4The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, November 19, 1987
Jee ge ...
At last
a prime candidate for Supreme Court
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
Dear Ronnie: We're tired of messin'
with the Supreme Court. We're tired
of hearin' about it. We're sick of
readin' about it. We're 'specially
hacked off by the way they inter
rupted the goldurn Auburn-Florida
State game to talk about it. So listen
to me. 1 don't wanna have to say this
again.
IF YOU CAN'T QUIT JACKING
AROUND. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
Here's my qualifications for the
Supreme Court and how I stand on
the issues.
MARIJUANA: I smoked approxi
mately 874 joints, but it was a long
time ago and I don't do it no more.
More important. I'M NOT A WEENIE
ABOUT IT. If the media asks me about
it. all I'm ever gonna say is. "I smoked
the stuff. You want somebody that
never stuck stuff in his mouth, vote
for Jesus Christ."
MINORITIES: We're ALL minorities.
We're all screwed up. We're all left
out of stuff. We don't none of us have
enough money. We've all got bosses
we'd like to voodoo into ajavelina
hog. So I'll treat everbodyjust exactly
the same, like the jerk losers we are.
1 just don't like the ones that WHINE
about it all the time.
WOMEN'S RIGHTS: As soon as they
make up their mind, they should get
whatever they want.
ABORTION: Tell these Jimmy
Swaggart people that if they're so all
fired goldurn certain about EXACTLY
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Charles Bronson demonstrates his opinion of video games
what God wants, then start out by
showing us a few of the command
ments where they're supposed to go
help these girls in trouble personally,
face-to-face, with cash and time and
conversation, and respect for what
the girl s feelin inside and without
gettm credit for it. and stop talkin
so much and writing up pamphlets
and going on TV and making picket
signs and screaming like they think
they ARE God and then stickin' the
girls in anti-abortion Nazi holding
pens. Actually, what I support is
RETROACTIVE abortions for these
particular people.
RUSSIA: Stop sendin' ballet
dancers in their underwear over here.
SEX: Homosexuals have the right
to do any disgusting thing they want
to as long as we don't have to jump
in.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Murderers
should be forced to watch "Family
Affair" over and oyer and over again
for the rest of their life
"THE COSBY SHOW": Nuke it.
Thank you very much for your
consideration.
Speaking of anti-drug campaigns.
"Death Wish 4" pretty much sums
up the national policy on cocaine:
Just Say Kaplooey.
Charles Bronson runs the Just Say
t X i . . . l 1 1 i
rsapiooey puDiic-reiations campaign.
which involved gettin all the names
of the drug dealers, pushers and
Mister Bigs m the greater El Lay area.
trackin' 'em dcwn and air-
conditioning their gizzards.
Unfortunately, all the motivation
for Big Chuck to sweep scum off the
street got killed off in "Death
Wishes" Numero Uno, Two-o and
Three-o. His wife got killed in One.
his daughter AND his maid in Two.
his best friend from the war and his
girlfriend in Three. So what can the
street punks do to him now?
They can give some poison cocaine
to a poor helpless little girt he knows
who goes out on an innocent date
one night and whop! she gets
Len-Biased to death.
in "Death Wish 4"
chuck is not happy about this
Chuck qoes to the arcade where
the drug deal came down and he
blows the goon-face drug dealer away
and watches him land on top of the
electrical bumper-car ride getting his
hiney fried into something that looks
like a cheese burrito.
Next thing you know, our favorite
mild-mannered architect is hittin the
streets again, equipped only with a
conscience and a stovepipe shoulder
mount anti-tank rocket-launcher.
Remember the gun he had in "Death
Wish 3." the one they used to kill
elephants in Africa, the one that's
illegal in 86 countries of the world?
This one's bigger.
No breasts. One hundred and
nineteen dead bodies. Two stomach
stabbings. Booby-trapped Napa Val-
ley wine bottle. Twenty-story hood
tossing. Exploding Iimo. Exploding
Toronado (one-half star deducted).
Exploding restaurant. Exploding fish
factory. Spread-eagle machine
gunned screaming dying slumping
people (too many to count). Gratui
tous corpses in morgue. Gratuitous
roller skating. Gratuitous Kay Lenz.
3
RumDer Car Fu. Drive-in Academv
Award nominations for John P. Ryan,
the mystery man that hires Big Chuck
t0 bjow away tne drug empire, for
sayingf -How long d0 we ,et
destroy children until we say
enounh?"i and Rin rhnrk. fnr wvinn
-fS not vour faUlt tnat cnca died
it's those damn drugs!!" and
right before he pulls the trigger
"How many children have you killed
with this stuff!"
Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Joe Bob's Advice ta the Hopeless
Communist Alert! "A motorist in
Gilroy. Calif- crashed his van through
a plate-glass window of the local
headquarters of Students Against
Drunk Drivers, police said. Raymond
Lopez Barrientos. 35. was pulled out
of the wreckage about 2 a.m. and
flown by helicopter to San Jose
Hospital, where he was reported in
stable condition. Barrientos smashed
his vehicle through part of a brick wall
and destroyed the group's window
display. Gilroy police Commander
Vern Gardner said. Barrientos has
been charged with drunken driving,
he said. Barrientos apparently lost
control of 1967 Dodge van and
veered into the unoccupied building
at 7433 Monterey road, leaving half
of the van inside the building." I ask
you. how many innocent drunks have
to be seriously injured before some
of these communistic activist organ
izations are forced to STOP PUTTING
BUILDINGS IN THE PATH OF DODGE
VANS? How many? Remember,
without eternal vigilance, they'll
show up in your town. too. To discuss
the meaning of life with Joe Bob. or
to get a free copy of his "We Are
the Weird." telling you how to get
free junk, write Joe Bob Briggs. P.O.
Box 33. Dallas. Texas 75221 .
GENTLEMEN: I am writing to
register my protest to your printing
the article titled "Joe Bob keeps
abreast of GMA interviewees" by Mr.
Briggs that was published in the Oct.
11. 1987. issue of the Arkansas
Democrat. I would like to voice my
objection to columns that use offen
sive language such as this one did.
This kind of gutter language is
beneath the dignity of a paper such
as the Democrat.
I realize that a newspaper reflects
the various events in our world, but
I would hope that your newspaper
would also abide by guidelines that
reflect certain morals and standards.
I know that not all news we read
is good and positive in nature, but
I do feel the various articles, from
features to world events, adequately
reflect current events in our world
without having to use language that
is offensive to the readers. We as
readers can censor what we read and
what we do not read in your
newspaper, but our children and
youth may not be as cautious in
selecting what articles they read. You
encourage all ages to read your paper
and you encourage teachers to use
the paper with their students as an
educational tool. However, you are
not guarding against the potential
negative influence such an article may
have on a young reader. If people
want to read the kind of material
used in Mr. Briggs' column, it is
available through other publications.
Those who are offended by such
language should not have to be
exposed to it in their daily newspaper.
Sincerely. NANCY SUMMAR. ARKA
DELPHIA. ARK.
TO ALL THE LITTLE PERVERTS
UNDER THE AGE OF 12 THAT ARE
READING MY COLUMN: Please start
hiding it from Nancy. It'll save us all
a lot of grief.
See JOEBOB page 12
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