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A pathetic display of ignorance from the start
Volume LXX, Number 15
Friday, October 1 4, 1 988 Redneck City, North Carolina Dial-a-barnyard-animal 737-241 1 Order a bucket of chicken 737-2029
ttkte wants a cMaecellor, too
By Don Skunk
Special Wing-ding correspondent
It all started with an idea a
rare occurrence at State.
The school could install a chan
cellor and have its own University
Pay. "Shee-it, then we'd be like a
real school and all," observed Billy
Joe Hogcaller, N.C. State student
body president. "It ain't fair.
What'd that Hardin guy do to
deserve all that free food? I mean,
20,000 chicken- drumettes and
25,000 chocolate chip cookies could
feed me, my kissin' cousins and my
pigs for a week."
In protest, Hogcaller organized
his own University Day hoedown.
All the various species at State
including the ducks assembled
behind the main barn and marched
around the pasture waving real big
banners that read, "We want choklit
cookies too," "Yee Haw Agri
The next chancellor was chosen
through a tobacco spitting contest.
Contestants were judged on accu
racy, distance and form. The winner
and new chancellor: Bruce Poultry,
of Deep Gap Windy Hollow Bas
sackwards, N.C. (It's near Ashe
ville.) "Well, shut my mouth and roll
me in momma's grits!" exclaimed
Poultry. "I'm just as happy as a
possum eating dog shit."
Poultry immediately gave an
speech. (That means he was just,
like, talkin' no index cards or
"The first thing I'm gonna do in
that there purty office is pick out
a spot for my granddaddy's still. I
don't go nowheres without my
home brew," Poultry said.
"Next I'm gonna get me a date
with one of them bodacious -cheerleaders."
.In keeping with the tradition
established by UNGChancelIor -
Paul Hardin, Poultry sang the '
school song, "Green Acres," to the
crowd. His eyes brimmed with tears
as he sang the line: "Farm livin' is
the life for me."
As his first official duty as ;
chancellor, Poultry used State's' ,
ceremonial plowblade to slice a real -big
cake choklit with a red
plastic tractor on top and served
it up to all the revelers.
Said freshman Bobby Lee Reese
of the afternoon: "The cake, it were
real good. 'Course, I had a time
pickin' the rust pieces from the
plowblade out of my teeth."
&D club bemoans poor attendance
Bv Bertha T. Fatbutt
" Only 54 percent of all incoming
freshmen are active members of
State's Dungeons and Dragons
Computer Games club the worst
fe.cruiting year ever recorded.
"We were reeeeeeeally disap-
pointed at the low turnout this
year," whined club secretary Myron
Irving, as he pushed his two-inch-
thick glasses back up his pimply
In previous years, active enrol-
Iment of the club has reached
almost 100 percent, as skinny
farmboys and lonely exchange
students searched for common
ground. Many of them found it in
By Dweeb July
Noted Wolfpack alumnus Chris
Washburn today announced the
formation of the N.C. State Insti
tute for Overrated Athletes Who
Need Something To Do After
Wasting a Year or Two at State.
Washburn, speaking through an
interpreter, said he was really upset
that everybody was so mad at him.
for not doing shit in the NBA after
being so full of potential.
"I really don't think it's fair."
Washburn said. "Just 'cause,
y!know, people give you a million
dollars and shit, they think you
gotta come to practice yTcnow and
play ball and score points and make
the team win. I just wanna have
. Washburn said he was establish
ing the institute to help other
athletes that have played at State
and gone on to do absolutely
nothing in later life.
"Y'know, David Thompson, he
i - :
Chancellor Bruce "L vyish I wuz head of a real
school" Poultry celebrates his installment with
home brew, a bevy of bodacious babes and a
the fantasy world of swords and
"My real life, she was such a sad
farce," observed Sahib Nallamuha
chi, who is studying architecture at
State so he can build hide tents for
his nomad family. "1 would lose
myself in my character, Hanse
Shadowspawn of the world of the
thieves. 1 was so sad, when the dice
she rolled a 'six,' and Hanse died
of the syphilis."
This time of sorrow for Sahib is
familiar to many State students,
who live vicariously through their
clerics and paladins. During these
times of mourning, fejlow D&Ders
form special bonds that reach
across otherwise insurmountable
opens .institute for .no -
was my inspiration. He was like
y'know the greatest player I ever
did see when' he played ball here.
But then he was just gone; poof,
we didn't see him or nothin'.
"Or Derek Whittenburg or Haw
keye Whitney or Sidney Lowe or
Lorenzo Charles or y'know a lot
'..woto--:.. : ?.k
' "' -ill
1 fesf '7
? - 1
In Sahib's words: "When first I
came here, it was like the tribes back
home, very hard to break into the
new one. But when I started playing
playing D&D, the loneliness, she
Sahib's roommate, Clyde Led
better, agreed: "Boy, he was like a
chicken drowning in a feed trough.
