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The daily Tar Heel. (Chapel Hill, N.C.) 1946-current, May 26, 1988, Page 14, Image 14

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I I t 14Tbe Tar Heel Thursday, May 26, 1988 Killer bimbos flash through life in the fast lane A few weeks ago, I was out in El Lay for my annual two-day vacation, which is all the time I can spend out there before I get Bubonic Lung and start spittin' up seaweed crudballs, and anyhow I was talking to this guy who wanted me to write a movie for him, and 1 told him I'd probly do it as long as I didn't have to expose my breasts unless it was necessary to the plot, but by the time I got back to Texas, there was this letter waiting on me from a Communist organiza tion called the Writers Guild of America saying, basically, that if I even THOUGHT about writing this killer-Chihuahua flick that I've always dreamed of making, then they would sanction my hiney and black ball my hiney and bring some lesbians to stand out in my front yard with picket signs, and "You will be denied Guild membership forever." I called the guy in 1 Lay on the phone and asked him who these people were and what they were telling me, and he said, basically, that they'd wait till they settled their strike and then if I wanted to write a script for any of the major companies in Hollywood, they'd make SURE I wasn't allowed to do it. In other words, I went to bed in Grapevine, Texas, and woke up in Communist Russia. Course, this was before I went Joe Bob Briggs At the Drive-in investigating the Writers Guild of America to see what they were protesting about and what fine principles they stood for. I'm sure that, once you hear what they're asking for, you won't care diddly squat that there won't be any new TV shows or movies until the year 1997. Listen up: 1. The writers think that every time an episode of "Jake and the Fatman" gets a rerun, for one night, on one station in Winnemucca, Nev., then the writer should get $874,000. But the greedy producers say the writer should only get, like, $5, and then, after the show is sold to 9,000 OTHER stations, he gets $874,000. This dispute is the "I-want-my-874-thou-NOW" clause. 2. The writers want more simo leans for "burgeoning" foreign TV sales. I dont know what "burgeon ing" is, but I wish stuff in the newspaper would stop doing it. Anyhow, it's burgeoned to the point where they're showing "Valerie's Family" in Sri Lanka, and the writer wants $1.7 million every time a sleazy Sri Lanka character actor dubs Sandy 1 o FF I ALL FRAMES IN STOCK with purchase of prescription lenses through 61788. not good with other specials. ' please present this ad with purchase. I Ask about discounts on non-prescription sunglasses! I We would be happy to arrange and eye exam for you! I PTICIANS i 968-4775 or 968-4776 Mon.-Fri. 9-6 Closed 1-2 235:A ElliottJo.JrogerPlaza Coming to Carolina Apartments 'IheC(u6" will feature jacuzzi, tanning bed, weight room, aerobics room, wet bar & more! Call Today about cre ating an apartment with your personal choices of decor! Hyw 54 929-2139 pre-lease now to avoid a waiting list! Mr 1 JOT I ptr3nr y 1 k A Ml f 14 k : : TV Jl iJ - ,6 Hw-: L lafc. Duncan's voice into Tamil. This seems more than reasonable to me. 3. The writers wanna force the producers to hire more minorities and women as network TV writers. This is because the producers have had an evil long-standing policy of hiring people solely on the basis of their ability to write. 4. Most screenplays take about a month to write, and some guys get as little as $20,000 for a whole screenplay. This is barely enough money to feed 13 cities in Ethiopia. 5. While Johnny Carson finally said he didn't care diddly what the union said and wrote his own show, somebody asked the Writers Guild why they didn't blackball HIM and what was the difference between what Johnny was doing and what they refused to let anybody else do at the Oscar ceremonies (write your own material). Their answer, of course, was 44 6. The average TV sitcom writer makes a measly $460,000 a year, which is barely enough to keep a masseuse in Malibu, much less take care of his Chinese wolfdogs. And do you know the REASON the produc- Bimbos on Parade ers allow the situation to exist? Pure dee 100 percent greed. Speaking of movies I wished I wrote, especially if it would aggravate the Writers Bilge, "Assault of the Killer Bimbos" came out last week, and it's the first in-depth examination of the psyche of the airhead bimbo ever put on film. (I know, I know, I was supposed to do "Friday the 13th VII" this week, but Jason always sticks around a good solid two, three weeks. This thing is the monthly straight-to-video nominee.) Peaches, Lulu and Darlene three upwardly mobile strippers and waitresses (one's a stripper, one's a waitress, and one's a stripping waitress) are running from the law, taking hostages, sque aling a lot and making occasional stops in the desert for disco dancing and makeovers. We're talking Bim borama here. Peaches and Lulu are accused of the murder of a sleazeball topless bar owner, but they were really framed by a greasehead who wears black shirts, white ties and drinks Grey hounds. The bimbos, the greasehead and three gratuitous dopehead surfers all end up in Jalapeno, Mexico, trying FREDDIE S BACK WBEB PERRY SPORTSWEAR STEVE FRIEDMAN'S 5Q MOP AND RUNNING CENTER Car Mill Mall CAftftBOWO. NC 27510 Phone: (9181 933-OO09 to remember their lines and take off most of their clothes. No plot to get in the way of the story an hour and a half solid of Bimboism. Eight breasts. One dead body. A 1 80 on the Squealing Airhead Decibel Meter. Three high-speed motor vehicle chases, with one great crash. Catfight. Three hostage situations. Margarita gulping. Gratuitous hang nail repair. Gratuitous baton twirling. Gratutous Griffin O'Neal. Gratuitous Nick Cassavetes. Hair Spray Fu. Super Glue Fu. Lingerie Fu. Drive in Academy Award nominations for Elizabeth Kaitan, as Lulu, for saying "111 NEVER learn to be a go-go dancer I feel so stupid I should have gone to college."; Mike Muscat, as Vinnie the hitman, for saying "Let's get cooking, babe, I haven't got a lot of time!"; Tammara Souza, as Dar lene the truck-stop waitress, for saying "Go-go dancers? Ain't that a wee bit passe?"; Christina Whitaker, as the redhead head bimbo, tough as a 50-cent steak, for ENJOYING IT every time the cops say "Put your hands on the car and spread em!"; Anita Rosenberg, the director, for having the guts to tell the REAL bimbo story. Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out. IMl lib iLtill THE AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION MEMORIAL PROGRAM . WERE FIGHTING FOR OURUFE American Hoart (4f) Association Jj This spac provktod as a public aarvica. r I

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