Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / June 11, 1987, edition 1 / Page 12
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12The Tar Heel Thursday, June 11, 1987 J.R. weeps, Sue Ellen 4rinks on new 'Dallas says insider I been hanging around with the cast of "Dallas'" for about a month now, pickin' up pointers, sellin' access to Linda Gray's trailer for a dollar a minute, and kung-fuing all the Japanese tourists that hang around Southfork going "Yay R! Yay R! Velly too much money!" Anyhow, the bottom line is I got what I wanted. Remember, you read it here first. I got all the plots of "Dallas" for next season. In September, Miss Ellie gets AIDS but refuses to accept Dr. Cadwallader's diagnosis. When her Skin starts falling off, she insists it must have been the toilet seat at the Daughters of the Alamo -headquarters, so J.R. vows hell have all restrooms in downtown Dallas doused with sulphuric acid. S3 I Present this Coupon When Ordering HaKS3IKffiRiKISB 1 CWT iTwrtrflSrarTrrnrnTtoao PnmrfTt Greek. Medical and Profeaonal Designs Avaiabie Thursday, June 1 1 10a.m.-3 p.m. ,.. Student Joe Bob Briggs At the Drive-In Bobby finds out J.R. has been stealing sulphuric acid from Cliff Barnes for years and demands an explanation. J.R. admits having a three-year affair with Babs Brompton, heir to the Brompton sulphur empire in Wichita Falls, but shouts "I'd sleep with ANYB ODY for my mama!" Ray Krebs discovers he left a vat of sheep dip unattended in Section 40, and that one night, during an Alzheimer's "blackout," Miss Ellie dreamed she was a rambouillet ram and plunged into the murky depths. msrnoms Stores Dt The disease is rediagnosed as hoof-and-mouth brucellosis and treat ments are begun. As Miss Ellie improves, Sue Ellen drinks herself into a stupor over Babs Brompton. In October, J.R. decides to buy Bennington, Vt., with the family's money, even though Clayton Farlow hates the taste of syrup and J.R. knows it. When the two men meet one night in the bunkhouse, J.R. beats his stepfather to a mushy pulp and calls him a "filthy pile of goat-cheese dressing." Clayton is rushed to Dallas Memorial Hospital, where a CAT scan reveals part of his breain to be permanently mashed into the shape of Nova Scotia. Sue Ellen drinks herself into a stupor over Clayton's brain. Bobby starts having uncontrollable nightmares about sex with his mother, but Miss Ellie is understanding. She tells him about the nightmares she once had about sex with HER mother. J.R. visits Jock's grave to ask him what to do. Jock says, "I'm dead', I dont care." J.R. weeps. At the annual Oil Baron's Ball, J.R. seduces Fran Svenson, the 48-year-old Swedish secretary of his best friend, Stretch Carmichael, but discovers he's impotent while spread-eagled across a Coke machine in the maintenance room of the Ewing Building. In a rage, J.R. cancels his Coke contract and signs with Pepsi, infuriating Bobby, who just completed a deal to assign exclusive Coke vending rights to Cliff Barnes in order to settle the bad feelings over the time in 1879 when Digger Barnes' daddy had his shins fractured by a crowbar owned by Jock Ewing's daddy. Besides, Bobby had his eye on Fran himself. Sue Ellen drinks herself into a stupor over Fran, Stretch, Bobby, the fact you can't get Diet Coke in the Ewing Building and the terms of her Lorimar contract. Miss Ellie says, "J.R., as soon as I get up out of this bed, I'm gonna teach you a thing or two about baaa baaa baaa." J.R. books Miss Ellie into Fletcher Sanatorium in Fort Worth. Ray Krebs weeps. Speaking of grown men makin' r i i tlOVJVJEDSUUSBI Duy One Get One Pizsa r Lcscgna for V Price! Order 2 Identical Items Not Good With Other Coupons or Specials. Expires 61887 Willow Creek Shoppins Center 54 By-Pass and Jones Ferry Rd T $29-6593 J.... ) " zl r I j J (i j a L I 4 i f & Cast of 'Hard Ticket to Hawaii' conjugating Russian verbs obscure profits, Andy Sidaris called up a few weeks ago and said, "Joe Bob, I got a new one." "No, Andy, please, no, not another one already." Andy is the ABC sports director winner of NINE Emmys who likes to rent a camera once a year, tell 194 Playboy Playmates to take their clothes off, and embarrass the network. The last time he did this, the result was "Malibu Express," the story of a Tom Selleck lookalike livin' on a party barge with a whole lot of cleavage. "It's a sequel," Andy said "Andy, you cant have a sequel to a movie that don't have a plot." "It's a sequel, but it's different. You know all my movies have Playboy bunnies with big hooters in them?" "Yeah." "And how I always blow up some helicopters and shoot up a Featuring: 26 Nautilus machines, Wolff tanning beds, sauna, whirlpool, life cycle, aerobic classes, free weights Chapel Hill Nautilus XS. mmm Durham Nautilus Chapel Hill Blvd. priHrHcnn!inCt Hillsborough Rd. Straw Valley V ill )L JC-cUuuUviU4 (next to Best Products) 968-3027 4iFiTNESS center, inc. 383-0330 lot of mean-looking ethnic guys?" "Yeah." "Can't say there's not enough action in an Andy Sidaris movie, can you?" "Nope." "Well, we got something new this time." "Another Tom Selleck lookalike?" "No, we got a Warren Beatty lookalike. But here's the difference." "I cant wait." "Roaming the island during the movie is an unrelenting, horrifying and deadly mutant snake." "Mutant snake?" "Unrelenting, horrifying and deadly mutant snake." "Andy, you're trying to embar rass the network again, arent you? Roone isn't gonna like it." "You're gonna love this one. It's MADE for Joe Bob. Remember Student iummsr Shsps-Op Spsdnl 6 weeks $49 3 months $78 6 months $130 AVi'tViV.v.v.v: 4 4 . i 4 t I
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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June 11, 1987, edition 1
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