8The Daily Tar Heel Wednesday, November 5, 1986
Gliarmis' comedy - it's Good!
By SCOTT FOWLER
Sports Editor
Most of the 35 members of the press went to coach
Dick Cram's press conference Tuesday expecting a low
key recap of the Maryland win and a few lines about
how Clemson is one of the finest teams in the history
of college football.
They got that, but were also treated to a monologue
Jay Leno would be proud of. It was delivered by kicker
Lee Gliarmis, whose imitations of Mark Maye, Harris
Barton, two unscrupulous coaches named lma Crook
and P. Robation and his own head coach, Crum himself,
brought an appreciative house down.
Gliarmis, who has a deserved reputation as the team
jester, was the hero last Saturday in the 32-30 win,
kicking a 28-yard field goal as the clock ran out. But
he proved his talents far exceed booting a ball as he
stood up after Cram's comments and began to interview
himself as a number of people.
The pretense for the interviews was that the UNC
Maryland game had just concluded. Following is an
abridged text of Gliarmis more inspired lines:
Gliarmis as interviewer Mark Maye, you had an
incredible day throwing, 50 of 51 passes completed for
680 yards. How do you feel?
Gliarmis as Maye, in the soft-spoken, barely
discernible voice that is Maye's trademark Oh, I feel
pretty good. But 1 can't take all the credit for that.
Interviewer What about that 95-yard touchdown
pass you threw from behind your back while falling
to the ground?
Maye Well, it was okay. I cant take credit for
that either.
Interviewer What do you want to do after you
get out of school, Mark?
Maye (Pause). Pd like to be a heavy-metal rock
star.
Interviewer, to UNC tackle and team's best quote,
Harris Barton, who is renowned for his use of big words
Harris, how does it feel to beat Maryland?
Gliarmis as Barton Hold on a second. Pulls out
a thesaurus, thumbs through it. It was an exuberantly
acute sense of rapture.
Interviewer What were you thinking during the last
drive?
Barton 1 was thinking IVe got to be successful,
whether I'm going to be a corporate executive or a peanut
farmer.
Interviewer to Coach Crum Coach, do you get
much pressure from the school's high-powered,
influential alumni?
Gliarmis as Crum squints his eyes, rocks back on
his feet Well, sure, last year they wanted us to wear
paisley jerseys.
Interviewer to lma Crook, coach of the fictitious State
Pen University Why do they call you the Coach of
Contradictions, coach?
Crook 1 don't know why they say that, but I know
what they mean.
Interviewer WeVe heard that you are in a recruiting
battle for one of the best high school quarterbacks in
the country. What do you think about his prospects?
Crook He's definitely a 300-ZX player, er, I mean
a blue-chip player.
After Gliarmis finished his routine to an extended
round of aplause, he sighed with relief. "That was harder
than kicking that field goal," he said.
A few other lines are worth mentioning from this
laugh-a-minute press conference, which if it did not shed
much light on the Tar Heels' plans for Clemson at least
did provide solid entertainment. Crum zinged Gliarmis
once when he has talking about the 22-yard field goal
missed in the first quarter: "That field goal looked bigger
and bigger and bigger as the game went on," Crum
said, smiling at his kicker. "If we had hit it, we would
have been in pretty good shape."
Later, Crum was asked about the rock at Clemson,
which is touched by each player on the team as they
run down the hill. The team has to be driven over in
a bus beside the rock right before the game, and Crum
said he thought that would be distracting to his players.
"No, he'd rather lead them on in a golf cart," sports
information director Rick Brewer cracked.
TEAM NOTES: Jonathan Hall will be available for
duty in Saturday's game, but Mark Maye will be the
starter . . . Fullback Brad Lopp will return as well, but
be used only sparingly . . . Maye now has the two all
time career passing highs for UNC, last week's 316 yards
and the 311 yards against N.C. State.
m
CAROLINA
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Soccer
takes 3-0
home win
By GREG COOK
Staff Writer
The North Carolina men's
soccer team gained some momen
tum going into its season finale
Sunday against arch-rival Duke
with a 3-0 win over Methodist
College Tuesday at Fetzer Field.
The Tar Heels' win came des
pite an admitted letdown after
Friday's emotional battle with
N.C. State, which ended in a 0
0 tie after two overtimes. "We just
wanted to get this match over
with,v said midfielder David
Smyth. "We would rather have
not had this game on our sche
dule. We just had kind of a
letdown after the N.C. State
match."
UNC, using a balanced scoring
attack, scored its first goal at the
30:23 mark of the first half when
Marcus Martin took a pass from
Mike Molson and skillfully
tapped the ball past Monarch
goalie Steve Springthorpe.
The remainder of the first half
was rather quiet. The Tar Heels
controlled the ball for the most
part, giving Methodist few oppor
tunities on offense. Finally, with
1 :3 1 left in the first half, heralded
Tar Heel freshman Chad Ashton
drove down the left side of the
field and passed to Reid Storch,
who was in good position in the
middle. Storch quickly booted the
ball past Springthorpe and UNC
led 2-0 at the half.
The final Tar Heel goal arrived
with 31:41 left in the match when
Terry Nelson punched the ball
past Springthorpe after an aggres
sive possession battle in front of
the Monarch goal. Springthorpe,
however, was caught out of
position and the Tar Heels had
scored the final goal of the match.
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UNO's Frank Giihooly (left) battles for the ball in a 3-0 victory
With the exception of the three
goals, the only highlights of the
match included the Methodist
cheerleaders, who had traveled
from Fayetteville to cheer on their
Monarchs, and the ejection of
Methodist player Stephen
Murphy, a freshman from Naas,
Ireland. Murphy, who had
received a warning earlier in the
match after a confrontation with
Tar Heel David Smyth, was
ejected with 8:20 left in the match
after another confrontation with
Smyth. Smyth received no
warning.
Although UNC added another
mark in the win column, Tar Heel
players were not very enthusiastic '
about their play against the
Monarchs. UNC assistant soccer
coach Geoff Griffin said the Tar
Heels were probably looking
ahead to Sunday's match against
Duke.
"It was more of a workmanlike
match," Griffin said. "We got the
job done. A win is a win though
and well take it."
The Tar Heels can finish ahead
of Duke in the ACC standings
with a win over the Blue Devils.
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A101
Freshman Orientation
Nothing could have prepared me
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roommate. "A nique" nothing more,
just kAnique,: was her name. Change
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description. x
When they asked what type of
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I was just about ready to put in $
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reached into her: leather C
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offered me a cup. Okay, I
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As we sipped our cups, I
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