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With his new chin and
By JOE BOB BRICGS
Bad. I'm bad. I know it.
See, a couple of weeks ago 1 was
in this ghetto house in New York City
where all the nasty boys were makin'
fun of me 'cause I wouldn't go out
and pull screwdrivers on eldery
Jewish ladies in the subways, and I
said "Am not am not." and also they
weren't sure whether I was white or
black, and so 1 said I'll show THEM
I'm white or black and I'll get $4
million worth of plastic surgery that'll
make me look more white but then
I'll go down in the subway with 'em
and knock a wino down with a
baseball bat and take his money to
show how BAD 1 am.
And so we went down to the
subway and I saw this old guy shufflin'
along and I looked at him and I said.
"Run! Run! I'm bad!" And so he ran
away and all the meanies came over
to me and they said they were gonna
beat the bejabbers out of me 'cause
I wasn't BAD.
And so you know what 1 did?
I hired Martin Scorsese and spent
$2 million of my own money and
made them stand there waitin' while
I spent two years in my studio cuttin
singles and gettin' all the Empty-V
cuts ready and playin' with all my
Chapel Hill's Upscale
Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner
in nn e
in. i in
138 E. Franklin St
Disney toys and my pet chimpanzee
Bubbles and then laid in the hyper
baric oxygen chamber for a long long
time, and then when 1 came out I
was dressed in these real cute
parachute pants with King Tut
shoulder straps on a "Captain From
Tortuga" gold-braided jacket and I
had my chin cosmetically changed
into Kirk Douglas' chin and my hairdo
turned into these little stringy deals
that go down on my forehead, and
I said, "OK. all you sweetie pies! I'm
ready to kick box!"
And so they came out at me and
I ATTACKED 'em with my 22-man
chorus line and fancy knee-shaking
crocodile kick and Martin, he was so
wonderful, he put all this dry ice in
there that made the subway look real
ICKY like subways look but it wasn't
too icky for teevee, and 1 told the
old meanies how BAD I was and how
they were messin' up their lives by
turnin" to a life of crime, and then
I flung some more zippers and buckles
at 'em and told 'em how they ought
to be drinkin' Pepsi even though I
wouldn't ever drink it 'cause it might
make my face crinkle, and then we
Eyewear Trunk Showing
Hope Valley Rd (At Hwys 54 & 751 )
hairdo, he's really BAD
did this cute little choo-choo train at
the end and then I pointed my white
finger at 'em and asked 'em to please
leave the subway 'cause they were
MISBEHAVING and we wanted to get
it cleaned up like Disneyland. And
then I did this little toe dance, 'cause
1 know that would show THEM.
And then they beat the stuffing out
Speaking of people that need brain
surgery, there's a whole bunch of
drive-in movies that Hollywood's
been promisin' and THEY NEVER
SHOW UP. So the following list is
some of the flicks that I been waitin'
for, lookin' for. droolin' for, and if
anybody out in El Lay is reading this,
I want you to get up off your hiney
and start filling those drive-in screens.
WE'RE sick of waitin' for:
"Angel River": Lynn-Holly Johnson,
the ice-skatin' Disney yupster. gets
kidnapped, raped and held captive by
a real greasy Meskin, but then she
gets control of the situation and has
some El Fun-o. Finished a long time
ago down in Mesko.
"Body Count": Latest from Eyetal
ian goremaster Ruggero Deadato.
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Thante for Matong Our first Year So Successful!
Poster says "The woods are alive with
the sound of screaming." Prove it.
"Family Honor": Meir Zarchi is
back! The director of "I Spit Upon
Your Grave." one of my all-time Top
10, bounces back from the vicious
smear campaign put on him by Roger
the Wimp Ebert and Gene the Simp
Siskel and makes his first flick in
several years. The ad line: "Steal,
Cheat. Murder, and Pay for It!"
"A Knight of Love": Bo Derek's next
movie, which she's supposed to
produce, star in. sell, distribute and
have sex with herself in. Oh yeah. John
"It's Time to Go Nekkid Again.
Honey" Derek is directing.
"Mankillers": Private dickettes
carryin' .45s and. in the case of Edy
Williams. 44s as well. Also stars Gail
Fisher (remember? from "Mannix"?).
"Penitentiary 111": Leon Isaac
Kennedy survives the divorce to whip
on another jockstrap, even though a
whole bunch of evil white guys don't
want him to.
"Order of the Black Eagle": "Evil
forces are out to destroy the world
and only the dirty half dozen stand
in the way." The "dirty half dozen"
Served a la carte -choose any pasta
with any sauce.
A hearty meat sauce "the marriage of pasta
and ragu is considered to be made in heaven"
Butter, parmesart cheese and cream with a touch
of nutmeg -great with fettucine.
from The Grin
Filleted and breaded crisp on the outside,
moist on the inside. Served with wild rice.
Scallops sauteed in wine and served over
Shrimp & Feta Cheese 9.95
Sauteed in tomato and wine sauce with feta
cheese and served over linguini
Also breaded, a truly outstanding dish. Served
with wild rice.
Dine Before 7.-00 And A Selection
ynb?rjr17 ftH IK'S vf7
could only be conceived by the mind
of the No. 1 director at Earl Owensby
Studios in Shelby. N.C. Worth
Keeter. It's a sequel to "Unmasking
"Terror on Alcatfaz": "Fury
Returns to the Rock of Alcatraz." Too
bad it returns as Aldo Ray. With
Veronica Porsche AIL
' "And God Created Woman": Roger
Vadim told Brigitte Bardot to get
nekkid for the first one in 1956. and
breast history was made when she
took it all off on the St. Tropez beach.
Now Roger is DOING A REMAKE OF
HIS OWN MOVIE. Can't wait to see
what else he can take off.
And finally, any flick with "blood"
in the title gets an automatic
endorsement in "Joe Bob Goes to the
Drive-in," so where the heck are
"Blood Diner": Made by the most
disgusting director working today
Jackie "No Relation to King" Kong.
Her previous flicks: "The Being"
(Dorothy Malone's mutant offspring
eats half of Idaho), and "Night
Patrol," which set the world record
See Joe Bob page 15
Chicken Piccata 9.45
Boneess chicken breast with light breading
sauteed in lemon butter, olive oil and seasonings
Served with Fettucine Alfredo.
Chicken AuPoivre 9.95
Filet of chicken breast stuffed with boursin
cheese, sausage and ground pepper, covered with
bread crumbs and baked to perfection Served
with Fettucine Alfredo.
Burgers & Sandwiches
Brass Rail Burger 3.65
13 pound lean ground beef served open-faced
on a lightly toasted bun with any or all of our
Brass Rail Cheeseburger 3.95
Same as our delicious beefburger, but with a
topping of real cheddar cheese.
Mushroom Sauce Burger 3.95
Our special mushroom sauce tops this one.
of Seafood or Chicken Entree 6.95