DTH SPORTSATURDAY 10/28/06
Top-10 list of coaches
to replace Bunting
"'T TT "Tith head football coach
l/\/ John Bunting assum-
V V ing lame-duck status
and five games remaining, UNC
needs to start wooing possible
replacements before other teams
fire their coaches at the end of the
season and start looking.
To help out Athletic Director
Dick Baddour, here’s a list of
the top 10 candidates to replace
Bunting.
10. Mia Hamm.
“Bend it Like Beckham” meets
“Blitz ’Em Like Belichick.” Hamm
might have played the other
species of football, but she’s a
Thr Heel who scores like Austin
Powers, signs major endorsement
deals and wins World Cups.
9. Al Pacino and Denzel
Washington
“Any given Sunday, you’ll
remember the Thr Heels.” Pacino
would inspire his players while
battling alcoholism ala Bob
Huggins, and Denzel would
teach the team to build chemistry
through the magic of Motown.
Franklin Street merchandising
profits would skyrocket when they
started selling “Scarface” action
figures in Carolina-blue suits.
8. Mr. T.
“I pity the fool who lines up
against us.” By reinventing him
self as Mr. T.D., he would mold
the UNC program into a real
grade A-Team.
7. Willie Parker
“Fast Willie Parker, Clinton
High School.” The Pittsburgh
Steelers’ star tailback would most
likely love replacing the coach
who never played him. All he has
to do first is end a blossoming
NFL career by entering retire
ment with Tiki Barber and accept
the job. It’s not like he’s defending
A Super Bowl Title or anything.
6. Larry Coker
“Men, for inspiration tonight,
we’re watching a highlight tape of
Ron Artest, Jermaine O’Neal and
Stephen Jackson.” Once Coker
loses his job at Miami, he can turn
the Thr Heels into the best com
bination of violence and football
since the XFL or NFL Blitz.
5. Chuck Norris
“Personal foul, on the defense,
for upsetting Chuck Norris.
All the distance to the goal.
Tbuchdown, North Carolina.”
Msk 1 ”'""
SAM ROSENTHAL
SON, I'M CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. SAWY?
Chuck Norris’ players don’t
break tackles. They break tacklers.
4. Stuart Scott
“I’m Stuart Scott, and welcome
to Smith Center. Whoops, Kenan
Stadium. My bad /all.”
Chapel Hill’s own, Scott would
be a great coach. He’d use his
ESPN connections to ensure that
every UNC game is nationally
televised, and all of his trademark
lines would appear daily in some
stellar campus publication.
3. Colin Powell
“This is Operation Desert
Storm the Field and Rip Down
the Uprights.” From national
security adviser to secretary of
state to head football coach is
actually a very logical progres
sion: Army bigwigs excel at bol
stering the defenses and boosting
recruiting. If he can beat Saddam,
he can beat State.
2. Gary the Pit Preacher
“And on the eighth day, the
Lord helped the Tar Heels cover
the spread.” The Pit Preacher
would be a great option for UNC,
as his oratory skills would cer
tainly fire the team up. Although
he’d only start white, upstanding
Christian players, Gary’s secret
weapon “The play-Book” fea
tures seven versions of the Hail
Mary, a Christ-Cross pattern and
a run blitz called Judgment Day.
1. Roy Williams
“Salvation’ is spelled ‘R-O
Y’.” Sure, Williams might be just
one man, but that won’t stop
him from coaching two teams to
NCAA Championships.
And there could be a second
Late Night. Imagine the offensive
line loosening up your buttons
and bringing sexy back.
Roy cleaned up Matt Doherty’s
mess like a Swiffer Wet Jet, and
he’ll go five-star hotel maid on the
pigsty of a situation that Bunting’s
leaving behind.
As always, Roy’s No. 1.
Contact Sam Rosenthal
at schwaggles@aol.com.
“Were going to finish as hard as we possibly can. That's
what I'm about That's the way I was raised. That's what
Carolina taught me.'' john bunting at Monday's press conference
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