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The daily Tar Heel. (Chapel Hill, N.C.) 1946-current, April 01, 1988, Page 1, Image 1

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Mara trapped in attic eats Jimmy Hoffa found alive in row Y of SAC page 77 New chancellor speaks on bodacious babes 8 p.m. Troll's own foot page 66 f aO. BE MM D Spewing pseudo-journalism and leftist propaganda to the University community for a helluva long time Copyright 1988 The Daily Tar Heel Watch your head: It's raining squirrels and rabbits Rain and hail. High 73. 1 tj if v' Volume 666, Issue 666 Ainioinniall By TEDDY RUXPIN Staff Critter Animal rights activists and antivi visectionists swarmed over UNC's campus Wednesday, calling for University recognition of a newly formed animal support group. The group, the Carolina Rodent Action Support Symposium (CRASS), plans to sponsor lectures on raccoon abuse and Be Nice to Squirrels Week. Chanting, "Hey, hey, ho, ho. (DXB n onauniC' By MATT RIMONEE Staff Groover Joe Bob Briggs will replace Chan cellor Christopher Columbus Ford ham III as head of the Southern part of Heaven, Bob Eubanks, chairman of the Chancellor Search Committee, announced Wednesday. Eubanks crowed, "We asked each candidates' spouse to answer the following question: what is the strangest place you and your spouse ever made whoopee? Needless to say, Joe Bob's 'lady friend' had some pretty exciting answers, 1 tell you what! "And she wasn't lying either," he added, " 'cause Joe Bob guessed 'em all." The scramble for a new chancellor began last semester, when the Rams Club, unsatisfied with Fordham's performance, bought out his contract for an undisclosed amount of money. Chancellor Fordham said he was pleased with the choice. "Joe Bob is a fine individual and I think he'll be a credit to the University," he said. Moving his head slowly around (kind of like a scene from The Exorcist or the statue of Abe Lincoln exhibit at the Encot Center). Ford- 1 f r ham said he plans to be bronzed and placed in McCorkle Place. As "Silent Chris," he would provide a compan ion for UNC's homeless squirrel population. Beam) o Cites inability By 2 GUYS NAMED DANNY Who almost came to Carolina but instead went to the Final Four The basketball world was stunned today by the resignation of long-time University of North Carolina basket ball coach Dean Smith. Smith announced his resignation at the Smith Center in front of another sellout crowd of 21,444. As has become typical for a Smith Center crowd, there was no reaction in the cavernous building. Smith said the resignation stemmed from his inability to defeat Duke University three times during the 1987-88 season. Smith was quoted as saying he realized that Duke mentor Mike Kryzkzezwskzki was a superior coach to him and that the Tar Heel coach could not live with being the bridesmaid of the ACC. "As an example of Coach K's ability, just look at Billy King," Smith said. "Not only has Coach K taught King how to shut down much slower, shorter opponents, but he also showed King how to hold himself to 3 points a game. Just amazing," lamented Smith, who looked quite dapper in his charcoal gray suit and muted blue tie, courtesy of the Hub. Smith continued to bemoan his fate at the hands (claws?) of the enraged rodent-turned-basketball-genius. "Coach K is the worst thing to happen to me since Norm Sloan's wardrobe. And that was all the way back when people besides David Rivers wore Afros," cried the now almost incoherent Smith, nursing his eighth cigarette of the half hour. Smith, often noted for the caring he invests in his players, discussed the possible fates of current Tar Heels iroslh raccoons are people too, y 'know," the protesters formed a ring around Davie Hall and demanded that all monkeys and white rats be released into the arboretum immediately. "They've gotta do something either let them go, or at least give them a bath. Every time I walk by, that smell ruins my day," said one protester, foaming at the mouth suspiciously. "Animals of the world unite!" After using chalk to trace the o Fordham said he was pleased with the plan. "Squirrels are fine individ uals and I think they are a credit to the University." Briggs, a rabble-rouser and con noisseur of feminine pulchritude, is the author of a syndicated column reviewing the arts. He is fond of basketball, beer-swilling and aard varking on roadtrips. "He's kind of like FPG," a student said once, referring to former chan cellor Frank Porter Graham. "A real gym-rat, who likes to hang out and shoot hoops with the guys, or just shotgun a few Schaeffer-lights." During a press conference in the Black Cultural Corner, Briggs dis cussed the issues facing UNC and the attributes that make this campus great. He said: "Tan legs. Frat rats. Gym rats. 23,637 breasts. Connor Beach. Beer bongs. Minority recruit ment. Study Fu. Ram Fu. James Taylor, gone-to-Carolina Fu. ACC Fu. NCAA Fu. No Sleep Fu. Pass fail Fu. Fail Fu. Parking Fu. Expen sive Textbook Fu. "Oscar nominations: The Rams Club for calling themselves