The Tenth Mrs. Tulkington BY Ellis Parker Butler" , ■ ' / Author of “The Bwobaior Beby," “Confeoehmo ot » Daddy,” “That Pep," “Cheer, tol Smugglers," “Bed Head,” “DoMlnle Dmol” "Goat’s Feathers,” "PhUoCtobb” “Pipe b Pint- “la Parra.” etc. ♦ Oopulfht by United Future Syndicate ELLIS PARKER BUTLER— EDITORIALLY SPEAKING I do not believe there are many People In thle country who need an introduction to Ellis Parker Butler, whole first fame arrived with a little etory called “Pigs .Js PiRS.” That fame has been grow ing steadily ever since with his many books, short stories and moving pictures. He has lectured, too. In all parts of the United States and is. per haps, best known as one of our most popular humorists, though he writes Action of a serious and interesting nature, also. He says he Is one of the few American writers who did not begin his liter ary training on a newspaper. He was bom in Muscatine,. la., and went East about JS> years ago. He Is very modest about himself. It Is difficult to get him to SMI you anything, but I finally did extract that he Is m£rrled-*hd thus fully qualified to write for the Star Au thor Series of Matrimonial Adven tures—has four children; two of ■whom are twins;: and that when he Is not writing he would like to be fishing; and that he is much Inter ested in the cultivation of tulips. You have an understanding when you are talking to him of the great popularity of his work, for he sees the little, kindly, human points of life in a humorous way that never hurts—and with such amazing In sight. too. Ho Is constructively entertaining. “The Tenth Mrs. Tulklngton” Is a humorous story—yes, but hgsn't It a serious side? mart stewart cutting, jr. I. My only excuse for throwing George Tlthers Into the lily-pool at midnight Is that I thought he was my wife ■Susan. As a president of a bank and a highly respected and weighty citi zen I most seriously object to being ealled “Baldy,” and I particularly ob ject to being slapped gaily on the top of my head with an open hand. Or «ny other kind of hand. And I be lieved this Tlthers person—my wife’s brother, I’m ashamed to say—was in Europe. Naturally, then, when I had been dreaming that my wife \yas standing above me In a divorce court, denouncing me to the Judge, and de clartngrthpt oven the sight of my bald head had come to be nauseating to her, my first thought—when I felt the slap on the head nnd heard, “Wlmt bp, Boldy!”—was that Susan was at tacking me. In an Instant I had leaped from the marble bench and had grappled with my attacker. George Tlthers cried out a moment too late, for Iliad already given a mighty heave mid had thrown him full length Into the lily-pond. As my mistake became apparent to me as I saw George Others coming out of the lily-pond on his hands and knees, I apologized frankly. f “I beg your pardon,” I said; “I thought you were ray wife.” “Rather! I should think so'.”, George said as he emerged and shook himself like a dog. “But It's not n nice way to treat a lady, Tulky; Is It, now? Wtfe drowning Isn’t done In the best circles any more, you know. But, I say: Has It come to this, really? The little gray home In the' West must ’ be off Its feed, what ?” Now, my home Is not gray and It Is not In the \Yest; It Js white marble and on Long Island; but I let that pass. GeorgeTlthers had —In fils silly ■way—put Ills finger on the exact fact; onr home was “bit Its feed.” as he chose to ,say, and entirely off Its feed. I made Geofge remain where he 'was while I explained tie matter 7ully nnd to Its least detail. Toward the end of the first half hour, as the night grew chilly, lilt teeth began to chatter arid a little later he sneezed many times, with gradually Increasing violence, hut he listened patiently. This deep ened my thbught that Georg* and’ his precious •' i 'vWfe'‘'muSt !l b4r : tfead btotte again, but have evbri-h dead-broke brother-in-law : shear? i the truth about,.Susah and piysejf. ..That tcrith wafi that after twenty yej|rg of ip|arrled life we hated each other. As a matter of fact the reason I was on •fife marble bench by the lily-pool at midnight was because I had told Susan I would never again spend an hour under the same,roof with her, apd that tomorrow we would begin seemly but Immediate , preparation* for a separation and divorce: /Lhnd meant to spend thjej nfeljt oij £hst mas- Ijle bench. '• - ' • > - A ■ j“I say!” George exclaimed between sneezes, when I had concluded. “The little' old trduble has become quite a snorter, what? Jolly frill time the doc tor was called, yes? Arrived in the Bleb of time, didn’t I, Tullty? And, I gay, do you mind If I .ensconce myself In the pop! a bit?