4The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, March 19, 1987
Joe Bob
It's Us!
A whole lot of hoopla over
North Carolina hoopsters
This is the time of year when a
bunch of skinny guys from North
Carolina play basketball all day and
all night on ESPN until they're good
enough to get nicknames like "Funk
Attack" and "Slush Man," and then
they deny they've received any cash
payments in the last two months,
even though "every body else does it,"
and then they play games against
OTHER teams from North Carolina
in places called the Dribble Dome
that have a seating capacity of
125,000 arid haven't had an empty
seat in the last 87 years, and then
they go to the NC Double-A tour
nament and they beat a team from
Texas, 94 to 7, and then they play
a team from Kansas or Indiana (87
to 24), and then maybe they have to
beat a halfway decent team like
somebody from Dee Cee or Las
Vegas or West El Lay, and then
finally they get the field narrowed
down to North Carolina, North
Carolina State, North Carolina A&I,
Western Carolina, Eastern Carolina,
Carolina Tech, Southwest North
Carolina State, North Carolina
Baptist Bible College for White
People That Never Have Sex With
One Another, and the North Carol
ina Institute for the Blind, and then
all these teams go to Norleans to see
who gets to sit around all next year,
going, "Gee, remember back in the
old days when we used to play
basketball just EIGHT months a
year?"
And then somebody elseH say,
"Yeah, lot slower pace, too only
30 or 40 games televised."
"You go back far enough, we used
to have to beat teams in the rest of
the country, too."
"Oh yeah, 1 remember that year.
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It s your child's time...his moment of truth.
Is Your Child...A little shy
Picked last to play on a team?
Not interested in outdoor games?
Being picked on?
Need association with others?
Confidence
Co-ordination
Strength
Self Defense
Friendship
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Karate
International
mo
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We beat SOUTH Carolina."
Out here in Grapevine, we only
had four guys this year that knew
how to dribble, and they were all
livin' at the nursing home. Part of
the problem is your state schools out
here. If you get enrolled at some place
like West Texas State, and they find
out you know how to put a round
object in a round hole, then you
automatically get 45 hours advanced
placement credit and end up gradua- "
tin' two years early, before your
eligibility is used up. So it don't
happen much that we get any bas
ketball teams, except for the years
when Nigerians enroll at the Univer
sity of Houston 'cause the neighbor
hood looks exactly like downtown
Lagos.
That's why, last year about this
time, I drove out to Raleigh, N.C.,
and looked in on a couple games they
were havin and got drunk with some
nerds from Duke and hung around
the Incredibly Huge Skymaster Slam
Dunk Dome or whatever it is where
they play basketball out there, and
after witnessin the whole deal, I got
one question and one question only:
If their basketball teams are so
great, how come all the coaches look
like somebody set their noses on fire
and then put them out with a meat
tenderizer?
Speaking of grotesquely disfigured
heroes, Freddy Krueger is back as
the country's favorite child molester
in "A Nightmare on Elm Street 3:
Dream Warriors," which is better
than Two but not as good as One
and Is basically about how Freddy
is responsible for the teen suicide
problem in this country today.
Freddy's out there jumpin into their
dreams, nppin' their wrists open.
to assert himself?
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Sometimes you can hardly recognize that darn Freddy Krueger in
pullin out their veins and usin them
as puppet strings. They all end up
at the county nuthouse, havin group
therapy with Craig Wasson, until
ta-daaaa! Heather Langenkamp
shows up to kick Freddy's hiney.
That's right. After New Line
Cinema made the incredibly tacky
decision NOT to use Heather in
Numero Two-o, the original Nancy
Thompson is back. (Last year, when
I raised holy Hades about it and
demanded to know what hapopened
to her, the high sheriffs in New York
City told me she ran off and they
couldn't find her. You know where
she was all that time? Stanford
University, studyin' Russian! She's
trainin' to be an ant-eye-Communist
CIA agent like Fawn Hall.) Anyhow,
Nancy Thompson shows at the
nuthouse, with a real pathetic gray
streak in her hair to show this is six
Offering
Classes
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Children,
Adults,
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Families
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years later, and starts jumpin' in the
kids' dreams with 'em and stickin'
incredibly long pointy objects
through Freddy's stomach and tellin'
all the high school girls it's really not
necessary to slit their wrists and make
their Mamas mad at 'em.
Then this white nun who's hangin'
around the hospital tells Craig
Wasson he's got to go find John
Saxon, Heather's daddy from the
first movie, and find out where
Freddy's bones are so they can bury
'em in holy ground, and then Heather
and a bunch of sitcom actors and
actresses can go down to Freddy Hell
in .their sleep and fry his gizzards.
So this is what they do, and I got
to admit, in the final Intestine Fu
Finale, we establish some new vomit
level readings.
Three breasts. Nine dead bodies.
MilchcU's Formal
Vear
Parkway Piaza II -
4934Q74
The largest formal wear
company in the Southeast
with 100 convenient loca
tions and over forty years of
experience.
T9 havo Iho lockyotfto cZoi"
CLOSED OUT?
Enjoy The Good Life At
KENSINGTON TRO
THE STUDENT COMMUNITY
WEAVER DAIRY ROAD (OFF
a "Nightmare on Elm Street 3."
Seven gallons blood. Attack Wheel
chair. Cadillac fin impalement.
Stomach plunging. Steel-claw
bathroom fixtures. Chest carving.
Wrist slitting. Tricycle burning.
Dragon-mouth cast-digesting. Vein
yankin'. Tongue tying, with real
tongues. Head rolls. Head talks and
rolls. Gratuitous Dick Cavett. Excel
lent gratuitous attack-pig effect.
Gratuitous Zsa Zsa Gabor eating.
Kung Fu. Scalpel Fu. Skeleton Fu.
Hypodermic finger Fu. Drive-In
Academy Award nomination for
Heather Langenkamp, for passing
Russian Studies; Patricia Arquette,
as Kristen, for bein' Giff Arquette V
other daughter; Roger Englund, as
Freddy Krueger, the one and only;
and Chuck Russell, the director, for
doing a heckuva job even though
everbody's gonna think Wes Craven
made it. Three and a half stars.
This week's Drive-In Video
Releases:
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Part 2"(1986): Most famous can bal
family in history collects Yuppie
Meat on Texas OU Weekend, runs
into Dennis "I Am the King of .thf
Harvest" Hopper, and most
terrifying of all calls up the radio
station and requests Humble Pie.
Three stars.
"Reform School Girls" (1986):
Wendy O. Williams starts food fights
See JOE BOB page 5
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