the high falutin' Educational Foundation; J.R. for gruntin' and shoutin' on the foul line; Jim Valvano for sayin', 'Wat, 'my sposed to get on the flooah and shoot j's in mah tree-piece?' and for being a 'tournament' coach; Dean for bein' a chain-smokin' madman; no Its o imggs to defeat Dookies, loss of Dome v '' I ' ' 'v. I ', i '' "iri " " ' y - r-nij Dean Smith in the wake of his resignation. "Well, I know Jeff Lebo is desperately researching a cure for baldness, and J.R. Reid and Steve Bucknall are going to co-author a book on what we like to call 'team dynamics,'" Smith said, with a proud smile now on his craggy visage. "Kevin Madden and Ranzino Smith are going to open a doughnut shop." Smith also noted his dissatisfaction with John Kilgo, current Carolina Blue editor and host of the Dean Smith TV program. "Even I turn on the Jim Valvano show for a little excitement," Smith said. "I mean, c'mon, how many times can you listen to a guy say 'That's a nice pass by Buck'?" asked an incredulous Smith. Smith also said that Smith Center, which is an eight rather than four sided building for obvious reasons, would be turned over to Duke Friday, April 1, 1988 outlines of rodent corpses in the Pit, CRASS protesters held hands and sang the version of "We Shall Over- come" made famous by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Then, CRASS members carried a raccoon-sized coffin to Chancellor Christopher Fordham's office and dumped a bag of nuts on his desk. Fordham greeted the Drotesters cordially and asked them what their majors were. "You are fine individ uals," he said. "I think your group I o (t Clemmie Dixon Spangler for think ing he could hide the name his mammy gave him in a fit of rage after he spit strained asparagus up on her one too many times." Briggs said he was backed enthu siastically by trustee John Pope, after he promised to boot all the pale, ugly and or fat girls off campus. "Send 'em (the chicks) to Vassar," Pope is rumored to have shouted in glee at the news of Joe Bob's acceptance. "We don't teach no womanly arts here!" Briggs also promised to make those cold cups for fountain drinks the ones in the Circus Room andlhe Pit Stop, that glorify America and call for capitalist triumph over the run ning red dogs of Communist Russia available to each student at pre registration. "I like that," Briggs said, squinting at the side of the cup about the lunar landing. "... a tribute to the indom itable spirit of America: doing it first. And doing it right. It's catchy." To assist him in his duties, Briggs announced he would ask Lt. Gov. Bob Jordan to be his Lt. Chancellor. "Bob and Al Gore and I see eye to eye on winnin' that redneck vote in Eastern Carolina," Briggs said with a burp. Chancellor Fordham said he was pleased with the choice. "Bob Jordan is a fine individual and I think hell be a credit to the University," he said. University as part of a "silly little bet" Smith unfortunately made before the season. "Yeah, it's true, I bet that overgrown marsupial Coach K that he couldn't beat me three times in one year," Smith said, his face twisted in disbelief. "I bet him a carton of Camel Lights for the Dean Dome." Reaction from the basketball world was immediate and shock filled. ESPN college basketball com mentator Dick Vitale exDressed disbelief. "The Michelangelo of coaching is hanging up his paint brush!" said Vitale, before drown ing in a sea of meaningless acronyms. Duke coach Mike (you have to spell my name to get into Duke) Krykzzkewszkki was shocked yet overjoyed at his team's new playing site. "Yeah, we plan to rename the Dean Dome the Mouse Trap, in honor of me. I feel good since we're moving into the building on a 5-0 record there in 1987-88," mused the coach. "And of course, in keeping with Duke policy, the entire lower level will be student seating." As for the future, some speculate that Smith will be appointed chan cellor to replace the retiring Chris topher Fordham. "Ay'd much rather have a homeboy like Deano than those two immigrant's sons from New Jersey" said an anonymous board member wearing an "Apartheid is my side" T-shirt. "Besides, Dean already has a well-developed inferiority complex regarding Duke University, which is so key to holding a position of responsibility at UNC." Chancellor Christopher Fordham said he was pleased with the choice. "Dean is a fine individual, and I think hell be a credit to the University." Chapel Hell, North Carolina m will be a credit to the University " CRASS presented Fordham a letter signed by Ranger Rick, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Speedy Gonzalez (the fastest mouse in all of Me-hico), Thumper and Duke Coach Mike Kryzkzzewszkki. (Mickey and Min- nie Mouse refused to sign the petition citing the Disney Corporation's nolicv of r- w v . Mil klllllC IL.l W 1 1 VV III! 11.1 I- wing, radical socialist organizations.") The letter demanded that ALF, the cm ori w j -rj n JM on x t n n oo oo X,if r; o crp- w M T; s-r . o iy . . . . . NCAASneak-a-Peek Photo Steve Kerr dances at Opryland