THE DAILY TAR HEEL
APRIL FOOL
PAGE TWO
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BOBBY .
WES
RED
BETTIE
CLIFF
FEED
BAY
Editor of Editors
Editor Managing Editors
Editor Associated with Editors
Editor in Charge of Business
Editor Who Doesn't Circulate
Ass Editor
NEVTL
LACKEY
KORAL
STERN
GAUTIER
MARSHALL .
LAMKIN
POP
JO'
GREEN
FAFI
JANET
MARY HILL
WASHBURN
SAM
ELAINE
MICKIE
Another Ass Editor
JEditor on Mag Editors
Straight Ticket Editor
Editorial Editor
Unintelligible Editor
Morale Editor
Another Such Editor
Editor Who Isn't Here
Sporting Editor
Assistant New Editor
Oh You Editor!
Coed Editor
.i.. Shorts Editor
Flagler's Editor
Another Morale Editor
-Feature Editor
AENCHBACHER
GILES
FOO .
DARLEY
JEAN
FARRIS
SELIG
NAT
Blue Sweater Editor
What an Editor!
Married Editor
I ......... Phi Editor
.; . . Brew Editor
Night Editor
....., . ... Foo's Editor
.:. Here's My Deke Pin Editor
SUZANNE
..... Here's Your Deke Pin, Editor
. Hubba Editor
Roosevelt Editor
. ; Layout Editor
; Selig's Editor
THE WASTE LAND
ur
'To do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy
God."
For T. Stern Eliot
Ceteris paribus
I. KEEP OFF THE GRASS
Polk Place is the cruellest place
Mixing jyey-coyered granite !
.With candy wrappers:
Ante-Greeks in paint-smeared shorts
See a decaying tree
Not the Davie Poplar.
And we strolled down Franklin . .,
And past the Intimate
For a cup of coffee in Danziger's
Crisp the naivete not the cynic
Said I would not defy God
Nor Douglass Hunt. Push a pea
nut Across the Y Court
Or do a strip-tease on Franklin
Street
I hope you will save yourself
' . i . . . . - S
The ignonimy of both!
And saying
So it is
With voting.
IV.
H. THE WORDS OF LANIER
The General Assembly shall pro
vide
That the benefits of the Univer
sity As far as practicable ...
Ach! Mein Got! They are hollow
men!
The world is too much with them
Late and soon. A student is a
valuable
Article Lanier hath said it.
Selah.
III. THE UNITED CAROLINA
PARTY
Requires a two-thirds vote
And Roberts can't be wrong
What fools you mortals be
You can't win an election
On principles, but yes,
A prejudicial attack
On fraternities.
A party of individuals
Voting their conscience
And although we won't say so
It's really wise, for truth
Will triumph and so will we.
All right, youve heard your
principles,
Now let's get down and get some
votes.
There'll be a triple-headed mon
ster! And talking
And waiting
And fighting -.
And talking.
And talking
THE VOICE OF THE
PEOPLE
And we, like sheep, shall go
astray
As red as the Nile
The voice of the people
Is the voice of God.
V. THE UNIVERSITY PARTY
Fannin, Davis, Veasey,
Are a good boy, for they
Don't have principles.
Brinkley, Adams, Hendren,
Are a bad boy, for they .
Changed horses to become sheep.
And they, like sheep, shall go
astray.
Ha! Ha! It ain't so funny Joe.
Vote 'er straight, me lad
S. G. just ain't no fad.
Vote 'er straight, mama
For the glory of Pi Pi Gamma!
You can put up a ticket
It ain't no racket
But it takes guts
Until it hu'ts
To vote 'er straight, me lad.
Fill high the bowl with crossed
squares
The golden bowl is broken !
Gold and iron are good
To buy iron and gold
But it's friendship, friendship
Dear ole golden friendship.
VI. WHAT THE FOURTH ES
TATE SAID
The oldest hath borne plenty, we
that are young
Shall never see so much, or do so
much '
Until the University returns to
normalcy.
The liberals are radical, the con
servatives
Reactionary. Reaction is crim
inal, radicals
Are not reaUy radicals.
"Puke-Eye
Own Words
Swango in Interview Says in
"Ah Has' Me A Hell of A Time
19
By Tookie Hodgson i
JbJdeibert swango is certainly,
a character. Yes, sir, if there
ever was a character on this
campus, Edelbert Swango is it.
Just ask those who move in the
highest student political circles
and they will tell you Swango
is undoubtedly more of a chara
cter than any other character
of all the characters who now
grace the serene domain of the
university. In short, Edelbert
Swango is a real, true-to-life
character.
Edelbert, or "Puke-eye", as
he is more familiarly known, was
born in the town of Howling
Dog, N. C, just twenty years
ago on the very night when his
beloved father was shot and kill
ed in a running battle with reve
nue agents. This incident pro
foundly effected young "Puke
eye's" life, and he has never once
let the "Demon Rum" flow down
the old gullet, for, as he says,
"What has alcohol got that co
caine ain't."
