No more writing test
The ubiquitious Frank
Winstead has ruled that the
'DTH' will no longer be an
exclusive organization. So
there will be no humiliating
writing test, no makeup,
nothing.
Imminent death
Ozone-layer destruction, in
creasing pollution, smog
and nuclear fallout, followed
by total destruction. See
Jack Mohr for details.
Copyright 1984 The Daily Winstead
All Ipfts. rights and cemers reserved.
Unnerving the students and University community since 1984
Third Reich, Issue 1
Dick Crum
quits UNC
for Colts
By SLICK RICK
Joey Sports God
OXFORD. Ohio North Carolina
head football coach Dick Crum announced
Sunday that he is resigning, and will seek
the head coaching spot with the NFL's In
dianapolis Colts.
Crum, who tTed Chapel Hill under the
cover of darkness early Sunday, con- -tacted
UNC Athletic Director John Swof
ford by phone Sunday afternoon and told
Swofford of his decision.
Swofford said
he was surprised
by C rum's deci
sion, but accepted
it without argu
ment. "I just said,
'Coors to you,
Dick Crum and
hung up," Swof
ford said.
Crum apparent
ly left his Chapel
Hill home shortly
Dick Crum
after midnight Sunday after moving vans
were seen leaving his spacious glass palace.
Crum then drove to the home of an
unidentified friend in this Ohio town,
where he met with controversial Colts'
owner Robert Irsay.
Irsay, whose decision to move the NFL
franchise out of Baltimore late last week
brought anger from local and state of
ficials and joy to Indiana football fans,
reportedly told Crum that present Colts
coach Frank Kush may not be around
much longer.
"What we want is a coach who will get
us in the playoffs again," Irsay said.
"Crum is the man to do that. He may
never get us to the Super Bowl, but we
can always get someone else to do that."
Maryland Athletic Director Dick Dull
lamented over Crum's departure.
"There's one thing I can say about
Crum," Dull said Sunday. "He's certain
ly done a lot for ACC football. He was
directly responsible for the installation of
barbed wire and land mines at our
stadium."
East Carolina head coach Ed Emory is
- reportedly the top contender for Crum's
job.
"It would be a real challenge to rebuild
Carolina's program," Emory said. "I
would want to make them the best foot
ball team in the state of North Carolina."
Reaction to Crum's departure was mix
ed among UNC officials. An anonymous
source in the UNC sports information of
fice droned, "It's probably for the best.
'Long-haired hippies
Helms appointed to UNC Board
By CLAUDE ALLEN
Special to the DWS
U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C, an
nounced Friday that he would withdraw
from his re-election bid for the U.S.
Senate and would become a new member
of the UNC Board of Trustees.
Helms, appointed to the board by
UNC Chancellor Christopher C. For
dham III, will join the board next
January at the completion of his Senate
term. He made the surprise announce
ment Friday at a news conference at the
Carolina Inn.
The conservative senator, who has said
. Chapel Hill should be enclosed by a fence
and converted to a zoo for its staunch
liberal residents, has decided to become a
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Jesse, no babe in the woods, prepares to be a UNC tiustee
When
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DWIJedd Newsance
Frank Winstead was named editor of the 93rd edition of 'The Daily Tar Heel' by the Elections Board
... Unlike other candidates, Winstead paid for having posters up late and emerged the winner.
can stay away'
new animal in the crowd.
"I'm looking forward to this oppor
tunity to serve on the board," Helms said
in a Chapel Hill press conference Friday.
"By having first-hand looks at educa
tional needs of the University, I can lobby
for our needs in Washington."
School prayer would be his first con
cern. He plans to introduce a bill before
the board allowing organized prayer
before the start of classes, Campus
Governing Council meetings, athletic
events and other social functions.
"I expect to encounter a little opposi
tion because this is a new idea for Chapel
Hill," he said. "But I sense a lot of silent
support for it as well. If nothing else, I
think it can help students improve their
grades and have all of our athletic teams
ij7i t'.-.jne ; i f ,ii
- , , ' ' - , '
A i
ll- I
the going gets weird, the weird
A new day, April 2, 1984
win national championships.
"I will also fight to make sure the Star
of Bethlehem will be placed atop all
University buildings," Helms said. Re
cent controversy over whether the
Morehead Planetarium star is a religious
symbol caused a temporary ban of the
star's display when Fordham ordered it
taken down last year. It has since been
allowed to be displayed once again.
Helms said the main environmental
issue would be to protect the peace and
tranquility of the beautiful campus.
"That means any leftist demonstrators
and long-haired hippies can stay away,"
he said. "If they want to do that sort of
thing they can go over to the post office,
but it won't be allowed here on campus."
