floafetter'B
B;ontaeh Bitters, will do, must he leathered
frotn what it lia* Hoin-. It htii effi*e.tetl ruil
invt erne* in flioosanila »f cases of dyspep
sia, bilious iflsortlers, lnferinittent fevt r,
nervous aJect ous, general debility* con
•tlpaiian, aie.k beailuolie, nifiital deuptHi
deney, ami the peculiar complaint* anil
diitahililies to wliich the lceblu aru so
•üblect.
For aale by nil Prugsists and Dealers j
genet'ail j.
EARS MILLION
Too Chos's Balsam cf Shark's Oil.
PottHitrh/ Jlffiforc* th* Urariwjy an I is the
Only Abnoluie Cure/or .s Knotcn.
ihia Oil is al»s v ractc«l from peculiar hja
ci«-« of wnall White Shark, tunglit In iln*
Yellow Sea. kttown i>  Ain 11 VHADON KON
DKi.KTif. Kvery Chinese iishernian kn«»ws
it. It.s virtues ;us a icst»iAtivc of hearing
were tlihcovere.l by liuihlliist Priest ahoul
§JiA yewr 1410. -Its euros were so luinierotis
and witty *0 ifniiM/ mirfi ulou*. that the
remedy was oiliciaUy piticlaitned over the
entire Empire. Its use became sti universal
that for or«r 80CI yctira no Dvvf.urs h(* x-
Mcd amony the Chint'*i> jn-oph-. Went,
cnarßea pivjpaitl, to any .it i« r
bottle.
Hear What the Deaf Say.
It lia-4 performed amtraele in my ease.
1 have no unearthly noises luiuy head and
hc.ir much heUer.
! have l>een henente»L
My tleaftifss he I pet I a qieat tlcal—think
anoiiu r bottle will cure me.
"Its virtues are unqr*tlonQbte and its air-
Htirr character abti>/nti\ as the irriter can
personally tettify, botfi/rvin t,rjit rit uce and
otUerration. Write at once t«» Haymm'k «Sc
Jl.NXtv, 7 J)cy Street, New York,enclosing
$1.0(1, and yea will receive by return a rem
«4y llutt will euah'e you to heal like any
body Hse. and wlwwe eurative effects will W
|)erinanent. You will never regret doing
ao.''— Liiiron A>lF.hicax I{KYIB\Y.
avoid loss in the Mails, please send
monev by Letter.
Only Imported by
HAY LOCK AJEXXET,
(Late Hay lock «fc Co.,
SOLE AOENTS roil A.\lKim A,
7 Dey St., New York.
GEO. E. IMISSEN Ss CO.,
SALEM, X. C. ,
WAGON MANUFACTURERS,
Using only the best of materials, we make
the best of work, and warrant every job,—
We lave the oldest ami Wagon Works, ,
and our \Vagom» have the best reputation oi
any ftl tbe State. Kvery Wagon bears the !
name »s). 1». MSSKN, Salem V. )., N. t'. M (
Write for prices. Ucfer LO ail W2M* are nsiug
our Wiyot*s. 1
■ ... ! ■i i
I) ANBURY, N. C, THURSDAY. APRIL 11) 1883.
mmmmmmm «r«r ar —— 1 ■ ■ ■ ■ 1 mammmmm
A True Story.
jtr WHO?
"'Twns fver llms. fnmi c'lilillinoiri Imur,
I'vi' win uiv Ihmli'M l.u|ii"i iliiav ;
I nevßi' lovi'tl ;i tii'e or iiout'i,
Jltit 'twas (.In l flint in t'.tilf away."
