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The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, January 22 19879
or Oral lives
This week on The Movie Channel:
Friday, Jan. 16: "She" no, not the
one with Ursula Andress back when
she was gettin' nekkid for John
Derek. The one where Sandahl
Bergman is worshiped by Hairy
Krishnas and wears a black leather
breechclout and gets whipped and
chained up a lot.
Friday, Jan. 23: "Nine Deaths of
the Ninja," about an American tour
bus held hostage by a black lesbian
terrorist and a Nazi paraplegic until
Vijay Amritraj, the Indian tennis
player, can track 'em down in the
Filipino jungle and cause a polo
pony stampede that tramples the
Nazi like a piece of melted cheese.
Sunday, Jan. 25: the greatest punk
rock skinhead head-bangirT
permanent-brain-damage concert in
movie history "Urgh! A Music
War," featurin' 32 different bands
includin my personal favorites.
Cramps and The Dead Kennedys.
You probably remember how last
year I drove up to Tulsa to get some
spiritual advice from Oral Roberts
and ask him to raise my career from
the dead, but when 1 got there he
wasn't available and so 1 had to talk
to Oral's unsaved half-brother, Anal
Roberts, and how ever since then
we've had a weekly radio ministry
on a three-station network out of
Shelby, Montana, where we ask
people to send in all their money so
that someday well have enough to
build a actual radio station in Shelby.
Well, we need $400 million. I'm
not gonna sugar-coat it. I know it
sounds like a lot, but do you know
what might happen if everbody
readin' this column don't get up off
their hineys right now and send me
$400 million? I do. God appeared to
me' in a vision last night and he
TOLD me what's gonna happen if
Anal and me don't get the 400 mill:
"I will allow Oral Roberts to live
I tried to reason with the Big Guy.
I tried to tell Him He was makin'
the biggest mistake of His Life. But
He wouldn't budge.
"No way, Jose," said God. "Either
you get the cash or Oral gets Meth
usalized. I may not kill him off for
AT LEAST seven, eight centuries."
Now is this really what we want?
University' Square Chcpcl Hill 967-8935;.
Jca Dob Briggs
At the Drive-ln
After all, this is what the guy's been
shootin' for. Oral says if you get a
disease or a broke head, then all you
got to do about it is pray real hard
and ask God to make you look like
Jack Lalanne, and this is the reason
there are so many 650-year-old
billionaire Christians hangin' around
Finally I was able to get one little
concession out of God.
"O.K., O.K., O.K., if you get the
money in TWO MONTHS," He told
me, "then 111 take Oral off your
hands. I'm not PROMISING. At this
point I'm saying it's just a strong
possibility that I could, you know,
arrange a little accident during choir
practice, something like that."
"Something involving a soprano?"
"I'm NOT promising the Soprano
Treatment, now just stop it, that's the
last I want to hear on the subject."
So there you have it, and I think
you can see what's before us. Two
months. Four hundred mill. Make
the checks out to "Joe Bob Briggs
Tax-Free Evangelistic Radio Minis
try," and make SURE that at the
bottom of every check you write
either "Thumbs Up" or "Thumbs
Down." Don't worry about gettin'
the spelling right. God will know
what you mean.
Speaking of people with a death
wish, "Assassination" is the latest
Bronson flick, and he even smeared
three tons of pancake makeup on his
wife and put HER in the movie.
Basically here's what we got: Jill
Ireland is the First Lady, better
known as the Witch, of Endorf.
Bronson is the Secret Service man
who draws "One Mama" duty on
inauguration day and ends up beggin'
to be let off even if it means lettin'
Rosalynne Carter stand on his
elbows in spiked high heels, which
is the way Jimmy likes it. Anyhow,
she don't like him, he don't like her,
and somebody is tryin' to kill her.
First a biker tries to rifle her in
the bubbletop, but Bronson kicks her
into the floorboard and sits on her.
V -' J If X
At, r , if I ... I m..t
Bronson threatens his wife with
Then they blow up her yacht in Long
Beach while she's waitin' to get on
it, but Bronson wrestles her to the
carpet, climbs on top of her, and
bear-hugs her to safety. Then they
try to bazooka her copter with a heat
seekin' bottle rocket, but Bronson
sniffs 'em out with a sweat detector
and blows up a dairy barn. Then Jill
Ireland decides to run away to the
Gettysburg Battle field for safety, so
Bronson follows her, gets to see her
in her underwear, and machine-guns
the geek from "Midnight Express."