After graduating from the
state reform school with honors
in whittling and skunk-trapping,
"Puke-eye"; possessed of a
knawing desire for self rimprove
ment, betook himself to our fair
college in quest of further edu
cation. It is common knowledge
that he has now admirably real
ized his noble ambition. His
grades in Biological Night-Field
Studies and wonderful work in
the Arboretum have fiUed his
male classmates with envy. His
intensive research into female
physiology has brought him
state-wide praise. Recently a
coed, who served as "Puke-eye's"
assistant, in one of his interest
ing experiments, remarked to a
friend, "Hubba, hubba! I love
that man ! "
But all is not work with Edel
bert Swango, better known as
"Puke-eye." Play is an important
factor in this campus character's
college life. Almost any night
you can see him down by Graham
Memorial good-naturedly heav
ing bricks at his chums or oc
casionally tossing a lighted
stick of dynamite in the main
lounge, much to the amusement
of the bystanders loitering
around the place.
Sometimes, when in a rarticu
larly jovial mood, "puke-eye"
will sneak up behind an unsus
pecting coed, and pour a quart or
so of sulphuric acid down her
neck. This stunt always gets a
good laugh from the crowd, and
strengthen "Puke-eye's" status
as a character.
Edelbert Swango, better
served with honor in the office
of editor of the college humor
magazine, "Filthy Fun".
In the social sense, good old
"Puke-eye" is definitely of the
"barefoot haut mode," which is
the highest circle one may aspire
to in this genteel madhouse of
pedagogery.
He is also president of the
unique Kappa Beta Phi fraterni
ty; he is a prime motivator in
the planning of those fascinating
soirees called "blanket parties",
and last but not least he is the
president of the Stripper Danc
ing Club, an interesting organi
zation which holds three orgies
a year in the Washington Duke
Hotel's Gypsy Rose Lee Room,
Thus, every-one can plainly see
how full is our campus charact
er's social life. Or to put it in
Edelbert Swango's, better
known as "Puke-eye", own
words. "Ah has me a hell of a
time!"
Our hero, when queried by
this interviewer as to his future
ambitions, told me he only
"Wished Ah could be like that
great South'n orator, E. Beaure-
M
know as "Puke-eye' cuts quite jgard Claghorn, Senator Clag-
a figure politically and . socially,
as well as acedemically.
He has been elected to seven
straight terms in the Student
Dissipator's Forum (which
meets at Harry's every night),
he has been president of the Uni
versity Hop-heads on two suc
cessive occasions, and he has
tjwe
ur-m
By Jerry Lightfoot Davidoff
In 1898 there were 1,786,206
bushmen on the island of Pingo
Pango. Of these 628,407 were
devout Baptist, following the
training given them by Rev. L.
Stanforde Potatoeat who had
been a missionary on Pingo Pan
go for forty years. And 1,003
more were Holy Rollers after
having witnessed the Ringling
Brothers Circus in 1895. The
rest were ardent cannibals, still
faithful to tfce lore of their fore
fathers, which means, of course,
carnivorous.
The natives of Pingo Pango
have formed an active Inter-
faith Council to seek a logical
end to their common problems of
belief, and to aid in foreign mis
sionary work. This progressive
group worked steadily for thirty
years to end discrimination
against vegitarians.
The chief industries on this
verdant island were the making
of hand carved button-holes for
straight-jackets, cartons for
used W. J. Bryan campaign but
tons and drill presses for the
Keiser plant at Willow Run. Un
til last year the island lived .in
tranquil peace, it's murder rate
decreasing to less than 96 per
thousand and it's birth rate ris
ing steadily to almost 4 per
thousand per year. Since Pingo
Pangoians live long lives the re
latively low birth rate, compar
ed to , say, Greenland, is of lit
tle importance.
In 1943 a labor organizer nam
ed R. Lee Cattleyarjd arrived
and began to arouse the workers
in the three plants. This was not
difficult to do since all the work
ers were low on cigarettes and
their wives had been away for
six months at a meeting of the
combined UDC-DAR chapter on
the nearby island of Statusquon
ia. With offers of cartons of Mel-
ichrino cigarettes Cattleyard de
nounced the bosses. However,
one Willkie Doorstepp, Jr., of the
Active Teamsters Organization
IWDWD'DAlBnJE
nearly broke up the plot by stat
ing bluntly that "whether you're
rich or you're poor, it's good to
have money." This started the
natives thinking, which meant
that they were no longer mental
ly decadent. One particular schol
ar of the period states in this
way: "Do suppose that you are
walking through the Arboretum
with a girl and she says 'Buy me
a shot of Private Stock." It
means she is thirsty, or I don't
know what. Without money you
are frustrated. This proves that
the Aboretum is a good place to
get rid of all frustrations, or I
don't know what." However, this
scholar was not there, and his
research is incidental to his
works on the sugar beet indus
try in Bosnia which were pub
lished by the UNC Press last
year.
All of this goes to prove, sug
gests Richard Strewn, a noted
metaphysical economist who dis
cards all theories which" seem
logical to any one but himself,
that T. S. Eliot's theory of
wages, combined with the mole
cular theory of ethics, would set
tle the world's problems. Mr.
