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6The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, April 7, 1988
A genuine cleavage show in El Paso
By JOE BOB BRICCS
l realize ic's ancient history by'
now, but I cant let another year
go by without writin' about the
Miss USA Pageant in El Paso, which
ha turned into the world's most
honest beauty show, with a) the
most cleavage, b) the largest
number of dresses slit up to thigh
level ever seen on one stage, c) the
guarantee that all 51 contestants
will be dressed like $300 hookers
at least once in each show, d) the
finest soft-porn Playboy Channel
type music video ever seen in
primetime (51 gals modeling j.c.
Penney swimwear on blankets in
the desert), and best of all, e)
absolutely no talent competition,
in other words, to win the contest,
the girl's got to know how to wear
two kinds of swimsuits, pose for
a camera, buy an evening gown,
wear an evening gown, carry on
an intelligent conversation with a
sitcom actor, react spontaneously
to a picture of herself and, finally,
when there's only five girls left,
stand on a pedestal.
I love this show.
I could watch this show ever
night of the year.
The only thing it didn't have this
year was Bob Barker, who quit
because the pageant slaughtered
1,000 baby minks and 12,000 other
endangered species in order to
keep some of America's most well
rounded breasts warm. Don't
worry about it, though, 'cause
they hired . . . Alan Thicke, the one
with the hair helmet and the
permanent eye bags who talks
through his chin. He was perfect.
in case you didn't see it, here's
just a few of this year's highlights:
1. A white-satin miniskirt
floppin'-fringe cowgirl production
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Dear Joe Bob:
I happened upon the enclosed ad
recently and thought you'd get a
hoot (or a holler) from it. It
appeared in both El Paso newspa
pers on Dec. 21, 1968 (I'm a little
"iPjjjjP IP IE W AC K IE T
A complete repertoire
of seafood, pasta and g Wf silM
vegetarian specialties -Tf j' MfLh
Vt FRANKLIN ST. THE COl RTYARD 929-029'' CHAPEL HILL
number, with booties. We saw
:ever inch of these girls legs.
2. The girls dressed up like Indian
maidens, harem girls, Cinderella
and various farm animals, success
fully reading their names into the
3. J.C. Penney fashion swimwear
photo session computer ratings.
I've never seen so many perfectly
executed hair flips in my life.
4. The grueling "interview" com
petition, where each girl wears a
tight miniskirt slit up the front and
answers questions about how
much luggage they brought to El
Paso, and what caused their
Mama's Frigidaire to break down.
My favorite answer Miss Okla
homa, who dreams of being "a big
name professional model and an
elementary school teacher."
5. The 20-minute segment that
simply lists all the prizes, including
a five-year supply of ivory Sham
poo and something called versa
Climber Total Body Workout
6. The pan shots of the judging
panel, which showed Miss Pancake
Makeup her ownself , Mary Kay Ash,
sitting next to pony-tailed singing
7. The famous high-heels-and-swimsuit
competition, where the
gals prance between two giant
neon cacti while the judges flash
more computer numbers on the
8. A poufy-dress production
number that starts with one of
the contestants fondling a steer
horn while she sings "I'm an Old
9. Evening gown walking com
petition, in which cleavage,
rooster-doos, Sequin City,
shoulders the size of Montana and
Strapless Fu are backed up by the
behind in my reading).
As you can see, the co-feature
offered with "Night of the Living
Dead" is listed as "The Plaque of
the Zombies." This is an intriguing
title. I hadn't realized zombies got
plaque, or that there were zombie
dentists. But then I thought, naw,
it must be the testimonial kind of
Kathy Ireland trying to remember why she put a rag on her
voices of the Naval Air Traininq
Command Choir while the girls
walk through a bayonet line pro
vided by the officers of the U.S.
Army Air Defense Artillery center
at Fort Bliss.
10. Traditional Walk of last year's
winner, Michell Royer, while she
says, "There's only one word that
can describe what the last year has
been to me: indescribable."
11. The announcement of the
winner, who is always Miss Texas.
This is the best part of the whole
deal. We never even consider
letting anybody from out-of-state
win it. This year it was a TCU
coed with a Black Widow strapless
gown slit up to about her navel
who was asked the question: "Do
you think that actors are over
paid?" Her answer: "Not if they
have a message." I ask you, could
this girl be Miss America? You know
she couldn't. I rest my case.
Speaking of the Sports illus
plaque like they give to Academy
Award losers to hang on their walls
so all their friends can snicker.
But a movie of a zombie awards
banquet with a bunch of zonked
out sleep-walkers picking up their
plaques and making incoherent
acceptance speeches sounds kinda
ike to Campos
Your Own Apartment. Now You
"H-:-::::-:::::-:-:- - 't , , s
vriVnv;1; ffj,, ,
trated swimsuit issue, Kathy ire
land is the star of "Alien from LA."
but keeps all her clothes on and
spends most of the movie muckin'
around through caves with gunk
on her face. No fun for us, but a
pretty decent sci-fi flick about
what would happen if the lost city
of Atlantis was really a spaceship
full of aliens and it sank into the
ocean and then all the aliens went
to the center of the earth to live
and they're still down there wai
tin' for Kathy Ireland to fall down
a hole so they can chain her up
and do disgusting things to her.
That's pretty much your plot, with
plenty of "Blade Runner" rip-off
effects, and "Dune" rip-off cos
tumes, and "Alice in wonderland"
rip-off plots and gratuitous mud-wrestling-to-the-death.
First movie ever made with
spewing dry-ice in every scene. No
breasts. Six dead bodies. Two
brawls. Troll mule. World's worst
boring. Like the actual Oscar show.
Sincerely, Leo N. Mlletlch, El
Actually, your first instinct was
correct. Zombies never floss.
Dear Joe Bob.
This photo of me was taken last
Can Afford It.
7 EstesPark I
head in "Alien From L.A."
tractor. Maggot Burger. Cast of
fish-eye lens people from a San
Francisco Sadie Hawkins Day. Gra
tuitous troll leisure suit. Bottom
less Pit Fu. Frying Pan Fu. Repeated
lead pipe Fu. "Wizard of Oz" rip
off Fu. Malibu Fu. Drive-ln Academy
Award nominations for Linda
Kerridge. as Roryis Freki, for slinkin'
around like an underground ice
woman bar-maid sex goddess;
William R. Moses, as Cus the Miner,
for saying "I feel like a worm
broker"; Janie du Plessis, as the Acid
Witch Woman with a hypo; Deep
Roy, as Mambino the Gangster, for
saying, "You look like a troll, you
dress like a worm and you have
a voice that gives everyone a
headache" and Kathy Ireland, for
talking like Marilyn Monroe after
inhaling helium and getting kid
napped by an army of Sears
Two stars. Joe Bob says check
week in front of Denny's (photo
of two dead guys and a dork in
a cowboy hat). All of a sudden,
those guys started passing out.
That's when I realized my deodo
rant had failed!
You should really be looking
forward to the SECOND grade. You
get to study phonics and draw
bunny rabbits in the afternoon!
"Is Mike Dukakis boring? Let's put
it this way: if you loved Mondale,
you'll like Dukakis."
For free copy of the
current issue of National
Review write to Dept.
UNIV., ISO East 35th
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If 67-31 j