- The water seems a bit warmer ttran the air.” The Idiot, I do ieli^e,'would'h*ve gonp b#cfeJnfp tpp, popishut that pre don* wife of his came, out looking for 1 bhe ghe teemed to tako his lily-pool pools ya* h mld t nighj l ’‘filly no “doubtit JigV** “Bathing, Georger «he said, after ■be had greeted ’me—kissed me, mind you I “Be s pre to have a brisk rub before yotr turn in. And you can come Into ‘.the house now, Augustus; Susan has' explained everything and the chauffeur is sleeping In the kitchen. Susan has taken bis room In the garage; temporarily, I hope, but It 1* a' very comfortable room. You do treat your servants well, Augustus. It Is a lovely trfait." “Susan attends to the servants,” I ■aid reluctantly. . “Doe|, she? She does everything so well, doesn’t she?”, said George Tith ers’ wife. I might have said, 111 reply to that, “Too confounded well!” but I did not “The trouble,” said George, when he had poured himself a chill-preventer, ■ls that Susan is a wife in a million, ni say In eight million. You told her she was a wife In a million, didn’t you, ojd top, when you were a newly-wed?" “‘None of y#ur business!” I growled. “Ah! He confesses!” said George Tlthers. “And now, Gussie, me lad, because she Is Just that —a wife In a million wives exkctly like her —you are sore. What? Bored! Biting the old fingernails with ennui! Dead sick of dear old Sue, and dear old Sue dead sick of nice old GustuS! The trouble with you and Sue t me lad, Is that you need a couple of stage-managers. That’s trouble Number One. And trouble Number Two hangs on it— you’re both natural bigamists—” “Stop right there!" I cried. “Like all of us! Lire all of us!" said George. "JVot another word!” I exclaimed, exceedingly angry. “Whoa up!” George said then. "Stop here! The boss says stop. We’re through, Amelia. I'only meant to tell him of Lord A!gy and Lady Mercedes, but he says ‘stop!’ and we stop!” “Oh, Lord Algy and Lady Mercedes!" exclaimed George’s wife. “The hap piest two people! Such a happy pair!" “Always marrying! Always marry and gay, what?" The poor wretch laughed heartily at his miserable puq. “So cheery - and happy I Always di vorcing each other and marrying some body else, and marrying each othef again so gayly!" exclaimed Amelia. ' "Because a man'gets tired of the dear old wife after twenty years, even if she Is my sister,” said George. “And of the dear old reliable hus band, even if he Is the most respect able old baldy,” said Amelia, “Especially If he is the same dear old reliable husband," George correct ed her. “It’s the blessed routine that warps ’em, don’t you think?” “Rather!” said Amelia heartily. "It’s like being married to the bally old Westminster Abbey, what?” said George. “Act of parliament needed to penult even the riotous Innovation of a new tombstone. Not a new hair on Old Bald-Top In thirteen years! Not a new-style hic-cough out of dear old Susie since the wedding bells 1” “Stop It!” X cried Irritably, for he was patting the top of my head, the silly donkey. “Leave my head alone 1 What about this Lord Algy and this Lady Mercedes—if you must talk?” "Oh, they’re Just off-agaln on-agaln gay little mnrriers, Augustus!” George said. ‘‘Tired of one wife, get another; tired of one husband, get It’s done In their circle. A man does get tired of the same old wife. Routine stuff, if you get trie. Deadly monotony, what? Sick of the sight of her; hat* her—what?” » “It’s in us," said Amelia placidly. “The bigamy thing, I mean. Any man who can afford It and Is not restrained by convention or his ethics hops about a bit; has a variety. King Solomon, the sultan, Henry Eighth, Lord Byron And Tithy, here.” "In away of speaking," said Tlthen modestly. “And myself, Tithy,” said Amelia, “In a wny of speaking, ah you remark, darling. And Cleopatra, and the queen of Sheba—by all accounts.” “Now» stop this nonsense!” I said, “You know, both of you, that you do not run about after other men and women—” “Well, rather not!” cried George “He don’t get uk, Amelin; he’s a bll dense. Tell him.” “Marriage,”’ said Amelia, “is almost never a failure; married life Is. Mar rlage Is the first Joining of two people together, and Jolly sport it Is with the getting acquainted intimately, rubbing sharp points together, and all. Some