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OmnibusThursday, September 22, 1 9881 5
Kiss clones and bad-boys of
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By RANDAL BULLOCK
staffwwcer
Okay sickies, its bottom feeding
time again, and we're not making
any stops on the way down this
time The week has been fruitful
and has offered up the very best
of the perverse, the depraved and
the misaligned for your perusal.
Music to instruct, entertain and fill
your brain with nasty thoughts.
An album guaranteed to make the
PMRC up their Valium intake,
henpeck their husbands and down
Pepto Bismol to soothe their
disrupted digestive tracts, in fact,
I think I can hear Tipper shooting
a hole the size of Fiji into her
Depends undergarments right
now. Lets find out why, shall we?
Hell-o - Cwar (ShimmyDisc)
Kiss Is not dead. No, no, no. It,
like Elvis, cannot dsa As long as
there are minions who wili flock
to the Gene Simmons Living
Tongue Memorial on their way to
Craceland, there will be entertain
ers willing to slap on the appro
priate garb and muddy the same
waters. And so we have Cwar, the
Kiss of the '80s. Or, at least the
parody of Kiss for the '80s, which
is much harder to do than it
sounds, since Kiss was essentially
a self-parody anyway, in the
manner of Styx.
But for those of you who dont
think Kiss was good at what it did,
which it was, ill tell you that the
comparison is merely a thematic
one. i.e. Cwar wears costumes
(much better ones) and sings songs
that are degrading to women,
glorify the party ideal and treat
sin as a cardinal virtue. And
although this may sound negative,
ail the results are in and that's
what America wants from its rock
"n' roll bands. Cwar is more than
happy to give it to you. .
In keeping with this, Cwar wants
you to know that it has come for
your entrails. It also wants you to
know that bone meal is better
than no meal at ail But dont
worry, there is an explanation.
Cwar comes from Richmond,
where the official dtywide stench
of sulphur has been scientifically
proven to create irreversible
mutations. Cwar merely repre
sents its constituency as best it
knows how. As a result, it also
thinks it would be rewarding to
rape your dog with a plow. With
this being the least talked about
Southern pastime, I can see
Oprah's revealing special on Rich
mond now - "So," she asks, oozing
tact, "is pus really, the best lubri
cant when using a plow?" But l
digress, we were talking about
...? Oh yeah, Kiss. -
So, obviously the comparison to
Kiss breaks down a little here. But
face It, Paul and Gene may have
had the right idea with Kiss all
along, they were, unfortunately,
just spineless maggots. And
though Cwar may live on the
underside of rotten meat, you
cant accuse it of maggotry. Even
the music, with a much greater
debt owed to hardcore than
metal, bites harder than Kiss ever
did and reminds everyone why Kiss
belonged and remained on the
shirts of pre-pubes.
But this doesnt mean you have
to be a simp. Cwart jokes are right
on the mark, even if they are a
bit on the vulgar side. Look at it
this way - any band that replies,
when asked about war, with "Sure,
it's fun . . . but is it art?" scores
some points at least Cwar is living
proof that you cant keep a good
concept down. Join them on the
molten nipple mound.
By WINSTON P. LLOYD
Staff Writer
Television is the most powerful
of all media, and television is good.
That's right. I said it. Television is
generally good, quality and some
times, dare I say it . . art
That is what this column is all
about; explaining the quality and
sometimes the lack of quality that
television produces daily.
For instance, an average of
three to four new programs make
it each year. That is out of thou
sands of scripts and hundreds of
produced ideas.
So, what do we like? Familiarity,
if we are somehow familiar or can
identify with a character or situa
tion, then we are more likely to
watch the show. The more we
identify, the higher the ratings.
Therefore, television is a reflection
of those who watch it "Dynasty"
is a reflection of certain desires
and fantasies.
Beyond the recognition a show
must create in viewers, there
must be stories which hold the
attention. Otherwise an attempt
at realism as in "Jack and Mike" is
a failure. Detailing such things will
be the point of this column from
week to week.
Now you're thinking, "So Its a
reflection of its viewers, intelligent
people dont watch it." Wrong.
Viewership is spread evenly among
classes. The average person with
more than $40,000 of income
yearly watches 50 hours a week.
The same average holds for those
in poverty. Television indeed
affects everyone. Ninety-eight
percent of households have at
least one TV set, and the largest
circulation magazine in the United
States is TV Guide.
To give you an idea of what this
means, consider that the most
successful motion picture of a'J
time was "ET," which sold a total
of about 65 million tickets in its
two-year run. More than 40 minion
watch "A Different World" every
week.
More numbers: About 14.7 mil
lion saw Dan Rather last week. If
its true that he's biased, imagine
the influence he has. More people
get their news from television
than any other source. Views
presented here could affect mil
lions every week, whether it be
the news or a comedy.
Think of this in terms of a
presidential election, in the 1984
landslide" election, Ronald Reagan
beat Walter Mondale by 16.8
. million votes. That is exactly the
number of people who watched
"Designing women" last week.
"Cheers" averages, more viewers
weekly than the votes either
Kennedy or Nixon received in 1 960.
The margin in that election was
119,000 votes. The worst rated
program of last week was seen by
36 times that many people
With television's power and
reach, it deserves the attention
given motion pictures. And here
it is. For the student who may
want to spend one of his valuable
study hours watching TV, now you
may know what is worth seeing.
So every week, here will be a guide
to whats good and bad on the
box. Same Bat day, same Bat
paper.
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