The Daily Tar HeelThursday, March 31, 19885
No more
for the new and improved Liz
By JOE BOS BRIGGS
I've been reading Liz Taylor's
new book. "National vpivppt-a"
about how she was once a balloon
in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade
but today she's a tweety-bird. and
she has a lot of remarks in there
dumping on John Belushi and Joan
Rivers who were the pioneers in
the Porky Liz Joke-a-rama. and she
says we shouldn't tell jokes like
that anymore 'cause it hurt poor
Lizzie's feelings and - here's the
best part - John Belushi is one
dead joker today and it's because
of his "excesses."
To which l wanna say. "Liz.
Honey. Listen up. You wanna be
anonymous? Co to Tahiti and hide
in the folds of Marlon Brando's
stomach. You wanna make more
TV movies with Robert Culp and
get interviewed by Robin Leach
and play with Michael Jackson's
chimpanzee? Get a grip on reality
here, you went on the Donahue
Show. BELUSHI didn't go on the
Donahue Show. You start talkin'
like Cod punished Belushi for
dressing up in drag and imitating
you, then you better watch it,
'cause YOU'RE the one that made
'Cleopatra,' and if the Big Guy's
counting, that one's probably
worth a quadruple by-pass min-
imum. Have another Fudgsicle."
But the best part of the book
is when she describes what hap
pened the day she got nekkid in
front of the mirror and "could not
tear myself away from this awful
vision."
We couldn't either, Lizzie. It was
like a traffic wreck.
But all right, just in case Bob
Hope is reading and he needs a few
jokes to replace the 30 jokes he's
been telling for the last 50 years,
then here's some NEW material to
show you that we've all NOTICED
how teeney-tiney Lizzie is, and
how now we'll give credit where
credit is due.
Introducing The Tube' the
By JENNY LIVINGSTON
Assistant Omnibus EeBtor
it's time for us to stand up and
be counted. Too long have we
endured in silence while art galler
ies and ballets and symphonies get
all the juiciest writeups. Too long
have we suffered in the hands of
the overcultured few, while we
the masses must endure such
epithets as "couch potato" and
"vidiot." We are not ashamed,
we're coming out of the closet, we
love TV and we're proud.
Welcome to The Tube. From
now on, this space is reserved for
the latest, hottest, hippest. best
and worst on the little screen. Here
goes:
Thursday
For years now, prime time
Thursday has been a veritable
bonanza of viewing pleasure. NBC;
has. to&y-Fest-and- its spinoff; .
v. v ---------
'National
1 For Bob Hope: "I saw Liz Taylor
todav. Isn't she areat? She turned
sideways and looked like two
cruise missiles were suspended in
mid-air." -
2. For Joan Ri vers: "Don't you just
hate her? Now she's got that
body that looks like a Sno-cone.
Am I right? Does this bother you?
Can we talk about this? The
woman should have bubble gum
stuck to her head, we can use her
to pick up pennies."
3. For David Letterman: "I saw
a picture of Elizabeth Taylor.
Whoa! Was I out when this hap
pened? Let's have a show of hands.
How many people believe it's not
really Liz and Bo Derek had a head
transplant? I told you we should
never do that one, Paul. Bo Derek,
head transplant, it just doesn't
make sense, what do you think,
Paul, should I do the next one?"
4. For John Belushi (R l.P.): "Nyah
nyah nyah."
And speaking of double cruise
missiles, the latest Andy Sidaris
flick is out. The man who wrote
and directed "Seven." "Malibu
Express" and "Hard Ticket to
Hawaii," the ABC sports director
best known as the King of Female
Breast Exposures, the man who
was PERSONALLY responsible for
missing seven hockey goals in the
1988 Winter Olympics at Calgary
because he was in his trailer,
staring at the breasts of Dona
Speir, the star of his latest movie,
"Picasso Trigger" - the man who
put HIMSELF in the movie, sinking
a 90-foot putt for reasons that
have absolutely nothing to do
with the plot - the man who has
offices in the Playboy Building on
Sunset Boulevard just so he can
say "Hey, Babe, wanna be in the
movies?" - he's done it again.
Every time Andy makes a movie,
the plot gets more and more
complicated, but it always has the
following basic elements:
1 . Soap opera actor with muscles
Bonet Fest, followed by a new, but
not necessarily improved,
"Cheers." coach is dead, Diane's
gone and only time will tell if the
show can withstand the loss.
At the same time, CBS airs its
new docu-magazine, "48 Hours."
This week they look at the big
business side of NCAA basketball -as
if there were any other side of
NCAA basketball.
Friday
Never a very good night for
serious viewing, Friday night tel
evision is usually only tolerable if
you're drinking with friends and
you also have the radio on. That's
called multi-media entertainment.
One bright spot is "Perfect
Strangers" on ABC at 8 p.m. But
this week is a repeat - Balki and
the. psychic -.so yau. can .aJways.
try "BeUtyartdjtheBeasr arid &e' '
beauty Linda Harrflltcin (who's not
Velveeta'
and a blow-dry haircut to live out
Andy's fantasies for him (Steve
Bond in this flick, the guy that used
to be on "General Hospital").
2. AS mST.y Playboy bunnies as
Andy can bribe to pop'their tops
(seven in this flick, including two
who do a Vegas topless-cowgirl
routine).
