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6Tne Daily Tar HeelThursday, October 22, 1987
Having a hard time with relationships?
Here's a little advice on "humanizing"
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
Last week l was driving all over
creation, going on communist
inspired talk shows along with all the
psychologists who tell people how to
have better relationships with their
orthodontists and raise kids that
won't commit mass murder or turn
homosexual on 'em. and I met this
one husband-wife psychiatrist team
who were experts on how to have
sex when you're fat. only they looked
like they hadn't tried it lately, and
they taught me how to start
"humanizing" my relationships with
my immediate family, even though
most of my immediate family is
perverted like me.
Anyhow, it dawned on me along
about 9:30 a.m. in Denver, right after
I finished my part of the show and
right before the organic Zen burglar
who got off cocaine by hypnosis was
about to go on. it dawned on me that
this "humanizing" deal is what's been
wrong with me. All these years I had
non-humanized relationships. Like, to
give you an example, take my girl
friend Cherry Dilday. The reason it
never worked out was l was
kangaroo-izing the relationship. Part
of the reason was Cherry Dilday had
a face that looked like a kangaroo
that got mashed flat on the
Another thing I realized about my
life is how I'm afraid of my sexual
feelings. This was explained to me in
Seattle by Dr. T. Emmett Scranton
of Frankfurt. Ky.. the world-renowned
expert on the sexually handicapped.
Dr. Scranton told me that my obses
sion with 38 triple D's is actually a
desire to be rolled into a doughnut
and dunked by a Lily Tomlin look
alike. Now that I know this. I'm trying
to flex my psychosexual libido and
circumnavigate my navel.
But here's the biggie. It happened
in Cleveland while I was rappin with
Dr. Sullivan Sturges of the Betty Ford
Brain Research Center, and Dr.
Sturges stopped me in my tracks
when he diagnosed my "psychOpathia
El Chico digestibus." which is a very
serious brain disorder caused by
eating too many frozen Meskin TV
dinners. Fortunately. I have the mild
form, caused by consuming an aver-
age of 38 burritos a week, and not
the class A version, which involves
actually crossing the border, finding
a Meskin chef, and saying. "I'll have
one of them goat burgers, por favor."
This more serious type frequently
includes massive gunshot wounds
and missing cars. All I can say is. I
immediately went in for tests, got
my brain flushed out and sucked dry,
and I feel like a new man.
Next week's column: "The History
of the Encyclopedia Britannica: Part
I: European Mammals.
Speaking of brain tumors, this new
flick "The Curse" is one of the finest
wart-face Applachian cousin barfa
thons of this month. Directed by
David Keith. Mr. "Bodacious Ta Tas"
his ownself. the guy from "An Officer
and a Gentleman." It's about a giant
meteor that lands in east Tennessee
and drips outer-space mucus into the
water supply and turns Farmer Green
and his family into Farmer Gangrene
and his bedroom of twitching maniac
It's got a great performance in it
by Claude Akins. as the Bible
thumping farmer who can't under-
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If you dare, step into a dimension where the bizarre
is common place and enjoyment is unavoidable . . .
PWB ffWp fjB B B1 PP wB w
$50 Best Male
$50 Best Female
$100 Best Couple
Thursday, October 29th
(Must be 18 years or older.)
Doors Open At 8:00 pm
60C Beers $1.25 Shooter Specials
Also - A special live performance of
Michael Jackson's THRILLER!
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In the "The Curse," Cyrus gives
stand why his apples are-full of alien
wonder works and his wife is starting
to look like Bette Davis and trying
to carve the children. Of course,
there's only one thing powerful
enough to stop the DEVOURING
FORCE FROM OUTER SPACE. You
know what I'm talking about. They're
meaning to "scab football player."
the strongest beings on the face of
the planet: the investigators from the
Tennessee Valley Authority.
Greatest movie ever made in
Tellico Plains, Tenn.
No breasts. Five dead bodies.
See JOE BOB page 8
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JEWELRY AND GIFTS
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This oei expires
December 30. 1987 (Chapel UI, North Carolina 27514
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