I thought if I heard one more time
about how the admissions office
came to the Punjab looking for
students to fill the dorms, and how
much he liked America and all that
bullwang, I'd beat his ass."
But soon Clyde and Sahib found
they had a common interest in role
playing. "Yeah, well, this week
of those other guys whose names
I forgot already. Man they were
awesome, but then they just didn't
do nothin'." .
Through the institute, Washburn
said he hoped to give washed-up
athletes another chance at sponging
more money from State and its
"Shit, after them payments get
cut off, y'know, I know it's hard
on those guys who can't go to
million-dollar guaranteed contracts
in the pros. And even then, y'know,
it's hard, 'cause it's like you gotta
work for the money and shit. It ain't
like school, when you can just wake
up, watch The Price is Right' and
then go shoot hoops for 10 or 20
minutes while Coach V talks about
that lucky shit where Derek shot
and Lo caught it and threw it down
and he won some championship
even though it was kind of a joke."
Washburn said he will use his last
check from whichever NBA team
he rides the pine for now to get the
institute started. And despite the
name, the institute will not just
damned good-looking hat.: Poultry said he tried
his level best to keep the ceremonial choklit
cake off his clothes, but oh well.
Sahib and I are ; playing virgin
milkmaid and the evil count. See,
Sahib plays the role of the milkmaid
oh hey, are you writin' this down
for the paper?"
Despite the club's allure, attend
ance plummeted when the Dungeon
Master, High Priest Wizard Nee
dlemeyer, resigned. Needlemeyer
was known for his touching imper
sonation of Hobbit Bilbo Baggins,
but was drummed out of the club
when he was caught on a date.
The club's remaining members
are hoping the Halloween seance
social will boost flagging morale.
All students attending should dress
as their favorite D&D character
and bring a covered dish.
good worthless State
benefit athletes, he said.
"Naw, I hear everybody that goes
to school here has a tough time
gittin a job, y'know. What the hell,
let's just build a big kinda gym type
thing and have a big stereo and
some stuff to eat and let everybody
hang out there after they graduate
until some jobs come open down
at the prison or at Pullen Park.
Personally, if I wasn't getting paid
all this money for sitting beside the
court and watching NBA basket
ball, I'd love to be in charge of
running the merry-go-round.
"Oh, and we gotta have a goal
too, 'cause I know a lot of people
will be wanting to shoot some
hoops. But well need a lot of extra
balls if Bennie Bolton and Ernie
Myers show up, 'cause they ain't
never seen no kind of shot they
didn't like." k
Washburn said he was anxiously
awaiting the return of Charles
Shackleford from the pros, so they
could be like the co-directors of the
institute and shit.
"Yeah, me and Shack, we used
Campus Police Roundup
a A man with a shirt that said
"Purvis" on the front was stopped
in front of the 7-11 Wednesday
night with a mysterious bulge in his
pants. Further investigation
revealed that the man was conceal
ing 57 dried ounces of Copenhagen;
a Playboy truck air freshener and
three back issues of "Juggs" mag
azine. He was released with a
d A resident of Bagwell Dorm
was awakened by the pitter-patter
of urine on her linoleum floor.
Police arrived to find a man still
relieving himself all over the res
ident's biology homework. When
questioned, he groped for an invis
ible toilet handle and muttered,
"Durn dorm toilet . . . ain't never
a A police, officer heard several
shots ring out behind Syme Dorm
Thursday night. It scared him so
bad that he "damn near pooped on
(his) pistol." A search of the area
revealed 13 dead squirrels and their
proud slayer, Jethro Slidell, 22, of
Fuquay-Varina. Ten of them were
slung around his neck, and three
were roasting over a makeshift
barbeque spit in the quad. "Howdy,
Officer!" Slidell yelled, "Want white
meat or dark?" "Heck, IH have
some white meat," the officer
State's new Cow Palace
may rival Dean's Dome
By Lisa Lisa
and the Cult Jam
N.C. State marketing director
Jim Vilevaino announced today the
beginning of a drive to replace the
Big Barn and bring a new, modren
coliseum to the school The Cow
"rm telliti ya it's .gonna be big, .
real' big. Big, big, big," Vilevaino
said. "Maybe not big enough for
my ego, but pretty doggone big.
"And well have plenty of space
inside to sell Nissans, cookbooks,
Nikes and anything else I can make
a buck off of."
Vilevaino said he may also allow
the basketball team to play in the
new coliseum if they ask him real
"Lemme tell ya, those are really
some great guys, and if I'm not
working on the days they have
games, 111 be glad to have them
come in here and shoot that rock,"
Vilevaino said. -
"It's gonna be something special,
I'm tellin' ya. It's gonna have a roof
and a floor and goals and a real
electric scoreboard and a big picture
of me on the outside.
