THE PINEHURST OUTLOOK.
Not So Funny as lie Thought.
Impudence occasionally meets with its
just reward, and probably none would
envy the feelings of the youth who,
when Sir Evelyn Wood was appointed
quartermaster-general of the British
forces, attempted to show his wit at the
expense of his wisdom.
Sir Evelyn was little known at the of
fice, and it -happened that some of the
clerks in a certain room were engaged in
"larking" when a quiet-looking gentle
man walked in. The most impudent of
the young men, thinking that the stran
ger was a visitor who had by mistake
come into the wrong room, demanded in
a peremptory voice:
"What is your business here?"
"My business," repeated the stranger,
in a tone of mingled surprise and stern
ness. "Yes sir: your business," persisted the
clerk.
"It is with the duke," was the answer.
"He has been suddenly summoned to
Windsor, and Lord Wolseley's in bed
with the mumps," ventured the young
man, bent on carrying on his joke at the
expense of the inexperienced stranger,
as he deemed him.
"Your name, sir," demanded the stran
ger, in an imperative tone.
"My name is Plantagenet Zama, dis
tant relation to her Gracious Majesty."
"Indeed ; and mine is Sir Evelyn Wood.
I am quartermaster-general of the forces,
and I see now how her Majesty is
served."
The unfortunate clerk, who was not
yet aware that his impudence had cost
him dear, looked around with a grin,
expecting to meet with applause for his
talent, and became suddenly aware that
his companions were working away with
the most extraordinary earnestness. In
stantly the full force of the situation
dawned upon him.
"Horrors!" he ejaculated. "I took
you for a crank with a grievance !" and
then he subsided. Youth's Companion.
Queer Articles Patented.
A Vermont man has applied for letters
patent on a mechanical device under the
workings of which a bell rings automat
ically when the water in which eggs are
boiled reaches the ebullition point. An
inventor at Helena, MonM has patented
a horseshoe sharpener. Two ladies of
Harrisburg, in Pennsylvania, have pat
ented, jointly, a "serving maid's step-
ladder," guaranteed not to upset when
in use. A Wisconsin man has patented
a collapsible coffin, separated into sub
sections and as portable as ahandsatchel.
A Minnesota man has patented a disap
pearing visor or peak whereby mechani
cally a soldier's hat may be turned into a
polo cap by pressing a button to be found
over the left ear. A more practical in
vention is t hat of an axe the handle of
which is held in position by a roughened
metal handle hole which makes "slip
ping oft" impossible, and a Uhode Island
er has devised an electric nail the attrac
tive power of the head of which gives in
ordinate power to the hammer. N. Y.
Sun.
PUNGENCIES.
Ambiguity.
Fogg says that should any one ask him
the meaning of the word "ambiguous,"
he would point to this sentence : "The
merchant failed to
Boston Transcript.
make money.
"When I get utterly low-spirited,"
said the nervous man, "I find a spin on
my wheel does me a world of good."
"It is the exercise," said his friend. "I
think not. I am so glad to get home
alive that I feel good all the rest of the
day. '"'Indianapolis Journal.
I did my best to be entertaining,"
said the young man, in a voice of sorrow.
"Did you succeed?" "I'm afraid not. I
recited Hamlet's soliloquy. She looked
at me reproachfully for several seconds,
and then exclaimed, 'I don't think that's
very funny!'" Washington Star.
Recently a public school teacher wrote
the sentence, "Them boys are sliding
down hill," and requested some one
in the school to "correct and why."
One bright youngster held up his hand,
and, on being asked, said : "Correction :
Those boys are sliding down hill. Why :
Because they can't slide up." Journal of
Education.
A Boston firm of book publishers re
ceived by mail a request for a book,
entitled "Who is jrour Schoolmaster?"
by Edward Eggleston. "The Hoosier
Schoolmaster" was promptly forwarded,
and it proved to be the desired book.
Another firm of booksellers received a
request for a book on "Soshel Etikette"
that would "learn a lady how to behave
in fashnable sowsiety." Exchange.
This new Oliver Ilerford story is
afloat. After some of his best verses
submitted to the editor of Life had been
twice returned, he sent them in for a
third time with this note : "My dear Mr.
