The Tar HeelThursday. May 21, 19879
from 8
Jo9 IBob
spend the afternoon discussing
holds used by the World Wrestling
Federation. Nothin happens.
NothinnothirTnothin I admit,
1 was trying to get something on .
the guy, but as far as 1 see, he
was railroaded into quittin' by the
Miami Herald nerds. Let's face it,
if they are not getting any, they
don want Gary to get any either.
Speaking of private parts, "The
Hanoi Hilton" is the flick about
American POW's over Nam who,
if they did not talk to the guys
in black pajamas, got a big ole
battery attached to their groceries
and then the Cong played "Let's
make him twitch like a froggie"
with the generator. There arent a
lot of musical comedy tunes in this
flick, 'cause Lionel Chetwynd, the
director, spent about 10 years
talking to prisoners from the real
Hanoi Hilton, Hao Lo Prison,
where POW's got burr haircuts
and ate ratchops for supper.
Michael Moriarty is the
Numero Uno American prisoner
who gets his teeth kicked in several
times for tryin' to act like an
American. Basically all we got for
two hours is leather straps, Room
18 where a maniac smelly Cuban
makes the Americans give him
whatever info he wants, and a
whole bunch of loudspeaker
broadcasts from Ho Chi Hanna
or whatever the heck they called
her, who spends all day tellin the
Americans how much the Com
mies love 'em, and a Commie
camp commander who walks
around sayin', "What we will not
win on the battlefield, your jour
nalists will win for us on your very
doorstep." In other words, Jane
Fonda Fu. The part that really
makes you sick is when this
"Entertainment Tonight" crew or
somebody like Mary Hart comes
over there and gets three guys
released the weenie scum
informers. And it's like a big deal
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propaganda victory for the
Commies.
Pony up the full five bucks for
this one. Only about six dead
bodies. Three quarts blood. Two
hundred beasts (Commies). No
breasts, and you wouldn't wanna
see 'em in Hanoi anyhow. Drive
in Academy Award nominations
for Michael Moriarty as William
son, Lawrence Pressman as Cath
cart, John Edwin Shaw as Mason,
Aki Aleong as the Commie jerk,
and Michael Russo as Fidel, the
Cuban Commie jerk. Great flick.
Four stars.
This week's drive-in video
releases:
"The Fly" (1986): Same story as
the 1958 version with Vincent
Price, only this time the fly is fused
with Jeff Goldblum and so we feel
sorry for the FLY. Best drive-in
makeup effects in history, for Jeffs
Cream-of-Wheat cancer face.
Winner of two Drive-In Academy
Awards. Real disgusting. Four
stoxs
"Shadow Play" (1986): Worst
movie in drive-in history, featuring
Dee Wallace as a poet who says
the following lines: "The taste of
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you is on my tongue again, and
I will graze till morning." And I
am enthralled to the Muses and
they are, by God, calling." Gra
tuitous Cloris Leachman as the
psychic bubblehead mama of
Dee's dead lover. Zero stars, and
I wish it could be less.
"American Justice." (1986):
About some corrupt Tucson cops
that round up wetbacks when they
come across the border, weed out
the pretty Meskin girls, and sell
'em off for pimp bait. Then some
TV actors from "Simon and
Simon" come to town, watch a
skinhead Marine deputy shotgun
a Meskin girl in a cactus field, and
pretty soon you got vigilantes
sprayin' shotgun justice aroung
Nogales. Twelve bodies. Two
StHTS
"Deadly Friend" (1986):
"Breakfast Club" version of "Bride
of Frankenstein," about a pretty
girl that gets her head bashed in
by her slimehead father, but the
kid next door has an artificial
brain robot named Bee Bee, so he
steals her body, does a little
See JOE BOB page 20
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