"It's gonna be an incredible place.
Itll be loud, stupid people dressed
in red as far as the eye can see. And
those wacky guys from PEST, or
VEST, or LEST, or BEHEST,
whoever the hell they are, I bet
theyll have a great time painting
their faces and forgetting for a few
hours that they're illiterate."
But whatever happens, Jimmy V
said he would be glad to play Dean
Smith, who has won more than
twice as many games as Vilevaino
yet has lost nine less, in his new
spacious barnyard facility.
"Yeah, I can't wait to get old .
Dean-o in here and try to show him
who's boss." Vilevaino said. "Sure
to hang out and shit and talk to
the girls as they walked around
campus, y'know. 1 don't know
where they were going, I think it
mighta been some kinda class type
thing. But I know Shack's gonna
be back, 'cause he's kinda like me,
he just likes to play a few games
a week and pick up that check and
then just hang out. In the pros they
want you to play like every night
almost and from like November to
sometime in the summer, y'know.
And they don't pay as good as
Coach V did. He always hooked
us up by giving us good players
some of his endorsement money.
He didn't give shit to the guys who
rode the pine, though. Maybe that's
why so many people just go to
school here for a year or two before
they get pissed off and leave. Coach
V's funny that way, y'know. He like
tells everybody they're gonna play
and be superstars and make lots of
money, but then like only one or
two guys do it, y'know. So then
everybody's real pissed off and all
these guys leave and go to other
replied, and the two sat and
swapped stories until 4:23 a.m. )
b Police officers responded to a
call early Thursday morning from
a custodian at the veterinary school
who complained of scuffling in the
barnyard animals' pen. When
police arrived, they found Lonnie
Higgins, a sheepish junior from.
Sandy Mush, performing a deviant
sexual act with the mammals.
Higgins was arrested and charged
with sexual harrassment.
n Tammy Faye Calhoun, a fresh
man from Hot Springs, was rescued
from her locked car early Wednes
day evening. The officer who
jimmied the lock on Calhoun's 76
Chevy Nova said he responded to
a call that a girl was trapped in her
car in the poultry science building
parking lot. Officer Rush Taylor,
said when he arrived at the scene,
Calhoun was hysterical over miss
ing her evening class because they
were learning to pluck chickens that
night. Calhoun had forgotten how
to work the door locks. Taylor said
that after he refreshed her memory,
he made a date with Miss Calhoun
for the Monster Truck Tractor Pull
at the State Fair this weekend.
Compiled by Dickie W., Sergeant
he always outcoaches me, but if my
boys happen to shoot real well, we
could pull out the 'W'."
Vilevaino said he was very sad
the Pack couldn't play in a big new
palace this season, because he has
once again lined up an incredibly
difficult schedule for his troops.
"What, are you kiddin' me? We're
jjonna have ;.to be ready to play
every night, because on any given
night, any team can beat any other
team," Vilevaino said. "And when
those teams are Columbia, Akron,
Alabama State, Coppin State,
Monmouth, Towson State, Coastal
Carolina and UNC-Asheville, well,
you can see why I'm so worried."
Vilevaino said although he could
easily pile up 20-win seasons with
the schedule he plays, he thought
it was much more fun to just screw
, around for a few months during the
"Yeah, I got too much to do
during the regular year," he said.
"I got shows to do, products to sell,
people to meet. I find it's a lot more
fun if the players don't know what's
expected of them and I just play
around with the lineup all year and
make everybody real confused:
"Then when the fellas get it
together and drive through the
tournament and give the illusion
that I can coach, all the fans forget
that I haven't done anything for
three months but sell snake oil."
The press . conference took an
ugly turn when some nosey reporter
asked Vilevaino if any of his players
had ever graduated.
"Hey, how am I supposed to
know about stuff like that," Vile
vaino said. "I'm just here to watch
basketball and make some dough.
I think that Gannon kid probably
graduated, but those other guys,
hey who knows? I'm sure they're
very happy now wherever they are."
schools. I know a lot of guys who
did go to school here but don't go
to school here no more, like Russell
Pierre, Walker Lambiotte, Kenny
Drummond, Andy Kennedy, and a
few more guys who left so fast I
didn't even get to remember their
names. But my boy Shack stayed
a real long time, 'cause me and him
we're dedicated to the program. Me
and Shack, we're a lot alike. 'Cept
unlike me, that Shack, he loves to
drive and fast too, y'know.
Maybe he can get his own car from
the money he gets from whatever
team that was that drafted him."
Washburn said the institute
could help more than just washed
up basketball players,, though.
"Well help any athlete who needs
some money and a place to hang
out, especially football players. But
I .never heard of anybody who
played football here, so I don't
know who to call. Besides, that
Sheridan guy, he don't pay like
Coach V, so those boys are used
to living hard anyway."