In the North-eastern part of ftolte*
eounty, North Carolina, liypj many
years ago, a man of reputation by the
naiuo of Henry Marih. llis parents
■lying while lie was but a child, he was
taken in a store in a town in a neighbor
ing eounty as n clerk. And lie was so
admired fur his lionesty and correctness
that ho very soon won thu ostceiu and
admiration of all who knew hiui. He
cantiiiuc I in until he had
arrived to the nge of fifteen, when he
was sent to school until his twentieth
year, lie excelled by far thu greater
part of his .-clioolinatcs in most of his
studies. After having left school, he
entered business in the town of (J
as a wholesale merchant. His income
increased rapidly, for his popularity was
not excelled. AtuuiiQ bis numerous
customers were many of tho fair «ex,
and it may bo suppoiscd that Henry Mu
rih's mind was not wholly tixotl on mak
ing luoucy, for since his removal to the
city his mind had bren absorbed in an
other uphcru : lie had become enamored
with a beautiful and lovely little maiden
for whom lie would at any moment have
sacrificed his last cent.
Ilenry .Marih was tall, rather slender,
with black bair, dark brown eyes, and
had a very pleasant appearance.
lie was handsome, and so thought
Eugenia Thompson, as ho sat by her
side with his large hazel eyes fixed stead
fastly upon her beautiful face, speaking
more touehingly than words tho senti
ments of his heart. She really accept
ed the pi ine, as she thought, and iu a
short while they were mail and wife.
The first few years of their married
liiV were spent as m a happy Paradise.
There was nothing lacking to complete
their happiness, and all the future seem
ed btigiit and lovely, llut alas! how
often do wo see our fondest hopes de
cay ! Henry Marih had luneJ of that
poisonous liijuor which destroys the
happiness, obstructs tho prosperity and
crushes ihe hopes of so many thousands.
The more he drank the more his craving
appetite thirsted for it, and thus ho con
tinued until his business was fast do
creasing, and it was the general impres
sion that Henry Marih, the gifted and
noble young merchant and citizen was
, doomed to till a drunkard's grave.
l'oor Eugenia! how wo pity her!
Only two yo*rs ago she looked upon the
futuie as bright and lovely. Shu saw
no lowering cloud that would tend to
mar her earthly peace and happiuess.
liut ah! she has seen her brightest,
loveliest and most sublime hopes and
prospects crushed by tho demon o'
drunkennets. Her husband was being
speedily deprived of his properly by
making bad bargains, &c., until his
creditors, seeing the end to which ho
was fast drawing, began to secure their
debts, and it is not surprising to say
that lie had not enough to pay them all.
His store was compelled to be sold at
public auction, and also his elegant man
sion and furniture. Nothing was loft
him but his ever craving appetite for
alcohol, and his little family, consisting
of his wife and one child—a little girl
of five years. They were driven to the
necessity of seeking shelter in a poor
miserable hovel without windows, to
protect them from tho chilling blasts of
the winter storms.
Hut llcnry Marih was not lot long for
this world, for in a few weeks he slept
in a grave over which no star of hope
shed its rudiant beams. His wit'o was
thrown upon tho cold world with noth
ing to cheer and comfort her drooping
(■pirits, nothing to console her broken
heart but her bible and her iutercsting
little girl, who was named after her
mother. Hut amid all those misfort
unes, and under all these severe tiials,
Mrs. Marih bore up with tho greatest
fortitude. Sho was employed as a
teacher, and in this occupation she did
justice to herself and gave entire satis
fuc>ion to her patrons.
Twelve years have passed, and Eugen
ia Marih tho younger has grown up a
beautiful and accomplished woman.
She had many admirers, but she politely
declined all, till there came one who
bowed at tho shrine of her beauty and
loveliness, and poured his lovi) from a
true heart that won her o*rn. llut both
were doomed to see their fondest hopes
decay; for haviug ouco seen him intox
icated, sho spurned him from her pres
ence us she would a poisonous serpent.
Oh, what reiuorsu he experienced ! He
1
-■i-
implored for forgiveness time and again,
but ul) in Viiin. The serpent had stung
1 her mother and its fangs still rankled in
her tender breast. She oould not think
, of marrying a man who loved the aocurs
j ed cup.