Mitchell, During your recent absence
from your office, your office-boy has been
returning masterpieces, one of which I
enclose. Please remit at your earliest
convenience." This "fetched" the ed
itor, and the verses went through.
Exchange
The things Hixon does during his fre
quent attacks of absent-mindedness are
of a character that gives his friends grave
fear. The other day he came out of his
house, walked to the edge of the pave
ment, threw his right leg into the air
with a vaulting movement, and fell
sprawling to the ground. A friend, who
came along in time to witness this singu
lar performance, said to him, "Why,
Hixon, what in tune do you mean by
such a performance?" Hixon got up
brushing the dirt from his garments, and
rubbing his bruises; while he said:
"Well, I thought 1 was getting on my
wheel. I forgot that I didn't have the
wheel with me!" Bazar.
A traveller was riding on one of the
coaches in the Trossachs of Scotland,
when the driver said to him : "I've had
a coin guv to me to-dav 200 years old.
Did you ever see a coin 200 years old?'
"Oh, yes," was the reply. "I have my
self one 2,000 years old." "Ah," said
the driver, "have ye?" And he spoke
no more during the rest of the journey.
When the coach arrived at its distination
the driver came up to the man with an
intensely self-satisfied air and paid: "
told you as we came along that I had i
com 200 years old." "Yes." "And you
said to me as you had one 2,000 years
old." "Yes, so I have." "Now you be
a liar!" "What do you mean by that?'
"What do I mean? Why it's only 1899
now !" Ijnndon Answers.
.The Pine Grove House.
PINEHURST, N. C.
TV7TLL be open with home com.
' forts such as New Engend
ers like, for a limited number of
people who are obliged by health
or inclination to leave their homes
for a salubrious climate such as
PINEHURST, N. C, can claim.
For such, I. A. FLINT, of the
Stone Farm House, N. Head
ing, Mass., (known as a pleasant
place to board during the heated
term) will be at the Pine Grove
House, to welcome.
TERMS, $8.00 TO $12.00 PER WEEK.
1-::'. ft
-- 1 ' 1 -1 "" "
DEPARTMENT STORE,
PINEHURST, N. C.
DEPT.
A Drugs and Propiietary Medicines.
B Dry Goods and Notions.
C Gents' Furnishings, Hats and Caps.
D Boots, Shoes and Rubber Goods.
E Fancy and Heavy Groceries.
F Fresh Meats in Cold Storage.
C Hardware, Stoves and Tinware.
DEPT.
H Crockery and Glassware.
J Furniture.
K Electric Supplies.
L Plumbing Supplies.
M Grain, Hay and Feed Stuffs.
N Paints, Oils and Varnishes.
O Silverware, Souvenirs and Toys.
GROCERIES.
We carry full lines of Faucy and Heavy Groceries such brands and
assortments as are handled by New England grocers.
Dry Goods and Shoes.
The Dry Goods and Shoe Departments are complete. Stock bought in
Northern markets. Quality our standard for selection.
Meat and Fish Market.
Poultry, Game, Fish, Oysters and Meats of all kinds constantly in stock.
Western Meats handled in cold storage.
Hats, Caps and Gents' Furnishings.
The latest styles of Hats, Caps and Gents' Furnishings carried in stock.
Stationery.
A full line of Stationery, both printed and plain, will be found in this
department.
'
"The Concord
tt
and
"The Lenox"
PINEHURST, N. C
These houses will be open November 1, 185)9, for the accommodation of those who seek a
healthful Winter Home. The same personal attention will be given to the wishes and
tastes of guests as was accorded to those of "The Concord" last season.
Good Table, Comfortable Beds, Electric Lights, Pure Spring Water, Unrivalled Climate. Electric
Cars pass the Door. Terms: $8.00 to $12.00 Per Week.
j8"Special Rates to those who take rooms for the entire season. Address
J. MILTON ROBINSON,
Pinehurst, N. C.
The Outlook
Will be sent postpaid to any address in the
United States or Canada
SIX MONTHS FOR F?IF?TY CENTS.
Sample copies sent on receipt of address.
SUBSCRIBE NOW. SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS.