4OmnibusThursday, October 13, 1988
Redneck
fun
and
the
enormous
talents of Elvira
Cy JC5 CC3 CSIGGS
Syndicated Columnist
Time once again for the big
hoonaw State Fair of Texas, which
attracts 48 million people a year
from a!l known planets in the
universe to watch guys with no
teeth grab greased piglets by the
hind legs and throw 'em through
a flaming hoop to win 20 bucks
to get drunk on. its great For
those of you in other states who
never got to go to the State Fair
of Texas, and wonder why there's
an enormous void in your life,
here's just a few of the things that
make It different from ever other
fair in America:
d fidget Rooster Tcssting: A
relatively new animal show, in
which purebred poultry specimens
with a recessive growth gene are
paraded Into an arena by obnox
ious 6-year-old tow-headed boys
named lan. When the competing
roosterette reaches the center of
the arena, the little monster
throws it into the hot coals of a
brick open-pit barbecue, then jerks
it back out again and watches it
jostle and jiggle its way toward an
18-inch child's wading pool. Last
bird to drown wins, invented by
16th-century nobility in France,
the sport has been recently
revived by bored rich people in
Santa Barbara, Calif.
a The "Ethnic America"
Culld'ng: Be sure you dont miss
the 118-year-old "Indian Joe,"
dressed in authentic burlap bags
from the reservation, who
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Elvira in one of the quiet, understated, sensitive scenes from "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
changes expressions twice a day and agony etched into every line cracked down the front Fortu
and occasionally keels over dead of his face. Make your kid give him nately, she inherits a house that's
when a fat guy talks about the
100 years of shame, exploitation
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October 14th through October 23rd
For less than the price of a movie ticket, you can have hours of fun
at the North Carolina State Fair.
Thrill to the rides and test your skills on the midway. Visit the
exhibit halls featuring crafts, art, flower displays, quilt displays, baked
goods and more. See the unforgettable agricultural showcase called
-Goodness Grows in North Carolina", plus a host of other one-of-a-kind
events like lumberjack shows, pig races, prize-winning livestock shows,
tractor pulls and demolition derbies. -
And theres music in the air every night, with free concerts
featuring a variety of famous musicians, singers and bands.
So bring a date and have some fun at a real fair price at the North
Carolina state Fair.
Visit the exhibit halls from 9 AM -10
PM daily.
See scheduled shows and visit the
midway from 9 AM -Midnight daily.
For more information call (919)821-7400.
Goodness Grows In North Carolina
State Fair
Oct H -23
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a nickel to show how much we
love the Indians.
b Potholder Jamboree: we
used to let Indians enter the arts-and-crafts
competitions, but
they'd turn in $2,000 turquoise
bracelets that they'd spent 10,000
hours working on, and so all the
old ladies with jelly-bean
Christmas-tree ornaments got
really ticked off. This year's primo
event Is the Tctholders in the
Shape of Grandchildren- competi
tion, which was won 17 years in
a row by Leticia Watts of Mountain
Home, Texas, until one of her
grandchildren got trampled by an
African gazelle on the Y.O. Game
Ranch. It was a very tragic event,
especially when the judges refused
to believe the potholder was a fair
representation of little Randy.
n The U.S. Marine Drum-and-Cugle-and-JIve
saxophone
Corps: Four shows a day. Try to
see the finale, with fireworks,
when they play "Stars and Stripes
and More Stars and More Stripes,
and You Gonna Be Seein' Stars and
Gettin' Stripes if You Dont Get Off
My Back."
o The Fe FI Fo Fum Acrobatic
and Juggling Troupe from
Tientsin Province. China: This
year they will juggle kick and
mutilate the Won Ton Soup Acro
batic and Juggling Troupe from
Siankiang Province. South China
Speaking of disgusting specta
cles. Elvira and her two enormous
talents came out With a movie last
week about a simple young girl
whose ambition in life is to paste
whiriybirds on her breasts and do
the double-windmill flying-tassel,
bouncing-bazooma Vegas show
girl routine popularized by Virginia
Bell, the finest stripper in the
history of Cincinnati, in the late
50s. (Virginia receives no credit on
the movie, by the way). Anyhow,
to get the 50 thou she needs to
pay the Flamingo Hotel to put her
on stage. Elvira has to prove she
can do more than walk around like
a tube-., of Elmer's. Glue tfoatV
haunted by character actors,
wnere sne can live with her punk
rock poodle and whoever drops by
to stare at her cleavage.
After a while they throw some
plot in about a demon recipe book
full of casseroles that have intes
tines and teeth, and the evil uncle
who's trying to get the book so
he can laser people to death with
his fingernails, and a "Rashdance"
ripoff show where Elvira gets tar
dumped on her, and a burning-at-the-stake
scene, and 367 breast
jokes but nothing compares to
the Vegas production number
finale, where Elvira dresses up like
Ann Margaret and starts dancing
and pretty soon starts to look like
... Elvira dressed up like Ann
Margaret
Two breasts. Four dead bodies.
Exploding gas station Attack
poodle. Spiked high heel to the
brain. Leeches in the face. Hand
rolls. Casserole monster. Flaming
snake. The dreaded Tic-Tac Pie.
People turned into pigs for no
apparent reason. Gratuitous ax
murder. Kung Fu. Beer Fu. Rash
dance Fu. Garbage disposal Fu.
Thunderstorm Fu. Spiked high heel
Fu. And, of course, Whirtybird Fu.
Drive-in Academy Award nomina
tions for Daniel Greene, as the hunk
love interest, for watching Patty
start burning Elvira at tne staKe
and saying "Patty, you're not a
very nice person"; Susan Keller
mann, as the owner of Patty's Tidy
Bowl lanes, for trying to compete
with Elvira's breasts, then saying
"Trash does not compete with
class" and "I'm sorry I set you on
fire and everything" W. Morgan
Sheppard, for excellent Vincent
Price-ripoff devil worship, and for
saying "III get you, and your little
dog, too" Elvira, for saying "Just
grab a tool and start banging" and
"l know my rights,- I'm entitled to
one phone call and a stnp-search"
and "I'm like fake fruit - I dont
bruise that easily."
Three stars for Elvira. Both of
her. '
Joe Bob'says check-Jtout : cv v