I Mrs. Marih has long since died, and
, ' her body quietly reposes in a village
, j cemetery lu a bordering county iu Vir- j
: i giuia. The beautiful and lovely Ku
-4 {tenia was subsequently married to a
j | noble and deserviug young man. She
- has an elegant homo, over which she
) presides with queenly dignity, and her
, husband is the leading citizen and lar
-1 gest property holder in no very mean
_• ; eity in the Old Dominion. i
i j ~ rr —-—- •*''
Wl»dom Cue Him *
' Do you wish to make your mark in the
world! Do you wish to have the 1
j respect of tho respectable? Do you
desire to acquire a competence of this I
world's goods? Do you wish to be;
men! Then observe tho following
rules:
' llold integrity sacred.
' ) Observe good manners.
Knduie trials patiently,
lie prompt in all things.
I Make few acquaintances.
l'ay your debts promptly.
; Yield not to discouragements.
1 I'll! not for any consideration,
j Join hands only with the virtuous,
j Keep you mind from evil thoughts.
Watch carefully over your passions.
' | Respect the counsel of your parents.
I Dure to do right; fear to do wrong.
1 Question not the veracity of friends.
Sacrifice money rather than priuci
■ ! pit.
Never try to appear what you are
' not.
■ 1 Oo not into the soeicty of tho vi
i oious.
I so your leisure time for improvi.-
I ' incut.
Consider well; then decide posittve
■K.
Injure not another's reputation in bus-
f■ loess*
Solved Hie raulc.
The other night a merchant in a vil
lage in Ohio was discovered in his store
, i at an unusually late in reply
1 to inquiries he said :
j "My confidential clerk is missing."
"And what of it?"
! "Why, I'm looking over the books
] but they seem to be all square."
"Ilave you counted jour cash !"
' "Yes, audit is correct to the dol
lar."
"Looked over your bank book ?"
"1 have, and it is satisfactory. That's
the puzzle, you see. lie's skipped, and
; i can't make out what for.
' I " lieen home since noon ?"
r | "No."
i "Perhaps he has eloped with your
' ; wife."
| "Lands alive! but it may be so!
If it is, then tho puzzle will be
' ! solved."
i He hurried home and it was so, and
j he felt a great anxiety otr his mind.
HAD ADVICE. — An old Ark.msaw
' ' gentleman, advising his son, said : "Vou
are now about to shift for yourself.
■ ' You'll find the world mighty rough iu
, | places, aud it wont take long to cut your
J eye teeth. Y'our first duty is to build
up a character. 1 would advise you to
' establish yourself by whipping somebody.
■ Nothing builds up a man in a new
, ' community like whaling a man.'
r "Suppose nobody gives me an oppor
j tunity ?'
j "Hang the opportunity, There are
• men iu every community who ought to
!be whab'd. Go on now, and remember
. ' that a father's love goes with you."
. | The young man loft an J went iota an
adjoining neighborhood. Two days af
. 1 forward ho was brought home in a wag
j on. One of his cars was gone and his
, tooth wore shattered.
"I failed to build up, pap," ho said,
"liaised a row with an old fellow and he
downed uie Afterwards I heard that
he'd killed threomeo.'
I "Ah, Lord,' sighed the old man. 'The
world is going to pieces and a father's
ailvico aiut worth nothing any more,
j Times have changed since I was a young
buck.'
The correspondent of the New York
Times, in Florida, writing up Arthur,
says that in tho journey to Florida "there
were no crowd* auywhero north of Jack*
I sonvillo, except at Goldsboro, N. C.,
' and at the latter place the President did
not have time to acknowlcdgu the bois
terous demands that be should ap
pear."
j The University Normal School will
comiuen.'c Juuc '.'l, aud continue five
wookjf.
j 4
"May IH Its That Bait} !"
To a soidier, far away from home,
there is no more touching sight than
that of a baby in its mother's arms.