with Debbie Gibson andor Tiffany to the Oak Ridge Boys' hit song Elvira Kerr nabbed by NCAA at Oorvland. dances his By ALLISON ALLISON Daughter of a Stock Car Driver The University of Arizona will be without the services of star guard Steve Kerr in this weekend's Final Four after the NCAA announced it was suspending him for the remainder of the season. The NCAA discovered Kerr had been moonlighting at Opry land USA in Nashville as a dancer in the theme park's "Country Music USA" dance show. The NCAA investigation said Kerr had been paid an undisclosed amount to participate in the show. "Country Music USA," now in its 17th season, is a revue of country music from the m 1920s through the current charts. An NCAA investigator, who asked to remain anonymous, was on vacation with his family when he noticed Kerr participating in the show. "Hell, I was just enjoyin' the show with my family when my U NG shafts U2, By MIKE RAFONE Pensive Groupie For the second straight semester, the Irish band U2 will not be booked for the Smith Center because the date the band wants to play falls during the University's exam period. "We're deeply sorry we can't bring U2 to the SAC, but they always want to play during our exam period," said a Smith Center spokesman; "Besides, (Sonny) Bono isn't the same singer without Cher." U2's guitarist, The Edge, expressed his disappointment in a satellite news aocu alien life form, be named as Ford ham's successor. "He's one of us, well, not really, but he speaks for our kind." Fordham said he was pleased with the choice. "ALF is a fine individual, and I think hell be a credit to the University." The petition also called for a counseling office for rodents, free rabies shots for squirrels and guaran teed on-campus housing for rodents. To attract more rodents to the area. way out of the Final Four oldest boy said, 'Dad, ain't that the guy that plays basketball for one of them teams out West?' "1 told him they didn't play basketball out West anymore, but he swore up and down that he had seen him on ESPN late one night," the investigator said. "After I started digging a little bit, I found out my son was absolutely right." Kerr reacted to the news with disbelief. "I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I love country music. I love to dance. I can't believe the NCAA would penalize me for doing something that means so much to me." Kerr began to cry. Arizona Coach Lute Olsen was tight-lipped about the situation. As he turned away from reporters, he muttered, "If I'd known that boy could move like that, I'da made him a cheerleader." Billy Tubbs, coach of Arizona's first Final Four opponent Okla homa, was noticeably pleased with the news that Kerr's college career cancels show for conference from Dublin. "We're awful sorry we can't play in Chapel Hill," he said. "We heard there were a lot of liberal protest groups there. U2 was all set to pick the most popular organization, wha tever it may be, and then support it. Not only would it help out some of our long-haired liberal friends, but it would also reinforce our image as do gooders." Bono missed the press conference. A spokesmen for the band said Bono was sorry he missed a chance to Wish Ron and Nancy Happy Easter(202) 456-1414 Dial-a-Cow737-2191 go Donald Boulton, vice chancellor and dean of student affairs, offered to establish a Rodent Cultural Center (RCC) at Davie Poplar. CRASS spokesman Ginny Pigg said that if the protesters' demands were not met, more severe action would be taken. "If our demands aren't met before the Easter Bunny comes, we will go into phase three of our protest," Pigg said. "And I can assure you it will be dramatic." had come to an early, unexpected end. "Now maybe Lute will have to play some of those pinheads that are always raising hell on his bench," Tubbs said. "Well see if those guys are still cocky after Stacey King rams one down their throats." In a related development. Uni versity officials announced that Kerr would be the next chancellor, since he doesn't have anything else to do. UNC-system President CD. Spangler said he was thrilled with the decision. "The man can sing. The man can dance. He's a one man fundraising show," Spangler said, cackling in glee in his big leather chair as he smoked a huge cigar. "Our money troubles are over." Chancellor Christopher Ford ham said he was pleased with the choice. "Kerr is a fine individual, and 1 think hell be a credit to the University." exams again ramble and sound pretentious. Since Bono was so upset about not coming to Chapel Hill, University officials decided to name him as the next chancellor. When he heard the news. Bono was moved. "I'm really thrilled to be asked," he said with pursed lips and knitted brow. "I hope we can get some more political awareness courses for UNC students." Chancellor Christopher Fordham said he was pleased with the choice "Bono is a fine individual, and I think hell be a credit to the University." It's the end of the world as we know it. R.E.M. 1

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