Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / June 2, 1988, edition 1 / Page 11
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The Tar HeelThursday, June 2, 19881 1 Jason's back as the butcher who wouldn't die The International Brotherhood of Teamsters can't figure out who should be their next president, and so I'm thinkin of going to Junior Feeney's Big-Rig Truck Driver Night School, which holds classes on the gravel lot at the high school football stadium, and try to qualify for a union card before the guy who's in there now chokes on a baked-potato buffet dinner in Sun City, Ariz., and down shifts for the last time. Here are my qualifications for the job: 1. I don't know where Jimmy Hoffa's body is, either. 2. I LIKE Detroit, even the icky parts. I get fan mail from Detroit that's written on the back of Safeway sacks. I'm obviously one of the guys. 3. I have a strange medical condition where I suffer heart attacks during any grand jury proceeding. 4. 1 LIKE Philadelphia, even the icky parts. 5. I have a IS golf handicap, which qualifies me for the Tony Franciosa Pro-Am Lookalike Tour namant held every spring at La Costa Country Club. 6. 1 once tried to buy a 1966 Olds Toronado metallic silver bullet-proof stretch limo once owned by Frank Sinatra. If I was elected president of the Teamsters, I could a) afford it, and b) afford to be seen in public in it. 7. I love people with eight-' syllable names ending in vowels. 8. I have no idea what pension funds are, how they're supposed to work, where the money goes, what it's for, what bank to send the money to, or who's responsible. Certainly not me. 9. I LIKE Cleveland, even the parts that look like a three-day-old Chicken McNugget that's been run over by a Big Wheel. 10. 1 dont recall. I dont EVER recall. This makes the job a whole lot easier than it was for the last three presidents. 1 1. My cousin wants to be a pit Joe Bob Briggs At the Drive-in boss in Vegas. 12. My other cousin wants to meet Wayne Newton and hear him do "MacArthur Park" at the late show. 13. I won a 10-foot plot of land in a culvert behind a mesa in the middle of the desert about 68 miles east of Tonopah, Nev. 14. 1 LIKE Akron, even the . . . OK, let's not get ridiculous. Speaking of overkill, Jason's been slicin up teen veal the past couple weeks and the word on the street is he's got kind of a droopy cleaver in this one. A lot of people said I should just skip it, but in the interests of finishing out the 'SOs, I went down to check it out anyhow, and basically what we got is "Firestarter" with modern gardening equipment. Jason gets psycho-tele-Drew-Barrymored up out of the bottom of Crystal Lake where he's been getting moldy and losing hunks out of his face for the last year. Lar Park Lincoln, the hot babe from "House 11" and "Princess Academy," is the gal with the ESP brainwaves, but she's really just trying to suck her Daddy back up from the bottom of the lake since it was her that made a pier collapse on him 10 years before by thinking real hard about how much she hated him for being a drunk. It's one of those things where she kind of scrunches up her eyes and stares at you like you just told her her pantyhose were ugly, and then your head explodes. I assume you see what's developing here. We got us a Jason-Buster. Jason out of line? Wham! Drop a telephone pole on him. Jason hacking off too many people? Kaplooey! Levitate a TV set into his head. That kinda stuff. H?: - :rr n Trs: - i s Si . r-.s J "v Br , Am ifi iiiriiii r f" Tfc . . .: . 1 ana a L We don't want to spoil the suspense in this scene from "Friday the 1 3th Part VII," and so MAYBE Jason will take pity on this girl But that's only at the end. First Jason has to kill quite a few yupsters for the usual excellent reasons one girl is killed because she's ugly, four for having sex out of wedlock, two for having sex in a van, two for having sex and smoking dope at the same time, one for urinating in the woods, two for skinny-dipping (always a no no), two for letting their car break down and one for being a psychiatrist. Another big innovation they made this year is to give Jason some kind of high-tech farm-implement sickle-and-spike stainless-steel Teen Chopper. One guy is literally PRUNED to death. We got 17 dead bodies (24 if you count the seven times Jason dies). Five breasts. One motor vehicle crash. Heads roll. Aardvarking in a van. Aardvarking in a tent. Aard varking. Throat spiking. Dagger throwing (bull's eye). Sleepin'-bag bashing. Fist-through-spinal-cord elective surgery. Excellent "Polter geist" rip-off effects. Brain-axing. Head squeezing. Face spiking. Stom ach knifing. Machete-neck-hacking. Nails-to-the-face. Great stupid end ing. Pier Fu. Sickle Fu. Weedeater Fu. Levitating Panasonic Fu. Drive In Academy Award nominations for Lar Park Lincoln, as the bitchy little girl who grows up to Jason's worst nightmare, for saying, "You know, with my luck, you're probably going to turn out to be another delusion."; Jennifer Sullivan, as Melissa, the girl so bitchy sho deserves to die for makeup alone, for saying, "Get REAL!"; and Kane Hodder, as Jason, who brings a new sensitivity to the role by letting his ribs show. Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out. niMi rnnw7 mm Unrawwty Squat Chap Hill 9 7-8935 Summer Shape-Up! New STUDENT RATES! lYear 3 Months 6 Weeks Non Student 355.00 120.00 72.50 Student 295.00 99.00 60.00 SCA Wolff Beds "Tanning Sam's" 10 Sessions - $35.00 coupon expires 6788 Nautilus Freeweights Aerobics Lifecycles Air- Conditioned! THE GYM Featuring the Largest Aerobics & Freeweight areas in Chapel Hill! Closest Fitness Center to Campus! CM, Mil? nnfrnrcJ7 JJ U JUlillMLS Uo fntm ii -M III Old Well Condominiums 501 Jones Ferry Rd, Carrboro, Nc 27570 If you are tired of asking for rent money each month, come to Old Well Condominiums. With a purchase price of only $31,900, a down payment as low as $1,600 and monthly mortgage payments for as little as $313.47, your parents will not want to miss this tremendous investment opportunity. For your parents, buying at Old Well is easy with Grubb Property Financing. Interest rates start at 6.9 and with tax shelter benefits such as interest and property tax deduct ions, owning a condominium becomes cheaper than renting. Fbryou, Old Well is conveniently located on the busline and bike route within minutes of the UNC Campus. The two and three bedroom units have been completely renovated including new carpet, wallpaper, and GE appliances. Amenities include a pool, tennis courts, basketball court and onsite laundry facilities. 24 hour emergency maintenance service and our grounds crew insure you the best maintenance service possible. So tell your parents about Old Well Condominiums. Itfe the easiest way for them to get a return on their investment while you're in school. For an appointment call- 967-2230 Offered By GnM Pmfierlies. Brokers Weicam. Advertise in the Tar Heel 503C WMain Jlt.,Carrboro 933-249j
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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June 2, 1988, edition 1
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