While on their way to Getty burg our
troops were marching by night through
a village over whoso gateways hung
| lighted lanterns, while young girlg sited
tears as they watched tho brother* of
other wouicrn marched on to possible
death. A scene of the march is tlios
described by the author of'-Bullct aud
Shell;" Stopping for a moment at tho
gato of a dwelling, 1 noticed a young
mother leaning over it with a chubby
child in her arms. Above tho woman's
lipad swung a couple of stable lanterns,
their light upon her face. The child
was erowiiig with delight ut tnc strange
pageant, as it watched the armed bust
■ pa«s on.—"l beg your pardon, Ma'aui
said Jim Manners, one of my men. as
|he dropped the butt of his musket, on
| the ground and peered wistfully into
the faces of the mother and her child
"I bog pardon, but may I kiss that baby
of yours! I've got one just like him at
home, at least when 1 last saw him,
two years ago."—Tho mother, a sym
pathetic tear rolling down her blooming
cheek, silently held o-it tho child. Jim
pressed his unshaven face to its innoccut
smiling lips for a moment, and then
walked on, saying: "God bless you,
Ma'am, for that!" Poor Jim Manners !
He never saw his boy again in life
A bullet laid him low the next day as we
made our first charge.
Am01(l-l'ai!iiuiicd Editor.
Wo were greived to read the other
Jay of the death of one of Michigan's jol
liest pioneer editor*—almost the last
man of a band who published weeklies
in tho state when a coon-skm would
pay for a column "ad," and three bush- j
els of corn dumped on tho office floor for
a year's subscription. Never was a ■
publisher more liberal with his space.
It was hard work for him to charge f
for anything except tho tax list and '
mortgage sales, and he measured short
even on them. One day in the years j
gone by this paper copied an attack ou '
a county otfical, and old Mark was doz
ing at his desk when the injured party
stalked iu and began:
'• You are a coward, sir—a—coward!'
"Mobbc 1 am," was the editor's com
placent reply.
"And 1 can lick you sir—lick you out
of your wrinkled old boots!"
"I guess you could." answered Mark,
as he burstcd the wrapper oil' his only
exchange.
"I'm going to write an article calling
you a fool, liar, coward, cur, slanderer,
aud body-snatcher, and go over to lonia
aud pay live cents u line to have it
published!"
"Hey!" queried tho old man as he
wheeled arouud.
'Yes, I'll pay five cents a line to have
it published."
"Say, let mo toll you something," re
plied Mark. "I've got 200 more circula
tion than the Banner, and I'll publish
your attack oil me for two cents a line
and take it out in mill-feed or corn-stalks
Don't trot over to lonia when you can
help build up your own town!"
Mark would have published it word
for word, just as he said, aud thrown
in a cut of a horse or a stump-puller
free gratis but tho official cooled off.
Dan Rice ax si Temperance
Lecturer.
Dan II ice, the veteran showman deliv
ered aii address at a temperance meeting
in New Y'ork Sunday. He told his
hearers the story of his conversion at
St. Louis by Moody and Sankey. They
urged him to take a now departure and
join the band he said. The advice at
first suggested to hint the idea of a good
speculation, aud he thought the combi
nation of Moody, Sankey and Dan Kice
would bo invincible. He never regret
ted his step, however, and since he had j
given up whiskey he had become a new
man physically and mentally. "Talk j
about your drunken uien here,"' he said; j
you never saw me. You have heard !
perhaps, about people seeing snakes. I
have secu anacondas, grizzly hears, rhi
noceroses aud bippopotomuscs. Why,
Pilot and Jumbo ain't a circumstance
to what I saw." He advised every
one who wished to beenmo temperate to
try a touch of the *-ji in jams," and they •
would never touch a drop of liquor
afterward.
"Just for fuu" a scoundrel at Rich
mond, Va., gave a boy a pint of whiskey
to drink. The boy died, and his uiur- '
derer has been sentenced to twelve
year's imprisonment.
Largo buckles or slides are the pre
ferred oruauient of large hats and bun
noti.
4
A Crunk In I.yncli lull's
Tho Virginian gives tho following
account of a crunk who appeared iu
Lynchburg last week and who claimed j
to be "Major Genera Winficld S. ilmi- !
cock."
lie is evidently a crank, and claimed j
the hosjritality of thy city, saying : '-It :
• is not often your city is honored by a j
man who has so distinguished himself in j
the service of his country and who was j
nominated nml elected to the highest of
fice iu the gift of a loving people."
