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6The Daily Tar HeelThursday, November 5, 1987
j ooking at hot topics on the talk show scene
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
This week's TV listings:
Monday. 2 p.m. "Donahue!":
Transvestite hookers talk about their
Monday. 3 p.m. "Oprah!": White
slavers from India reveal how they
force 13-year-old street children to
become transvestite hookers.
Monday. 4 p.m. "Sally Jesse
Raphael!": Sally talks about how
DISGUSTING transvestites are.
Monday. 5 p.m. "Geraldo!": Ger
aldo dresses up like a transvestite and
earns a hundred bucks on camera.
Tuesday. 2 p.m. "Donahue!":
Midget rights activists discuss the
new low doorknob law recently
passed on Rhode Island.
Tuesday, 3 p.m. "Oprah!": Oprah
demonstrates how 14 midgets can
be concealed in the folds of her dress.
Tuesday. 4 p.m. "Sally Jesse
Raphael!": Sally tells her callers that
they don't have to have sex with
midgets if they don't feel like it.
Tuesday. 5 p.m. "Geraldo!": Expose
of the gruesome sport of midget
hurling. Wednesday. 2 p.m. "Donahue!":
Unwed mothers who keep their
Wednesday. 3 p.m. "Oprah!":
Unwed mothers who keep their
babies and steal other people's
Wednesday. 4 p.m. "Sally Jesse'
Raphael!": "You girls stop that
Wednesday. 5 p.m. "Geraldo!": On
location visit to a Santa Monica
apartment complex to watch a baby
conceived on camera within the
womb of an unwed multiple-partner
Thursday. 2 p.m. "Donahue!":
They're rich and they're lonely.
SHOW TOE TO
STRIP ALL YOUR INHIBITIONS AND EXPOSE YOURSELF TO SIX STARTLING
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Terence Trent D'Arby's phenomenal
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Rock 'n' roll wonder from the land
down under. Rip up your dance floor
with their pulsating smash singles.
"Sugar Free" and "Stimulation."
WENDY AND USA
Wendy And Lisa break away from the
color purple and explore a kaleido
scope of musical influences from
dreamy funk to high-powered rock
that shoots from the hip.
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Take the fast lane to high-spirited
Hooters rock: cnarged with the
energy of their sold-out concert
Jackhammer drums and straight
ahead guitar drive this rock 'n' roll
virgin like a hot rod with no brakes.
America's spiciest roots rock and
swamp band lay down the " Law Of
The Fish" on this wildly fan-ticipated
Hew music on CBS Records, Cassettes and Compact Discs. It's the ultimate stimulation for your student body.
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For complete details, just stop into the record store listed below. But hurry! The contest ends soon.
jk The science of sound
t l i t l i V
Thursday, 3 p.m. "Oprah!": They're
rich, they're black and they're lonely..
Thursday, 4 p.m. "Sally Jesse
Raphael!": They're rich, they're lonely
and all they need to do is be exactly
Thursday, 5 p.m. "Geraldo!":
They're rich, and they're so lonely
they agreed to come on my show.
Friday, 2 p.m. "Donahue!": Drunks
talk about the bottle.
Friday, 3 p.m. "Oprah!": Drunk
Indians talk about how they wrecked
entire Western towns "for the
Friday. 4 p.m. "Sally Jesse
Raphael!": Sally's topic is "Dry up you
Friday, 5 p.m. "Geraldo!": A 72-year-old
wino from Chicago's West
Side will drink five bottles of Thun
derbird in one hour while Geraldo
stands by and comments on how
tragic his life is. .