Women's issues and protection from
Death penalty
From Appropriate Press rapports
RALEIGH Anti-death rallies and
candlelight vigils protesting the execu
tion of James Hutchins motivated 250
local residents to march on Raleigh Fri
day in a rally for death.
Pro-death forces randomly fired
shotguns into the air as they approached
the steps of the state Capitol.
"Everybody's gonna die anyway, so
what gives?" said Irwin Wolfe,
spokesman of the Concerned Citizens
for a Deadlier Death Penalty.
Dump trucks guard Prez
WASHINGTON Fearing an
assassination attempt by Moslem
fanatics driving rented suicide trucks,
President Reagan ordered large dumps
filled with sand placed in front of White
r
Do you have what it
have
takes to be a "bro"?
PERSONAL INFORMATION:
1. What school did your father
attend?
2. How many states away from North
Carolina do you live?
5.
7.
3. What was the cost of tuition at the
private school you attended before
8.
coming to UNC?.
4. How many European countries tn's
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
of Trustees
sexual harassment can easily be solved by
eliminating co-ed dorms and requiring
members of the opposite sex to be
escorted through dorms. "Keep the
animals away and they can't breed," he
said. "It's the best protection for
everyone."
Helms said he planned to set up office
hours on weekends to meet with students
and other concerned people about
University affairs. "I will establish an of
fice in South Building to talk over
University issues," he said. "But people
should not get this office confused with
my senatorial office. And I want to warn
any weirdos that I will have security
screening before an appointment with me
is made."
fanatics unite
Spew in Brief
House entrance gates.
The president suggested that con
cerned citizens protect themselves by
placing sand-filled wheelbarrows in
their driveways.
Ronnie slows time
WASHINGTON President
Reagan signed a bill into law Sunday
which lengthens the minute .to 120
seconds.
The bill, which is retroactive, is aimed
at helping the Social Security system.
"Nobody will live to be 65 anymore,"
Reagan chuckled.
(advertisement)
you, or your
parents,
9. How
many
visited?
name exist?
Do you have a foreign accent or
can you convincingly affect
one?
10. What is your
a.
VOCABULARY
1. A "lodge" is
Are you
scholar?
Morehead
i
If you are not a Morehead scholar,
what is your excuse? (not to ex
ceed 100 words; can be attached to 2. A "cave" is ...
sheet). a.
turn pro
Dr.
lections Boar
names as editor
Winstead instead
By MOCK STINEFIRD
SUff Lecher
The Elections Board voted 8-1 in a
closed session Sunday night to name
Frank Winstead replacement editor of
The Daily Tar Heel.
Andy Sutherland, Elections Board
chairman, said the board was forced to
make the surprise decision after the other
DTH editor candidates refused to pay
fines for campaign posters left up past the
96-hour deadline.
"Yeah, we know this is going to cause
a big stir," an obviously shaken
Sutherland said moments after the deci
sion. "Frank (Winstead) just happened
to be the only candidate who got his
posters down in time and paid the fine for
those he left up."
According to Section 1, Article 7 of the
Elections Board Bylaws, all posters en
dorsing candidates must be taken down
within 96 hours and not a minute more
after the end of the elections. The final
DTH editor election was Feb. 28.
Jeff Hiday, who won that election and
just finished his second week as DTH
editor, is disqualified from his position
effective immediately. Christine Manuel
and John Conway, second-' and third
place finishers in the DTH race, could
have been named editor, but they, too,
refused to pay the fines for posters left
up.
Hiday said he would appeal the deci
sion immediately to the Student Supreme
Court.
"I thought this mess was over," Hiday
said. "I'm shocked."
Actually, the board's decision was not
without forewarning. Last week, Edwin
Fountain, Elections Board sargeant at
Sexes mixed randomly
next yew for housing
By GETTMOR SECHS
Staff Writer
On-campus housing for the 1984-85
academic year will be randomized by sex
as well as race, Wayne Kuncl, director of
University Housing, said Friday.
"We are a progressive campus, and this
new measure will allow us to set the
precedent for other liberal universities
across the country," Kuncl said.
He noted that the new process would
not eliminate single-sex residence hall
rooms, it would only prevent students
from having the choice of which sex their
roommate would be.
During the 1984 fall semester, which
will be considered a "trial" semester for
the new randomization, students will
have the first two weeks to petition their
roommate assignment. What this means,
Kuncl explained, is that if a student is
strongly opposed to the person he or she
is assigned to live with, heshe will be able
to petition the arrangement to the hous
ing department. The department will
review the assignment and decide if the
student should be relocated. .
"They're winding up in the same
rooms anyway, so I don't think we'll
have a lot of complaints," he said.
