34Trie Tar Heel Thursday, July 14, 1988
'Rambimbo' takes on CIA agents but no snakes in 'Viper'
I just finished up my 14,000-city
presidential campaign tour, including
470 radio shows called "Murphy in
the Morning," 849 visits with "The
Zoo Crew" and that big break we all
wait for six minutes on "A.M.
Cleveland." Now that IVe been out
there and actually touched the
grubby, sweaty skin of the American
people, IVe found out a lot of you
haven't been paying attention and so
you still have stupid questions about
the campaign. Here's the most com
mon ones:
1. "Are you really running for
president or was this just a way to
promote your book?"
That WAS a hysterical coinci
dence, wasn't it? My new book, "A
Guide to Western Civilization, or My
Story," appeared in the bookstores
on the EXACT SAME WEEK I
started my campaign. Kinda makes
you wonder about God's plan for the
universe, don't it? Another interesting
fact: the book is $9.95 from Delacorte
Press. This is the EXACT SAME
AMOUNT that Abraham Lincoln
once owed to a feed-store owner in
Joe Bob Briggs
At the Drive-In
Springfield, 111., in 1848.
2. "Why?"
As a preventative measure, I'm
running on the Condom Ticket. The
slogan is "I'm not much fun, but if
you dont use me, you might get a
real nasty surprise later."
3. "What would you do?"
Nothing. I would never come out
of my trailer house. Your life, liberty
and property is safe with me. For the
complete details of exactly HOW I
would do nothing, write me at P.O.
Box 33, Dallas, Texas 75221.
4. "Do you have anybody in
mind as a running mate?"
Unfortunately, I asked seven lady
DJs to be my running mate and spent
the next four months rootin around
in an Airstream trailer, and now I
live with the fear that one of 'em will
show up and Glenn-Close me to
death. I'm countin on that quickie
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M -i r i i i t t , f it . t i
Secret Service protection you can
request when you're running for
president. But what I'm REALLY
shooting for is Carol Doda as my
running mate. She's the San Fran
cisco stripper known as the "Twin
Peaks," so she answers all the
objections of my opponents: she's a
woman, she loves the arts and she's
a United Way Agency. Carol also
balances the ticket the hard way: on
top of 4-inch see-through mules with
little puffy balls on the top.
5. "What would you do about
national defense?"
Beef up anti-aircraft nucular
defense systems. It's recently come to
my attention that huge DC-10 attack
fighters from several Communist
countries have been landing at a
secret base called John F. Kennedy
Airport right outside New York City.
We currently have under develop
ment a Exocet "Destroyer" Surface-to-Air
Whammo Warp-Speed Pun
ishment Weapon guaranteed to get
those tray tables and seat backs into
a full, upright position a long time
before those anti-American war
planes come to a complete stop at
the gate. WeVe also discovered that
the ability of these combat aircraft
to retaliate against our Navy ships
is fun to watch, especially when they
drop cups, napkins and other objects
out the emergency doors in an
attempt to confuse us. IVe been fully
briefed by the Reagan administration
on this program, and I'm fully
prepared to continue it. I'm proud
to say we haven't lost a single man
in this type of engagement.
Speaking of frothing maniac
American soldiers, there's this flick
out called "Viper" which I originally
went to see cause I expected it to be
about 90-foot-long man-eating
snakes, and there hasn't been a decent
snake movie since "Venom." But it's
not about snakes; it's about what
would happen if secret CIA shock
troops decided to dress up like
See JOE BOB page 35
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This woman loves semi-automatic weapons fire in "Viper"
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