Newspapers / The Goldsboro Headlight (Goldsboro, … / March 12, 1890, edition 1 / Page 7
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ARE YOU LOOKING THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. DIPLOMACY. Tramp "Please, can you give a poor man a little something to eat? But I don't want no bread, please." Woman "You don't want no bread, eh ? I guess you ain't starving. You can jist get along out of here." "Wait till I explain, madam. You see the woman next door just now give me a piece of paving-stone for bread, and as she sai J she was the best breadmaker on this street "' "The lest breadmaker on this street? Jist you come right in here, my poor man, and I'll show you what good bread really is. Lord, how some people does brag!" Terre Haute Eatm. Great Clearing-Out Sale (Ml STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNKY MEN OF THE PRESS. TtTTB V 9 AlUMi ; The Weather Commendable Cau tion The Terror's Substitute A Personal Remark, Etc., Etc. The foolish man goes to his daily work With a glance at the morning sky, Raying low to himself, with a happy smile: "This day will be surely dry." Then he robes himself in his best silk hat And jauntily swings his cane; But at night he sneezes and coughs and foans the "grip' that he caught in the rain. The wise matt looks out on the sunny sky And smiles in sarcastic glee, Then he rolls up his gossamer overcoat He doesn't want the "grip," not he. So he lugs his Umbrella and overshoes In the place of his dainty cane. And he meets all the girls that he ever knew, For thero isn't a drop of rain. New Ycrk Nerca. vn W 7T 1 1 U fa Ha?$ It For -Everybody I The Rich as well as the Poor can be Hnlll!. 5 Benefitted in Making Their Purchases of Us. WE HAVE JUST OPENED And invite your careful inspection. We know the price will please and as far as style and durability con cerns, our stock will be We are Receiving on Every Train PARLOR FURNITURE. CMAflBER FURNITURE, HALL FURNITURE, KITCHEN FURNITURE, & eatta: M stresses and afes and BYEBYTHHTG TODEB PRICE Because we don't intend to keep the3o Goods we shall move them as fast as they come in. You shall soon find out that we are the Champion Furniture Dealers Of this section, and we defy the suggestion of competition. We iiavc got the sleek and we are ironic to sell it. Call and see us and be convinced that m mm every word that we say. It is our aim to make a panic in the Jj'urniture trade, and ws will i v nynu UTriJ rm tr liiiuun man rm What are you waiting tr ? Why aro you throwing your money ; v.-ay when you can save a great deal of it by trading with us Our Store is HEW, Our goods in the latest fashion, Our Stock is VERY LARGE, jSlzicS. Best of All v? vrjiJX EjflgvSj" &53E2S V fcksSSS &GS23 U ,We can supply you with a com Vioto line of Furniture at such figures 25 charged by well T yy ay a 1YA iii i (Summerfxeld's aOOlSL 0"lXt fbr "tlLO SiSTIl . rv'1 , u i i ii , TUB G-OLDS30I30 STEAM FURNITURE COMFY I J THIS SBASOI, G-OODS, I Sideboards: - known Northern Old Stand,) i wr V WHAT SHE CAUGHT. Stella "You mean old thing! I've a notion never to speak to you again. You went off skating with "Willie Dunn and never asked me to go along. I hope you caught a good cold !" Minnie "But I didn't. I caught Willie.' Time. COMMENDABLE CAUTION. Miss Dolliver (to the new girl) "Noreena, throw this water out of the window; but be sure you look out. (Ten seconds later.) "What's the mat ter?" Noreena "I looked out, mum, and I saw the water go all over as tine a gen tleman as you'd care to meet." Puck. A PERSONAL REMARK. Tawker "To write successfully, writ ers have only to convey their ideas to the readers in the clearest and most direct way." Writer "But suppose a writer has no ideas to convey ; what then ?" Tawker "Don't interrupt me, please. I'll get around to your particular case presently." Yankee Blade. THE TEREOIi's SUBSTITUTE. - . The Terror "You're sister's beati, ain't you?" The Beau (dude persuasion) ""Why, yes. Do you like me?" "You bet I do. When papa gets onto you, you'll take some of his attention from me. It will be real jolly to see him playing see-saw with you in the woodshed. " Ph Vudelphla Inquirer, NOT ENCOURAGING. He "By Jove, it's the best thing