3. At least 17 people have to be
killed on a certain day at a certain
time, and Andy has a "Playmate
impossible" team that can do the
job.
4. All of 'em are killed by being
blown up (this movie has a boome
rang with a bomb Scotch-taped to
it, and a remote-control race car
that runs up a surfboard, crashes
through a wall, and blows up some
bad guys so that their entire
bodies are scorched black like Wily
Coyote).
5. When in doubt, use a helicop
ter shot.
6. Breast Jamboree.
This one is the ultimate Andy
Sidaris movie. The plot goes to
four exotic locations - Paris,
Vegas, Hawaii and Uncertain,
Texas, chief reasort on Caddo lake
- and is so complicated you can't
ever figure out a single thing
that's going on, including the title.
We're talking Drive-in Hall of Fame.
Sixteen breasts. Triple aardvark
ing. 23 dead bodies. Four motor
vehicle chases. Bazooka-fireball
exploding Chevy.- Exploding sail
boat. Exploding jeep. Exploding
Hovercraft. Exploding Mexican.
Gratuitous golf. Gratuitous
trained-dolphin show. Kung Fu.
Harpoon Fu. Boomerang Fu. Party
barge Fu. Drive-in Academy Award
nominations for Patty Duffek, Miss
May 1 984, as Patticakes the topless
cowgirl, for saying "I'm gonna hit
the Jacuzzi!" Kym Malin, Miss May
1982, as Kym the topless co
cowgirl; Cynthia Brimhall, Miss
October 1985, for wearing a green
Spandex mini-dress and earring a
concealed shotgun,- Roberta vas-
really that great looking) moon
over her beasty boyfriend Victor
(who's not really that bad).
Saturday
Saturday morning at last. Drag
yourself out of beet and watch
"Pee Wee's Playhouse" on CBS.
Scream every time they say the
secret word. Sing along to every
song, and when your roommate
calls you a dork and tells you to
shut up, say "I know you are, but
what am I?"
After Pee Wee, there's wrestling
and "Soul Train." Take your pick.
Sunday
Live from New York . . . it's the
CBS Easter Parade! Tune in and see
little known "celebrities" try to say
something funny about the
weather, if that's too much for
youthere's aiways goff on ESPN:--'-
uterSunday. catcti a made'-f or- j
K H J;
V 1 ik y , v
' '" I I
' t -
i ) SI .
"""ffltffllllltltMtTO
Dona Speir, with spear, proving why she was a Breast Actress nominee
quez, Miss November 1984 AND a
former California state cop, for
wearing a lizard-skin sequined
teddy, attempting to country
western dance and saying "I love
you and I need you and I want
you" Liv Lindeland, 1972 Playboy
Playmate of the Year, for doing
something in this movie, I can't
remember what; Dona Speir, Miss
March 1984 and a 1988 nominee
for Breast Actress, for repeatedly
wearing skin-tight diving suits and
getting herselves wet, and for
saying "The issue at hand is a
woman who. sleeps with an inter
national criminal and does it in the
name of the United States govern
ment!" Hope Marie Carlton, Miss
July 1984, for listing her chief
acting credit as a guest star on
"The A-Team," and for saying "Look
week's best shows
TV "Superman H" on ABC. Try to
answer this week's burning ques
tion: When is Christopher Reeve
going to get a real job, anyway?
Monday
Final four again, but not until 9
p.m., so get the tube warmed up
with "Kate and Ailie" and "Design
ing Women" on CBS. How thought
ful of CBS to put all its liberated
women's special programming on
one night.
If you prefer exploitation to
liberation, tune to TBS for "Red
Sonja" and see why Sly Stallone
gave Brigitte Nielson 58 million to
divorce him.
Tuesday
Just for fun, try to catch all the
talk shows: Geraldo! Sally-Jessy!
Oprah! and Phil?! Keep a running
tally of the number of guests who
have had sex changes. i i
For those of you who stlirviatch'
at our boat, Donna! That could
have been us!" and (on the golf
course) "Wanta putter around?";
John Aprea, as Picasso Trigger, for
getting blown away two different
times and saying "Women! Easy
come, easy go! well, they were
expendable" Steve Bond, for
saying to the woman with the
hugest hooters ever seen on the
screen, "I've always LOVED your
back"; Guich Koock, former mayor
of Luckenbach, Texas, for wearing
f ishing lures on his shirt and riding
a horse around Dallas; and Andy
Sidaris, the one and only, for
having every one of his actors say
"Let's do it," and for writing the
line "You ready to boogie?"
Four stars. Joe Bob says check
it out.
"Moonlighting," sorry, it's a repeat
from the 1986 season, but turn it
on anyway and see if they used
the soft-focus on Cybil's wrinkles
back then, too.
Wednesday
Back from the grave, or at least
from the Stouffer's pizza com
mercials, come Dick and Tommy
Smothers, as CBS airs the brand
new "Smothers Brothers Comedy
Hour" at 8 p.m.
If you're feeling a little schizoph
renic, try "Sybill" on Fox. Watch
Sally Field in her post-Flying Nun,
pre-Burt Reynolds stage no
wonder she had an identity prob
lem. The two-hour movie is split
into two parts, beginning Wednes
day and concluding Thursday. Get
it? Split.
, . Does anybody else think that's
ftiriny? ' v '