The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, September 10, 19877
Here's the (unofficial) schedule
for the Pooe's tour of the states
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
When completed in 2007. John Paul's
Jesus City will be staffed exclusively
Keep this schedule by your TV the by Dominican monks dressed up like
next few days. It's evervthina the Italian saints. The Pope will also
Pope is gonna be doing on his summer travel outside the city for a private
vacation. meeting with tnzio The Stopper
First day: His Holy Roly Polyness Leone, who wrote a letter to Rome
John Paul Numero Two-o will be asking how he can go to heaven. The
greeted at Miami International Air- Pope's advice will reportedly include
port by a Cuban couple and their 37 regular tooth-brushing, thinking nice
children. The Pope will kiss the
ground and all jet exhaust tubes on
his Delta plane. He will then check
into the Fountainbleu where a com
plimentary Banana Coco Loco, the
non-alcoholic St. Bartholomew
thoughts, and a low-salt diet
The Pope plans to stop off in El
Lay to cut his new single. "Lesbians
Look Ugly to God. Too." and then
he'll motor up the coast, chunk a few
rocks at Shirley MacLaine's beach
version, will be waiting on him. He'll house while shouting "Go back to
only have about 30 minutes to catch
rays, then it s off to
Columbia. S.C.! He will be greeted
at the airport by Lester and Wilma
Scroggins. a 63-year-old Catholic
couple who haven t had sex for 37
years and no longer desire it. They
3db B.C. and try again, stop at a
fish place in Monterey, head up to
San Francisco, and following his
custom, will give his speech in the
native language: "How about these
silk slippers? Are these cute or what?
I bet you'd just DIE for a pair.
will receive a very special blessing wouldn't you? Well, honey, they're
from His Celibateness before he goes
into a 30-minute meeting with the
South Carolina Legislature, which is
considering a statewide ban on the
sale of condoms to anybody who
knows how to use one.
Next, it's off to New Orleans, for
a jam session with Al Hirt and Pete
PURE sin. but they're little ole mine."
Finally, even though it wasn t on
the original schedule, the Pope's just
GOT to stop off in Detroit on the
way home. Why? Hometown of
Madonna. The Pope will issue his only
major policy address at that time,
dealing with sexual relations. The
Fountain. They don't call the Pope speech is called "LIKE a Virgin? She
'Mister Rhythm" for nothin.
Be sure to watch TV the day he
gets to San Antonio. The Pope will
be asked to break open a pinata and
here's the surprise part it will
be FILLED WITH ILLEGAL ALIENS.
Watch em tumble!
WAS a Goldang Virgin. And If She Can
Do It. You Can Too.
Speaking of a 175-year-old man,
this guy in "House II" decides to dig
up his great-great-grandpa's grave to
steal a maqic skull, only Gramos is
In a more serious vein, the Pope a mummy zombie who's so EVIL that
ne wants to muvl in wiih ihl
RELATIVES. So. Jesse, the great-great-grandson,
lets him live in the
basement for a while, but only if he
behaves himself and promises to go
win travel to pnoenix to conclude a
29-square-mile real estate deal for a
Catholic RV park and water slide.
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back into his grave after the vacation.
Then Jesse's dingbat friend Charlie
bops by, gets drunk with Gramps, and
lets him drive a 1986 Alfa Romeo
Spider. Then a Hercules caveman sort
of guy comes by the house to do the
pony at a costume party, only he ends
up punching out a monkey-suit extra,
stealin' the magic skull, and turning
the upstairs bedroom into an
alternative-universe set of out of
"Quest for Fire." Then there's a bunch
of plot about a pterodactyl and a
wormdog and how Jesse and Charlie
have to save the skull or else the
forces of evil will take over their
brains and then they go rescue a virgin
from some Aztec metalheads that
stuck their alternate universe behind
the light socket in the living room.
Finally somebody calls up the SWAT
team and. says, "There's an entire
audience being held hostage in this
movie." and so the SWAT team shows
up outside the house and starts
shootin' it out with ANOTHER 175-year-old
outlaw named Slim, only 1
can't remember how he got there.
No breasts. Fifteen dead bodies.
Two living dead bodies. One exploding
head. One motor vehicle chase.
Gratuitous Uzi semi-automatic sub
machine gun fire. Gratuitous worm
dog. Ironing board Fu. Mummy Fu.
Pterodactyl Fu. Aztec Fu. Tyranno
saurus Rex Fu. Drive-in Academy
Award nominations for Sean Cun
ningham, the mastermind producer
of "Friday the 13th" and "Spring
Break" and "The New Kids," for doing
it again; Lar Park Lincoln, as Kate the
airhead record exec wife, for saying
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Important health tip try not to let those bolo ties cut off the circulation
"Wow! who decorated this place?":
Amy Yasbeck. Charlie's bimbo girl
friend, for calling herself "the
Madonna of the 80s": John Ratzen
berger. as Bill the electrician, for"
saying. "I've seen this before and it's
always made my adenoids curdle":
and Royal Dano. as the 175-year-old
mummy Grandpa, for saying "I ain't
gonna die if it's the last thing I do";
and "Did you blow his head off?
That's a good boy."
Four stars. Joe Bob says check it
out.
C
s
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