I've ever painted! audl'll tell you what; I've n good mind to give it to Mary Morrison for her wedding present." His Wife "Oh, but. my love, the Morrisons have always been so hospitable to us! You ought to give her a real present, you know a fan, or scent bot tle, or .omething of that sort." Boston Budget. A SURE REMEDY. "Did you ever call upon Dr. Banquet, professionally?" "Yes, once. I was drowning." "Drowning?" "Yes. He diagnosticated my case on the instant and wrote a prescription on a chip which he threw into the water where I could get it." "What was the prescription?" "Swim." Life. A DOMESTIC MONOPOLIST. Mr. Billius sat iu an easy chair occupy ing the only available space in front of the fire, with his feet sprawled out on two other chairs, and scowled at his wife. "Maria," he said, "with all the furni ture we have in this house it does seem to me we might afford at least one foot stool." "Would the; earth suit you, John?" said Mrs. Billius quietly. Chicago Tri hine. THE YOUNG KNOW EVERYTHING. Husband "Well, I believe I'll have to go to the public library. I can't find in my encyclopedia what I want." Wife "Is it very important?" "Yes, dear, it is very important. I can't finish my article without it. But in the public library I think I will be able to find the authorities that I want." "Hadn't you better wait, dear, till John comes home from the grammar school? He might be able to give you the information you want." Boston Courier. FELT IT COMING ON. Mamma (to family physician) "Doc tor, what are the svmptoms of this in fluenza?" Physician "It begins in many cases, madam, with a feeling of languor an in disposition to any kind of exertion " Willie (setting down the coal bucket) "I can feel it coming on, mamma." Physician "And a total inability to eat anything " Willie (picking up the coal bucket again with great promptness) "But I don't think I'm going to have it very bad." Chicago Tribune. SHOCKING TO RELATE. The conversation had turned on popu lar superstitions when one of the compa ny remarked: "It is well, however, not to be too in credulous. I had an uncle who, at the age of seventy-seven, one day committed the imprudence of sitting down to dinner when bv doing so he made thirteen at table."" "And he died the next day?" was somebody's breathless query. "No; but on the very self-same day thirteen years afterward." A perceptible shudder ran through the party. Judge. SELF-DEFENSE. The police judge declared that the hotel clerk had acted in self-defense and was therefore discharged. This is the way it occurred : A man went into a hotel, and, after registering started up to his room. "Hold on," said the clerk. "What's the matter?" the man asked. "You haven't paid for your room. Our rule is that people who have no bag gage must pay in advance." 4 'But I have baggage." "You have not, sir." "I say I have, for don't you see I've got the 'grip?' " The clerk shot him, and was dis charged, as above stated. Arlxtmaw Traveler. A STRANGE COINCIDENCE. Jack "I never heard of a more re markable coincidence in my life. I al ways used to say that I wouldn't marry a woman unless she had money ; but when I saw Miss Nelliwell I fell iu love and was bound to have her, money or no money, as in fact I told her at the time I asked her for her hand." Harry "But how about the coinci dence?" Jack "Oh, yes, it turns out that she has a fortune in her own right ; so, you see, I'm to marry a woman with money, as I always said I would." Harry "It is a little odd, that's a fact. And you didn't know that she had any until after you asked her to marry yon?" Jack "Oh, no; I'm no such fool as that. I found out about the money the day before I proposed." Boston. Tran script. WHERE GENIUS DIDN'T WORK. He was just a plain tramp, un adulterated with soap, and he carried over his shoulder a wooden snow-shovel several sizes too big for him. He pulled the bell in a business-like way and when she opened the door he said : "Are you a Christian?" "Ye-es" (in surprise). "And do you believe that honest, ear nest endeavor should be rewarded?" "Ye-es." " Heretofore I've had u large and lu crative practice in my profession, but this year the elements are against me. I know there's no snow on the