4OmnibusThursday, October 6, 1988
Dinosaur gas, murderous
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and steak knife Fu
cameras
By JOS CC3 E!GGS
Many of you have questions
about radon Please allow me to
explain
Billions of years ago a dinosaur
died under your house. The title
company djdnt tell you this. Now
the dinosaur looks real icky. He's
got fumes coming out of his nose
and slithering up underneath the
swing set in the backyard. These
fumes have the same stuff in 'em
we used to blow up Hiroshima if
you breathe this stuff every day
while you're watching "Family
Feud." your lung will eventually
look like a kickball that's been
mashed flat under a Demster
Dumpster. Youll know this when
people come in your house and
say, "Hey. sounds like you got 30.
40 cobras under that sofa Oh.
sorry. ifs just Sal breathing again."
Fortunately, we have a govern
ment agency called the EPA that
gives us all the information on this
stuff. Here's the information they
gave us:
b Where Is it? Everywhere.
b Whose house Is it in? we dont
know.
a Can we get rid of It? No.
a Can we keep It out of the
house? Maybe.
a What is going to happen to
us? You will die.
a is that all? No. smokers will die
faster.
So then they send out this
pamplet in the mail, how they
surveyed 11,000 homes and about
3.500 of 'em had four picocuries
of radon per liter of air, and ail
the people in North Dakota will be
dead by next year. Except for the
people In North Dakota, who just
said "Shoot, we aint even gonna
try," everybody else in the coun
try started asking how soon they
were gonna die and whether they
should fumigate, and if they dont
fumigate, whether they'll have
babies bom with 1 2 hands.
And then the EPA said you send
off 20 bucks for this little radon
roach motel that collects the
stuff, and then you send it off to
Fotomat or somewhere, and they
Guaranteed In 30
minutes or less or
receive
$3.00 dPFFJ
'limited area
' -
I Two 12" Pizzas
I with one topping only
! $og
write you a letter that says. "Yes,
you are going to die," or, "Nope
- you just put 20 bucks down the
toilet" And then if you get the
letter saying you're going to die,
they give you instructions on how
to hire some guy named Jake who
drives a Nissan pickup with tools
in the back and comes to your
house wearing a gas mask and
carrying a blowtorch. Jake will
only charge you a couple thou to
run a pipeline up out of your
basement to the roof and stick in
a fan that blows gunk into the
atmosphere where it belongs. And
then, before he leaves, hell say,
"Hope we got her. Gimme a call
if the baby dont grow some feet
pretty soon"
Oh yeah, one more thing. Its
invisible. Ifs odorless. The little
roach motel might work and it
might not And Jake got his degree
in air conditioner repair from
Southeast Oklahoma State
Teachers College.
Free consumer tip from Joe Bob.
Just thought you should know.
Speaking of home repairs,
"Twice Dead" is about a mansion
In El Lay thafS haunted by a movie
camera. Just when you think
you're safe in bed, this terrifying
camera bobs and weaves down
the hall, so you cant see exactly
where you're going, and then .
wham! it races to a close-up of
some helpless TV actor trapped in
a movie about sleazebaii gangs
that want to kill an entire family
for HUMILIATING them with special
effects.
Actually, this is one of the best
flicks of "88, the drive-in version of
"Sunset Boulevard." it starts with
a creepozoid film star dancing
around his mansion with a female
department store dummy, stab
bing her with a steak knife, and
then hanging himself from the
rafters 'cause they're about to
take his house away. Fifty years
later, the Ozzie-and-Harriet family
from Boulder shows up, runs off
a Cro-Magnon biker gang with a
shotgun, wipes away some cob
webs and starts moving in The
only thing Is, nobody's changed
PIZZA
T
16" Unlimited
Items
J $50...f
any of the furniture for 50 years.
The dead film star Is still ghostin'
around up therecoasting down
the halls disguised as a camera,
wrapping ropes around junior's
ankles while he's sleeping, peeking
in at the daughter and. in the big
final scene, Jason-ing to death four
or five gang goonies for mashing
up his dummy with a motorcycle.
You dont know whether he's a
good ghost or a bad ghost, or why
he carries a 35-mm camera with
him everywhere he goes, but
that's what makes it GREAT.
Six breasts. Twelve dead bodies.
Three motor vehicle chases, one
with hearse. Two hangings. One
dead cat, with bloody doornail.
Dumbwaiter skull-crushing. Steak
knife neck-plunging. Heads roll
twice. Great "Alien" stomach
monster rip-off effect. Ghost on
a motorcycle. Mirror Fa Noose Fu.
Coffin Fu. Basketbail-in-the-face Fu.
Drive-ln Academy Award nomina
tions for Sam Melville, as Dad, for
screaming at the son who doesnt
like shotguns, "What the hell kind
of kid did I raise?" and, at the end.
"Weil, its a good thing they're all
dead saves me the trouble";
Christopher Burgard, as Silk the
gang leader, for running over a kid
in the street, standing over the
body, and saying, "You should
choose your friends more care
fully" Jill Whitlow, the foxy daugh
ter, for saying. "Please - dont
hurt him - 111 do anything you
want"; Travis McKenna, as Melvin
the obnoxious fat-boy gang
member on a motorcycle, for
getting repeatedly beat up, humil
iated and attacked by his own
vehicle; and Bert Dragin, the direc-
tor, who also made the four-star
flick "Summer Camp Nightmare,"
and who made this ghost story,
which is pretty dumb, into a
decent flick.
Four stars. Joe Bob says check
it out.
Joe cob's Mailbag
Dear Joe Bob-.
You might be interested to
know that my college English
professor read one of your articles
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V V"
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i
Retarded actor attempts to
to the class as an example of
contemporary American journal
ism! What a guy!
Valerie Saurer
Tallahassee, Fla
DearVal:
Thats nothing new. I've been on
the curriculum at west Tallahassee
State Teachers a&m college since
I sent in my 30 bucks in 1983.
Hey Joe Bob.
Here are some planks for your
campaign platform:
1. Promise to pass legislation
WKVC
1. Fishbone
2. Feelfes
3. Jane's Addiction
4 Let's Active
5. John Hiatt
6 Tom Waits
1. Billy Brads
8. Bed Larry, Vellow Carry
9 Cocteau Twins
10, Lloyd Cole and the
Commotions
ILSiouxsieand the
Banshees
2 Dream Syndicate
13. Jad Fair and Kramer
14. Folkways
15. ARKane
16 Rose of Avalanche
17. Various Artists
18 Screaming Tribesman
19, Toots Hibbert
20. Ladysmith Black ,
Mambazo
hang himself In 'Twice Dead
permitting the use of small caliber
handguns to make any TV remote
control.
2. Promise to repeal as uncon
stitutional all local ordinances
restricting tipping in topless bars
to garter belts if you know what
l mean and l think you do.
Big Frank Gaughan
Westland, 0.
Dear Big Frank:
I've heard about you sickles in
Cleveland that go to bars to watch
garter belts dance.
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.K'.WA'.'.t-.'.