The policeman on duty iu a few appro
priate remarks tendered hiiu the keys—
of a cell, telling tho "General" that he i
would find a bed in there, on vhich he J
could lest. "The accommodations," '
the ofheer sai 1, "are not such as the j
eity of Lynchburg offers to distinguish
ed visitors, but it is all we can oiler you i
tur.v. In the morning we will givo you
a reception, at which the Mayor will be I
present.' "I much prefer the hospital- i
ity extended by a great, city, even of j
the plainest character to the finest room j
and bed in a hotel," tho craulc politely
responded, and retired to his allotted j
rooui without the light yf a jandle, aud j
the policeman sat for hours reading the
lifu of Hancock.
In the morning tlit "General" came '
from his cell, and iu the best of language
profusely thanked the hospitable citizens I
saying he must now depart for Washing- I
ton, where he had been for ten years j
trying to get his back-pay as "General,' |
but upon solicitation he consented to j
await His Honor's arrival. When tho j
Mayor arrived, tne "General" unfold- j
ed to him his past life, as follows : "I
xv as in Florida during the war at tho
navy-yard, where 1 studied for the posi
tion of'Major-General.' After the war
1 left Florida and went to Norfolk where
' I was made 'Major-General.' I then
went to Washington, aud since that time
j I have bceu elected President, but !
would not serve, preferring to bo a 'Ma
jor-General.' The officials of Washing
| ton have been experimenting with me
for all these years, and I have uut ool
j lee ted one cent of all my pay as "Ma
j jor-Gencral. lam now on my nay to
that city, aud it shall be cither back
pay or blood."
The Mayor said lie was soriy the
General and cx-Prcsident was having
such a hard time, especially when Pros
dent Arthur was off ou a frolic in Fkir
da, aud giving him a quarter to buy a
breakfast, 11 is Honor told him not to re
pine, but to strike onward. The "Gen
, oral" thanking the Mayor for j
his hospitality, Ac., said that with "On
to Washington and Hack-Pay" on bis
banner, ho won Id move on, and left.
Another "crank" contcmpted the "re- i
moval" or "elimination" of somebody ;
in Washington.
A Cf.iNcllKß.—While teaching in a '
western county in Vermont, in making
my first visit to my "constituents," I I
came into conversation with au aucieut i
lady, who had taken up her residence ,
in the "backwoods." Of course the
school and former teachers came in for 1
criticism : and the old lady, in speaking '
of mv predecessor, asked :
"Wa'al master, what do yer think
he larnt the schollards ?"
"Couldn't, say, ma'am; pray what
did he teach ?'
"Wa'al, he teld 'em that this 'ere 1
airth was round , au' went around : all \
that sort o' thing. Now master, what do j
you think about sieh stuff Don't yeu |
think lie was an ignorant feller
Unwilling to come under tho category '
of the ignoraini, I evasively remark- j
ed .
"It really did seems strange . but still
1 there are liuny learned ;ncu who teach
I these things."
"Wa'al," says she, if the airth is
round, mid goes round, what holds ill
up ?"
"0, these learned men say that it j
goes arouud the sun, and that
tho sun hol!s it up by virtue of
the law of attraction."
The old lady lowed her specs," and,
byway of climax, responded :
j "Wa'al, if these high-larut men sez
I the sun holds up the airth I should like
iu know what holds the airth up when
I the sun goes down ?"
This was a clincher. I remarked
that it was a very mysterious
subject, and wc might take the "world,
as it oomes.".
The difference between an American
and an African wilderness is, that one
is full of black bears, aud the other is
full of bare blacks.
A lluston man has a statute of the
mother of Moses, who, it will be remoui
: bcred, left hiiu in the bulrushes without
' bottle—aud it is said to have a modern
chignon.
A bachelor editor, who had a pretty
unmarried sister, lately wroto to another
editor similarly circumstanced, "Please I
exchange."
NO. 45
! Symptoms of Old nuldiam
| A Scotch paper thus details tliom : '
When a woman begins to driukihor Un
I without sugar ; that s a symptom.