Strewn also has a visceral theory
which has even less to do with
the topic.
At any rate, socialism, the
atomic bomb, labor-management
disputes and the closed shoppe
argument fit into the picture
some way.
What happened was that seven
Chancillors of great American
Universities went m, played
mouth organs and bass trom
bones for the workers, and by
the time CPU got around to dis
cussing the problem it was set
tled.
The meeting adjourned to
Danziger's where James "Maple
leaf Rag" Valence gave a lec
ture to a disinterested audience
on sheep manure fertilizer and
its relationship to world govern
ment. Next week the CPU will dis
gust the ''White Slave Trade in
horn, that is !" When asked who,
in his opinion, were ' the other
outstanding men in the country
today, "Puke-eye" replied, "Dick
Tracy, Senator Bilbo, and Dave
Clarke'
Swango gives his favorite
literature as the Nudist Monthly,
and his favorite sport is (DE
is also many other people's fa
vorite sport !
Thus we have Edelbert Swan
go, more familiarly known as
"Puke-eye". Certainly he is a
good example of a "character".
Surely there could be no more
typical character than he, and
no doubt there are not many
people more beloved by their
See "PUK&-EYE" page U.
Ucw Beer This'
Mongolian
issionary
Mumbles
A. B. Smith, popular, vivaci-
ous, campus personality, v
born in a manger in southern
Mongolia in the year 1929. Many
of the natives of that area had
a tendency to worship young
Abie for many years because a
star was seen to shine brightly
over the spot where he lay in
his swaddling clothes. His father
was One Low Smith. Records
are not quite clear on who his
mother was. The oft heard ru
mor that he is the illegitimate
son of Mrs. H. M. Stacy has not
however, a bit of truth to it.
Mrs. Stacy was living with a
rubber planter in Chile when our
hero first saw the light of day.
When Smith reached the age
of thirteen he realized his true
calling he was intended to go
forth in the world and preach
the doctrine of temperence ! ! Ac
cordingly he left his little home
in Mongolia and came to Chapel
Hill to do missionary work
among the alcoholics.
You may find young, hand
some, colorful, gracious, trust
worthy, loyal, helpful, brave,
clean and reverent, A. B. Smith
any night, atop his soapbox,
with brass band surrounding
him, preaching to. the wayward
throng in front of Jeffs Soda
Parlor.
One pig: "Have you heard
from your husband lately?"
Other pig: "Yes, I got a lit
ter from him yesterday."
A Holy Roller: A person who
does his celebrating and church
going at the same time.
Report to the Campus
Recent Revelations of the
Cosmic Manifestations
By George Stern jeon
The most recent regurgitation
of the campus drama disorgan
ization emerged in the repulsive
form of an opus symbolically
tagged Yes, the Begonias; Re
cent Revelations of the Cosmic
Manifestations. Hormone Wsmi
th, Lucifer's collaborator on this
abortion, has the singular merit
of being the worst playwrite
that has ever been the misfor
tune of this humble reviewer to
review. Mr. W smith (recently
changed from Psmith according
to JMorganton's records) has
managed to collect a thousand or
two of the ugliest syllables in
the language's reportoire and
weave them into the most revolt
ing, mangled, incoherent, and
lewd sentences that have ever
caused a blush on virginal cheek
bones. From the first line "Sweating
carpals" to the last, "Perspiring
Begonias" a dull neon appear
ance spread over the panting
audience, until in the third act
climax, when Rubba Hockit fell
naked into Lucius's arms, a fire
started in the audience until it
died for want of air.
Darkest Africa", especially in re
gard to its effect on the problem
of military conscription in Bo
livia. Greenback Crumbly, the
CPU Chairman, will present a
three sided factual report, and
Senator Beriberi Pellagra, of
South Carolina, chairman of the
Senate's Committee investiga
ting the IPU (International
Pimps Union) will be the
Union's guest.
The director, Losther Jelled
f en has, it is rumored disappear
ed peculiarly so has Rubba and
the Hop Scotch Bar Fund and
after this disaster it is not dif
ficult to see why. It is not enough
that the sound effects of the bat
tle scene arrived during the
funeral, that the prompter came
out to slug the actors on missed
cues or that the actors chose to
see who would play their scenes
first and then decided to play
them simultaneously, but when
a construction company started
to erect a tomb for Knave Shark
while Rubba was having her sex
tuplets we cannot but remark
that the timing and taste of re
production could have been im
proved. The acting, as a pleasant con
trast, was only lousy. Occasional
ly it became intelligent to the
Lithuanian student on my left,
but as he melted at the first
comprehensible line I do not
know whether the entire per
formance was performed in this
most original tongue. But Rub
ba Hockit, though but one word
(Anglo-Saxon in origin I be
lieve) issued from her gorgeous
lips gave one of the most feel
ing and significant performances
in tne modern theatre she ran
the gamut from A to A. Lucius
Pensnorter simply stunk. The
rest of the performers were
not quite up to this standard.
Though this was one of the
most distinguished performances
the Carolina campus has seen for
years only six Jadies, five nuns
and someone named Kickerd
from the modern outhouse op
posite the well, fainted.