Then they can't decide whether to
take Greyhound or buy a couple of
Harleys, so a terrorist named Reno
makes up their mind for 'em by
chasin' 'em in , a brand-new pickup
until he crashes into a river and forces
'em to buy a really bad '60's dune
buggy from an Indian. And then the
most terrifying scene of all:
THE TERRORISTS TRY TO
DESTROY HER DADDY'S
HOUSE AT TAHOE.
. No breasts. Seven dead humans.
One dead reporter. Two quarts
blood. Exploding cycle, yacht, speed
boat, pick-up. Gratuitous Kokomo,
Ind. Motorcade Fu. Dairy barn Fu.
Amtrak Fu. Drive-In Academy
Award nominations for Jill Ireland,
for Pancake Makeup Fu; Michael
Ansara for still puttin' "Cochise" on
his resume; Jan Gan Boyd, as
Bronson's sidekick, for sayin' "Are
your salmon swimming upstream?";
t un)cm rcsinirtnt
Polish, French, German
and Scandinavian Cuisine
Early Bird Specials
hull meal ot vour cnoice
Open for Dinner Only
7 Days a Week at 5:30
All ABC Permits
300-BW. Rosemary St 929-9162
death if she doesn't cool it with
and Bronson, for sayin' "I don't
wanna tie up with a terminal
orgasm." Two stars.
Video Releases This Week: "Kill
joy" (1981): Weirdo hospital who
dunit starrin' Kim Basinger as
autopsy-room attendant on everyb
ody's dance card, Robert Culp as
goofball detective tryin to figure out
who killed a blond bimbo. Decent,
but no grime. Two and a half stars.
"Gorath" (1963): Japaheeno
scientists can't stop Gorath, the red
fireball that's devouring space gar
bage and headin' straight for earth,
due to budget problems. Dubbed.
"Assault With a Deadly Weapon"
(1982): Eyetalian cop decides to
rehabilitate street punks by ramming
their heads through pinball machines
and beating up whining hunchbacks.
Impressive body count. Two stars.
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Communist Alert! The Pacific
Drive-In in San Pedro, California,
gone. Size: 13 acres. Communist-in-charge:
Pacific Theatres. New use:
mini-warehouses and business park.
Losers: Meskin moviegoers. What we
can do: can't do diddly. Remember,
without eternal vigilance, it can
happen here. To discuss the meaning
of life, or to get the "We Are the
Weird" newsletter, write: Joe Bob
Briggs, P.O. Box 33, Dallas, Texas,
E-Z CARE TOP
18" to 48"
30" x 48" TOP
the make-up in "Assassination"
Dear Joe Bob: Is it possible for
you to let me know where I can
acquire some of the much-touted
"Rip Away" Bras and Shirts? I am
breast-feeding my new baby and
"normal" clothes are NOT condusive
to this activity! All of the fumbling,
unbuttoning and adjusting is truly
"Ninny Fu"!! ,
The posing point of this correspon
dence: Why do ONLY Black people
get the GOOD nicknames?
Case in point:
White people: Biff, Bubba, Butch,
Buddy, Sonny, YAWN!
Oriental people: Nothing! And
there's SO MUCH potential in sumo
wrestling in the likes of "Miko 'Mt.
Fuji Buns' Nyshure"!!
Hispanic people: Nothing! White
people in the media are so afraid of
offending someone, they stumble
thru and slaughter the difficult,
foreign pronounciation instead of
hanging a "Tequila Breath," or even
"Your Sister" on!
And justlook at what the Brothers
have: Oil Can, White Shoes, The
Juice, Magic, Too Tall, Hollywood,
Mookie, all the Islamic names and
I could go on and on! (And that's
Can you find out the answer to
this? I think there's room for a
"Society to Equalize W.A.S.P. and
other Small Minority Nicknames!"
The Milk Wagon (Ninny Fu).
See Joe Bob page 11
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