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The Daily Tar HeelThursday, November 12, 19873
Don't miss these bargains:
Joe Bob's backyard sale
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
This gal named Althea Thrum,
who's the editor. of the Grapevine
Weekly Antique Gazette, which gives
out free classifieds to anybody who
wants to sell something. BANNED ME
last week on the basis of having too
much junk. She said I needed to go
on out to Grand Prairie and start
rentin' a booth in the flea market if
1 was plannin' to be offering 28.000
items a week for sale, and I told her
it was all PERSONAL items from my
shed, but she said uh-uh. she was
jerkin' my ads 'cause I was a profes
sional ABUSIN' MY PRIVILEGES as a
Grapevine Weekly Antique Gazette
And so you know what 1 told her?
"Nyah. nyah, nyah."
That's all I could think of at the
Anyhow, one advantage of being
a world-famous nationally syndicated
drive-in movie critic is you can abuse
your privileges as a journalist by
asking people to send you in money.
So the following are the ads that
WOULD OF been printed in the GWAG
this week, except for me being
Man's Seiko Quartz 100 Series
Watch! Like new! $4.50.
oMULE RACKS for LW or SW
pickup, plus wagon with rubber tires
rigged for two mules, so you can go
out on the federal highways on
Sunday afternoons and clog up the
traffic and act like pioneer idiots that
are doggin' up traffic around Lake
Texoma every Sunday afternoon.
CHAIN LINK FENCE! 145 feet.
New Beach Store on Franklin St.
featuring: Jimmy 2 Instinct Catchlt
Gotcha a Duckhead o Ruff Hewn
Street Life 96 ID Maui & Sons
MyKonos u Organically Grown Quidsilver
New '88 Ladies9 Swimwear by Raisins
12 OFF Selected Summer Apparel
Full Line of Women's Sweaters
And Lots More of your Favorites!
143 E. Franklin St.
Slightly bent. $2.
o CHAIN LINK FENCE! 390 feet.
INTERNATIONAL TD-9 "MR.
MUSCLE" BULLDOZER! Tree-knocker
and cage included. Ready to knock
stuff down. $2,700.
o Marman 30-30 Limited Edition
gold trigger with scope; almost new
Winchester 30-30; new custom
made 243 with scope, sling, carrying
case; Stephens 20-gauge. All must go
this week. When you call, ask for "all
them guns Eddie had before they
o Seven laying hens, eight show
pigs, brass queen-size headboard
tubing, wicker porch swing. 1977
GMC pickup, lakeview lot on Runa
way Bay. one set of double concrete
steps, rusty hospital bed with electric
motor, perfect condition Jet-Ski. 1 2
inch speed floor buffer, three Siamese
kittens, seven size 16 tall-man shirts.
Weedeater. metal toolbox for wide
bed pickup. 8-foot artificial Christmas
tree. When you call, ask for Dave and
say the following passwords: "I ain't
a lawyer and I don't work for her."
Lawn chair owned by fat man.
Will pay you $5 to remove.
That's it for this week. As you can
see. I've built up a lot of investments
over the years. Just send them orders
to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 33, Dallas.
Texas 75221. and mark 'em "I
Wouldn't Pay 10 Bucks for a Wild
Zebra, but I'd Pay Five Bucks for Two
Speaking of junk left lying around
that ain't worth five bucks. "The
Sicilian" came out last week, the one
we've all been waiting for. made by
Michael "Can I Spend an Extra
Twenty on the Crowd Scene? I
PROMISE I'll Be Careful. PLEASE.
PLEASE, I PROMISE" Cimino. They
gave Mike some more money, sent
him over to Italy with something
Mario Puzo wrote, and told him to
try not to do too many closeups of
horses' nostrils and hairy legs. So he
got Christopher Lambert, monkey
man star of "Greystoke," and they
made this movie about murder and
poor people and the Mafia and the
corrupt church and the government
and the Mafia and massacres and rich
people and bandits and kidnapping
and stuff that happened in Sicily in
the '40s, and it's basically like
watchin grass grow for two hours.
Actually, it's like watchin' orange
wheat grow for two hours, 'cause
Mike likes to take pretty pictures of
lily ponds and Christopher Lambert
blowing the heads off of barbers for
no apparent reason, except after a
while you don't notice the difference
between a lily pond and a guy gettia'
his head blown off because of this
ice-cream truck music he put in there.
Anyhow, it's the basic story of a guy
who kills a cop and has to run up
in the hills and hide and he decides
he LIKES killin cops and also being
LOVED by the people for killin' so
many cops and so the church and the
Mafia try to kill him, but not before
falling in love with him first. Or
something like that. In other words.
Michael Cimino Fu.
Two breasts, but they don't count,
'cause they belong to Barbara Suk
owa. the ugliest actress alive. Thirty
nine bodies. A 44 on the Vomit Meter.
Gratuitous Ku Klux Klan outfits.
Poison Fu. Drink-in-face Fu. Machine
X .': ' ' . V f:vl::iS::::.:'i
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Christopher Lambert's entire
gun Fu. Nailed-to-cross Fu. Cinema
tography Fu. Driven Academy Award
nomination for Christopher Lambert,
for doing an entire movie with only
one expression on his face, and for
saying. "I'm going to save the world
what else?" and "1 must warn you
1 want to help the people buy
land." and "I'm NOT just a bandit."
and "But what about the people?"
over and over again.
One-half star. Joe Bob says
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Communist Alert! The Arden Drive
in in Sacramento was whipped down
for a Hilton Hotel and a "high-tech
industrial park." but Tom Harriman
of Carmichael, Calif., didn't let me
know until it was too late.
Remember, without eternal vigilance
AND activation of the early-warning
system, it can happen in your town.
Two minutes is
Even- second counts when you're
cookin' Calabash. U hen the
color's perfect you're done, and
that's always less than two
minutes. That's why Calabash
seafood has so much taste and
tenderness, heaped up high on
whn tft cookin s timed .
range of emotions in "The Sicilian"
YO JOE BOB: Say it ain't so. Joe!
I read a few weeks ago in the San
Francisco Chronicle that you've
become a bom again Christian! I
mean, I know people do a lot of things
for love, but don't you think this is
a little much just to get into Jessica
Hahn's pants? STEVE WINKLER.
DEAR STEVE: I changed my mind
after 1 found out it costs $265,000.
JOE BOB BRIGGS: As a student of
human nature for the past 20 years.
12 years as a pastor and 8 years as
a psychotherapist. I have come to the
conclusion that every individual has
a dark side.
You speak directly to mine.
DAVE DILLMAN. PETALUMA. CALIF.
DEAR DAVE: In that case, please
steal me a Pioneer stereo system
with 40-inch speakers.
You'll feel a lot better after you
Dinner: vl). davs a week
Lunch: 11:30-2. Mondav-Fridav
-W-80 "-H22 Major credit cards
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