ttjn’ Interestin’ all the while, whntl then, In a few years—five, maybe; or/ten, ortwenty—comes married life; ’ tt»e ‘.routlrie Stuff. Awful bore, some times; samp old' wife; same old hus band’; safnie old ways and everything! Nothing new ! They get jolly well sick of each other, and no wonder,” ,"A man—a man with ai business to attend to—can't be running around divorcing bis wife every day or so,” 1 said. . “Crickets, no!" exclaimed Georg* Tlthers. “ife’d be dokgg nothing else; that’s not right; card—the right eanLls to foarry the tvhole lot at. th* ftrst jump cfft,: If yori get me." T don’t," I - said'dryly. “You did It, though,” said .Amelia; with a laugh. “Susan -did It, too. It’S a poor stick ot a woman that isn’t a dozen women, and k poor stick of a man that Isn’t half a dozen men.” “What we mean,” Tlthers broke In, *“tt that you and' Sue need to be stage managed, what? You two have twenty rolfs In you, between the two ot you, but you won’t change. You, Augustus, keep la the middle of the stage forever hrid a day us the Heavy father arid' Blip has been playing theFajt Ttflgg Jt . i •:"£ . / the appearance ot Hoi. Augustas Tulklngton and Mrs. Augustus Talking top In their disgustingly familiar parts Os Honorable Augustus Tulklngton and sXra. Augustus Tulklngton,’ what? It’s ppt .a wonder you want a divorce; It’s a wonder you don’t murder each other." Amelia Tlthers was looking at .me thoughtfully.' -r I “You can’t grow new hair,” she said, 1 “hut you might wear a wig occa sionally.’' _ . : . i “What ho, yes!” cried Tlthers; Jump ing from his chair excitedly. “When he stages himself as the Conceited Elderly Ass, what? A toupee, what? And white spats I And a monocle? No, not a .monocle. A monocle can’t be done." ’’•But It was done. It was not a com plete success, It would not stick in my eye, but I dangled It from a string and ■ learned to swing It around my fore- I finger quite well. Exceedingly well, I 1 may say. j As anything seemed preferable to divorce, Susan and L after thorough consideration of the matter In com pany with George'Tlthers and his wife, ; agreed to appoint George and Amelia [stage managers, of our married life .and I allowed them a.'liberal compen sation. After a. long consultation | George and Amelia decided that It 1 wbsld be best for George tori* my per sonal manage! while Amelia managed Susan. I agreed to everything in ad [vancP; but T' wjps 'surprised when Gporge presented,'me With a sheet of paper at the top of which he had writ ten “Cast of Characters;” On this sheet were written six varieties of hus bands, all men of my acquaintance, and no two alike. At the head of the llpt was written “January—Self, pros perous banker." And following this whs “February—H. P. Dlggleton, club man, heavy sport," and “March—Win ston Bopple, flirt, lady-chaser,” and so on down to “June—Carey S. Flick, con ceited elderly fusser, etc.” July I was again to be “Self, prosperous banker.” And so on for the second sir months] Ah the month was now August I was to be, not myself, but a person resem bling as nearly as possible H. P. Dig gleton. For the month of August Su san was to have as her husband not myself but, to all intents and purposes, some one equivalent to H. P. Diggle ton. George Tlthers saw l ' that I was fully equipped with manners and habits; when he could not be sure what H. P./Dlggleton would do he invented something new for me to do instead. I admit that as the day approached When I was to become a practically new and unknown husband to Susan I became keenly excited. This was not because I was to be another man but because I knew I was to hav.e in Susan an entirely new wife. I had never been so interested In anything in my life. When the thirteen trunks, con taining the thirteen complete sets ol costumes Susan was to wear v ln her thirteen Impersonations came Into the houst and were carried to the store room I actually trembled with excite ment bs I saw them and noticed the huge white numerals painted on their sides. I say thirteen trunks because Amelia Tlthers had decided that, month by month, Susan should be thir teen women. She felt that Susan, be ing a woman, was equal to tike task, arid by letting Susan be a different woman each month for thirteen month! while I ran, so to speak, in a cycle ol but six months, It would be many years before the same husband could have the same wife. If, for example, Susan should be Mary P. Miller in August to my H. P. Dlggleton, there would be no danger that-she would be Mary P. Miller to my H. P. Dlggleton the next August, because If Mary P. Miller was wife No. 1, when August came again Susan would be wife No. 13, and the next August she would be wife No. 12 Thus a continuous novelty was as sured. On the glorious August morning when o,ur experiment was to begin 1 opened my eyes and raised myself od my elbow to take a lust look—-for twelve months—at the old Susan Tulklngton. She was not there. 