4TWOaiyTw riiThufay: WafcK 26, 1987-'l
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Wednesday, April 1, 1987
8."00pjn.
MEMORIAL HALL - UXC
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Our SteaksTaste Better
BecauseThey Are Better.
Joe Bob
r
In honor of Spring Break, here's
what you been waitin' all week for
the annual Joe Bob Briggs guide
to the Top Five Party Schools in
America. 1 been spendin' a whole
heck of a lot of time researchin' it
this year, getting drunk with numer
ous brain-damaged professors of
Wood Alcohol during the "Joe Bob
Briggs Dead in Concert" world tour.
The only students eligible to advise
me on the selections must have:
a) a criminal record
b) the ability to "gator" while sober
c) a minimum of three "incom
pletes" from fall semester, three
failing courses as of March 1, and
at least nine hours of credit from the
sociology department.
OK. let's roll. The results, in
reverse order:
The FIFTH best party school in
America is . . .
University Of Northern Colorado.
This is the only one in the Top Five
1 haven't personally inspected, but
their reputation for wild-dog bestial
ity, especially in the coed housing,
has spread four states away and
caused me to include 'em even if
they're just amazing liars. Here's the
facts:
Where it it? Greeley, Colo.
Where's that? I don't know.
What do 1 have to do to get in?
Score a solid 230 on your SATs.
Drink of choice? Triple-tequila
lizard-tail shooters.
Spring break destination? Palm
Springs, where they all hang around
Bob Hope Boulevard goin, "Wanna
go chop down a palm tree and moon
some girls in Spandex lift-and-separate
body stockings?" (Country
boys.)
Rating: Four kegs on a 10-keg
scale.
Numero Four-O: University Of
Virginia. The former home of Kappa
Alphas able to bite the heads off
muskrats and juggle magnums at the
same time, these guy's have slipped
a couple notches in recent years.
Where is it? Charlottesville, Va.
What do 1 have to do to get in?
Have a daddy named anything "the
third."
Drink of choice? Creme de Mr.
Potato Head.
" Spring break destination? Lauder
dale, where you can recognize 'em
as the ones with twitchy lips and the
keys to Jaguars they left in Georgia
someplace cause "1 don't remember.
Officer."
Rating: Six kegs.
Numero Three-O: University Of
Arkansas. It gets lonely in the
Ozarks, so the official university
drinking age is 14. In January, three
guys took eight cases of Coors into
a dorm room on the west side of the
campus and didn't come out for six
days. They failed to set the record.
Where is it? Fayetteville, Ark.
What do I have to do to get in?
Repeat after me: "Whooooooooo pig
sooey." If you can say this accurately,.
ey,ya wanna party?
Drink of choice? "A big ole Bud,
unless we dont have a Bud, and then
a big ole Coors, unless we don't have
a Coors, and then a big ole Old
Milwaukee Tall boy, unless we don't
have . . ." Remember, we're talkin'
Ozarks.
Spring break destination? South
Padre Island, Texas, the guys
crammed in the Broncos, cuttin'
donuts on the National Seashore and
trying to rip the bikini off any girl
named Wilma.
Numero Two-O: The State Uni
versity Of New York at Stony Brook.
A newcomer to the list, these zoo
animals have an annual student
competition called "Let's Get Han
dicapped Day." This year's winner
consumed seven undiluted bags of
Arkansas Polio Weed and achieved
total paralysis.
Where is it? Somewhere out on
Long Island.
What do I have to do to get in?
Talk through your nose and tip the
admissions counselor a 20. (It's New
York.)
Drink of choice? Brandy Alex
ander Graham Bell. (After you drink
it, you spend the night punchm' MCI
numbers until you find one you can
steal, then you call 37 foreign
countries.)
Spring break destination? Any
motel with an average temperature -above
55. (NASTY girls.)
Rating: 10 kegs.
And finally, this year's grand
champion party school:
Northern Arizona University.
