The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, March 17, 19889
Joe Ed
Long-awaited nominations
for the '88 Drive-ln Awards
By JOE B03 BRIGGS
Staff writer
The Drive-ln Academy, after
meeting in executive session for
nine straight days at Don's Lam
plighter in Kokomo, lnd.r has
announced the nominees for the
1988 Drive-ln Academy Awards,
better known as the Hubbies,
which will be awarded on the same
night as the fake Academy
Awards on The Movie Channel. The
Academy also announced that
since Arnold Schwarzenegger is
the only person ever to actually
ACCEPT a Hubbie, that Arnold the
Barbarian will be given the Acade
my's first "Lifetime Achievement
Award" and be retired from Best
Actor competition after this sea
son. The Academy further
announced that Shirley "Slavegirl"
Simpson, a part-time waitress at
Don's Lamplighter, will be given an
additional award to be deter
mined later in gratification for
services rendered in Kokomo, Ind.
All qualified drive-in voters
defined by the Academy as
anyone who breathes and cares
should vote for two nominees in
each category and send all ballots
to P.O. Box 33, Dallas, Texas, 75221.
May we have a drum roll please?
And the nominees are:
BEST FLICK
"Evil Dead ll" zombiethon by
Sam Raimi where there's still only
one way to kill 'em total
dismemberment.
"From Beyond" Slime glopola
classic by Stuart Cordon about a
giant green tuning fork that
explodes the sex glands in your
brain.
"The Hanoi Hilton" Leather
straps, maniac smelly Cuban tor
ture rooms, Ho Chi Hanna broad
casts, and the "Let's make him
twitch like a froggie" telephone
torture, in Lionel Chetwynd's flick,
the best Nam picture ever made.
"Hellraiser" Clive Barker's mas
terpiece about a kinky Ayrab
jungle sex-f iend hocus-pocus swin
gers club that's so addictive that
you beg to be flayed, frayed and
filleted by a tribe of mutant
needle-head octopus-face pus
monsters with steel hooks and
manacles.
"The Hidden" About a giant
piece of pulsating outer-space
caterpillar-guts with teeth that
can jump down anybody's throat
at any moment, take over their
body, and go around stealin' Fer
raris, machine-gunnin' banks and
ripping the guts out of cops for
the fun of it.
"The Running Man" Paul Michael
Claser's story about a Richard
Dawson game show where con
victs are shot through these Super
Wild Mouse missile tubes into a war
zone where they battle World
Wrestling Federation members to
the death, hack 'em into little
pieces and win Lee Press-On Nails
for members of the studio
audience.
"Unsane" Best foreign flick of
the year. Dario Argento's Eyetalian
gorefest starring Anthony Franci
osa as a grinnin' murder novelist
who has dreams about a weird
lesbo with red spiked high heels.
BEST ACTOR
Claude Akins in "The Curse." as
the Bible-thumping Farmer Green
who cant understand why his
apples are full of outer-space
mucous and his wife is starting to
look like Bette Davis and trying to
carve the children.
Charles Branson in "Death Wisn
4." for running the national anti
drug campaign: Just Say Kaplooey.
Bruce Campbell in "Evil Dead ll,"
who gets rammed through wind
shields, pitched through doors and
watches his girlfriend come up out
of the grave and do a little
TOPLESS dance for him before he's
forced, out of love for her, to take
her head and squish it in a vise.
Robert Carradine in "Revenge of
the Nerds ll," as Head Nerd Lewis
Skolnick, Mister Picket Protector
himself, who carries the Nerd
Revolution to Lauderdale.
Rutger Hauer in "Wanted: Dead
or Alive." where he buys a leather
jacket, a harmonica and a ware
house full of semi-automatic
shoulder cannons and goes in
search of the world's most evil
terrorist the lead singer of KISS.
Frank Langella in "Masters of the
universe," as the evil Skeletor
dressed up like a skullhead stage
coach driver.
Michael Moriarity in "The Hanoi
Hilton," as the prison camp com
manding officer who gets his
teeth kicked in for his country.
Donald Pleasance in "Prince of
Darkness," as the Catholic priest
who's a little upset because one
of the holiest Catholic guys died
and left a book full of equations
explaining how the devil lives in
a 7-million-year-old glass canister
in the basement of an abandoned
church in downtown El Lay and it's
causing a lot of maggots, worms,
stinkbugs, dung beetles and face
eating ants.
Arnold the Barbarian in "The
Running Man." for wearing the
world's worst Hawaiian shirt,
killing 26 people, and saying "I'm
not into politics. I'm into survival."
Oliver Smith in "Hellraiser," as
Frank the Monster who comes
back from Devil Land with his skin
ripped off and his blood vessels
exposed and wants to get roman
tic with his old mistress.
Rod Steiger in "The Kindred," as
the genetic-DNA scientist who
goes a little crazy and ends up with
a 95-foot-tall son who looks like a
giant octopus with herpes who
likes to spray white donkey pus
in your eyes.
BREAST ACTRESS
Claudia Christian in "The Hidden."
as the deadly outer-space maniac
in the body of a stripper.
Barbara Crampton in "From
Beyond," as the crazed nympho
shrink thrill-junkie who can't get
enough green sex juice.
Sybil Danning in "Amazon
women on the Moon," as the
Queen of the Outer-space
Amazons.