1 leaped from bed, bathed and hurried Into the clothes George Tlthers had supplied for my Dlggleton Impersona tion and hastened down stairs. “Your wife?” Amelia Tithers srild pleasantly. “Oh, you’ll not see your wife this month at all! She is, this month, one of the gaddy ladles vmo .fly from their husbands in the sum mer. Susan has gone to Newport, thence she goes to Alaska. You can expect her as the second Mrs. Tulking ton on or about the first of September." I can assert that Susan and I did not quarrel that August. In fact,; I never loved and longed for Susata ! as truly, as I'did toward the end of that month. I wasted, so to speak, raj H. P. Dlggleton role on the desert air. but George. Tithers kept me spurred to the role and I am sure I did well. I v made use of all my clubs and I did enjoy them. ,1 played more auction bridge than In all my previous life. “Gus,” one of* my friends said. "I hqrdly know you! You’re like a dif ferent mall. Maybe you didn't kpow it, but you were getting stupid apd stodgy—you were getting In the ‘old family njun’ rut Well, bid ’em up; bid ’em up l” : : : I met, toward the end of August, a banker from Nome. He had met Susan at'Portland. “Some wife!” he said enthusiastical ly. “Some lively lady, Mr. Tulklng ton! Just shows how folks can be mistaken—Henry Torker, Who was down hqre last year, said/your lady was one of these house-broke ladles, one of the nice old family persons. Oh,’ boy I" taking Susan far riway while ah* wari impersonating such a lively lady aa Mr, j Hutchins of Nome had suggested she I was'lmpersonating, and I admit that] I was glad I was to give her tit for tat wo to speak, since my September sched ule called, for me to be a Winston Bop-' pie, lady killer and flirt. After a few evenings of coaching by George Tithers I was sure I would be Able to carry my Bopple role In a in a niter that would pot pause Susan the least monotony. Two or three of the ladles tn our summer colony seemed quite willing to assist me In giving the part verisimili tude. WMn Susan arrived she gave me one kiss and hurried to her room, but Amelia Tithers paused a moment. “You’ll be surprised!’,’ she whispered. “Susan 1* doing it so wonderfully! And onr l little practice trip came off splendidly. You’ll #ever qgain think of Susan as a stodgy, stupid marrifed old-thing sort of person. You just wait!” . 1 When Susan caurn down to dinner I was indeed surprised. I turned from Amelia Tithers, with whom I had been doing ,my best to flirt, and gasped Such—well, such lack of clothes; Such abundance of long earrings! “The vampire-type!” breathed Amelii Tlthers. “Doesn’t she do It well?” She did! For a fpw September days I did try to flirt with some of our female neighbors, but before a week was up I found I had enough to do in ''making love to Susan and In trying to • crowd between her and trie men who seemed to take her masquerading 14 earnest. We had one row, with Susan In Slitliy colls—so to speak—on the chaise longue, when I told her what I thought of her conduct and she callqd attention to mine, but we kissed and made pp like young lovers. The next minute she was vamping old .Horatio Peabody, the silly old fool! And I had to make eyes at Ills stuffy old wife in self-defense. It was. In deed, a hasty and hectic month, ns George Tithers said. “Thank Heaven,” I said to on last day of September, “this month is over., I hope Susan is to be something respectable In October." “I say, you know I” George exclaimed. “You don’t know that wife of mine. Up and doitig, what? Always a little bit moje, wlmt? Spread a bit more sail—that’s her motto, if you get me.” “You mean to tell me—” I gasped. “Well, rutlier!” exclaimed George Tithers. "Upward and onward, so to speak.” He was right; Amelia must have told him. “Well educated show-girl who is ‘ not just sure she hAs married the right man,” was what Amelia had cast Susan for in October. It was with the greatest difficulty that I was able tc maintain my role of a man who re grette|l