Recently set the world record for
something called "alcohol probation"
when three entire dorms spray
painted the resident hall director and
distributed Coors 12-packs to every
single member of a 48-member
sorority in return for something
called "grease-monkey window danc
ing." 1 don't know what it is, but I
don't condone it, and I'd like some.
Where is it? Flagstaff, Ariz., up in
the mountains.
What do I have to do to get in?
Find it.
Drink of choice? The Grand
Canyon Cooler, made from a Mes
calero Indian recipe used for preg
nancy tests.
Spring break destination? Rocky
Point, Mexico. I'm not kidding. They
make caravans for Sombrero-Land,
Boys Town, Hasta La Vistaville, and
play the old college game "Don't
Worry About It, We're Americans!"
Afterwards they have a memorial
service for victims.
Rating: off the scale.
Speaking of indigestion, "Evil
Dead II" is the sequel to the winner
of the Drive-In Academy Award in
1984, the original Spam-in-a-cabin
zombie flick where there's only one
way to kill the geeks total dis
memberment. And this may be one
of the few times in drive-in history
where the sequel is BETTER than
the original. They released it unrated,
cause they were about to get an X
for violence, and they were right. It
scores a 99 on the Vomit Meter and
sets the world record for blood-and-slime
spewing.
. Ash is. back. Remember the guy
who couldn't decide whether to carve"
up his girlfriend or not alter she
turned zombie on him in the first
flick? This time, he don't hesitate.
She's chainsaw meat by the end of
20 minutes, and pretty soon Ash is
getting rammed through a wind
shield, pitched through doors, and
watching his girlfriend come up out
of her grave and do a little dance
for him. She don't just dance topless,
she dances HEADLESS. And by the
time her head gloms onto his hand
and he has to put the head in a vise
to squash the life out of it, we know
that this time nobody is gonna forget
that there's only ONE WAY to kill
the zombies: total dismemberment.
Arms. Legs. And, yes, head, must
roll. Two zombie breasts. Six dead
bodies. Blood-spewing. Zombie
detached-hand attack. Hand spear
ing. Hand sawing. Flying-eyeball
swallowing. Fruit-cellar demon
attacks. Zombie axing. Heads roll.
Hands roll. Everything else rolls. A
99 on the barf meter. Glopola City.
Double-barrel sawed-off shotgun
blast through the eyes of a demon
Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nom
"inations for Dan Hicks, as the
redneck guide, for leading everybody
into the woods to find his dead
girlfriend and saying, "These pages
dont mean squat!"; Kassie Wesley,
for getting raped, pillaged and killed
by the woods (not IN the woods, BY
the woods); Sam Raimi, the best
director from Deetroit, for doing it
twice; and Bruce Campbell as Ash,
for saying, "Am I fine? We just cut
up our girlfriend with a chainsaw.
Does that sound fine?"
Four stars. Best of 87. Joe Bob
says check it out.
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Victory over Communism! A letter
poured in from Angela Allen at
KICKS 104 radio in Nashville,
Tenn., informing me that employees
of the station have PERSONALLY
a ii . u .J. .: j : .u -
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greater Nashville area, including four
in Hendersonville, Tenn., home of
the Man in Black, and that in several
cases Angela herself has provided the
in-car entertainment. To discuss the
meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to
get some free junk, write: Joe Bob
Briggs, P.O. Box 33, Dallas, Texas.
75221.
Dear Joe Bob: 1 was sitting here
in a hotel room, reading your movie
review with the television on, when
a thought occurred to me. What will
the increase in frontal and backal,
nudity on free TV do to drive-in
movies? They're almost gone as is.
Even in Southern California where
you can go all year! Like heaven! But
if drive-in movies disappear, what
will you do for a job? Do you have
some skill to fall back on? Maybe
a trade? I hope so! Best Regards
Kevin Morton, Rodeway Inn, Palm
Springs, Calif.
Dear Kevin: Any guy on spring
break that don't have nothing better
to do than write me letters deserves
all the backal nudity he can get.
The day they show a boob close
up on the network, Kevin, is the day
I. retire.. The revolution . will be
cornptete-. '-"