Annette Funicello in "Back to the
Beach," who polka-dots us to
death in her one-piece double
projectile ribbed-bodice swimsuits.
reggaes on the beach and pouts
a lot.
Clare Higgins in "Hellraiser," as
the woman with cruel lips and
laser eyes who will do ANYTHING
for the zombie in the attic, even
if it means sacrificing her ethics.
Wendy Lyon in "Hello Mary Lou:
Prom Night ll," as the Linda Blair
girl, for having the guts to show
that body in full frontal nudity.
Caroline Munro in "Slaughter
High," the long-time drive-in queen
of England, as the school tease
who says to the nerd "Hurrry up,
sex machine, I'm wet all over" right
before they dump his head in the
toilet JUST FOR FUN.
Gail Neely in "Surf Nazis Must
Die," as the bereaved Big Mama,
who checks out of a rest home,
goes to a gun shop, says "I wanna
buy a gun that'll take the head off
a honky at 20 paces," gets a big
box of grenades, steals a Hell's
Angel's bike, jumps in an Evinrude
speedboat, and makes like Eisen
hower on D-Day, wastin'
punkheads.
Suzee Slater in "Chopping Mall," -the
new gratuitous-bosom drive
in queen, for exposing her enor
mous talents just long enough to
get lasered by a killer maniac robot
in an exploding-head scene.
Dona Speir in "Hard Ticket to
Hawaii," as one of the four Playboy
Playmates who save the world
the one with the largest talents.
Heather Thomas in "Cyclone."
who wears a yellow breast
parachute bra in a punk bar and
fights the CIA, the FBI, the motor
cycle industry and, worst of all, is
BETRAYED by her own aerobics
teacher.
Corinne Wahl in "Amazon
women on the Moon," for the
scene where she sex-videos a man
to death.
BEST DIALOGUE
Claude Akins in "The Curse"
"Frances, you turned all nasty and
ugly almost overnight - I dont
even hardly recognize you."
Edward Albert in "Terminal
Entry": "You know, you've got
that film-at-eleven look in your
eye again."
Powers Boothe in "Extreme Pre
judice" "Sing for me. Sarita, put me
in a good mood, so I wont wanna
kill Jack no more."
Doug Bradley in "Hellraiser: "No
tears, please, it's a waste of good
suffering."
Charles Branson in "Assassina
tion" "I dont wanna tie up with
a terminal orgasm."
Timothy Busf ield in "Revenge of
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For your Academy Award consideration "Surf Nazis Must Die"
the Nerds 11" "Anxiety makes me
flatulent."
Michael Caine in "Jaws: The
Revenge" "Two Bahama Mamas,
please!"
Bruce Campbell in "Evil Dead ll":
"Am l fine? I just cut up my
girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does
that sound fine?"
Elizabeth Cayton in "Slave Girls
From Beyond infinity" "Have you
checked those hyperspace landing
coordinates?"
Richard Dawson in "The Running
Man" "You want ratings? I can get
10 points for his biceps alone."
Karrie Emerson in "Chopping
Mall" "I'm sorry for getting hys
terical, I guess I'm just not used to
being chased around a mall in the
middle of the night by killer
robots."
Erik Estrada in "Hour of the
Assassin": "I'm no model."
Michelle Little in "Sweet
Revenge": "Kung fu is my life."
Carey Lowell in "Down Twisted"
"NOTHING is more serious than
rent, Michele."
John Ratzenberger in "House ll":
"I've seen this before and it's
always made my adenoids curdle."
Gene Simmons in "Wanted: Dead
or Alive" "This will make Bhopal,
India, look like a minor traffic
accident."
Louis Tripp in "The Gate" "You
see, we accidentally summoned
these demons who used to rule
the universe to come back and
take over the world."
Dawn Wildsmith in "Surf Nazis
Must Die" "Slime-sucking Neander
1 ! 1 I J
I ?
thal! How dare you question my
loyalty?"
Rick Sumwait in "Over The Top"
"I drive truck, break arm, and arm
rassle. That's what I know. That's
what l do. I try to cripple the man."
BEST FU
Barbara Crampton in "From
Beyond" Eyeball-sucking stump
licking giant-linguini Fu.
Robert Englund in "A Nightmare
on Elm Street 3": Bloody wrist
veins used as puppet strings Fu.
Morgan Fairchild in "Campus
Man" Lipstick Lizard Fu.
Louise Fletcher in "Flowers in the
Attic" Seventeen bloody lashes
evil stepmother Buiiwhip Fu.
David Alan Frier in "Amazon
women on the Moon" "Tie a
Yellow Ribbon" - "Chim Chim
Cheree" Fu.
Annette Funicello in "Back to the
Beach" The terrifying Pajama
Party Bunny Hop Fu.
Rutger Hauer in "Wanted: Dead
or Alive" Oh-Shucks-l-Forgot-The-Miranda-warning-Fu.
Jill Ireland in "Assassination"
Pancake makeup Fu.
Brian Keith in "Death Before
Dishonor" Exploding camel
herders that never shave Fu.
Peter Linari in "Fat Guy Goes
Nutzoid" wounded Buffalo Fu.
Dolph Lundgren in "Masters of
the universe" wesson Body Oil Fu.
Andrew Robinson in "Hellraiser"
Giant dragonhead lizard-gut Fu.
Andy Sidaris in "Hard Ticket To
Hawaii" Rubber Snake Fu.
Robert Vaughn in "Hour of the
Assassin" Beatie Boot Fu.