8The Tar Heel Thursday, May 21, 1987
The tratlta silboMt "Tailgate": imotlhiiniMhiappeeedl
1 guess it's too late now. since
Gary Hart already dropped out of
the president's race because of the
"Tailgate" scandal, but I have
some new evidence that gets him
off the hook. I followed Gary
around for four days on the
campaign trail, wrote down every
single time he took off his shorts,
which, lemme say right here, is not
a pleasant assignment, and estab
lished a relationship with Gary's
traveling secretary. Trudi "Jugs"
Fillmore. In fact. I got Trudi to
type up all the results of the
investigation.
foe Bob Biigp
At the Drive-In
April 17, 4:06 p.m, Fort Laud
erdale, Fla. Gary boards his pri
vate yacht, "The Yankee Zipper,"
for 24 hours of intense speech
preparation, accompanied only by
his closest aides, 27-year-old
makeup consultant Karen Funnel,
and three 14-year-old Watusi girls.
During this time Gary came in
contact with no one else, except
the Miami Herald scuba team
pressing their goggles up to the
master bedroom porthole.
Nothing happened.
April 18, 11:14 a.m, Key West
Fla. After a quick flight aboard
his private campaign plane, "The
Whangdoodle," Gary addresses
the South Carolina Elk Club.
Afterwards Gary rents an island
off the coast and entertains 437
Elks with the help of Whangdoo
dle flight attendants. Again
nothing happens. Gary goes to bed
early, about 7:15.
April 19, 9:45 a.m., Washing
ton After stopping at the Charles
ton airport to buy 10 giant stuffed
teddy bears, Gary flies to the
capital and enters a Georgetown
condominium owned by Heather
"The Human Pretzel" Funder
burk, a longtime family friend.
After two hours of non-stop
campaigning, he leaves the condo
and hands Heather a white enve
lope full of campaign donations
for safekeeping. Nothin'
happened.
April 19, 3:25 p.m, Fairfax,
Va. Gary is greeted by the entire
Congressional delegation from the
state of Vermont, meeting in the
executive session at Geno's Top
less in suburban Washington for
discussions on the maple syrup
industry. Gary watches a maple
syrup demonstration, but leaves
early and stops at the Lincoln
Memorial to pick up Rachel
LeBrock, a researcher for the
department of Agriculture who
agreed to take some specimens
from Gary for lab analysis. She
tells him that the results were
negative, and the two old friends
See JOE BOB page 9
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