OmnibusThursday, November 10, 19883
Three-quart margarita Fu
and Michael Myers5 return
By JOS COS CRICCS
Syndicated columnist
There's this bar on the beach in
Capitola, Calif, where you cant
buy a three-quart permanent-brain-damage
El Tequila Grande
margarita anymore, even though
when l made my annual trip to
San Francisco last year, these
buddies of mine in Daly City drove
me down to Capitola just espe
cially to witness and behold the
three-quart permanent-brain-damage
El Tequila Grande margar
ita. I started out having the
FROZEN three-quart etcetera mar
garita, but after one of those I
couidnt actually lift the second
one. so l canned the ice and only
had six, seven more of 'em before
we left It had no effect on me
whatsoever. I drove us back up the
coast to San Francisco, and we
even had enough energy to stop
in Vegas for a meal.
Now the reason why you cant
buy the El Tequila Grande anymore
is because of something they're
calling "responsible beverage ser
vice." And you know what my
favorite part of "responsible bev
erage service" is?
The waitress doesnt bring you
your drink when you ask for it She
hangs around in the back ON
PURPOSE
in my opinion, this is enough
reason to shut down California and
move the whole state to Texas
where we still pour doubles, triples
and octuples, for that matter,
without any weenie-ing around.
Another thing they're doing now
in California is not serving beer by
the pitcher. Do you realize what
this would do to the state of Texas
if the idea spread? Do you realize
the effect that one thing has on
the life of poor people who cant
afford to pay for 10 beers by the
SINGLE? Do you realize the number
of people that would have to do
all their drinking in Mexico just to
quench their thirst?
Not only that, I found out this
bar in Capitola is getting FEDERAL
money for this business. MY
money which I shell out ever" time
I buy a fifth of Jack Daniels or a
keg of Bud. They call this a "luxury
tax" even though you wouldnt
think so if you went into Bobo's
Barb Wire Museum and Lounge on
Highway 67. If the guys In there
didnt drink beer by the pitcher,
they wouldnt get any nutrition
atalL
Anyhow, I was in there the other
night pouring some Triple Sec
shooters down my throat for
medicinal purposes, when Bobo
started talking about how he
practices "responsible beverage
service" himself.
"When a guy comes in from
California," he said, "I ask him if he
wants a Texas Super Loco."
"And whats that?" I asked Bobo.
"A jigger of lime juice, a thimble
of tequila, three teaspoons of
Bartles and James." Bobo paused
for a minute for dramatic effect
"And three quarts of water."
I told him I thought that was
a good idea if he didnt want one
of those California guys to report
them to the Responsible Beverage
Society.
"Besides," Bobo said, "it makes
'em feel at home."
Speaking of people you dont
wanna talk to at 2 am, Michael
Myers is back in "Halloween IV," but
WITHOUT THE HOCKEY MASK. And
the only explanation for this is
that Jason had been wearing the
hockey mask for five or six pic
tures now, so that even though
Jason stole the idea of a hockey
mask from the original breather
in a hockey mask, Michael Myers,
everybody THINKS Jason invented
the hockey mask and so Michael
cant wear it anymore. So what
they have instead is some kind of
chalkface cross between Leather
face and Jason it's not a hockey
mask but its not a human skin
mask, either, it's just one of those
things over his face where you say
"I dont even wanna think about
what that boy's wearing on his
face."
Anyhow, they wised up after
the disaster of "Halloween ill" and
they brought back Donald fea
sance as Loomis, the psychiatrist
who's been so beat up by Micheal
Myers that his face looks like
something the dog coughed up on
the floor. Loomis finds out that
some Rhodes Scholar doctor at the
Federal Nuthouse checked out
Michael Myers for a transfer to a
state hospital, and pretty soon we
got cops swarming around an
ambulance upside down in a creek
with something that looks like
ravioli where three people used to
be, The only problayma who the
heck is left for Michael Myers to
kill?
Well, Jamie Lee Curtis is left, but
she went indoor-bullstuff on us
and no longer does horror flicks.
That leaves Jamie's 7-year-old
niece, last survivor in the whole
dang f ambly. And her name Is ... .
Jamie. No kiddin'. Michael hauls it
over to Haddonfield, the John
Carpenter creepy-crawly synthe
sizer theme starts up, and before
you know it we need a few more
acres in the Haddonfield Cemetery.
Two breasts. Eighteen dead
bodies. One dead doggie. One
motor vehicle chase. Exploding gas
station. Pickup-and-shotgun vi
gilante brigade. Thumb through
the forehead. Socket-wrench Fu.
