By JOE BOB BRIGGS
For the first year since 1983, the
drive-in-going public of this great
country of ours was allowed to
choose the Drive-ln Academy Award
Winners, and frankly. I'm a little
steamed. No Sybil Danning my
choice for Best Actress, "mainly on
the basis of her ability to strap an
AK-47 Kalashnikov semi-automatic
assault rifle across the front of a
bikini top. No Sonny Bono my
choice for Best Monster, as the giant
Caesar's salad with a bad singing
voice in "Troll." And no Virginia
Loridans the first woman ever to
take out ADVERTISEMENTS for
her breasts to try to win Breast
Actress. 1 realize a lot of you didn't
have a chance to see "Mountaintop
Motel Massacre." but let's give the
girl some credit for SPUNK, OK?
Nobody showed up to accept their
Hubby Awards, as usual. We had the
ceremonies on West 33rd Street in
New York City, two or three blocks
from the Garden, which was the
closest place we could find from the
Times Square, where they were
havin' the world premiere of "Pret
tykill," which is what 1 was doin' in
New York city in the first place. And
also, we thought if we did it in New
York City, somebody would show up
this year.
Nope.
Anyhow, we had 2,457 people send
in Drive-ln Academy Awards ballots
this year. We threw out about 200
of those for not takin' the deal
seriously (write-ins for indoor bull
stuff stars like Paul Newman), and
then we threw out about 350 for being
stupid, and then we counted up the
rest of them, except for the ballot
from Gus Simpson of Hobbs, N.M..
which we didn't count 'cause he owes
me 30 bucks.
OK, so here's the results.
BEST SCREEN WRITING
And the winner is:
"The Fly," for the line, "1 won't
be just another timorous bore,
talking about his hair falling out and
his lymph nodes."
The most popular runners-up
were:
-Shadow Play": "The taste of you
is on my tongue again, and I will
graze till morning."
And "Cobra": "You're a disease
and I'm the cure."
Congratulations to Canadian
maniac David Cronenberg, director
of "The Fly" and winner of many
Drive-ln Academy Awards in the
past. But too bad. Dave,. cause you
did NOT win the category of .
EST DIRECTOR
n extremely bizarre
Academy Awards
And the winner is . .
Stephen Herek, director of "Crit
ters," the movie where porcupine
tumbleweeds from outer space
answer the question, "What's eating
the American farmer?"
Runners-up:
Lamberto Bava, the Eyetalian
director of "Demons," where an
entire audience at the movie house
gets turned into linguine noodles by
head-chomping Method actors.
And Tobe Hooper, a double threat
with "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Part 2" and "Invaders From Mars,"
which featured the great Louise
Fletcher frog-eating gross-out scene.
BEST FU
And the winner is . . .
Lee Marvin Eyebrow Fu in "Delta
Force." Was there ever any doubt?
Lee, get a trim, careful where you
point those babies.
Runners-up:
Julie Newmar Driving a Killer
Chrysler Fu in "Streetwalkin."
Mutant Green Tomato-Head Fu
in "Invaders From Mars."
BEST MONSTER
And the winner, by the greatest
landslide of any category, is . . .
Bill Johnson, as Leatherface the
lovable cannibal, in "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre Part 2." 1 guess
all our hearts were breaking when
he decided NOT to eat the female
lead.
Runners-up:
The Baboons that wait by the side
of the road and throw their bodies
against your windshield till they
break and then eat your face in "In
the Shadow of Kilimanjaro."
The Critters in "Critters."
BEST BAD GUY
And the winner is . . . (Weak
category this year)
Nick Cassavetes, as the local
goonhead gang leader in "Quiet
. Cool" and the local goonhead gang
leader in "The Wraith" and the local
goonhead gang leader in every other
movie last year, whose idea of true
love is hell kill anybody that looks
at his girlfriend.
Runners-up:
James Booth, who wrote "Pray
For Death" and also played Lime
house, the guy who gets his jollies
out of pouring gasoline on people
and saying "Hey, how about a Viking
funeral?"
Ozzy Osbourne, as the TV
preacher in "Trick or Treat," for his
critiques of the albums "Torture's
Too Kind" and "Do It Like a Dog."
BEST ACTRESS
And the winner is . .
Melissa Leo, as the girl who gets
immediately falls in love with a pimp
in the bus station, dresses up like
Erich von Stroheim and tells old men
to moo like a cow, and gets person
ally offended when her business
associates make sexist remarks.
Runners-up:
Yeardley Smith, as Connie the
whining newlywed in "Maximum
Overdrive." for saying "Curtis, are
you dead?" and "Oh, honey, you're
bleeding like a stuck pig!"
Geena Davis, as the girlfriend in
"the Fly," for saying, "You look bad,
you smell bad, and you have these
weird hairs growing out of your
back."