When a woman begins to re*d love
! stories a bed ; that's a syuiptom.
When a wotnau gives a sigh or. hear-
I ingof a wedding ; that's a symptom.
»\ lien a woman* begins to say that
she's refused many an sffcr ; liiui'n a
[ symptom.
W hen a woman begins to go to bed
i with Iter stockings and «r flannel night
cap ou ; that's a symptom.
\V hen a woman begius to change her
shoos every time she ccuies iat> the
| house after a walk ; tbm'a a symp
i tußl.
When a wot nan beifiws to say what a
d'cadful set of creatures men are, and
that she wouldn't be botlmrod with one
j for all the world ; that's a syuiptoui.
When a woman begins to say that a
! servant has no business to have a sweet-
I heart; that's a symptom.
When a woman begius to rub her fin
gers ovor the chairs and tables to see if
they arc dusty ; that's a symptom.
When a woman begins to put her fin-
I gcrs before her month when she's talking
j to any one, for fear they should see
I she's losing ber teeth, that's a syiup
j torn.
| When a woman begins to take rheo
matisiu in her kuces and elbows; that's
i u syuitpom.
When a woman bogies to fiud fault
, with her looking-glass, sad says it
doesn't show the features right; that's
a symptom.
When a woman begins balking about
cold drafts, and stops up all the crevices
of the doors aud windows ; that's a>
symptom.
liut, what of it 1 Better be an ohl :
maid, than make a feelisb or unloving
marriage.
Commence.
"You say you have confidence in'
. Cookem, the plaintiff Mr. Smith 1 "'
"Yes, sir."
"State to the court,, if" yon picas®,,
what caused tlris feeling of. aonfi
dcnce."
"Why, you see. sir, there's altera re
ports 'bout eatin'-bouse men, and
I used to kinder think—"
"Never mind what you thought—tell,
us what you know."
"Well, sir, one day I goes down to
Coekem's shop, ait' set I to the waiter,
'waiter,' sez 1, 'give us a weal,
pie.'"
"Well, sir, proceed."
"Well, Just then Mr. Ceokeui cornea
! up, aud sez he, 'How du, Smith, what
you going to hev ?' •'
" 'Weal pie,' sei I."
"•Good,' says he,'l'll take one too;*
so he sets down and eats one of his weal
pios right afore me."
"Did that cause your confidence in
hiin t"
"Yes, indeed, sir; when an eatin'-
house keeper sots down afore his cus
tomers and deliberately eats his owa
weal pies, no man refuse' to feel confi
dent—it shows hiiu to be an hoc est
man."
An lowa man traded his wife for a
shuck mattress and a bottle of niuci
lagc.
A man might as well try to lose but
tons from a coat of paint as to talk rea
son to bigots.
Madder colors red. This is the rea
! son why tlio M adder you get the redder
j you grow.
Uurdette, of the Hurlington Hmokeye,
relates some of his early newspaper cx
| poricnee as follows: "When I first got
j at it the printers would draw lots for my
copy, and those who got a sliee of it
; would go around trying to hire a hoy t«
kick them down stairs und break their
necks, llowover, there was one fellow
| who thirsted after it, and when he got
! a piece of it he immediately put on a 'sub
' and went out and got drank. Under
any other circumstances ho would have
j been discharged. Ido better now. I
| bad to, because it hud almott broken op
i the printers' tcmpcrenee union. The
: patrons of the cause in Uuriingtan traced
I the thing back to me, and 1 bad to iui
' prove my copy. It didn't hurt me niueh
hut it was a terrible blow ou the printers.
Judging from the evidence, the TewVs
burv (Mass.) Almshouse should be callod
i the Tewkesburyslaughterhou.se.—BuU.
| Jlmerican.
A Washingtos man named King has
invented a suicide pellet. They are of
the size of a capsule, and are flavored
to suit any taste. When swallowed by
the victim the moisturo of the stomaok
1 causes theui to explode—aiul the "»*r
| is Uowu toatuuia.