premises, but it's going to rain this afternoon, and rain hard. Now I'll come back and shovel the rain off your sidewalk for a quarter if you'll give me ten cents ad vance money. Is it a go?" "Yes, it's a go," she said, as she jlammed the door in his face. "And they say that genius and tact win every time," he sighed, as he shuttled ilown the stoop. Philadelphia Inquirer. A PROPOSITION IN PITYSIC:. The husband of a Professor of Physics at a young ladies' advanced school was putting on his clothes the other ;noining, and his wife was lecturing on ber favorite subject. "The whole is always greater than a part," she remarked with confidence. "Always?" he inquired, sticking his foot, into his sock. "Always," she answered with em phasis. "I think not," he rejoined in a quietly aggravating tone. "But I say it is," she asservated. "For example, my dear" ami he held up his foot "my foot, is a part of my body, but the hole in the sock is not larger than the part. You will observe that the part cannot get quite through it at this moment. But, my love," and his voice softened, "by to-night I think your proposition will be correct." Then he put on his shoes and com pleted his toilet in the midst of a silence that could be bent double before it could bo broken. Merchant Traveler. A Toilin? Millionaire. Cornelius Vanderbilt is at his office in the Grand Central station ahead of some of the Central's clerks. He works six times harder than any one of them. lie has a dozen meetings of Directors on hand nearly every day in the week with all their conflicting interests and myriads of important details. He could not work harder if he really wanted to earn the in terest on his individual fortune of $100. 000,000. After a long day of this monot onous drudgery, he frequently lectures at night to the Young Men's Christian Association and other bodies of the sanio character. On other nights he dances until nearly dawn. He was in every ! dance at the McAllister ball. But the lectures and the dances are in a measure recreations, and they revivify him for the daily struggle to retain his immense for tune. It is well known that the Old Commodore and William II. after him, remarked that it was "easy enough to cret rich in New York. It requires a I daily Gettysburg, a Seven -Years' War, a ; stern battle every day to keep your for j tune after you get it, and to scuttle and ward eff the pirates and brigands bent I on getting it from you." Chatter. I A young ' man may have .the worst memory on record, but he will not forget i to remove the price mark from the pres ent he buys for his best girl if the arti cle cost "loss than 810. On the other hand, he may have the best memory in the world, but if the present costs $25 the price mark is inadvertently overlooked. ' Norristoun Herald's. i . v.,- FtTCHTJ.ES & MM, THIS IS THE DULL SEASON, and it is time for you to make every Dollar do its full duty. All dollars have the same value at a bank, but you will find that you can BUY MORE GOODS r-i with your Dollar if spent AT OUR STORE, than you can purchase elsewhere for the same amount. TRY IT AND SEE ! vt if we are not right. The Cold Weather Has Arrived, and probably has come to stay for some time. Of course vou are in need of Clothing, 'Shoes am DRESS GOODS, UNDERWEAR, Etc., to keep you warm. There is no better place to buy such goods than of us. OUR LINES ARE COMPLETE. We have them in every imaginable quality, but at extremely low prices. Q,uick Sales and Small Profits is our motto, and if you only will visit our vast establishment we are sure that we can save you many a dollar these hard limes. TJS Polite and attentive salesmen alwayi in attendance. Bast Centre St. foils All WHOLESALE AND KEEPS CONSTANTLY ON Him FAMIEaY FABMEES5 "ErPFMUS. Including, Oats, Bran, Hay, Ship Stuff, Corn, Meal, Flour, Meat, Sugar, Coffee, Molasses, &c. 'ALSO AGENT FOR THE- GeiBM Dorta Bull Fertilizers. SEE ME SEFQE i Boots, to, w. a Competitors! RETAIL. DEALER IN . BAND A FULL LINE OF AND- t ,- G0LDSB0K0. N. C. J in. gZSSrJLi'JLi' ''-'T"-' " - i 4
The Goldsboro Headlight (Goldsboro, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
March 12, 1890, edition 1
7
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