BREAST ACTRESS
And the winner in this great year
for bustlines is .
Andree Maranda, the blind girl
who likes to go on campouts in "The
Toxic Avenger." The only perfor
mance of 1986 done entirely with the
female breasts.
Runners-up:
Mart a Kober, who goes on a date
with an entire punk band in "School
Spirit."
Natale McCurry. the world
famous 1983 Miss Young Inter
national of Australia, who spends
most of her time in "Dead End Drive
ln" either aardvarking in the backseat
or havin' her hair raked into a bean
sprout sandwich like Pat Benatar.
BEST GOOD GUY
It's incredible, but the winner for
the third straight year is . . .
Arnold the Barbarian, for "Raw
Deal," where he destroys an entire
building by himself, and where he
utters the dL,sic line, "You shouldn't
drink and bake."
Runners-up:
Chuck Norris, who invades
Lebanon in "Delta Force" and
wanders around the jungle grinnin
in "Firewalker."
Charles Bronson, for hunting
down Carrie Snodgress in "Murphy's
Law."
And finally ...
BEST FLICK
And the winner is . .
"Pray For Death," the best kung
fu movie made since 1974, the year
Bruce Lee's head blew up. about a
Japaheeno ninja who moves to
Houston to start a little neighbor
hood group, lay some bathroom tile,
play a little Frisbee, enroll the kids
in soccer, but first he had to kill the
48 members of the Houston Mafia.
Runners-up:
"The Fly," where Jeff Goldblum
gets Cream-of-Wheat Cancer Face
and practices his gymnastics.
And, of course. "Demons."
Remember, 87 might be worse. Joe,
The Daily Tar
Clint Eastwood plays in the mud
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Victory Over Communism! Joe
Bob's fifth-anniversary newsletter.
"We're STILL the Weird," has gone
back to press for the third time, which
is why a thousand sick people don't
have theirs yet. For your free copy
or to discuss the meaning of life,
write: Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 33,
Dallas, Texas 75221.
Dear Mr. Briggs: Please help me
to understand why the expressions
of rock singers always resemble that
of a constipated person sitting on a
toilet. Belle Mount, San Francisco
Dear Belle: Cause they can't
understand how you always get into
the bathroom.
Dear Joe Bob: Well, I hope you're
satisfied! Jimmy and Tammy Bakker
are out of a job. Jimmy Swaggert
is all upset. Oral Roberts is still living
and Jerry Falwell is probably gonna
turn Commonist. Your slanderous,
yellow-dog journalism is just another
reason why the First Amendment
should be outlawed.
1 can tell Tammy is extremely upset
and worried, because her eyes are all
black and blue, her make-up is an
inch thick on one side of her face,
and only a quarter inch on the other.
Not only that, but the poor thing had
12 pounds of jewelry on one arm and
27 pounds on the other. This whole
tragic episode has her unbalanced.
And Jimmy must have worried
himself into a frazzle as his hair looks
like its about three different shades
of orange. And Jimmy Swaggert has
his collar buttoned and he don't
sweat no more. And Oral looks like
he's turned into a Preppie. What a
mess you have made.
I think that from how -on You' had
ucuer ii reviewing pUCner-
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Heel Thursday, April 16, 19877
Joe Bob-
and buys a hat at the the state fair
shows. Also 1 agree with the doctor
(the Silver Spring MD) that wrote
in about your insultin' Meskins and
Bimbos. Meskins should be called
Spanish-Americans and Bimbos
should be called Broads. Straighten-
up or youll end up at the Times
Herald again. Dave Hake. Lea
wood. Kan.
Dear Dave: Oral's fine. He was
down here in Texas last week and
he says he spent 10 solid days in the
Prayer Tower, lost 40 pounds and
sprouted a new liver.
Hi Joe Bob: I am in the U.S. Air
Force currently stationed in South
Korea on a remote (very remote)
assignment for a seemingly endless
12 months. 1 am 31 years old and
married. My wife is living in the
exciting state of Kansas while I serve
my time here.
Joe Bob, 1 live in a very small hole
in the wall in a barracks that, surely
w as built shortly after the end of the
Korean War. The barrack0 :s infested
with roaches and rats Uvriously).
Someone wrote in to our base
newspaper last week askin' what can
be done about the rats that are seen
climbing down the curtains in our
dining facility.
A fan Paul E. Linnabary.
Ch'Orwon, South Korea.
Dear Paul: Feed them the Air
Force food.
Hey Joe Bob, High Ya doin? I'm
here on Calif's North Coast,
deranged and happy. Remember, U
can pick your friends and U can pick
your nose, but U can't wipe your
friends on your shirt.
Your pen-pal, Steve Petersen. Fort
Bragg, Calif.
Dear Steve: Was that really
necessarv
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