Fire-extinguisher Fu. Reddy Kilo
watt fu. Drive-ln Academy Award
j
.r s .
N
kS "IK
r u
s
A.
Maybe Michael Myers will take pity on this poor babysitter in
"Halloween IV." Then again, maybe he won't.
nominations for Donald Pleasance,
as Loomis for saying, "We are
talking about ee-vil on two legs!"
and "You're talking about him as
if he were a human being" Carmen
Filip, as a weirdbeard pickup
driving whiskey-drinking evange
list who's only in one scene; Kath
leen Kinmont, as the sheriff's
daughter who steals boys from
the nice girls, for her two enor
mous talents,- Gene Ross, as Earl the
bartender, for forming a shotgun
toting lynch mob and opening fire,
on everything that moves in the
bushes, including Ted Hollister,-
George Sullivan, as Deputy Logan,
for saying "isnt all this a little
paranoid?"; Beau Starr, as Sheriff
Meeker, for saying "I got a town
full of beer-bellies running around
in the dark with shotguns!"
Danielle Harris, as the 7-year-old,
for crying on cue; Ellie Cornell, as
Rachel Carruthers the nice girl
babysitter, for running through
the house screaming "Leave us
alone!" at Michael Myers; and
George P. Wilbur, as Michael Myers,
for taking care of business.
Four stars. Joe Bob says check
it out.
By CATHY McHUGH
Omnibus Editor
You do it Go on, admit it. And
you're not alone. Everyone does
it and everyone enjoys doing it
Even the self-proclaimed self
righteous make fun of people,
whether or not they ever say
anything out loud.
Making fun of people is a
universal pastime. Uke all pas
times, it ought to be done among
and with friends preferably
friends who know and under
stand the beauty of a good
comeback. Yes, beauty. I'm con
vinced that slamming Is an art
Dont get the impression that
I'm pushing malicious ridiculing
(you know I'd never do that).
What I'm referring to are insults
given and taken in good spirit -traditionally
called giving some
one a hard time. For FU-N. Some
are acknowledged experts, oth
ers rank amateurs and still others
just clueless. The latter are the
ones who dont understand that
sarcasm exists. For those of you
who enjoy delivering, receiving
or just listening to a good put
down, this column's for you.
You dont have to be a mean,
vindictive walking piece of scum
to be good at insulting people
(although some say it helps). You
just have to know your victims'
faults. But be careful here,
because you also need to be
aware of which of these you can
exploit without doing any real
damage, and that's not always
easy to do. As I said, this is an
art - but it doubles as a spec
tator sport
Giving examples may be the
logical, plan to follow at thi$
points tut slams should be per'
sonally tailored to the individual.
However, there does come a
point when you may run out of
retorts. Dont despair - you can
always become a part of one of
these conversations:
Oh yeah? . . . Yeah! . . . STUPlDl
. . . Dummy. . . So?. . . Yeah, how
tout that nose? ...At least my
ears dont stick out. (You may
notice the subject of this attack
casually checking every mirror he
passes to see if this is true.) .
This is a great one to use to
get rid of unwelcome company:
"Could you please just not talk
at all? Thanks." The beauty of this
slam is it's subtlety. While yelling
"SHUT UP-SHUT UP-SHUT UP!!"
works just as well, the aesthetic
quality of the delivery is slightly
flawed.
Dont forget, you should try to
make fun of only people who can
take it, because its supposed to
be FUN.
After all, isnt fun the best
'ttfirtg'tb have? . ;
WXYCTop 20
t. Screaming Trees Invisible Lantern
2. That Petrol Emotion End of the Millenium
Psychosis Blues
3 Various Artists Stay awake
4. Big Dipper Craps
5. They Might Be Giants Lincoln
6. Kins Missile They
7. U2 Rattle and Horn
8. Mission of Burma Forget
9 Voice of the Beehive Let if Be
10. Balancing Act Curtains
i U Toots flibbert Toots in Memphis
12. Waxing Poetics Manakin Moon
1 3. Various Artists "Hi Things are Brighter
14. Cocteau Twins Blue Bell Knolf
15. Game Theory Two Steps From the Middle
, Ages
16. Richard Thompson amnesia
17 Los Lobos La Pistola y ( Corazon
18. Steve Earle Copperhead Road
19. Th3 Popes - Hi! We're the Popes , ,
20. R.E.M, . : 1 Creen ' ' .
' y' y .:::. .: - ... ; y.-.- -. y .
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J