Speaking of zombies, "Prince of
Darkness" is this week's drive-in
selection, mainly for distinguished
achievement in the use of maggots,
worms, stinkbugs, dung beetles and
face-eating ants. Donald Pleasence,
the only man alive who can say the
words "There is nothing we can do"
so that it makes the hair on the back
of your legs receive satellite signals,
plays a Catholic priest who's a little
upset 'cause one of the holiest
Catholic guys died and left a book
full of equations explaining how the
devil lives in a 7-million-year-old glass
canister in the basement of an
abandoned church in downtown FJ
Lay and if they don't get some Albert
Einstein-level nuclear physicists from
Harvard to haul their hineys down
there and stop Satan from subdividin'
his atomic particles, then pretty soon
John Carpenter is gonna run out of
That's not all. Once all the big-shot
scientists go down to the church, set
up their gizmos and start gettin'
ready for Poltergeist City, Alice
Cooper brings an army of zombie bag
ladies down to the churchyard to
' stand outside and breed slimy bugs
and spit Gatorade into anybody's
mouth that comes outside. They're
trying to find a suitable body for the
devil to come to earth in. and guess
whose it is?
The No-Nonsense Panty Hose Lady.
Believe me, it's not a pretty sight
Zombie Rama. No breasts. Sixteen
dead bodies. Pencil in eye. Arm
hacking. Head rolls. Ants-on-zombie-cheeks.
Bird crucifixion. Beetle con-
It brings out
in all of us."
vention on a character actor's body.
Throat slashing, ear to ear, while
singing. Brick fu. Maggot fu. Worm
fu. Garden shear fu. Alice Cooper fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations
for Victor Wong, the nuclear expert,
for saying. "Say goodbye to classical
reality!": Jameson Parker, the he
man physicist, for saying. "A life form
is SELF-ORGANIZING!"; Susan Blan
chard. as the scabface leper-skin blond
ghoul in No-Nonsense Panty Hose;
and Donald Pleasence, the spookiest
priest in El Lay. for saying. "It's a
secret that can no longer be kept."
and "No prison can hold him now."
and "Maybe he's anti-God. bringing
darkness instead of light"
Three stars. Joe Bob says check it
Communist Alert! The warden at
the Lompoc, Calif. Federal correc
tional camp is REFUSING TO ACCEPT
Joe Bob's "We Are the Weird"
newsletter, "Critters" buttons and
"Terminator" bumper stickers. This
is in direct violation of the "cruel and
unusual punishment" amendment to
the Constitution. Remember, with
out eternal vigilance, it can happen
in whatever prison you're in. For a
good time, call Joe Bob at (800) 255
1779. To discuss the meaning of life,
or to get free junk, write Joe Bob
Briggs. P.O. Box 33. Dallas. Texas
WELL HOWDY. JOE BOB: I was
wondering if maybe you needed a
reporter or two for your We Are the
Weird newsletter. Working in a library
as I do. I see a lot of strange and
weird things that l could pass on to
you if you're interested.
For example, did you know that
Phoenix is building its own Star Wars
Defense System? It's true! A giant
laser about the size of the Eiffel
Tower is being built right this
moment in a city park in the heart
of downtown Phoenix, fully capable
of melting nuclear warheads or
punching holes in aircraft that stray
out of their proper flight patterns.
Fly the friendly skies . . . before it's
All the best Ken St. Anddre,
DEAR KEN: Matter of fact. I was
through Phoenix about a month ago
and went down to stare at the giant
laser "Whoops, I Guess You're Sterile
Now" sculpture tower. I admire the
politicians of Arizona for the way they
finally figured out an HONEST way
to cripple the public.
DEAR JOE BOB: The mister & I are
navid fans of yers. I forward your stuff
each week to the demented fruit of
my loins in Honolula Hiwaiya.
Please accept this new word in your
repertoire: Festicle. as in Film
Here in Vacaville next month we're
having a Punkin Festicle. Wush you
was gonna be here for it.
God bless your work.'
Love MIZ DAK. VACAVILLE.
DEAR MIZ DAK: Punk a few fes
ticles for me.
DEAR JOE BOB: What have you got
against dead aborigines? You really
don't know what it's like until you've
Yours for now SHIRLEY
MACLAINE, RALEIGH. N.C.
- DEAR SHIRLEY: You can always
"hope your' career will come back as
an animal act.