hts past and was seeking his solace in good books. It was indeed hard for me to sit with the second vol ume of Henry Esmond and see Susan making merry with half a dozen brain less noodles while her clothes were practically an Incitement to unseemly Ifevity. * “It has been a lovely month,” Susan said at its close. “I did feel so free. 1 hope you’re to be something retiring in November. I’m to be—” “What?? I snarled. I do believe 1 snarled. / “Wait and see!” she said.' The next evening when I returned from my bank and met Susan I fell Into a chair and stared at her. She, who had never used rouge had used it too, too abandoned!;-. Her gown—] can only describe It by saying that Mrs. Hlnterbeiry, wliovgoes wha| is practically the limit, would have hesitated to wear it. ’’Like the countess of Duxminster] Amelia Tithers breathed In my ear. “Chic, yes?” I shuddered. I had read of the countess of Duxminster; it was she who >gave the notorious party at which she lost thirty thousand pounds sterling nnd then bet all her garments—and lost I And this was but November, and Amelia Tlthers’ motto was ‘Spread a bit more sail,’ and there were nine nmre Impersonations on Susan’s list! \I dosed my eyes "and groped for the stair bannisters. When I reached the upper floor I dodgedJ’or the stairs that led to the storeroom? There, In a row, were the twelve trunks. Number 4 was not there; was evidently in Su san's boudoir. For a moment I stood before trunk Number 3. It was un locked; so were they ail. I put mj hand on the lid and hesitated. After all I could guess what might be In trunk 5. I might as well know' the worst. I staggered to trunk Number 13. Now, I trust I am not a coward, hut I did not dare open the lid of thal trunk. A dozen times I drew a deej breath and a dozen times I hesitated I turned to trunk Number 12, to Num her 11. “Augustus,” I said to myself, “be a man! Face this thing!” [ I threw open the lid of the trunk rontainlng what was to be, In effect, the tenth Mrs. Tulklngton. At first the trunk seemed to hold nothing bul a few red artificial flowers and some hay, lumped in one small comer. 1 lifted these. There was nothing else In the trunk! -The red flowers, as 1 looij«|d as J{iem, assumed a meaning— they .were .a wreath for the head; the hay Uvari'seWed to a gartew band. Thera was extremely; short hay.- Pic tures of Hawaii and the South Sea tulrinds flashed on ray brain. I saw my Susan on a sandy beach. In my Im agination I could see nearly all ol the beach—and nearly all of Susau! 1 felt sick; suddenly and: extremely sick I So tl|ls was to be i iriy wife! This was to be the tenth Mrs. Talking ton! I could feel the cold perspira tion oozing hpnt tsy ppr As. My ftHaa la a hay lamp (hade the hope- Jetw state to which boys “on the land” are condemned. Before he was ifi his teens he Was employed 'jn Scaring crows, and wlien twelve years of rtgo he was apprenticed to a shop-keeper In a little fishing village near Whitby. He was evidently rather a “scallywag” —the British empire owes much to Its scallywags—and his master! cancelled his Indentures.—London Dally Tele y' v., v, Most Remarkable Bird. The hoaetzin of British Guiana Is one of the fno&i remarkable birds fit the, world. Almost «« >soon as It la hatched tlie young hoaetzin -crawlsi out of the nest by using its wings as forefeet. The “thumb” and “forefin ger” of the. wings have claws with which she youhg bird climbs about the branches. As sqon aqj thfl wjngs grow strqng enough ,-to support ,the, bird In the air the clews disappear.’ i The New 1 York Zoological "park has just got the first Specimens fever, to bfe held 'to * A <0 : lit./ I) : :c i t'v<;•-!* t ?.i! 1 ’ ATTENTION AUTO OWNERS Free One Famous Air-Gauge, Extra Heavy Red Inner Tube with each Clover Leaf or Long Distance Cord Tire. Limited time on ly. Written guarantee one year. Will save yon one-third mileage on tires. Clover Leaf Cord are over size built for car owners who want High Quality Tire. Written guarantee 12,000 miles against blow-outs and rim cuts. Long Distance Cords are oversize, rugged toughness, armoured Extra Strength. Written guarantee' miles. They are Home Products, manufactured by Paul Rubber Co., Salisbury, N. C. Million Dollar Plant. Air-Gauge Inner -Tubes shows amount of air pressure at ull times. Warning you of under inflation. As to their unhsuul guar antee. Nothing is put into these products hut the very' best. 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