8 The Tar Heel? Monday, August 29, 1988
Dirty Hair iry 5
My friend Elmo Stribley had a job
working as a security guard during
the Democratic convention, and he
overheard this conversation one night
between Mike Dukakis and Reverend
Jesse.
Mike: "You LOST, Jeese."
Jesse: "What?"
Mike: "YOU LOST! I don't think
it's a concept you understand. You
LOST the damn election."
Jesse: I am cool, I am controlled,
I am mature, I will keep my eyes on
the prize."
Mike: "We know about that, Jesse.
Actually, we don't know about that,
but for right now, let's say we DO,
because you say it so much we don't
want to figure out what you're saying.
We would just like you to say one
thing: 1 lost.' Can you say that? Five
letters. Two words."
Jesse: "I have an oration for this
nation."
Mike: "You can orate your little
duff off. We're just worried about
your brain's ability to compute
information, like, for example, the
information that you LOST."
Joe Bob Briggs
At the Drive-in
Jesse: "I have a message ..."
Mike: "Oh no, he's gonna start
again."
Jesse: "1 have a message and it's
a message of humility and tranquility
. . . Cooperation, not dictation ...
victory, not ..."
Mike: "Thank God, he can't find
anything that rhymes with victory.
Okay, Jesse. Look. I'm holding up
my hand in front of your eyes. How
many fingers?"
Jesse: "Three."
Mike: "What city are you in?"
Jesse: "Atlanta, home of a very
great man, a PROPHET in our
century, a LEADER in an age of. . ."
Mike: "Somebody go get Lloyd,
Jesse's doing one of his epilepsy
things again. His arms are gonna start
twitching in a minute."
Elmo: "Lloyd who?"
Mike: "Lloyd Bentsen, the Texas
guy with the three-Scotches-at-lunch
face."
Jesse: "I want my PEOPLE in the
PARTY, I want my PLAYERS in
the BALLGAME, I want my PLOW
ERS in the BEANFIELD, 1 want my
BALLET DANCERS in TUTUS."
Mike: "Where the hell is Lloyd? I
need him now!"
Elmo: "Lloyd's sleeping again."
Mike: "Well, punch him up, get out
his medication, hook up an IV, and
GET HIM IN HERE."
Jesse: "We want a slice of the pie,
we want a piece of the action, we want
a portion of the six-pack, we want
a full Twinkie from a two-Twinkie
package."
Mike: "Okay, great, Lloyd's here.
Just in time. Lloyd, listen to me
LLOYD, WAKE UP! Lloyd, I
need you to do something. Stand
right over there. Stand next to Jesse.
Look into Jesse's face. All right. Now.
Jesse. Look at this man. HE'S THE
RUNNING MATE. He's BEEN the
running mate. HE will get his picture
on the posters and the buttons and
be on Ted Koppel."
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Jesse: "He's the running mate?"
Mike: "YES! YES! YouVe got it
now. HE is the running mate."
Jesse: "This guy?"
Mike: "Him. Sorry, Jesse. I knew
you'd understand."
Jesse: "My destination is jubila
tion, my destiny is . . ."
Mike: "Well, it sort of worked. He
used another y word and missed his
rhyme."
Lloyd: "Is he the running mate?"
Mike: "No, Lloyd, dammit, YOU
are the running mate."
Lloyd: " My destiny will rest in thee
Mike: "Damn."
Elmo: "Should I wake Mr. Bentsen
again?"
Mike: "No, just throw a tarp over
him. Jesse, let's start over again. You
LOST the election."
Jesse: "They say I lost, but I'm still
the boss."
Speaking of bullies who refuse to
go away, the new Dirty Harry flick
is out, "The Dead Pool," about
another schizoid in San Francisco
blowing people up with remote
control toy cars and using butcher
knives on people at the KGO TV
station, which was bought by Capital
Cities Communications a couple
years ago and so the people there are
already used to butcher knives.
Anyhow, the basic plot is that
everybody in the media is hoping
Dirty Harry gets blown away so that
a) the ratings can go up, and b) he
can't be mayor of Carmel any more.
But fortunately for us, Dirty Harry
Callahan looks even MORE deadly
now that he has those lines on his
neck and his face skin is cracking and,
when he squints, it looks like his head
is about to explode. This time they
give him a CHINESE, which means,
of course, Insult Fu. Clint is still the
only man alive who can take a word
like "Chinese-American" and say it
in a way that sounds like "worthless
scum wimp brain-dead reetard." But
then they hit Dirty Harry with the
final straw. They tell him they want
him to work in the public relations
department.
The man does it again. No breasts.
(There never are, cause Harry is NOT
interested.) Nineteen dead bodies.
Two exploding cars. Two bullet-
See JOE BOB page 9
Summer Bands
from page 7
is little doubt that it means to be
recognized. The bands with the most
promise are the Veldt and Urban
Edge.
B Finest Visiting Band in a Club:
Love Tractor. Don't be deceived by
the Tractor's pleasant albums: live,
the music explodes in a full, inter
woven sound that recalls Television
at its finest. The Swans' unpleasant
albums could also be deceiving, but
live the band manages to make its
music accessible and exciting. Nix to.
it, however, for not doing an encore.
o Visiting Band in an Arena: Rod
Stewart was really the only major
concert attraction in Chapel Hill this
summer, and he was lots of fun.
Chapel Hill residents who managed
to make the trip to Raleigh to catch
the explosive Midnight Oil concert
were even luckier.
Q Nightclub: Cat's Cradle. Not
only is the Cradle still the place to
catch new music in Chapel Hill, but
it is manned by some of the friendliest
and most dedicated club employees
in the area. Although it will soon be
moving, everything that matters will
be moving with it.
a Radio Station: WXYC. UNC's
own new music station still beats all
the new music or rock stations
receivable here. Outside of a recent
glut of rap overplay, WXYC is
remarkable for its fine balance
between different forms and eras of
music. Where else could you expect
to catch the powerful new comeback
albums by Iggy Pop and Patti Smith?
H Edibles After Seeing a Show:
Pepper's Pizza. Tasty New York-style
eating with a witty wallfull of graffitti
to read. The service is also exception
ally good; whatever Pepper's faithful
employees get paid, they deserve
more.
HE'S
NOT HERE
on the Village Green.
k a;
presents
Friday, September 2nd
Saturday, September 3rd
Behind Pizza Hut & past the Yogurt Pump
All Bands Play 9:00-12:00 pm
Jhe Chapel Hill Noise Ordinance requires thai bands play no later than 12
PM outdoors.