Kuncl said the randomization would
help stop male student complaints that
they did not have sinks in their room, like
the females in Spencer, Kenan, Mclver
White Outhouse sources revealed that
Reagan wishes to be the youngest presi
dent ever. Further, the effects of the
new bill will disqualify both Democratic
presidential candidates since they have
not yet reached the constitutional age
requirement of 35.
Who's Gary Hart?
Recent reports that Democratic
presidential candidate Gary Hart had
lied about his age and last name promp
ted his public relations staff to begin a
nationwide TV campaign to improve
Hart's image.
The 30-second TV spot shows Hart
with his wife, Jackie, and son, Gary
Gary, coming out of a service at his
local Roman Catholic Church. Other
shots include Hart autographing copies
of his book Profiles in Courage, Hart
aboard the PT-109, and eating clam
chowder in New England.
Citizens drive to survive
advertisement) n n tm n
(advertisement)
live
trust funds in your
b.
c.
a prehistoric home
a third-floor
major? (circle one)
political science
SECTION:
...
fraternity-house par
ty annex
3. "Croquet" is a game
a. played only in the
book Alice In
Wonderland
b. played by British
aristocrats -
c. played on the well
groomed lawn of a
a. a Swiss ski resort
b. a country motel
c. a well-groomed
fraternity house
a place where bats
Hunter S. Thompson
d
arms, told the DTH that the board would
: not hesitate in prosecuting students who
did not pay.
"This is the second time this year we've
thrown the campus for a loop," Fountain
snickered. "Yeah, we're sticklers, all
right when we see a rule we like, we en
force the hell out of it."
Sutherland, chairman of the board,
said he had received several complaints
from students, faculty and janitors who
were "sick and tired of posters lying all
over classrooms. After a while those smil
ing faces just make you want to puke."
Winstead will have one week to put
together a staff before assuming editor
ship of the paper. Meanwhile, ex-Editor
Kerry DeRochi will return to publish this
week's editions.
"This is really absurd," DeRochi said
after being informed of the board's deci
sion. "I mean, Frank (Winstead) will do
an excellent job and all, but I just moved
out of my office! I thought I'd never have
to write an editorial again. Don't worry,
though I'll make the best of this op
portunity," DeRochi said with a gleam in
her eye, as she tapped a pica stick on her
palm.
Winstead, who sported a "DeRochi
Fan Club" sign and a picture of mentor
Adolph Hitler around his neck, was
gleeful. "All I can say is, this reaffirms my
belief in democracy and StuBent Govern
ment," Winstead said instead. "This is as
it should be."
Frank (Winstead) was reluctant to
divulge plans for the paper, but he hinted
at moving DTH offices to an HRC dor
mitory and at changing the paper's name.
"Let's just say I've taken the term 'ubi
quitous' to heart." He refused to com
ment further.
and Alderman dormitories.
A project-specific task, force set up by
Student Body President Paul Parker to
study the sink controversy delivered their
report to Kuncl Thursday.
"It's a clear cut case of discrimina
tion," Kuncl said.
Students interviewed Sunday said they
were excited about the randomization.
"This will be great," one female Ehr
inghaus resident assistant said. "Those
urinals in our bathrooms never get used,
they just collect dust. We have plants in
ours."
A male resident in Morrison agreed.
"Not only that," he said, "but now
maybe our bathroom will get cleaned
every once in a while. You know how girls
dislike that scummy ring around the
shower."
Teague residents were less than en
thusiastic about the situation.
"What about intramurals?" one resi
dent asked. "We've worked hard for our
championships. Now if we have to let
girls play we're sure to lose.
"And what about the mixers? We're
wild and crazy guys. Having girls already
here will make the other girls not want to
come over."
rranK (.winstead) questioned the legali
ty of the new housing process. Should he
decide to appeal the decision, implemen
tation would be postponed until the
spring.
WASHINGTON The Department
of Transportation said Sunday that as
of March 31, 1984, an estimated
57,382,426.79 people had traveled U.S.
highways, bi-ways and tri-ways this year
unharmed.
' The toll is predicted to increase
significantly by the end of the summer
months. However, a minor dip is ex
pected to occur around Labor Day.
Research takes work
Employees stood aghast as they
witnessed a graduate English student
check out all the books in the
Undergraduate Library.
"We were curious when he backed
the truck to the doors and proceeded to
unload the shelves," one library worker
said. "We were helpless to stop him
Undergraduate Library officials
estimated that a fine of $100,000 would
have to be paid for each day the
library's collection is overdue.
1
(advertisement) m M
well-groomed frater
nity house
If you'd like to learn more
about being a "bro," send this
completed questionnaire and
a photocopy of your last bank
statement to:
"I'd Like a Bid"
321 W. Cameron Ave.
Chapel Hill, N.C. 27514